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Get Married Jokes

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter show...

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

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A couple from Alabama get married.

They go off to Las Vegas for their honeymoon. They get settled in their room for their first night together. As he's getting ready to take off his robe, she says "Be gentle. It's my first time". He gets outraged, packs his stuff, and leaves.

His dad lets him cool off for a bit. After a week, ...

Two IT workers get married...

At Thanksgiving, their family asks them, "When are you going to have children?"

Couple: "Don't worry, we are working on it. ;)"

Next Thanksgiving, the couple still don't have children and their family asks, "Is there a problem? I thought you were planning to have children?"

Coup...

Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.

100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

A couple was going to get married…

but unfortunately they had a car crash and died. Before the gates of St Peter they stood thinking maybe they could get married in heaven. So they ask St Peter, and Peter says ”Well it’s quite rare, but let me see what I can do.” So St Peter goes into heaven. As the couple sits for a couple of months...

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to...

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A young recently immigranted Italian couple Maria and Luigi fall in love and get married.

They're sort of poor and spend the honeymoon night at her mama and papa's house.
Maria's a nervous virgin and Mama's busy cooking spaghetti and has to try to calm Maria down and talk her into going upstairs to her husband. She finally does, and Luigi is sitting on the bed and gives her a long pas...

For those of you who are about to get married, here’s something to consider:

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand,….you don’t.

A man and woman die on their way to get married.

They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.

When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven.
"That's a good question. Wait here and I will ...

Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married.

Or settle down with a couple of kids.

Teacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?

Of course. Why should that day be an exception?

Its untrue that most women want to get married.

I've asked loads and they've all said no.

Why don't archeologists get married?

They are only interested in dating.

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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 
One month later the three coup...

My girlfriend just told me, “If we don’t get married soon, I’m going to kill you!”

I said, “I guess..it’s a matter of wife or death.”

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A young naive couple get married NSFW

After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.

‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.

His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses....

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Two oldsters in a retirement home decide to get married.

But before they can do so, a doctor gives each one a physical to make sure that consummating the marriage would not be too dangerous for them.

He examines the man first, all is OK.

Then he examines the woman. He comes out with a rather somber look on his face and says to the man: «...

I wanna get married!

So a four year old says to his dad, "I want to get married dad". His dad, obviously a little bemused, chuckles and asks his son, "who do you want to marry?" His son responds, "to grandma." His dad chuckles a little and responds, "that's a little tricky. Why do you want to marry Grandma?" The son rep...

Why did the melon get married in the church?

Because it cantaloupe

Two antenna meet on a rooftop and get married.

The wedding was nothing special, but the reception was great!!

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess whi...

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.

So I said "Sure"

She asked "When?"

"When I meet the right person"

A man and a woman get married

After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.

As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.

The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, peo...

You know Darth Vader actually did get married.

Even though he’s kind of a downer she’s much more uplifting… her name is Ella

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A man and a woman get married in Arkansas

They have a big wedding with both their family's in attendance. They say their vows and ride off in a car on their way to their honeymoon. They get on a plane and fly to Cancun, booking a hotel for their stay. They prepare to spend the night consummating their love for one another, but then the woma...

3 Texans get married

First one marries a girl from Alabama, he tells here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes and clean house also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. On the first day nothing but a couple of days later he came home to a clean house and a meal on the table.

The second one marr...

Why can't melons get married?

They cantaloupe ^sorry ^I'll ^leave

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Prince charming wants to get married.

Prince charming want to get married, finds Snow White and asks:

Will you marry me?

"Of course, Majesty."

Prince charming shows his penis and asks:

Do you know what this is?

"Your beautiful penis, Prince.

I'm leaving. I want an innocent woman.

The Prin...

An 80 yo man is about to get married

His fianceè is only 20 yo and she is gorgeous. A couple of days before weeding, one of his friends gave him a warning:

- You are crazy! She is very young, she will cheat on you right after you get married! Why don't you marry a lady about your age?

