Hey mate do you know what are the chemicals symbols for sodium, bromine and oxygen?

Na BrO !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a chemical factory worker?

Write down the word *'unionized'* and ask them to pronounce it.

Teacher: Mark, tell me the chemical formula of water

Mark: It's H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O

Teacher: That's not correct. How did you think of that?

Mark: You said it was H to O.

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

They say you can't reverse a chemical reaction

But the more bread I eat, the doughier I become.

Chemically speaking,

Alcohol is a solution.

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I was talking to my therapist about my irrational fear of few chemicals.

Me: So, I'm afraid of hydroxyl groups.

Therapist: Oh.

Me: aaahhh...

To break the ice before a lab, we were told to tell our assigned groups the chemical element that represents us...

Sally said Helium because she's carefree and doesn't react to much. John said Potassium cause he loves to bring his energy into things and he's not keen on baths. Mary said Iron because she's malleable and likes to support everyone.
I said Uranium because I'm dense, unstable, and toxic.

Did you know my chemical romance doesn't use luggage check?

They said they'll carry on, they'll carry onnnnnnnn

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

Formula for water

Chemical formula for water

The teacher asked, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
A student raises his hand and answers, "HIJKLMNO!"
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on earth are you talking about?"
Student answers, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*

Me: "What do I need to do to start a school?"

Person A: Well, for the Physics Department, you'd need to set up the lab equipments, instruments, apparatus and so on...

Person B: For the Chemistry Department, you'd need them chemical compounds, test tubes, all that stuff.

Person C: Oh, imagine setting up the Biology Department! Skel...

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

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you can remove polish with chemicals...

so long as you're not Hitler.

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What is the main chemical compound in Viagra?

Macoxsafloppin.

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When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl uses chemicals to remove the polish, and it's fine.

I use chemicals to remove the Polish, and I'm suddenly a nazi?

What is the most festive chemical compound?

3HO (ho ho ho)

A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.

"All your base are belong to us"

The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..."

One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"

A small town is constantly suffering catastrophic flooding when the nearby river crests...

The mayor puts out a solicitation for someone to offer a solution to this problem. Three men respond: a civil engineer, a chemist and a literary critic. They arrive to the town, and the civil engineer and the chemist go to the city hall to present their approaches, but the critic checks into a nearb...

I tried to create a great new chemical compound using oxygen and potassium...

It wasn't great, it was just OK.

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A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc my pecker has turned orange".

The doctor takes a look and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, a chemical plant?"

The guy answers, "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've ...

Dennis lives in Washington DC, and is working as a dental assistant while he gets his degree in chemical engineering...

... He plays tennis every week with his professor, but is always playing pranks and getting into trouble during their matches.

One fine day in late April, after their weekly tennis match, Dennis and his professor are walking past the White House when they see through the raggedy old fence tha...

A woman walks into a dry cleaners....

She says to the guy at the counter "Hopefully you have the expertise to apply a suitable chemical procedure to eliminate this unsightly blemish from my favourite frock."

He says, "Come again?"

She says, "No, it's mayonnaise this time."

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What do Hitler and Sunny D have in common?

They both like their juice with extra chemicals.

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

What is the chemical formula for Holy Water?

H2OMG

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A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

What does one call a dutch spy who specializes in chemical warfare?

Agent Orange

What's the chemical formula of ice?

Answer: H2O³

TIL that a chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought

Yo, could you tell me the chemical formula for Nitric Oxide?

NO

During an exam, a student pokes the guy next to him and whispers, "pssst... is C the chemical symbol for chlorine?"

He whispers back, "Na, Cl you idiot!".

"OK thanks..." replies the student, "but why so salty?"

What chemicals are best for keeping men away?

Deter-gents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As of the 25th of January, viagra is going to be sold by its chemical name.

Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.

What do you call someone who says you can chemically bond Lithium and Argon?

Well, just ask them what the bond would be named.

engineers

4 engineers are traveling down a road when suddenly the car comes to a stop

The electrical engineer says "the battery died"

The chemical engineer says "we ran out of fuel"

The civil engineer says "the road shredded the tires"

The computer engineer says "why don't we get o...

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

I've invented a new chemical compound consisting of sixteen Sodium atoms

I've named it "Batman."

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's ...

A group of nagging dentists discovered and new chemical element.

It's called Phlosphorus.

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

I'm safe in Kentucky..

Warning label of a paint can: This product contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm.

Me: *whiffing the fumes* Thank God I'm safe in Kentucky.

Where do chemicals come from?

The chemistree.




yeah i wanna die

What’s the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?

I don’t know, they just have me fly the drone

What is satan's favourite chemical?

Carbon. because it has 6 protons 6 neutrons and 6 electrons

Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions?

Because they have a cattle list.

Why do hypochondriacs make for good chemical catalysts?

They overreact to all external stimuli!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did?

Remove Polish using chemicals.

What do you get when you cross Russian literature with balanced chemical equations?

Tolstoichiometry

What was Stalin's favorite chemical equation?

HAmAr + SiCl

What chemical compound prevails over constant negative press?

Carbon monoxide vanadium di-iron

I'm a Chemical Engineer and I have some good Chemistry jokes.

... but I never get a good reaction.

Me and my friend robbed a chemical plant last night.

We stole all their Alkaline.
Now all their base are belong to us.

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear customers,

To whom it may concern, starting from next week you must ask for viagra by it’s chemical name.

Please ask for mycoxaflophin. Thank you.

I'm going on a date with a chemical engineer this week, what are some good chemisty/engineering jokes?

Best engineering joke I've heard:

A man is walking in a field when he notices a guy adrift in a hot air balloon with no fuel. Balloon guy shouts down "A little help here?"
The man on the ground looks up and shouts "You are in a hot air balloon with no fuel, you're about 20 feet off the gro...

A man with dentures goes to the dentist.

He explains to the dentist that his dentures don't feel right anymore. The Dentists sits him down, does a brief examination and exclaims, "what in the world? Your whole partial plate is corroded and like it was eaten away by some chemical. " The Dentist asks, "are you on a weird diet or somethin...

You know, the people saying that GMO's contain "chemicals" aren't wrong.

You just probably shouldn't tell them the entire Earth is made of the stuff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

I asked a guy if he knew what the chemical formula was for Sodium Bromate...

He said NaBrO3

A tourist was passing through a town in the heat of summer.

He wanted to be sure the water was good to drink, so he asked a local. “Oh, yes,” they assured him. The tourist then asked the local what made them so sure. "Well," they answered, "first we filters it, then we takes out the harmful minerals, then we puts it through some chemical process, and then we...

Boudreaux goes to the brand new chemical plant looking for a job...

Unfortunately the only job open is a chemical engineer. Boudreaux, who is not a chemical engineer, applies anyway and is asked to come in to take a test. He shows up and is shown into a room with another man.

They are given a test to take and both of them complete them pretty quickly.
...

What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?

My Chemical Romance

Guys joking about chemical weapons isn't funny.

Syriasly.

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is capitalization important?

because using chemicals to remove polish is just an annoying thing people have to do with their nails but using chemicals to remove Polish is one of hitler's war crimes.

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

Can Neon form a chemical bond with Indium?

NeIn.

I can't believe some people

Girls remove polish with chemicals all the time, but one guy does it and we apparently need to start a second world war to stop him.

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