This morning I slipped on a gum ball and landed on my face pretty hard.

Actually it was a jaw breaker

My dentist has the inside of his whole building covered in posters of teeth, gums, toothbrushes etc.

God was i relieved to see that its not industry standard when I took my wife to the gynaecologist...

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I don't have sex with my co-workers at the chewing gum factory

cause that would be a sticky business

The Democratic Caucus has released a new gum flavor

Orange n’ Peach Mint

Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum

The ex-spearmint was a complete success

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

What did the guy at the restaurant say to the bubble gum he found stuck under the table?

I have a bad feeling about this, Chewy.

I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...

I just need a little help getting it off the ground.

Why did Logan Paul not give rice gum a hi five?

Because he likes to leave asians hanging

What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?

Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.

A Koala was sitting on a gum tree.

Smoking a joint, when a little lizard walked past looked up and said, hey koala what are you doing?

The koala replied, smoking a joint come up and have some.

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizar...

Why is gum similar to guns?

If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.

If you need gum, come see me.

I have some extra.

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A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet?

Chewing gum

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A couple was doing 69

A couple was doing a 69 when suddently, the man recalled he had an appointement to the dentist.


So after he apologises to his wife, he rushed to the washroom and brushed his teeth, to remove the smell of vagina from his breath.


In the car, he chewed mint gum and used spra...

Timmy, and his Grandma were walking through the park...

Out of nowhere, Timmy spots 5 dollars on the ground. He tried to pick it up, but his Grandma said : "Don't pick up dirty things from the ground! " Quite sad, Timmy and his Grandmother start walking again.

After a while, Timmy finds a lost toy. Timmy has wanted this toy for ages, so he tries t...

I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative...

Sure is hard to keep it lit.

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[NSFW] A joke translated from Mandarin

A Japanese man went to a famous Chinese restaurant in China, where he was served a platter of prawns. He asked the waiter, "In China, what do you do with the leftover prawn shells?" The waiter replied "Of course we throw them away." The Japanese man shook his head and said "No! In Japan, we send the...

What is a penguins favorite chewing gum?

Ice breakers, Hi my name (insert your name here)

A man is checking out at the grocery store.

He buys a dozen eggs, two boxes of pasta, waffles, a bag of onions, lunch meat, oatmeal, sparkling water and throws on a pack of gum at the register.
The woman behind him says "you must be single"
"Why yes I am! Did you figure this out by noticing all the stuff I bought?"
"Nope, it's becaus...

So I’m at the dentist yesterday...

So I’m at the dentist yesterday, the dentist has a needle deep in my gums. As he’s concentrating, he casually says, “how are fat chicks and bricks alike?” I was like “au-ha-oa-iea” (his hand still in my mouth) He goes “welp, sooner or later their gonna get laid by a Mexican.”

True story.

What is the prefered chewing gum of communists?

Ho Chi MINT

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Two men are fishing.

One asks the other how his recent marriage is going.

"Not so well. We haven't been able to consummate the marriage. The wife has gonorrhea."

"Wow, that's bad. I suppose there's always oral sex?"

"Nope. She has a serious gum infection - pyorrhea."

"Is she up for, ahem, an...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

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We weren't allowed gum in school, our teacher was a bit of a gum nazi

She wanted to eliminate all the chews

Why do trains like gum so much?

Because they chew-chew!

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

Why do all Fortnite players have healthy gums?

Because they floss regularly.

What is a train’s favourite food? Gum.

*chew* *chew*

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

A Scotsman just offered to give me a box of silverware and a case of Wrigley's

So I said "I can take your knives, but I'll never take your free gum"

My teacher said, "Are you chewing gum?"

I said, "Do I look like chewing gum to you?"

What is the best way to get gum out of your hair?

Cancer



I'm sorry

What is a scientist's favorite type of gum?

ex-spearmint!

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

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A brash American tourist got seated next to a Chinese man in a plane.