He replied:

- I prefer to sha...

If you get married in Mississippi and get divorced in Minnesota ...

... are you still brother and sister?

Will you get married?

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even a...

What's it called when two communists begrudgingly get married?

The So be it Union

Why did the hand and the mitten get married?

Because it was glove at first sight.

A man asks his fiancee to get married...

She happily accepts his proposal, but he sets out a clear condition if they're to marry.

"I have a closet at the end of the hall, and I keep it locked. That is my personal space and I don't want anyone, including my wife, to ever enter. Can you agree to that?"

She thinks his request a ...

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A man asks his wife why did she get married to him

"Because you're very funny."

"I thought it was because I'm good in bed."

"You see? You're hilarious!"

A sister decided to troll her younger brother by asking him when he's gonna get married

Sister : Do you ever wanna get married ?

Brother : No!

Sister : But why ?

Brother : Cuz you're my sister!

One group of people still can't get married in the US

Ugly people

Why did the couple get married in Bangkok?

Because they wanted to Thai the knot.

If a wedding goes off without a hitch, did anyone get married?

It's my cake day!

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

If two Vietnamese get married,

It’s usually a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elderly couple getting married

An elderly couple had been going out for some time and decided to get married.

Prior to the big day, the woman asks the gent "What about sex?"

He quickly responds, "Infrequently."

She ponders and then asks, "Is that one word or two?"

Jacob, age 92, and Beth, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"...
The pharmacist answers "Yes".


Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
...

Don’t ever get married.

Just find someone you hate and buy them a house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two virgins get married.

On their honeymoon the groom calls her mother and asks what they should do now.

The mother tells her son that the husband is supposed to stick the biggest thing he has where the wife pees.

To say the least, the wife was confused when she found her husband with his leg in the toilet.

Him: honey, dew you want to run away and get married?

Me: what? no, we cantaloupe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young girl was about to get married.

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl a...

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

What day did the Loch Ness Monster get married?

Wednesday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Jew wants to get married...

...but he has a major dilemma, so he goes to see a wise rabbi.

'Rabbi! I'd like to get married, but tell me: what should I do? Should I marry a super hot girl who'll cheat on me every other month or an ugly one who I know will only be mine?'

To which the rabbi replies:

'Well, so...

My fiancée wants us to skip town and get married, but I think we should harvest our melon crop first

Honeydew you even know watermelon farm entails? We cantaloupe now.

Why do penguins never get married?

They always get cold feet

Why can’t physicists get married?

Any romantic matter is relative.

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Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course ...

Son: "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"

Dad: "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

A Religious Woman Get Married at 17

She's married to her husband for 17 years, has 13 children with him.

He passes away, she marries again. This time, she and her husband are married for 23 years, and have 11 kids before he passes to the other side.

One year later she gets called to Heaven.

At her funeral, the Pri...

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A celebate man was about to get married...

He had been "saving himself" for marriage, and had never watched pornography or had any remotely sexual encounters. He was incredibly nervous about being able to perform on his wedding night, and went to his best man to talk about it.

His best man tried to give him a pep talk, but ultimately...

Why do women get married in white?

To match the kitchen appliances.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll either get married or hang myself.

Fuck it. I'll tie the knot.

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As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army

The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russ...

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Two Japanese people get married.

They have a baby boy.

A few years later the wife and child both get the same illness. So the husband takes his wife and child to the hospital.

He asks the doctor: “What’s wrong with Mii?”

The doctor replies: “The same thing that is wrong with Yew.”

A man and a woman get married and are on their honeymoon.

The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe and the man says "Take off your robe - we're married now!"

“Okay,” she says seductively while taking off her robe.

“Can I take a picture of you?”

“Why?”

"So I can carry you with me.”

A few hours later the man comes ou...

Where did the pizza and tennis racquet get married?

At the supreme court

My girlfriend said that once we get married I can stop wearing condoms!!

Guess you don’t need an umbrella if it’s never gonna rain...

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