UPJOKE
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Remember, Chemically Speaking

Bourbon *is* a solution

My local Swimming Pool is using a special chemical that will turn the entire Pool red if someone peed in it.

They're lieing it never works.

The Chemical

*One day a boy came home from school. when his grandfather saw him and noticed that his index finger was still and did not move. The grandfather asked him: My dear grandson, why is your finger like this? The boy replied: In the chemistry lab, a chemical was spilled on my finger and the school doctor...

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

What’s seafarer’s favorite chemical equation?

.

NaCl(aq) + NaCl(aq)
———————————
. C^7


~~ Saline, saline, over the seven seas ~~

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

What chemical got it's nickname from starting fires?

Arson Nick

What's the difference between a pipe fitter and a chemical engineer?

They way they pronounce unionized.

I asked my sciemce teacher what the chemical symbol for sodium was...

He said "Na"

What's the chemical structure of Holy Water?

H2OMG

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When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

There's a fire at the local chemical plant...

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said "All our secr...

Teacher: Mark, tell me the chemical formula of water

Mark: It's H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O

Teacher: That's not correct. How did you think of that?

Mark: You said it was H to O.

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Guy goes to Doc because his dick is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

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The Viagra I bought online was laced with a chemical found in Wite-Out

It gave me a massive correction!

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

Hey mate do you know what are the chemicals symbols for sodium, bromine and oxygen?

Na BrO !

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

The mechanical engineer says:
“It’s a broken starter”

The electrical engineer says:
“Dead battery”

The chemical engineer says:
“Impurities in the gasoline”

The IT engineer says:
“Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in”

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

Dihydrogen monoxide is a dangerous chemical!

It leaves two many aching!

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's ...

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As of the 25th of January, viagra is going to be sold by its chemical name.

Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.

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What is the main chemical compound in Viagra?

Macoxsafloppin.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

In mother amarica you remove the polish with chemicals.

In fatherland germany we remove the Polish with chemicals.

During an exam, a student pokes the guy next to him and whispers, "pssst... is C the chemical symbol for chlorine?"

He whispers back, "Na, Cl you idiot!".

"OK thanks..." replies the student, "but why so salty?"

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to lear...

To break the ice before a lab, we were told to tell our assigned groups the chemical element that represents us...

Sally said Helium because she's carefree and doesn't react to much. John said Potassium cause he loves to bring his energy into things and he's not keen on baths. Mary said Iron because she's malleable and likes to support everyone.
I said Uranium because I'm dense, unstable, and toxic.

TIL that a chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought

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I was talking to my therapist about my irrational fear of few chemicals.

Me: So, I'm afraid of hydroxyl groups.

Therapist: Oh.

Me: aaahhh...

Did you know my chemical romance doesn't use luggage check?

They said they'll carry on, they'll carry onnnnnnnn

Dennis lives in Washington DC, and is working as a dental assistant while he gets his degree in chemical engineering...

... He plays tennis every week with his professor, but is always playing pranks and getting into trouble during their matches.

One fine day in late April, after their weekly tennis match, Dennis and his professor are walking past the White House when they see through the raggedy old fence tha...

Where do chemicals come from?

The chemistree.




yeah i wanna die

What do you call someone who says you can chemically bond Lithium and Argon?

Well, just ask them what the bond would be named.

A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.

"All your base are belong to us"

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

What is the most festive chemical compound?

3HO (ho ho ho)

What is satan's favourite chemical?

Carbon. because it has 6 protons 6 neutrons and 6 electrons

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

What chemicals are best for keeping men away?

Deter-gents.

What does one call a dutch spy who specializes in chemical warfare?

Agent Orange

I've invented a new chemical compound consisting of sixteen Sodium atoms

I've named it "Batman."

I'm going on a date with a chemical engineer this week, what are some good chemisty/engineering jokes?

Best engineering joke I've heard:

A man is walking in a field when he notices a guy adrift in a hot air balloon with no fuel. Balloon guy shouts down "A little help here?"
The man on the ground looks up and shouts "You are in a hot air balloon with no fuel, you're about 20 feet off the gro...

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

I'm a Chemical Engineer and I have some good Chemistry jokes.

... but I never get a good reaction.

What chemical compound prevails over constant negative press?

Carbon monoxide vanadium di-iron

Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions?

Because they have a cattle list.

Me and my friend robbed a chemical plant last night.

We stole all their Alkaline.
Now all their base are belong to us.

Are you at all concerned that the heights of vegetables are rapidly increasing due to the amount of chemicals used on them?

No, I don't carrot tall.

Why do hypochondriacs make for good chemical catalysts?

They overreact to all external stimuli!

I would make a joke about I(+2) + I(+3) chemical reaction...

But it would take a while...

Guys joking about chemical weapons isn't funny.

Syriasly.

I asked a guy if he knew what the chemical formula was for Sodium Bromate...

He said NaBrO3

What is Donald trump’s favorite chemical process?

When two molecules bind temporarily because of random polarization
Oh f*k it it’s van der walls forces

Termite Food

So I work in a retail store where we routinely have shipments of freight arriving on wooden skids. A truck driver will come by every week or so, and pick up the empty skids so they can be reused.

Out of curiosity, I asked the driver if he ever worried about termites getting into his trailer....

What do you get when you cross Russian literature with balanced chemical equations?

Tolstoichiometry

Boudreaux goes to the brand new chemical plant looking for a job...

Unfortunately the only job open is a chemical engineer. Boudreaux, who is not a chemical engineer, applies anyway and is asked to come in to take a test. He shows up and is shown into a room with another man.

They are given a test to take and both of them complete them pretty quickly.
...

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

4 Engineers get in a car and the AC isn't working.

The mechanical engineer says, "the belt fan motor must not be working."

The electrical engineer says, "the fuse might be blown."

The chemical engineer says, "impurities in the gasoline."

The IT engineer says, "have you tried turning it off and on"

You know, the people saying that GMO's contain "chemicals" aren't wrong.

You just probably shouldn't tell them the entire Earth is made of the stuff.

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?

The e-mail was on the weighty matter of the nature of hell, as allegedly posed by a Dr Robert Shambaugh of the University of Oklahoma school of chemical engineering. It purports to be a final exam question from May 1997.

His May 1997 question for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class ...

Can Neon form a chemical bond with Indium?

NeIn.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*

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Medical science has come a long way.

There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the foreskin from new born males and create eyelids for those born without ...

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

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