“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

Does anyone know of a kind of relationship where you and the other person have a caring and mutual bond -- but you're not romantically attached to them, and you're not their family?

Asking for a friend.

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

What is James Bond’s favorite pasta…?

Mini Penne

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

Two guys become best friends in high school, bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs. And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together. During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again seemi...

James Bond's father :

How many marks did you get?

James Bond: 95% ………… 34.95%

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.

He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.

The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

I really bonded with the guy at the glue factory.

We have been inseparable ever since we met.

When bond told her that her father was dead...

She looked shaken, not stirred.

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 people stranded

3 people are stranded at an island.

They see that there is a tribe. One of them says " fuck it,
lets just go" and they go to the tribe.


They immediatly get captured and bonded to a log.

First man gets questioned.

"Ooga or death?"

"Ooga" says the first man ...

What did the oxygen atom in tuxedo say to the hydrogen atoms?

Bond, Covalent Bond

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

The release of the Bond movie has been postponed once again because of COVID.

Hollywood wants to die another day.

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die?

00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University...

They don’t see each other much anymore but they’re still tight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer.

The truth is, it is just an asshole!

What did the negative electron say when electrovalent bonding?

Up-n-atom.



P.s. Sorry, first joke here. Not sure if OC yet but hope you enjoyed it!

Michael J Fox takes a job as a bartender

On his first shift James Bond walks in.

"What'll it be?" Says Michael

Bond takes one look at him and replies.

"I'll have a Martini"

The name's Bond.

Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

Decided to take a welding class with my new date.

It was quite the bonding experience.

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

Do you know the difference between a man and a bond?

The bond matures.

When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

A pregnant woman is at the hospital with her husband, when they are asked if they'd like to try an experimental device.

The device transfers some of the pain of labour and contractions to the father, as a gesture of love and bonding between the couple. The two agree.


They hook up the man and the woman to the device, turn it on while the woman is having contractions, but nothing happens. Confused, they ti...

James Bond walks into a bar

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a lady. After his order is taken he looks at his watch and says: according to my watch, you’re not wearing any underwear. But I do wear underwear! The lady replies. My apologies, James says, my watch must be an hour ahead of time!

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing bonde and an old lady...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is...

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

What do you call someone who says you can chemically bond Lithium and Argon?

Well, just ask them what the bond would be named.

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An H+ ion and a hydrogen atom were bonding

"No homo?" the hydrogen atom asks.
"No homo," the H+ ion says sadly.

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

Why did the Sodium get arrested when he tried to bond with Chlorine?

It was a salt.

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin."

That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.

What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

What is the name of Daniel Craig's last movie?

Probably, "Bond Voyage."

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

TIFU by allowing my young children to bond with and name a cow Big Miss.

We made Big Miss steaks today.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

How do atoms find a partner to bond with?

Through carbon dating

Joseph stole my girl...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

What do they call Gold Bond at Hogwarts?

Quidditch.

I liked the new show Bonding on Netflix but it was too short.

Just like Fred.

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out?

I think they would really bond

The names Bond...

I am writing the next James Bond movie. In order to thwart Bonds womanizing means of infiltration, the latest evil mastermind has employed an army of devout nuns.

I am calling it, Hymen’s Are Forever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it that when guys pledging a fraternity do it it's considered "bonding" and "building a brotherhood"..

.. but when me and my friends do it it's "weird" and "anal sex"

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is ...

What did they lawyer say to James Bond?

I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

My chemistry teacher was talking about Hydrogen Bonding today.

Sounds like a lot of FON.

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

Father daughter bonding. NSFW.

A six year old girl was brushing her teeth when her mother got out of the shower. Shocked, the girl pointed to her mother's chest and said "What are those?" "Well, you'll get them in a few years, honey" her mother replies. a few days pass and the girl is brushing her teeth again, when her father ...

My whole family bonded over math. Calculus was our religion. Except my grandfather...

...he was against integration.

Credit: Matthew Broussard

I tried to bond with my son by teaching him how to play the theremin.

My wife didn't think it was a hands-on activity.

Does anybody want to hang out and form a bond over our shared interests?

I'm asking for a friend.

Father Son Bonding

A teen boy hears his mother screaming late one night, walks into his parents bedroom and is horrified when the boy sees his father going at his mom from behind... the father turns his head and notices the boy. Without stopping, the dad smiles and winks at his son then waves at him to leave the room....

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