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Nails Jokes

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

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I dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

And Michael had a Penis.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

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I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.

He said “For fuck’s sake, will you stop painting the damn things and just hammer them into the damn wall”

Jesus walks into an inn carrying three nails.

He says to the innkeeper "Can you put me up for the night?"

What takes many nails to build, but only one screw to use?

A crib.

A duck walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and asks

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No, and if you ask again, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

"Got any nails?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

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A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product.

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need: "We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of ...

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

It was good Friday so Jesus went to get his nails done...

The lady doing his nails asked "what color do you want? Or how about a clear coat?"

Jesus replied "thanks, but really I just want the rust removed"

Cohen Nails

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefited from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.
<...

Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then repl...

What did Jesus say when they took the nails out of his hands?

THE FEET!!! THE FEET!!!

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

A man went into a hardware store and asked for some nails 'How long do you want them?' Asked the store assistant

'I was planning on keeping them' replied the man

Murphy’s Nails

Two brothers start up a company that manufactures nails, one is in charge of sales and the other marketing. They needed a commercial, so the one in charge of marketing got to work.

A few weeks later he excitedly shows the footage to his brother. It starts with a wide shot of a mob of people ...

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What do you call an asexual musician with a passion for refinishing nails?

Acetone!

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Nails on a chalkboard. Which One You Say?

I dunno, both would make a horrible sound.

I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

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A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar...

A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar and strolls up to the bar that already has wall to wall customers. He shoves everyone to one side and demands the bartender's attention. Everyone is immediately cowed into silence by the look of him.

"Gimme a shot of whiskey!" He barks...

A duck walks into a store...

He shouts at the proprietor, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor answers, "No, we don't."

The next day, the duck returns, and asks, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck food. Now please leave."

The n...

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

How did the nails get to work?

With a Screwdriver

Why do carpenters sometimes switch hands to hammer nails?

So that it feels like someone else is doing the work.

Mr Wilson sold nails and wanted to be the biggest nail dealer in the world so he decided to make a commercial

He hired an ad firm to make the commercial. He looks at The first ad and its Jesus being nailed to the cross, when the camera closes in, the nails say Wilson. He says "no,no,no" I'm trying to make business not lose it.
The ad exec say sorry about that, I know what you want I'll be back tomorrow...

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

I bite my nails and it's killing my teeth

I should probably take my shoes off

A man is nailing siding onto a house, but he throws away every second or third nail he picks up.

The boss says "you're wasting nails, why are you throwing so many away!?"

"They are pointed on the wrong side" says the employee.

"You idiot" the boss exclaims, "those are for the other side of the house".

You can tell a lot about a man by how he takes care of his nails

Some keep them in a storage container, in a can, or just lying open in a drawer.

It's good to know that in these tough times, there's still someone doing hair, nails, and brows.

The Funeral Director.

Keep going outside for an early appointment.

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The head is on the wrong end of this nail.

A carpenter was putting siding on a house. He'd reach in his pouch pull out a nail and drive it, then he'd pull out a nail and toss it over his shoulder, he continued, sometimes driving the nail and sometimes tossing it.


His partner asked, "Why are you throwing away some of your na...

I’m going to have to clip my finger nails soon...

There getting out of hand

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

Did you know that to make a crib that meets Federal standards, it takes at least 763 nails?

But it only takes one screw to fill it.

I cured a terrible case of nail biting.

I told him to become a plumber, he did and now he never bits his fingernails.

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

Why didn't Jesus ever get his nails painted?

He had a hard time getting them out from the cross.

Two Irish men are nailing down floorboards

The first man grabs a nail but it is upside down so he tosses it away. He grabs the next nail but it also upside down so he throws that away too. He continues this process until he finds one the right side down.

The second man comes over and say "What the hell are you doing?" The first man re...

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