UPJOKE
gum treechewmouthtoothgluemumblechewing gumeucalyptuschewingtreejawgutta-perchamasticatecandybubble gum

What do you call a train that carries gum

A chew-chew train

Guns are like gum...

Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you’ve been best friends since kindergarten.

A scientist tried to make gum out of eggs

It was an egg spearmint

What's the moon's favorite gum?

Orbit.

What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum?

Spheremint

What is an old person's favorite flavor of gum?

Retire-Mint


^Thank ^you, ^goodnight

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

why does Han Solo like gum so much?

Because it's chewy

I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...

I just need a little help getting it off the ground.

What flavor gum does the President prefer?

Governmint

Ill walk myself to the nearest border

[OC] In my day we used to use subliminal advertising to sell candy.

And, buy gum, it worked!

Three snails were drinking at a bar. One of the snails got up to buy chewing gum at the store. He asked his snail friends if they wanted some gum too. They said yes.

3 years passed. One of the snail friends said ”he still hasn’t returned, we might as well drink his beer”. Suddenly a voice from the door yelled, ”if you touch my beer, I won’t be buying you guys any chewing gum!”.

What do a gun and a pack of gum have in common?

When you pull them out in a classroom, everybody wants to be your friend.

When little Johnny was about 3 he got curious and stuck his hand in a mannequin’s pants.

His is mom said, “No little Johnny there is teeth in there that will bite off your hand.”

Years later he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out and she said, “Why don’t you ever stick your hand in my pants?”

Johnny said, “Oh my mom says there’ s teeth that will bite o...

n Indian is calmly having breakfast... An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him.

The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indian...

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A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum

The ex-spearmint was a complete success

What's the similarity between a pack of chewing gum and a gun?

When you pull it out in class, everyone wants to be friends

It had to be Australia

A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink.

On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat.

"Gidday, mate. What are you doing?"

The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and join...

This morning I slipped on a gum ball and landed on my face pretty hard.

Actually it was a jaw breaker

The Democratic Caucus has released a new gum flavor

Orange n’ Peach Mint

Why is gum similar to guns?

If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? (nsfw)

Gum!

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

What’s the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

When I was younger, I used to go to the store with a dollar, and come out with a pop, a bag of chips and a pack of gums...

Now, they have cameras.

A joke my husband made up...What kind of gum does Trump chew?

Double impeachmint. (Yes he is a Dad....)

Shopping nightmare

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, Now Monica, we just have half of th...

Did you hear about the outlaw who became a dentist?

He robbed his patients at gum-point.

My son was grabbing my nicotine gum...

When I stopped him.

“Son, you can’t have those.”

“But Dad, I see you chewing it all the time!”

“That’s because I used to smoke. If you want them you better start smoking first”

What kind of gum do bees chew?

BUMBLEGUM.

Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not.

What is a train’s favourite food? Gum.

*chew* *chew*

Why do all Fortnite players have healthy gums?

Because they floss regularly.

I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative...

It sure is hard to keep lit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't have sex with my co-workers at the chewing gum factory

cause that would be a sticky business

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says to spit our gum out, a train says choo choo choo.

What's hard before you use it, wet while you're using it and soft and flaccid after you are done using it?

Chewing gum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We weren't allowed gum in school, our teacher was a bit of a gum nazi

She wanted to eliminate all the chews

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

I walked up to a girl and said, "Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums."

"Erm...what?" she asked.

I said, "I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."

Why did Logan Paul not give rice gum a hi five?

Because he likes to leave asians hanging

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A kid goes to the shops with his mum...

A kid goes to the shops with his mum.  He has always wondered about the female anatomy,  so he peers under the skirt of a mannequin. But unfortunately,  his mum sees him doing it.  


Whack! She smacks him over the head.  


"What are you doing,  you dirty little boy? There's nothi...

What is a scientist's favorite type of gum?

ex-spearmint!

What is the prefered chewing gum of communists?

Ho Chi MINT

What flavor gum does a scientist prefer?

Exspearamint.

inspired by the presidential gum joke.

Imagine America's best dentists competing against each other in fixing dental problems

We'll call the show "Top Gum"

What's a scientist's favorite gum flavor?

.......Ex-*spearmint*.

Why did the gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chickens foot.

What did the guy at the restaurant say to the bubble gum he found stuck under the table?

I have a bad feeling about this, Chewy.

"I'd like to return this gum, it tastes awful"

"Um, sir, those are bandaids."

"I'd like to return these bandaids. I think someone ate some."

Jeffrey Dahmer didn't like Tic Tacs or gum.

He preferred men toes.

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An officer pulls over an elderly gentleman who's driving three ladies down the highway.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" asks the officer.

"No sir, I haven't the faintest idea!" replies the old gent.

"Well, you were going 75 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone," states the officer.

"But dad gum, the sign done said it was 75!" says the old gent, cocking an e...

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I came here to kick ass and chew gum...

And I've got new, longer-lasting Stride, so we'll be here for a while.

At the barbershop

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

\- "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

\- "Just place this between your chee...

What is a penguins favorite chewing gum?

Ice breakers, Hi my name (insert your name here)

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

French Bubble Gum !

An American guy is sitting at a diner minding his own business eating breakfast.

A French guy chewing gum sits down next to him & says "What are you eating there? American bread? In France we eat only the soft centers out of our fresh bread & send the crusts to America."

The ...

A student brings a slingshot to algebra class and fires gum at the professor

It was a weapon of math disruption.

I'm trying out a new idea for using gum that's lost its flavor.

Right now, it's just an ex-spearmint.

(Sorry)

My dentist took a look in my mouth and said, "Your gums look awful. I told you to floss religiously."

I do, I said, I floss on Christmas and Easter.

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

A blonde was flossing her teeth

when her gums started bleeding.


“Thank God, safe for another month!”

If RiceGum was an adhesive, what would he be?

Flex Tape.

What do designers of gum call new flavors from old ingredients?

ex-spearmints

An elementary school student gets gum stuck in his hair...

So the nurse takes him to the science teacher and say "Can you get the gum out of his hair?"

The science teacher responds "Of course, its just a matter of having the right solvent."

An hour later the nurse asks the science teacher "Have any luck?"

The science teacher responds "Y...

What type of gum does a Buddhist perfer?

Enlightenmint!


More Gum Jokes!

Did you hear about the witch who ate 10 packs of gum?

She had some double bubble toilet trouble.

I have an unopened pack of gum from 1993

You could even say it's in...

..mint condition

How does a train driver operate a train while eating gum?

He goes chew chew chew...


creds to my 5yo brother

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