UPJOKE
beeswaxparaffincarnauba waxcarnaubalipidincreaseriseski waxparaffin waxestercandlefatty acidclimbfullmount

The inventor of wax strips has just died.

RIP

I went to the doctor complaining about wax in my ear

"Which ear is it?" She said

"2022" I replied

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

Never get a Brazilian wax

It's a total rip-off.

A man went to the doctor with a wax buildup in his ear

He sat down on the bed and the first thing the doctor asked what ear it was.

The man said it was 2023

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

Because they only have little ears.

I just spent a hours waxing my car

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

My wife claims that she can wax off my chest hair without causing any pain, but I’m a little nervous.

I don’t think she will be able to pull it off.

They put a model of young Darth Vader in the wax museum…

…actually it was Mannequin Skywalker.

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NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.

He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.

He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"

The cute Japanese gi...

What did the hot girl say when she was overcharged for her bikini wax?

That was a rip off!

Bikini Waxing

What a rip off.

For women, it's called a Bikini Wax. For men, it's called

A Zucchini Wax!

My ex gf was allergic to wax

No-one has ever been able to hold a candle to her

I've always been terrible at Karate, so my Sensei told me "Wax on, Wax off."

I'm now in burning pain, but my chest is *spotless.*

What does this have to do with Karate?

What do you call souvenirs from the wax museum?

Paraffinalia!

Trump is beginning to be like a bikini wax...

all of a sudden, having Bush wasn’t so bad...

My mom: "Who robs a Brazilian Wax store???"

Me: "Maybe the robbers thought they had a brazilian dollars??"

Bought my wife a cheap waxing.

She said it was a rip-off.

Waxing

Q: Why did the woman refuse to pay for her Brazilian waxing?
A: Because it was a total rip-off.

Fred Flintstone asks Wilma if she has any weed left. She says "no, but I have some wax if you want a hit.

He replies, "yeah, a dab'll do."

Did you know a Brazilian wax costs $50?

Talk about a rip off

I know a man who says he designed a labyrinth, got imprisoned in it, and then escaped using wings made of wax.

But I wonder whether he really Daedalus things he claims to have done.

What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date?

He wax off

Did you hear the Bob Ross got a brazilian wax?

Got rid of that happy, little bush.

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then moustache trim and wax.

It's my wife's birthday and I thought, "What the hell! I'll treat her."

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

How many Latinos does it take to do a wax job?

A Brazillion!

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn’t that bad.

TIL why it is called a Brazilian wax.

Because they cut down the forrest.

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After 12 years of marriage my sex life was going through a bit of a rough patch

Then she got a wax

I’ve started a waxing/hair removal business, and I have decided to only take female clients for the time being.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

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I wish all the best to the troubled guy jerking off to his collection of electric fragrant wax warmers.

I truly hope he cums to his Scentsies.

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I'm planning on opening a combined cocktail bar and waxing salon.

I'm going to call it "Gin and Bare It".

A very old man goes to the doctor complaining about his ear

"I think there's wax in one my ears, I barely can hear with it" he says
"Which ear is it?" Says the doctor
"2021" replies the old man

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I beat up a Nazi yesterday…

I’m… not allowed at the wax museum anymore.

Want to know why my bees are smoother than yours?

None of your bees wax

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The Dave Joke

This guy walks into a bar to get some drinks. The bar tender named Dave walks up to him and says, "You look happy today, what happened?" The guy says, "Well Dave, I was waxing my boat, just waxing and waxing, and this brunette with tits out to here!" the guy gestures a B cup, "walks up to me and s...

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I am going to tell you something that a very smart woman once told me

The lady who waxes me told me - "If you don't love what you do then why do it?"


And then she ripped the hair from my butthole

I asked my friend how she liked her first Brazilian wax...

She told me it was a complete rip-off.

In Hollywood they have a museum full celebrities made from wax. In China they have something similar but the celebrities are made out of silk

They are all complete fabric Asians.

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few drinks, he begins waxing philosopical. "You know, sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever," he says to the bartender. "Yes," the bartender agrees. "We call those people cop...

