UPJOKE
clinchlatchfastenpressreincrackcurbnooserestraintighteninglooseningprodhobblehaltlid

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a plumber over at my house today...

I had a plumber over at my house today, and he said his girlfriend found a text on his phone. She was pissed, she said "What the hell is this!?"

The text message said. " I need 2" gal nipples and clamps. "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

What did Steve Irwin get when an alligator clamped down on his arm?

Workman’s chomp.

The worst pain

Guys are sitting in a bar arguing about who has experienced the worst pain.

Bob says "I once dropped the cheese shredder, and it shredded the skin on my leg as it fell"

Dave says, "oh I can top that- I slipped cutting wood and drove the chain saw into my ankle".

John says "nah,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boss of the Body

The different parts of the body were arguing about who should be the Boss of the body.

The brain said "I do all of the thinking and Strategies , I should be the boss"

The Eyes said "I provide vision and allow us to see what is going on"

The legs said "I provide mobility and Tran...

A man wakes up after having surgery

The surgeon comes to him and says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I seem to have left one of my surgical clamps inside of you. We're going to have to operate again to retrieve it". The man thinks for a moment and says "nah, that's fine, I'll just pay for it".

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob, an Olympic class wrestler - has a match with Bjorn, a Lapland wrestling grandmaster

Before the meet, Bob's coaches warned him that Bjorn has a deadly stranglehold move called "the pretzel". They warned him not to dip his right shoulder while standing face to face, or he will certainly lose.

Bob keeps this advice in mind as he wrestles Bjorn - but he loses concentration for ...

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries”

Apparently “through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]: A woman walks into a bar ...

A woman walks into a bar and appears to be depressed. Alone, she begins drinking heavily. A man walks into the bar soon after with the same expression on his face and sits a few stools down from her while also beginning to drink heavily. Eventually, the woman slides down and asks him what's wrong....

I had an ex-girlfriend who was a traffic warden and also happened to be into S&M...

Most of the time it was fine, but every time she put nipple clamps on me, she charged me $200 to take them off again!

A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] [NSFW] So a man is at the bar with some co-workers...

They're sitting around, throwing a few back, when the man decides to get clever. He tells them, "Lads, did ya know I'm capable of biting my own eye?" His co-workers tell him to come off it, but he insists that it's true. So, curious, they each put money on the table, willing to take this drunks mone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor

and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" "Why, yes," replied the man. "And did you have sex while over there?...

Bruce the Aussie

Bruce the Aussie bloke walks into a dusty old bar deep in the outback. To everyone's surprise he has a five meter salty -- a crocodile -- on a leash.

"Roit!" he exclaims. "I'll bet everyone here that I can have my mate here" -- gesturing to the crocodile -- "clamp down on my donger for a fu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy meets a girl in a strip bar

The drinks flow and talk soon turns to sex. The girl explains how she only enjoys kinky sex, the kinkier the better and she doubts there is a man alive that is kinkier than her. The man accepts the challenge and they go back to her place.
 
The girl invites the guy to make himself at...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OP] Stevie Wonder is visited by a doctor who says that her experimental new procedure can cure his blindness.

Stevie says, "I've lived a great life so far, but it would be wonderful to see again some time before I go." The doctor tells him the procedure is very unorthodox, but Stevie tells her to go ahead and give it a try.

"Ok" she says, "it sounds strange, but for the procedure to work, you will h...

An elderly woman went into her back yard to garden one afternoon when she noticed a large gorilla in a tree...

In a state of panic she ran inside and opened up the phone book and went to G's. Sure enough, she found gorilla extraction.

When the extractor showed up, he went into the back yard and saw the gorilla, eyeing them both out of suspicion.

The extractor went back to his truck and pul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long walk, short piss

A gentleman, who had been in the bar for some time, approaches the bartender.

“Hey barkeep,” the man said, “are you a betting man?”
“What barman isn’t?”
“I’ll bet you five bucks that I can bite my own elbow,” the customer posed.
“Well if you can, I’d pay five to see it.” The barten...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professional gambler is being audited by the IRS

The old gambler man walks into the meeting with his lawyer. The IRS agent tells him he can't make all these write offs for gambling loses unless he can prove he is a professional gambler.

The old man says "alright, how about I bet you $10,000 I can bite my eye".

The agent thinks 'the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone kinkier than you is a pervert...

A newly divorced man was feeling depressed, his wife had left him because he was too kinky in bed for her. He decided to go to the local bar and drink his blues away.
While sitting at the bar, he noticed a pretty lady at the other end, also looking sad. He decided to go chat her up a bit. Much t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man walks over to the bartender...

and says to him, "Young man, I'm a bit of a gambling man, and if you're willing to make a bet, I'll wager $10,000 I can bite my left eye." The bartender calls the man's bluff and takes the bet. The old man then proceeds to remove his glass eye and bite it. The bartender was bitter.

He then sa...

A 70 years oldman who has just married came to a doctor to check his sperm health.

The doctor took a jar and said "take this jar home, and return it tomorrow morning with your sperm sample inside"

On the next day, this oldman returned to the doctor and gave the jar. But the jar was still empty and no sperm at all inside it.

The doctor asked him why it's still empty a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

X-men get captured.

Wolverine, Cyclops, and Magneto are captured by Mr. Sinister. As they regain consciousness they realize they are naked with their testicles in a vibranium clamp hanging from a vibranium chain that is slowly being lifted to the ceiling. As they realize they are about to be painfully suspended only by...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I went to my local butcher shop...

because they make fucking amazing beef jerkey (peppered) and as I leave the shop with my jerky, I noticed a dog sitting in front of the back door to the butcher shop. I didn't think much of it, dogs like meat so he was probably begging. However I noticed that the dog has a brown paper bag with a not...

The Gorilla Catcher

A man looked out his window one day, and lo and behold, there was a huge gorilla up the tree in his back yard. Not knowing what to do, he googled "gorilla catcher" and amazingly, there was a professional gorilla catcher, close by. He called, and was told, "Stay in the house till I get there, but I'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The danger of eating Chili

I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in
hindsight may not have been very wise.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gorilla Hunter

An avid big game hunter decided to book a trip to the Congo in order to hunt Gorillas. He had never been to the Congo so upon arrival he asked several locals who the best guide for hunting Gorillas would be. Everyone told him to find a man named Joffe as he was an expert in hunting gorillas. Soon th...

Riddle me this

Which does not belong:

* Nipple clamps
* Soy
* Vibrator


Answer:
The nipple clamps, the other two are meat substitutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim's wife recently left him so he goes to the bar to drowned out his sorrows.

He looks down the end of the bar and sees a woman crying. He thinks to himself "Misery deserves company." and goes over to talk. The woman doesn't want to get into her problems right away so Jim decides to talk about his own. "My wife left me after 20 years because she couldn't handle the kinky sex....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a prostitute...

A man goes to the same prostitute every month. This time he thought of trying something kinky. "Do something kinky this time around" said the man. The prostitute got a car battery and clamped spark plugs to his nipples. The man declared it was the best sex he ever had, he was just shocked how much s...

Gorilla Problem

A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden ex...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.