Mid flight, the Chinese man ordered for a marmalade sandwich. The American could not contain his curiosity so he struck up a conversation with his seatmate.

"You enjoyin' that sandwich, pal?" he asked

"Yes" politely answered the Chinese man after he took a bite and made a few chews....

What flavor gum does the President prefer?

Governmint

Ill walk myself to the nearest border

So I was going through my brothers search history, when I found 'Pieces of gum kissing'

I guess its pretty aspar-tame

I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

>!Gum!<

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Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

What kind of gum do bees chew?

BUMBLEGUM.

Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not.

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

Jeffrey Dahmer didn't like Tic Tacs or gum.

He preferred men toes.

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A little boy goes shopping with his mom and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and as his mom comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't ge...

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A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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WWII Army Major walks into the medical wing.

He approaches the first bunk

Major: Why are you here Soldier?

Soldier: Syphilis Sir!

Major: How are they treating it Soldier?

Soldier: 5 minutes a day with a wire brush Sir!

Major: What is your ambition Soldier?

Soldier: To get back to the front lines Sir!<...

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

Why did the gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chickens foot.

"I'd like to return this gum, it tastes awful"

"Um, sir, those are bandaids."

"I'd like to return these bandaids. I think someone ate some."

I walked up to a girl and said, "Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums."

"Erm...what?" she asked.

I said, "I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."

What flavor gum does a scientist prefer?

Exspearamint.

inspired by the presidential gum joke.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

What's a scientist's favorite gum flavor?

.......Ex-*spearmint*.

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French Bubble Gum !

An American guy is sitting at a diner minding his own business eating breakfast.

A French guy chewing gum sits down next to him & says "What are you eating there? American bread? In France we eat only the soft centers out of our fresh bread & send the crusts to America."

The ...

Earth went around the solar system asking the other planets for a stick of gum.

They all refused, but Earth still got one; Pluto shares its Orbit.

A lady asked me if I had any gum this morning

I replied "Sorry, I don't have any Extra"

I have an unopened pack of gum from 1993

You could even say it's in...

..mint condition

What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of bubble gum?

Bigly chew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 40-year-old dentist explains to his new girlfriend why he's remained a virgin.

"My dad said there were teeth in there!"

She strips off and says "Look. No teeth."

Shocked, he replies, "No wonder with those gums!"

My dentist took a look in my mouth and said, "Your gums look awful. I told you to floss religiously."

I do, I said, I floss on Christmas and Easter.

A student brings a slingshot to algebra class and fires gum at the professor

It was a weapon of math disruption.

I'm trying out a new idea for using gum that's lost its flavor.

Right now, it's just an ex-spearmint.

(Sorry)

An elementary school student gets gum stuck in his hair...

So the nurse takes him to the science teacher and say "Can you get the gum out of his hair?"

The science teacher responds "Of course, its just a matter of having the right solvent."

An hour later the nurse asks the science teacher "Have any luck?"

The science teacher responds "Y...

The Greenie

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb ...

I used to think it was no big deal that my gums bled whenever I flossed, but I talked to my dentist about it and she said that it can actually be a bad sign.

So now I never floss.

What type of gum does a Buddhist perfer?

Enlightenmint!


More Gum Jokes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came here to kick ass and chew gum...

And I've got new, longer-lasting Stride, so we'll be here for a while.

What do designers of gum call new flavors from old ingredients?

ex-spearmints

Did you hear about the witch who ate 10 packs of gum?

She had some double bubble toilet trouble.

Why does Bill Clinton chew gum all the time?

He has an oral fixation.

How does a train driver operate a train while eating gum?

He goes chew chew chew...


creds to my 5yo brother

What would you call a store that sold only mints and gum?

Bad Breath and Beyond.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son got sent home from school today for chewing gum in class.

I had to phone the teacher and explain to her that he's only trying to give up smoking.

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