A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

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NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.

He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.

He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"

The cute Japanese gi...

If you assault a French philosopher while smoking THC wax, you’re...

Hitting da cart while hitting Descartes

My mom: "Who robs a Brazilian Wax store???"

Me: "Maybe the robbers thought they had a brazilian dollars??"

Never get a Brazilian wax

It's a total rip-off.

My ex gf was allergic to wax

No-one has ever been able to hold a candle to her

Fred Flintstone asks Wilma if she has any weed left. She says "no, but I have some wax if you want a hit.

He replies, "yeah, a dab'll do."

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.


He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people bu...

Did you hear the Bob Ross got a brazilian wax?

Got rid of that happy, little bush.

The inventor of wax strips has just died.

RIP

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn’t that bad.

My wife had a cheap Brazilian waxing.

She said it was still a rip-off.

I just spent a hours waxing my car

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

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Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now NSFW

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now and the vanilla sex stuff really got us bored. So we decided to finally step up the game. We tried blindfolds, wax, tying each other up but it was just not working for us. I brought up the topic of anal but she was really scared of it because i...

I’ve started a waxing/hair removal business, and I have decided to only take female clients for the time being.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

Did you know a Brazilian wax costs $50?

Talk about a rip off

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Dave walks into his local pub...

...and sees Bob sitting at the bar, grinning from ear to ear.

Dave goes up to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, what you grinning about there?” Bob replies, “Oh, Dave! Well, I was out there yesterday just waxing my boat and up walks this blonde with the most amazing tits! I start up a conversation and...

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The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list

done

done

done

not yet done

"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"

The rabbi and all the adminis...

I've always been terrible at Karate, so my Sensei told me "Wax on, Wax off."

I'm now in burning pain, but my chest is *spotless.*

What does this have to do with Karate?

A father had a very rowdy son

He would never listen to his father, always disobeying rules, and being rebellious at every chance. The father often told the boy, "You should be more respectful of others", to no avail as his words fell on deaf ears. His pranks were, quite frankly, annoying to the neighbours, but what did the son c...

Bikini Waxing

What a rip off.

A multi part joke my dad used to tell.

Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the Shell station.

Why did the turtle go to the Shell station?
He needed Turtle Wax.

Why did the turtle need Turtle Wax?
He wanted to camouflage his shell.

Why did the turtle want to camouflage his shell?
He wanted to hi...

The man, the Curator, and the Wax Museum.

A man walks into a wax museum. Inside finds a display of little wick people on a giant map of the United States. However, one of the people, a cowboy is placed in New York City. He calls the curator and asks why that one isn’t over in a place like Texas or Oklahoma.

“Oh, Ed doesn’t fit in ...

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and ...

How many Latinos does it take to do a wax job?

A Brazillion!

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In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food,...

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

My mom hates using candles

She is anti-wax

I asked my friend how she liked her first Brazilian wax...

She told me it was a complete rip-off.

Why I'm tired

For a couple of years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep,not enough sunshine,too much pressure from my job,ear wax buildup, poor blood,or anything else I could think of.But now I found out the real reason.Im tired because I'm overworked.And here's why:The population of this country is 273 milli...

Using every letter in the alphabet in just one sentence makes things difficult, but to be fair...

quiz wax

The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test

The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”

The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building

The second man wal...

Did you hear about that new wax museum in Arizona.

And... it's gone.

An old man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself ...

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

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How does Mr. Miyagi masturbate?

Wax on. Whacks off

Waxing

Q: Why did the woman refuse to pay for her Brazilian waxing?
A: Because it was a total rip-off.

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There was a man who had three girlfriends – repost updated for 2018

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a Brazilian wax, a new hair color, LASIK – the works...

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I'm planning on opening a combined cocktail bar and waxing salon.

I'm going to call it "Gin and Bare It".

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

because turtles have such small ears

QUICK WEIGHT LOSS

I've got a wedding I've got to go to next week, and I was trying to lose six pounds by the weekend. I don't think I'm going to do it, so I'm going to get my back waxed, and then, I'll only have to lose two.

If you look at the moon tonight it should look really smooth.

