The 73+ Best Wax Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

The inventor of wax strips has just died.

RIP

My wife claims that she can wax off my chest hair without causing any pain, but I’m a little nervous.

I don’t think she will be able to pull it off.

I went to the doctor complaining about wax in my ear

"Which ear is it?" She said

"2022" I replied

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

They put a model of young Darth Vader in the wax museum…

…actually it was Mannequin Skywalker.

Fred Flintstone asks Wilma if she has any weed left. She says "no, but I have some wax if you want a hit.

He replies, "yeah, a dab'll do."

If you assault a French philosopher while smoking THC wax, you’re...

Hitting da cart while hitting Descartes

Never get a Brazilian wax

It's a total rip-off.

I just spent a hours waxing my car

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

What do you call souvenirs from the wax museum?

Paraffinalia!

I know a man who says he designed a labyrinth, got imprisoned in it, and then escaped using wings made of wax.

But I wonder whether he really Daedalus things he claims to have done.

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

Because they only have little ears.

What did the hot girl say when she was overcharged for her bikini wax?

That was a rip off!

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then moustache trim and wax.

It's my wife's birthday and I thought, "What the hell! I'll treat her."

For women, it's called a Bikini Wax. For men, it's called

A Zucchini Wax!

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NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.

He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.

He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"

The cute Japanese gi...

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn’t that bad.

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

My ex gf was allergic to wax

No-one has ever been able to hold a candle to her

I’ve started a waxing/hair removal business, and I have decided to only take female clients for the time being.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

In Hollywood they have a museum full celebrities made from wax. In China they have something similar but the celebrities are made out of silk

They are all complete fabric Asians.

My mom: "Who robs a Brazilian Wax store???"

Me: "Maybe the robbers thought they had a brazilian dollars??"

Did you hear the Bob Ross got a brazilian wax?

Got rid of that happy, little bush.

Bought my wife a cheap waxing.

She said it was a rip-off.

I've always been terrible at Karate, so my Sensei told me "Wax on, Wax off."

I'm now in burning pain, but my chest is *spotless.*

What does this have to do with Karate?

How many Latinos does it take to do a wax job?

A Brazillion!

Did you hear about that new wax museum in Arizona.

And... it's gone.

Did you know a Brazilian wax costs $50?

Talk about a rip off

Bikini Waxing

What a rip off.

TIL why it is called a Brazilian wax.

Because they cut down the forrest.

How do you know if the moon is waxing or waning?

If it's waning you'll get weally weally wet.

What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date?

He wax off

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After 12 years of marriage my sex life was going through a bit of a rough patch

Then she got a wax

A very old man goes to the doctor complaining about his ear

"I think there's wax in one my ears, I barely can hear with it" he says
"Which ear is it?" Says the doctor
"2021" replies the old man

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I beat up a Nazi yesterday…

I’m… not allowed at the wax museum anymore.

Seen this one in the paper... gave me a giggle

An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of ...

Want to know why my bees are smoother than yours?

None of your bees wax

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

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I am going to tell you something that a very smart woman once told me

The lady who waxes me told me - "If you don't love what you do then why do it?"

And then she ripped the hair from my butthole

I asked my friend how she liked her first Brazilian wax...

She told me it was a complete rip-off.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few drinks, he begins waxing philosopical. "You know, sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever," he says to the bartender. "Yes," the bartender agrees. "We call those people cop...

How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself?

Wax off

Why do women like south american candles?

They're a brazilian wax

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A married couple walks into a bar and the husband asks for whatever is on tap and cheap...

...the bartender reaches for the cheap stuff and pours them Busch. They drink a little bit and seem satisfied as the wife asks her husband,

"What beer is this? Who makes it?"

The husband, unsure due to his vague order asks the bartender "Hey, who makes this beer? My wife is curious."...

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

Candles

"So, what's special about this candle?"

"Sir, this candle is made of a very enriched burning material, it will therefore, once lit, last several days before it is burned out. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, makes sense. And what about this one?"

"This candle is special because there ...

The man, the Curator, and the Wax Museum.

A man walks into a wax museum. Inside finds a display of little wick people on a giant map of the United States. However, one of the people, a cowboy is placed in New York City. He calls the curator and asks why that one isn’t over in a place like Texas or Oklahoma.

“Oh, Ed doesn’t fit in ...

A woman comes home to her husband, upset and bawling her eyes out...

Her husband, who's having a chat with one of his mates over a coffee, takes his shirt and vest off, gives the woman a box with some colouring stuff in, and she calms down and begins to draw Noddy in wax on her husband's right scapula.

The husband's mate looks bemused and asks the guy what she...

When my wife died, my entire world shattered.

You have a plan in your mind for your whole life, and then one day it's just gone, leaving you adrift. One day my best friend was gone. The woman I shared half my soul with. I could barely keep it together. I hate to admit, but I was useless in setting up the funeral. Her family did that, while mine...

How do know there's no hair on the moon?

The moon waxes 14 times a month!

Now that I am vaccinated I can joke about Covid

Here are a few.

———————

Day 251 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

———————

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!

———————

What’s the best way...

9th August 2021: a blond American woman is at the Canadian immigration counter......

The immigration officer is puzzled for a minute and then the light comes on.

"Thank you ma'am for that view but it is vaxxed not waxed'

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When to visit my friend the other day

He told me make yourself at home but stay out of the kitchen, the floors just got waxed an are a little slippery. I look over and see his two dogs running and falling over on the kitchen floor so i ask what is up with those two. He looks over and says with a smile.

"*Them bitches be trippin*...

How do we know the moon is hairless?

The moon spends half the month waxing!

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The Shah and the Guard

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.

And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the ti...

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Why did the duck go the the beautician before his big date?

To wax out his butt quack

Hahahahahahaha

Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs...

Wax on, whacks off!

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

Why did the karate kid sue Mr Miyagi?

For watching him while he wax off.

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Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now NSFW

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now and the vanilla sex stuff really got us bored. So we decided to finally step up the game. We tried blindfolds, wax, tying each other up but it was just not working for us. I brought up the topic of anal but she was really scared of it because i...

Using every letter in the alphabet in just one sentence makes things difficult, but to be fair...

quiz wax

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An IRS auditor visits a synagogue...

...and requests that the rabbi answer a few questions.

"You guys sure burn a lot of candles here. What do with all the leftover wax?" asks the auditor.

"Well, we try to be environmentally friendly, so we send it back to the candle factory, and they send us back new candles," answers t...

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A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi

The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,

"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"

The boys father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."
...

A multi part joke my dad used to tell.

Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the Shell station.

Why did the turtle go to the Shell station?
He needed Turtle Wax.

Why did the turtle need Turtle Wax?
He wanted to camouflage his shell.

Why did the turtle want to camouflage his shell?
He wanted to hi...

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.

He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people bu...

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and ...

Why I'm tired

For a couple of years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep,not enough sunshine,too much pressure from my job,ear wax buildup, poor blood,or anything else I could think of.But now I found out the real reason.Im tired because I'm overworked.And here's why:The population of this country is 273 milli...

There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage...

...but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage.

So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel. If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised.

The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the ...

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