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Bond Jokes

What does Bond’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?”

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

The name's Bond.

Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

What does James Bond do before he falls asleep?

He goes "Under Cover"

Much like my parents, I cannot stop talking about Hydrogen bonding

I guess it's in my genes

who is James bonds favorite bar tender?

Michael J. Fox

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.

I said "No time to die"?

He replied: we can go tomorrow then!

What is James Bond called in Newfoundland?

007:30

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

How does James Bond like to sleep?

Under covers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

Why the next James Bond should be a woman

The next Bond should be a woman!

Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...

... And all of that while she's parking.

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

Two guys become best friends in high school, bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs. And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together. During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again seemi...

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?

One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

When bond told her that her father was dead...

She looked shaken, not stirred.

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

The names Bond...

I am writing the next James Bond movie. In order to thwart Bonds womanizing means of infiltration, the latest evil mastermind has employed an army of devout nuns.

I am calling it, Hymen’s Are Forever.

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

Father daughter bonding. NSFW.

A six year old girl was brushing her teeth when her mother got out of the shower. Shocked, the girl pointed to her mother's chest and said "What are those?" "Well, you'll get them in a few years, honey" her mother replies. a few days pass and the girl is brushing her teeth again, when her father ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what kind of sex does James Bond have

James Bondage

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

James Bond walks into a bar

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a lady. After his order is taken he looks at his watch and says: according to my watch, you’re not wearing any underwear. But I do wear underwear! The lady replies. My apologies, James says, my watch must be an hour ahead of time!

I really bonded with the guy at the glue factory.

We have been inseparable ever since we met.

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

What did the negative electron say when electrovalent bonding?

Up-n-atom.



P.s. Sorry, first joke here. Not sure if OC yet but hope you enjoyed it!

007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle.

His orders are to, "bond James, bond".

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

Did you hear about the bond trader that got fired?

He lost a lot of face.

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University...

They don’t see each other much anymore but they’re still tight.

Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

The release of the Bond movie has been postponed once again because of COVID.

Hollywood wants to die another day.

How do atoms find a partner to bond with?

Through carbon dating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing bonde and an old lady...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is...

Father Son Bonding

A teen boy hears his mother screaming late one night, walks into his parents bedroom and is horrified when the boy sees his father going at his mom from behind... the father turns his head and notices the boy. Without stopping, the dad smiles and winks at his son then waves at him to leave the room....

TIFU by allowing my children to name and bond with a farm animal.

We made Big Miss steaks today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

What do they call Gold Bond at Hogwarts?

Quidditch.

Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin."

That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

What did they lawyer say to James Bond?

I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken.

Chicken: What's your name?

Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond.

Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.

Girls are like hydrogen bonds

They just want to have FON!

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

What do you call someone who says you can chemically bond Lithium and Argon?

Well, just ask them what the bond would be named.

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

Why did the Sodium get arrested when he tried to bond with Chlorine?

It was a salt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An H+ ion and a hydrogen atom were bonding

"No homo?" the hydrogen atom asks.
"No homo," the H+ ion says sadly.

Mr.Bond caught pants down

"Ah, Mr Bond, I-"
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
"-wasn't expecting you."

Why did the H2 bond with the O?

Didn't mean to, it was an oxidant

My dad told me to invest my money into bonds.

So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

...when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries....

Two Helium Atoms Are Bonding.

HeHe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would happen if James Bond took Viagra?

He would continue to be a state-sponsored terrorist whose actions disgrace us all.

Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire were finally able to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame by using a Jedi mind trick...

"These are not the 'roids you're looking for ..."

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

What's the biggest difference between men and investment bonds?

Bonds mature.

How does the modern-day James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred

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