A cement truck smashed into a prison van...

Police are telling people to be on the lookout for 8 hardened criminals.

What did the cement say to the sign?

I'll keep you posted

You hear about the paddy wagon that collided with cement mixer Ed?

12 hardened criminals escaped.

*Police Alert* Two men wanted for stealing a cement mixer.

Caution is advised. They are hardened criminals.

I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...

I need to see some concrete evidence

Eating cement is bad

There is a concrete evidence for that

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

​

I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...

and then the plot thickens.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'd be very scared if I swallowed a cup of cement

I'd be shittin' bricks

I really hope Trump falls in some wet cement.

That'll set a bad president

Two fish are swimming and suddenly reach a cement wall

"Dam"

A man draws a line on the cement with chalk, he then thrusts his fists at it.

Thats the punch line.

A thief tripped and fell into wet cement...

He became a hardened criminal.

What do you call an apple filled with cement?

Hardcore.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How scared was the man who ate cement?

Lets just say, he shit a brick.

Did you hear about the truck that spilt concrete across the road?

It wasn't cement to happen.

How do you make a song better using cement?

By remixing it.

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

Memory Problems

An old husband and his wife were sitting in a doctor’s office to get help for their failing memory. “Maybe you should each do something special for for the other and then talk about it. That way, it will help cement it better in your minds.” The old couple thanked the doctor and went home.

Wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Overheard on two guys unloading a truck the other day

Guy 1: What's the difference between mortar mix and cement mix?

Guy 2: I dunno what?

Guy 1: I wasnt telling a fucking joke I want to know the difference!

The Kadink Kadonk Machine

There was once a very rich collector, he owned many valuable and rare items. One day, whilst talking to a friend they discussed rare items.


“I own nearly every valuable rare item known to man” said the rich collector.


“I know something you don’t own” said his friend.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest.

Class starts and the teacher says: "O...

My friend is dating an Italian bricklayer.

It's cement to be.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Builder's block

A building labourer when to see the doctor, complaining of constipation.
'Drop them and I'll have a look.'
The doctor then left the room, returning with a pickaxe - which he swung and hit the man right on the bum hole.

All at once, the man involuntarily passed an enormous bowel movement...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Introducing a new joke style: I wish all the ladies

This was a thing we used to do on my sea scout ship after competition. It's a rhyming couplet in the general style of

"I wish all the ladies
Were [XXXX]
And I'd be [YYYY]
And [sex pun]"

A few examples:

I wish all the ladies
Were winds on the sea
And I'd be the sa...

Wrote this one myself (it's a long one but it's good)

There's a man who's decided to redo his bathroom.
He's going with an all red theme; red sink, red countertop, red toilet. The whole shabang.
He starts first with the red countertop, then he installs the red sinks and toilet, then he finally starts laying the tiles.
The ground tiles are lai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American, an Englishman and a Japanese man.....

.... were all seeking work on a building site. The foreman looks at them each and says "Ok, you Americans are hard workers, you can mix the cement, you British are good craftsmen, you can lay the bricks and you Japanese are good with logistics, you can be in charge of supplies."
The American and ...

You're in charge of the supplies

American, Englishman and a China man apply for a job at a construction site.

Foreman gives the American the job of carpentry, the English man the job of masonry and the China man gets the job of supplies.

A month later the foreman comes back to the site and finds the American sawing an...

Man wishes to understand women.

A man is surfing along the beaches of Southern California when he spots a strange looking bottle washed ashore nearby. He makes his way over to the bottle and tries to rub off the sand caked on the front of it so he can read it. However, this causes the bottle to start shaking violently in his hands...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe walks into a bar ...

One afternoon Joe walked into a bar he had never been in before. The bartender asked him "What will it be?". Joe said "Long Island, please." While Joe was waiting for his drink he spotted a giant glass jar full of money on display behind the bar. When the bartender brought him his drink Joe asked...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a man of Jewish descent

As a man of Jewish descent I don't like jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But every now and then even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

So I have a very good ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Irishman in a bar

A Irishman walks into a bar and sits in front of the bar keep. He orders a beer, and looks depressed. The bartender says nothing, as it's common to see sad people in there. After the Irishman has had 3 or 4 beers, the Irishman looks at the bartender and behind to speak.

"Do you see this bart...

I used to date a Bricklayers daughter..

Cement the world to me.

Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke

One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him "I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back." The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, "I wish that only **...

In Memory of Ronnie Corbett

Here's some of his best jokes

- A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

- We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

- A man was maro...

A foreman working on a construction site walks up to his only workers for the day...

They were an Irishman, Englishman and a Chinese.

The foreman walks up to the Irishman and tells him:

"I will be going out for a few hours to do some paperwork. In the meantime I want you to shovel this pile of gravel into the truck so it can be taken away when I get back."

He t...

I ate a lot.

It tasted like cement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charlie and Jason are at the zoo...

...And Jason decided he wanted to see the gorillas. Charlie decided he wants to see the naked mole rats, so they go their separate ways.

Jason walked up to the gorilla cage to see the gorilla staring at him. Jason laughed and waved at the animal jokingly. To his surprise, the gorilla waved ba...

A child was born without a body...

The doctor said there was nothing they could do, but the parents cared for their child anyways.
Several years later, the parents were approached by the same doctor, saying, "I've got some good news. We now have the capability to give your child a body, would you like that?" Of course the parent...

Kudos if you get the joke

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician each have their respective problem-solving skills tested by a group of researchers. They are each placed in separate locked 4x4 cells with walls made of cement and given a can of food. They are told to open the cans and get the food out using no other ou...

There is a head on collision on a road....

In one car is a Priest and in the other is a Rabbi. As they get out of the cars they realise that neither is even slightly hurt but the cars are totalled.

"Praise the Lord!" says the Priest, "This must be a sign from God that we are to be friends!".

"Indeed it must." agrees the Rabbi....

Short comical narrative I wrote

The detective’s heels clicked on the cement steps as he approached the door. The deputy ducked under the police line behind him. He knocked and the door was slowly opened by the woman. The blue and red lights were reflected in her wet eyes.
“Mrs. Johnson?” He asked.
“Yes. . . ?” The wo...

As seen on a masonry truck

Cement shop robbed, police investigators find no concrete evidence

A Drill Instructor was training a group of new Lieutenants

He gives them the problem of how to raise a flag pole and asks each, in turn, how he would organize the work.

The first Lieutenant says he would have the men dig a hole, slide the poll in and tamp down the earth around it.

The next Lieutenant says much the same except he throws in a fe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DOG BALLS

Q: What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement?
A: Sparky.