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you can remove polish with chemicals...

so long as you're not Hitler.

A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.

"All your base are belong to us"

The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..."

One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"

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A girl uses chemicals to remove the polish, and it's fine.

I use chemicals to remove the Polish, and I'm suddenly a nazi?

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What is the main chemical compound in Viagra?

Macoxsafloppin.

I tried to create a great new chemical compound using oxygen and potassium...

It wasn't great, it was just OK.

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When a woman removes polish with chemicals, nobody bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

What's the chemical formula of ice?

Answer: H2O³

What is a pirate's favorite chemical symbol?

Au

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Dear customers,

To whom it may concern, starting from next week you must ask for viagra by it’s chemical name.

Please ask for mycoxaflophin. Thank you.

What is the chemical structure for Holy Water?

H2OMG

What chemicals are best for keeping men away?

Deter-gents.

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

TIL that a chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought

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Why is capitalization important?

because using chemicals to remove polish is just an annoying thing people have to do with their nails but using chemicals to remove Polish is one of hitler's war crimes.

Yo, could you tell me the chemical formula for Nitric Oxide?

NO

Are you at all concerned that the heights of vegetables are rapidly increasing due to the amount of chemicals used on them?

No, I don't carrot tall.

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Johnny: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: Excuse me?

Johnny: Yesterday, you said it's H to O.

A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

A group of nagging dentists discovered and new chemical element.

It's called Phlosphorus.

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?

My Chemical Romance

During an exam, a student pokes the guy next to him and whispers, "pssst... is C the chemical symbol for chlorine?"

He whispers back, "Na, Cl you idiot!".

"OK thanks..." replies the student, "but why so salty?"

I've invented a new chemical compound consisting of sixteen Sodium atoms

I've named it "Batman."

What do you call someone who says you can chemically bond Lithium and Argon?

Well, just ask them what the bond would be named.

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

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As of the 25th of January, viagra is going to be sold by its chemical name.

Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.

Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions?

Because they have a cattle list.

I can't believe some people

Girls remove polish with chemicals all the time, but one guy does it and we apparently need to start a second world war to stop him.

What is the chemical formula of water?

The teacher asked.

Bob answered "H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O".

Teacher: "What is this?!"

Bob: "well you said H2O?"

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.

The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.

The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.

The IT engineer says: Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

What is satan's favourite chemical?

Carbon. because it has 6 protons 6 neutrons and 6 electrons

What’s the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?

I don’t know, they just have me fly the drone

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

Why do hypochondriacs make for good chemical catalysts?

They overreact to all external stimuli!

Where do chemicals come from?

The chemistree.




yeah i wanna die

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's ...

My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...

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Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",





But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

What do you get when you cross Russian literature with balanced chemical equations?

Tolstoichiometry

Jersey Joke

Why did New York end up with all the lawyers and Jersey with all the chemical plants?





Jersey had first choice.

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What chemical do you take to make your butt smaller?

Deacetone.

What chemical compound prevails over constant negative press?

Carbon monoxide vanadium di-iron

What was Stalin's favorite chemical equation?

HAmAr + SiCl

Me and my friend robbed a chemical plant last night.

We stole all their Alkaline.
Now all their base are belong to us.

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A guy went to the doctor complaining of an orange penis.

The doctor looked at him rather puzzled, as he'd never seen anything like this before.

Doctor: Do you use any unusual chemicals at work?

Patient: No I'm unemployed.

Doctor: How about hobbies, is there anything you do in your spare time that could cause this?

Patient: No I...

I'm a Chemical Engineer and I have some good Chemistry jokes.

... but I never get a good reaction.

What is Donald trump’s favorite chemical process?

When two molecules bind temporarily because of random polarization
Oh f*k it it’s van der walls forces

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

What’s the similarity between girls into nail art and Germans?

Both remove polish with chemicals.

You know, the people saying that GMO's contain "chemicals" aren't wrong.

You just probably shouldn't tell them the entire Earth is made of the stuff.

What is the chemical composition of banana?

Barium disodium

I'm going on a date with a chemical engineer this week, what are some good chemisty/engineering jokes?

Best engineering joke I've heard:

A man is walking in a field when he notices a guy adrift in a hot air balloon with no fuel. Balloon guy shouts down "A little help here?"
The man on the ground looks up and shouts "You are in a hot air balloon with no fuel, you're about 20 feet off the gro...

I asked a guy if he knew what the chemical formula was for Sodium Bromate...

He said NaBrO3

Bananas and avocados grow old together. I ship them.

Explanation: Many companies ship pre-ripe avocados with bananas, which release chemicals that ripen avocados on their way to the store. (This is so the avocados are freshly ripe when they get to the store, not when picked) (grow old = ripen)

Boudreaux goes to the brand new chemical plant looking for a job...

Unfortunately the only job open is a chemical engineer. Boudreaux, who is not a chemical engineer, applies anyway and is asked to come in to take a test. He shows up and is shown into a room with another man.

They are given a test to take and both of them complete them pretty quickly.
...

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*

Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken

Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas

Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken

Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car ano...

A husband and wife are visiting the wife’s family during the holidays.

Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. “Excuse me,” the man asks the grocer, “are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill ...

Guys joking about chemical weapons isn't funny.

Syriasly.

I named my sons Ethanol and Methanol

They’re now known as the chemical brothers

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

Can Neon form a chemical bond with Indium?

NeIn.

A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...

He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist’s face.

That was not the reaction he was hoping for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Orange Dick

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange. The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty norma...

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