UPJOKE
adhesivewetgummyviscouspastyglueawkwardsteamymuggyembarrassingdifficulthardgooeydelicatethick

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a dog do that a man steps in?

Pants. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

I’m looking for a third joke with a punchline that appears to be, but isn’t, feces related. Please help me finish my pseudo-poop dad joke trifecta.

Why was the floor of the fireplace sticky on Christmas morning?

Because Santa Claus came down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

What do you call a sticky guitar?

A-gloustic

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

What’s brown and sticky?

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

What’s pink and slippery?

A pink slipper.

What’s brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A sticky situation

A woman was feeling unwell and went to the doctor. Being profoundly deaf she brought her husband along as an interpreter.
The doctor said " I think that you'll be fine but to be on the safe side I will run a few tests...I'll need urine stool and blood samples and I'll take a vaginal swab "...

Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?

Maple Stirrups.

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

Why does a thief need glue?

To give him sticky fingers.

A cowboy was asked by his town to find buffalo to hunt before winter.

So he hired a local Indian to help him find the nearest herd. After several days of riding, the quiet old Indian suddenly stopped, jumped down from his mount, and put one ear to the ground. “Here,” he said. “Buffalo come.” The cowboy asked, “How do you know?” The Indian wiped his cheek and replied, ...

What goes in mouth dry and hard and come out soft and sticky?

Chewing gum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to have kidney stones removed so to prepare for surgery…

I wrote “I was in the pool!” on a sticky note an stuck it to my penis

What's brown and sticky on the inside, brown and sticky on the outside?

Any open jar of Marmite.

Tracker

So the cowboys hire a native american tracker. The tracker would often dismount his horse, look closely at the ground, sniff, put his ears on the ground, etc.

So today they are riding a trail. Tracker asks for a halt, gets off the horse and holds his ears to the ground. Gets up says "Buffalo ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead notice a sticky white substance on the floor of the elevator up to their flat...

“Looks like semen” says the brunette, eyeing it

“Smells like semen” says the blonde, sniffing it

“Nobody in this building”, says the redhead, tasting it

A Ranger was given the job of

hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an aboriginal Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The Ranger scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothi...

Did you know that tree branches are the best tools for catching bugs?

They're very sticky.

So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool"

Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s brown and sticky?

Reposts.

What is brown and sticky?

The prime minister of Ukraine's nose

What is brown, sticky, and walks through the desert?

A caramel.

What's the difference between a piano , tuna and sticky glue?

you can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna

What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes?

Slow natives.

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After reading about Zelensky's massive balls all over the internet Putin calls up Zelensky to prove him wrong. They decide to meet up in Ukraine to put it to a test.

"He, who ejaculates most wins!" said Putin. Zelensky agreed.

First up, it was Putin. He began stroking his tiny member and after a few seconds, out came his seeds.

"100 millilitres!!" shouted someone from the back.

"Piss off, Trump. It's just 10 millilitres" said Biden who h...

What do you about family members with sticky fingers?

You wash your hands of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

A sticky encounter

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: "Can I see your dad?" Johnny: "No, he's in the shower." Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?" Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too." Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?" Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked ...

Why are millionaires sticky?

Because they're rolling in dough.

What do you call a loyalist in the 1760s who had black sticky stuff thrown on them for a second time?

Re-tarred

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