A blond is returning to US from Brazil lifts her skirt at US inmigration

officer: thank you mam, it looks really nice but I think you got confused between vax and wax

How do know there's no hair on the moon?

The moon waxes 14 times a month!

Seen this one in the paper... gave me a giggle

An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of ...

9th August 2021: a blond American woman is at the Canadian immigration counter......

The immigration officer is puzzled for a minute and then the light comes on.

"Thank you ma'am for that view but it is vaxxed not waxed'

How do we know the moon is hairless?

The moon spends half the month waxing!

Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs...

Wax on, whacks off!

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Why did the duck go the the beautician before his big date?

To wax out his butt quack


Hahahahahahaha

A multi part joke my dad used to tell.

Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the Shell station.

Why did the turtle go to the Shell station?
He needed Turtle Wax.

Why did the turtle need Turtle Wax?
He wanted to camouflage his shell.

Why did the turtle want to camouflage his shell?
He wanted to hi...

A woman comes home to her husband, upset and bawling her eyes out...

Her husband, who's having a chat with one of his mates over a coffee, takes his shirt and vest off, gives the woman a box with some colouring stuff in, and she calms down and begins to draw Noddy in wax on her husband's right scapula.

The husband's mate looks bemused and asks the guy what she...

How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself?

Wax off

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A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi

The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,

"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"

The boys father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."
...

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

Candles

"So, what's special about this candle?"

"Sir, this candle is made of a very enriched burning material, it will therefore, once lit, last several days before it is burned out. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, makes sense. And what about this one?"

"This candle is special because there ...

Why did the karate kid sue Mr Miyagi?

For watching him while he wax off.

Using every letter in the alphabet in just one sentence makes things difficult, but to be fair...

quiz wax

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A married couple walks into a bar and the husband asks for whatever is on tap and cheap...

...the bartender reaches for the cheap stuff and pours them Busch. They drink a little bit and seem satisfied as the wife asks her husband,

"What beer is this? Who makes it?"

The husband, unsure due to his vague order asks the bartender "Hey, who makes this beer? My wife is curious."...

Now that I am vaccinated I can joke about Covid

Here are a few.

———————

Day 251 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

———————

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!

———————

What’s the best way...

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

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When to visit my friend the other day

He told me make yourself at home but stay out of the kitchen, the floors just got waxed an are a little slippery. I look over and see his two dogs running and falling over on the kitchen floor so i ask what is up with those two. He looks over and says with a smile.

"*Them bitches be trippin*...

If you look at the moon tonight it should look really smooth.

It just waxed last night.

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Dave walks into his local pub...

...and sees Bob sitting at the bar, grinning from ear to ear.

Dave goes up to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, what you grinning about there?” Bob replies, “Oh, Dave! Well, I was out there yesterday just waxing my boat and up walks this blonde with the most amazing tits! I start up a conversation and...

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WOMEN eh!

Boob-jobs,

nose-jobs,

teeth bleaching,

tummy tucks,

liposuction,

colonic irrigation,

botox,

pierced ears,

pierced nipples,

pierced bellies,

pierced clits,

eyebrows plucked,

bikini wax,

armpits shaved,

l...

When my wife died, my entire world shattered.

You have a plan in your mind for your whole life, and then one day it's just gone, leaving you adrift. One day my best friend was gone. The woman I shared half my soul with. I could barely keep it together. I hate to admit, but I was useless in setting up the funeral. Her family did that, while mine...

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Did you hear about the horny Asian janitor?

First he wax on, then he wax off!

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Two ladies are in the gym locker room ....

changing into their running outfits. One lady notices her friend's tummy and asks: "Sara, why is there wax in your belly button?" Sara says, "Oh, you'll never believe how romantic my boyfriend can be. He just loves to eat by candlelight."

Business don't last very long on the moon.

They tend to wax and wane over time.

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

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Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now NSFW

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now and the vanilla sex stuff really got us bored. So we decided to finally step up the game. We tried blindfolds, wax, tying each other up but it was just not working for us. I brought up the topic of anal but she was really scared of it because i...

I once dated a girl who had no pubic hair.

She insists she didn't shave or wax and said she wouldn't even be able to afford the supplies on her allowance anyways.

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