How does James Bond like to be woken up?

Shaken, not stirred.

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

I have a James Bond bank account

It reads as follows, 0.07

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die?

00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

What does James Bond do before going to bed?

He goes under cover.

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

The release of the Bond movie has been postponed once again because of COVID.

Hollywood wants to die another day.

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble-0-7

TIFU by allowing my children to name and bond with a farm animal.

We made Big Miss steaks today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer.

The truth is, it is just an asshole!

What did the negative electron say when electrovalent bonding?

Up-n-atom.



P.s. Sorry, first joke here. Not sure if OC yet but hope you enjoyed it!

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Sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University...

They don’t see each other much anymore but they’re still tight.

Did you hear about the bond trader that got fired?

He lost a lot of face.

What does the doorbell of james bond sound like

Dong, Ding Dong

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

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what kind of sex does James Bond have

James Bondage

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James Bond called his dick "cover"

You would shocked to hear how many times Britain's top spy had his cover blown....

True story from the in-laws.

Was at the in-laws' place (okay my girlfriend's parents') and was chatting with her father as grandpa was watching a James Bond film.

Father: Well, TheCapedMoose, who's the better bond, Shaun Connery or Roger Moore?

Me: I dunno, it's kind of a toss up...

Father: No it isn't, Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

Divorce is like an Ionic bond.

They completely steal your electron. You're stuck together by the electrostatic force. And when you finally dissociate they still keep all your stuff.

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?



(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

Breaking News: James Bond cancels Beijing tour

Because this is No Time to Die.

Do you know the difference between a man and a bond?

The bond matures.

When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, do you think you would remarry?" (joke from my 79 year old great aunt)

The husband replies, "Remarry? No way! I'd be too devestated by your death, I could never replace you."

The wife insists that her husband take a new wife, "If I go before you, I would hate for you to be alone. Please tell me you'd find a new wife."

The husband promises to honor his wi...

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

What did the hysterical 007 agent say to the car thief?

Hes driving me bond cars.

The name's Bond.

Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

Sean Connery passed away peacefully in his sleep at age 90, he and Roger Moore were good friends...

They shared a Bond.

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

Sean Connery arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter, who says:

Sean! We’ve been waiting for a while, sorry you had to leave, but the big man can’t wait to meet you. He’s gonna come a see you about ten-ish.
Sean thinks for a second an replies,
“Tennish? But I didn’t bring a racquet”


RIP Lgend. You were the best bond by far.

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What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (1 of 2)

What is James Bond's favorite time to tune into Wimbledon?

Tennish.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

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An H+ ion and a hydrogen atom were bonding

"No homo?" the hydrogen atom asks.
"No homo," the H+ ion says sadly.

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

What do you call a secret agent that holds two atoms together?

Bond. Atomic Bond.

Joseph

One night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend, when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, fell over and broke my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, I didn't even know where he was from, but since he was my roommat...

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

What do you call someone who says you can chemically bond Lithium and Argon?

Well, just ask them what the bond would be named.

What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing bonde and an old lady...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is...

An Irish man moves to a small town

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happ...

Why did the Sodium get arrested when he tried to bond with Chlorine?

It was a salt.

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

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Viagra: it won’t make you James Bond...

But it’ll make you Roger Moore.

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

A frog goes into a bank

“What can I help you with?” asks the Teller.

“I’d like to apply for a loan” says the frog.

“Oh” says the Teller “you need to speak with our Loan Officer, Miss Whack”.

The Teller leads the frog to Miss Whacks office and, informs her that the frog wants to apply for a loan. “What ...

My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin."

That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.

People always cry when cutting onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I liked the new show Bonding on Netflix but it was too short.

Just like Fred.

What's James Bond's favorite kind of pasta?

(in a Scottish accent)
Mini Penne

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

How do atoms find a partner to bond with?

Through carbon dating

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

What do they call Gold Bond at Hogwarts?

Quidditch.

Did you hear where they're looking for the new James Bond actor?

In Daniel Craigslist

People who are offended when I breastfeed need to calm down!

What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

The names Bond...

I am writing the next James Bond movie. In order to thwart Bonds womanizing means of infiltration, the latest evil mastermind has employed an army of devout nuns.

I am calling it, Hymen’s Are Forever.

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?

That’s because my assistant just injected you with the measles vaccine. You’re autistic now.

My friend is an honourable, courteous and chivalrous guy. But he hates the stock market. When I asked him why, he said:

Gentlemen prefer bonds.

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

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Why is it that when guys pledging a fraternity do it it's considered "bonding" and "building a brotherhood"..

.. but when me and my friends do it it's "weird" and "anal sex"

My chemistry teacher was talking about Hydrogen Bonding today.

Sounds like a lot of FON.

Three Irish fellows would meet at a bar every day after work for a pint of Guinness and a shot of Jameson.

Same time everyday at the same bar. This went on for years and as time went on the bond between these three men grew into something like a brotherhood.

Then one day as they were having their after work drinks, two of the fellows seemed really down. That's when one of the friends announced th...

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

What did they lawyer say to James Bond?

I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

A salesman was travelling through the countryside,

selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that b...

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

My whole family bonded over math. Calculus was our religion. Except my grandfather...

...he was against integration.

Credit: Matthew Broussard

I tried to bond with my son by teaching him how to play the theremin.

My wife didn't think it was a hands-on activity.

What were Bush & the interior designer bonding over?

Inside jobs.

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

Just made up this chemistry joke, what do you think?

A sodium atom and a chlorine atom meet in a bar. During the conversation, these 2 atoms really start to *bond*.

Everything seems to be going well but shortly after the chlorine atom bursts into tears.

"What's wrong?!" the sodium atom asked.

"I'm negatively charged!" the chlorine...

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

Father daughter bonding. NSFW.

A six year old girl was brushing her teeth when her mother got out of the shower. Shocked, the girl pointed to her mother's chest and said "What are those?" "Well, you'll get them in a few years, honey" her mother replies. a few days pass and the girl is brushing her teeth again, when her father ...

Does anybody want to hang out and form a bond over our shared interests?

I'm asking for a friend.

Why did the H2 bond with the O?

Didn't mean to, it was an oxidant

Father Son Bonding

A teen boy hears his mother screaming late one night, walks into his parents bedroom and is horrified when the boy sees his father going at his mom from behind... the father turns his head and notices the boy. Without stopping, the dad smiles and winks at his son then waves at him to leave the room....

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

what do you call a female james bond?

0077 cents on the dollar

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