It just waxed last night.

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

Business don't last very long on the moon.

They tend to wax and wane over time.

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage...

...but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage.

So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel. If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised.

The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the ...

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"I saw a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant"

Job includes; removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and rub oil in after waxing. When i asked at the job centre, they said i had to go to Cornwall. I said, "why is that where the job is?" No they said, "thats where the fucking back of the queue is!!"

Trump is really good about his ears.

He wears ear plugs at loud concerts.
He makes sure his ear wax doesn’t build up.
He keeps the gray hairs growing out of his ears nice and trimmed.

He’s quite possibly the most ear responsible president we’ve ever had.

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The Dave Joke

This guy walks into a bar to get some drinks. The bar tender named Dave walks up to him and says, "You look happy today, what happened?" The guy says, "Well Dave, I was waxing my boat, just waxing and waxing, and this brunette with tits out to here!" the guy gestures a B cup, "walks up to me and s...

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A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi

The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,

"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"

The boys father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."
...

Do you know how Edam was invented?

One day a candle maker in Yorkshire was halfway through making a large batch of red candles.

He had been working without a break for many hours, so his wife bought him a plate of cheese for sustenance.

He was so keen to finish working he ignored the food and continued to be engrossed...

How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself?

Wax off

I once dated a girl who had no pubic hair.

She insists she didn't shave or wax and said she wouldn't even be able to afford the supplies on her allowance anyways.

A woman goes into the local pet shop

and asks the owner for a pet that can
do everything. The owner thinks
about it and says,"How about a dog?"

The woman replies,"No, I had a
dog before. He was great but all he
did was eat, sleep, and play fetch.
want a pet that can do everything!"

The owner thinks s...

What Not to Say to a Policeman

-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the ...

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WOMEN eh!

Boob-jobs,

nose-jobs,

teeth bleaching,

tummy tucks,

liposuction,

colonic irrigation,

botox,

pierced ears,

pierced nipples,

pierced bellies,

pierced clits,

eyebrows plucked,

bikini wax,

armpits shaved,

l...

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Johnny while traveling in a train..

Johnny while traveling in a train was continuously looking at a woman's legs and saw that she wasn't wearing her panties and beneath her tall waxed legs was a clean shaved pussy that was just unbelievable.

Woman: I know what you are looking at.

Johnny apologetically: I am sorry Mam thi...

Joke my math professor told me today.

A man and his wife are having trouble with their marriage. They fight all the time and they have been continually becoming less physical. The man decides to visit his pastor on the subject. To which the minister proclaims, "You have to do something nice to attract her." The man responds, "Are you su...

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Two ladies are in the gym locker room ....

changing into their running outfits. One lady notices her friend's tummy and asks: "Sara, why is there wax in your belly button?" Sara says, "Oh, you'll never believe how romantic my boyfriend can be. He just loves to eat by candlelight."

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Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

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An IRS auditor visits a synagogue...

...and requests that the rabbi answer a few questions.

"You guys sure burn a lot of candles here. What do with all the leftover wax?" asks the auditor.

"Well, we try to be environmentally friendly, so we send it back to the candle factory, and they send us back new candles," answers t...

Why does the moon have no hair?

because it's waxing

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THE TAXMAN VISITS A RABBI

Its the end of the tax year, its time to do all the taxes. Dave the taxman walks into the Synagogue to discuss the tax returns.
"What do you do with all the excess candle wax that melts? You know, you must burn a lot of candles in here you being Jewish and all?" Dave asks.
"We collect it all ...

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Horny sailors

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting drunk when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty horny. With all the jacking ...

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Were you there?

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.

And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the t...

Theme 2: Polish

--Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?

--A: Wave to him.


Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding
night?

A: A new last name.


--Q: Did you hear about the Pole who studied for 5 days?

--A: He was scheduled to take a u...

Health problems

An old woman went to her doctor for a checkup. She complained about having terrible gas. She told the doctor it was very strange because she was constantly passing gas but it never made any sound and had no odor at all. "I'm not kidding.", she said, "I've passed gas at least 3 times since you've ...

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