What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?

Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.

A Koala was sitting on a gum tree.

Smoking a joint, when a little lizard walked past looked up and said, hey koala what are you doing?

The koala replied, smoking a joint come up and have some.

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizar...

If you need gum, come see me.

I have some extra.

I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...

I just need a little help getting it off the ground.

The Democratic Caucus has released a new gum flavor

Orange n’ Peach Mint

Why did Logan Paul not give rice gum a hi five?

Because he likes to leave asians hanging

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We weren't allowed gum in school, our teacher was a bit of a gum nazi

She wanted to eliminate all the chews

I spent a quarter on a gum ball machine.

I am really surprised how cheap the machine was!

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Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

What is the prefered chewing gum of communists?

Ho Chi MINT

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

Gum!

Why do all Fortnite players have healthy gums?

Because they floss regularly.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

Why do trains like gum so much?

Because they chew-chew!

A band’s drummer dies suddenly

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out. It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease...

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Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."

What is a train’s favourite food? Gum.

*chew* *chew*

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

The Greenie

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb ...

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A women walks into a grocery shop

She then proceeds to buy :
ONE egg,
ONE muffin,
ONE ficello,
ONE piece of gum,
ONE toast,
etc,etc...

She then come at the front to pay. The cashier says :
- Woah, are you single ?
- Actually, yes ! But why you’re asking ?
- Because you’re fucking ugly

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

What flavor gum does the President prefer?

Governmint

Ill walk myself to the nearest border

So apparently the new fashion trend of the day is to stick chewed gum in your hair

It's a unique look but it's hard to pull off.

My teacher said, "Are you chewing gum?"

I said, "Do I look like chewing gum to you?"

Jeffrey Dahmer didn't like Tic Tacs or gum.

He preferred men toes.

What is a scientist's favorite type of gum?

ex-spearmint!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A COUNTRY boy was sitting by himself in the corner of a pub when a middle-aged woman wearing heaps of make-up sat next to him.

“You’re cute,” purred the woman.

“Do you want to go back to my place for a nasty fuck?”

“You bet!” exclaimed the lad.

“But I have to tell you straight up that I’m a virgin.I’ve always been scared of having sex because my mum told me that women have sharp teeth between their legs...

What kind of gum do bees chew?

BUMBLEGUM.

Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not.

What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ?

Cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

"I'd like to return this gum, it tastes awful"

"Um, sir, those are bandaids."

"I'd like to return these bandaids. I think someone ate some."

I walked up to a girl and said, "Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums."

"Erm...what?" she asked.

I said, "I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."

What flavor gum does a scientist prefer?

Exspearamint.

inspired by the presidential gum joke.

What's a scientist's favorite gum flavor?

.......Ex-*spearmint*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

French Bubble Gum !

An American guy is sitting at a diner minding his own business eating breakfast.

A French guy chewing gum sits down next to him & says "What are you eating there? American bread? In France we eat only the soft centers out of our fresh bread & send the crusts to America."

The ...

Why did the gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chickens foot.

I have an unopened pack of gum from 1993

You could even say it's in...

..mint condition

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Earth went around the solar system asking the other planets for a stick of gum.

They all refused, but Earth still got one; Pluto shares its Orbit.

What's Donald Trump's favorite kind of bubble gum?

Bigly chew.

This Gum Tastes Like Rubber

Condom-vending Machines are provided in some restrooms. When it comes to wall-scrawl, these dispensers take as much abuse as the wall above the urinals and the wisdom written in the stalls. Here are samples of what was scratched into the paint of various dispensers in the USA:

'This gum taste...

My dentist took a look in my mouth and said, "Your gums look awful. I told you to floss religiously."

I do, I said, I floss on Christmas and Easter.

An elementary school student gets gum stuck in his hair...

So the nurse takes him to the science teacher and say "Can you get the gum out of his hair?"

The science teacher responds "Of course, its just a matter of having the right solvent."

An hour later the nurse asks the science teacher "Have any luck?"

The science teacher responds "Y...

I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

A student brings a slingshot to algebra class and fires gum at the professor

It was a weapon of math disruption.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

I'm trying out a new idea for using gum that's lost its flavor.

Right now, it's just an ex-spearmint.

(Sorry)

This guy walks into a barber shop

This guy walks into a barber shop and says to the barber that he never got a good shave on his cheeks.

\- No problem, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from the drawer. Put this ball in your mouth and hold it between your gums and your cheek.

The guy conforms and he gets the f...

What type of gum does a Buddhist perfer?

Enlightenmint!


More Gum Jokes!

What do designers of gum call new flavors from old ingredients?

ex-spearmints

What’s the difference in a teacher and a train

Teachers say “Spit your gum out.”

While trains say “CHEW CHEW CHEW!”

How to get gum out of a child's hair?

With leukemia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came here to kick ass and chew gum...

And I've got new, longer-lasting Stride, so we'll be here for a while.

Four brothers moved to America, planning to learn English through immersion.

The first brother decided to learn by listening to the radio. He started on a classical/opera station and learned to sing, "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” The second brother jumped right in by getting a job at a restarunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The third brother, following t...

Did you hear about the witch who ate 10 packs of gum?

She had some double bubble toilet trouble.

How does a train driver operate a train while eating gum?

He goes chew chew chew...


creds to my 5yo brother

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

My wife went away for the weekend

So I did what any handsome stud would do. I went to the pub/bar. I proceeded to go from barstool to barstool trying to get lucky. But, you know what? I didn’t find any gum underneath any of them.

What would you call a store that sold only mints and gum?

Bad Breath and Beyond.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son got sent home from school today for chewing gum in class.

I had to phone the teacher and explain to her that he's only trying to give up smoking.

What is the common ground between an Ak-47 and bubblegum?

When you pull it out in class everybody wants to be your friend.

At the Glasgow Sheriff's Court, the Sheriff is becoming annoyed at the conduct of a scruffy youth in the spectators' gallery

who is leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and noisily chewing gum with his mouth half open. Eventually the Sheriff can bear it no more and signals for the bailiff, and says to him "Would ye tell yon young man to stop masticatin' in ma coort?". Whereupon the bailiff trots up to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife doing 69 and when they finish up he realises he still has to go to the dentist.

He then dashes to the bathroom to go and brush his teeth, constantly smelling his breath to make sure his breath doesn’t smell like his wife’s pussy. He eats some chewing gum and even takes mints with him. He arrives at the dentist and eats some more mints just to make sure.

He’s finally call...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy has a speech impediment

And decides to go to the grocery store to buy some gum. He walks in, and says "Hello, I would like to buy some bum please." The grocer asks him to repeat what he is looking for. The boy does, and the grocer realises that the boy is looking for gum, and send him down the correct aisle.

The boy...

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

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