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Bond Jokes

What does Bond’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”
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I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

The name's Bond.

Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

What does James Bond do before he falls asleep?

He goes "Under Cover"

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

who is James bonds favorite bar tender?

Michael J. Fox

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

What is James Bond called in Newfoundland?

007:30

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

Why the next James Bond should be a woman

The next Bond should be a woman!

Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...

... And all of that while she's parking.

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

How does James Bond like to sleep?

Under covers.

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.

I said "No time to die"?

He replied: we can go tomorrow then!

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?

One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

Two guys become best friends in high school, bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs. And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together. During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again seemi...

Scientists now have a word for post-coital bonding

Unfortunately all the men in the study had fallen asleep before it could be explained to them.

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire were finally able to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame by using a Jedi mind trick...

"These are not the 'roids you're looking for ..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University...

They don’t see each other much anymore but they’re still tight.

When bond told her that her father was dead...

She looked shaken, not stirred.

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

The release of the Bond movie has been postponed once again because of COVID.

Hollywood wants to die another day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

I really bonded with the guy at the glue factory.

We have been inseparable ever since we met.

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

TIFU by allowing my children to name and bond with a farm animal.

We made Big Miss steaks today.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer.

The truth is, it is just an asshole!

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

Did you hear about the bond trader that got fired?

He lost a lot of face.

What did the negative electron say when electrovalent bonding?

Up-n-atom.



P.s. Sorry, first joke here. Not sure if OC yet but hope you enjoyed it!

Why did the Sodium get arrested when he tried to bond with Chlorine?

It was a salt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing bonde and an old lady...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is...

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

What do you call someone who says you can chemically bond Lithium and Argon?

Well, just ask them what the bond would be named.

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

Breaking News: James Bond cancels Beijing tour

Because this is No Time to Die.

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

How do atoms find a partner to bond with?

Through carbon dating

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

Father daughter bonding. NSFW.

A six year old girl was brushing her teeth when her mother got out of the shower. Shocked, the girl pointed to her mother's chest and said "What are those?" "Well, you'll get them in a few years, honey" her mother replies. a few days pass and the girl is brushing her teeth again, when her father ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it that when guys pledging a fraternity do it it's considered "bonding" and "building a brotherhood"..

.. but when me and my friends do it it's "weird" and "anal sex"

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

...when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries....

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

The names Bond...

I am writing the next James Bond movie. In order to thwart Bonds womanizing means of infiltration, the latest evil mastermind has employed an army of devout nuns.

I am calling it, Hymen’s Are Forever.

What do they call Gold Bond at Hogwarts?

Quidditch.

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

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