When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

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When I was younger, I used to shave my privates with a cut throat razor.

I don’t have the balls to do it anymore

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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady...

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, ...

A girl was cleaning the toilet with her younger brother.

Then their mom walked in and yelled, "Get his head out of there!"

When I was younger,

when I was younger, a lot younger, I used to think that vasectomies and circumcisions were the same thing. Now I know there's a vas deferens

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother…

the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

When I was younger, I thought rich people bought Bose products and the rest of has had to buy Sony.

Turns out that was just a stereotype.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left ha...

“Hey, remember how we used to finish each other’s sentences when we were younger?”

“Well I’m in prison now and I really need a favour”

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I'm writing a novel about a guy who grows younger every time he ejaculates.

It's a coming of age story.

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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

I Introduced my 20 years younger gf to my family and everyone hated her...

Maybe my wifes birthdayparty was not the right time afterall

Remember when you blew bubbles when you were younger

Well… he’s looking for you

An older woman who dates younger men is called a cougar. What do you call an older man who dates younger women?

Rich.

Matthew McConaughey has a younger brother who works as a court clerk.

Everybody knows him for his signature phrase:‘All rise, all rise, all rise’.

An old man walks into a jewelry with a much younger gal

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring ov...

Did you know Bruce Lee had a faster younger brother?

Did you know Bruce Lee had a faster younger brother?

Sudden Lee.

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"

The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."

The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"

The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."

What spice should you always keep at the liquor store to make older women feel younger?

Cardamom

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

When I was younger, I used to go to the store with a dollar, and come out with a pop, a bag of chips and a pack of gums...

Now, they have cameras.

In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in.

Nowadays, Depend's

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

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With Age Comes Wisdom

Two bulls, a father and son, are standing on top of a hill, looking down at the herd or cattle below. The younger bull turns to his father and says "Hey Pops, we should run down this hill and fuck some of those cows!"

The older bull shakes his head. "No, son," he says, "we should *walk* dow...

We're in Trouble

### We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work

...

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Three guys are walking through the woods...

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie (of course). It booms "You have freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars....

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This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

Old Lady Doris answered in her housecoat.

"Hi Doris,...

What did the Older Telephone said to the Younger Telephone?

You're too young to be engaged

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An older man with a younger wife, visits his therapist.

"Doc," he says, "It seems that no matter what I do, I can't seem to give my wife real satisfaction when we make love."


"Well," the therapist says, "She is entitled to satisfaction just as you are. So try this: Hire a strapping young man and the next time you and your wife make love, hav...

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A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city

Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.

While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.

After thinking it over, he replies: "Well why the hell not. I haven't tried much in m...

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

Our two granddaughters promised us to let their younger cousin Jimmy (a little boy) to be included in their play.

After a while I found the 2 girls playing house in their room but Jimmy was nowhere in sight. Glancing outside I found Jimmy sitting alone on the front step.

"I thought you were playing house with your cousins.

He answered, "I am. I'm the dog and the dog isn't allowed in the house!"

A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But u...

When I was younger I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma!

Unfortunately, no one at the funeral was impressed

My parents refuse to let my younger siblings to get shots

What's so wrong with underage drinking anyways

When I was younger, I promised myself that I wouldn’t become one of those people who starves for attention and tries to get everyone to look at them but

Look at me now!

Why do they call it euthanasia?

It’s not like you’re getting any younger

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

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Two brothers are fighting…

… in front of their mother and it starts to turn violent. The mother tries to intervene and stop the fight. The younger brother who is taking the brunt of the hits gets frustrated that he couldn’t get as many punches his brother landed says, “Step aside bitch”. The elder brother hearing this gets an...

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...

Two professors of Entire Economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you $10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. Suddenly he sees another dead rat on the road and dare...

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A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

“Young man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!”

The boy...

My GF asked me if I could ever love another girl. I told her actually I would, and she looks just like her but younger... She smiled and said "Will she call me mommy??"

"Well, I don't know Kate, does your sister call you Mommy?"

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

When I was younger, I thought I was clever by coming up with a joke: What is a British person's favourite cereal?

Cheerios!

I told this to joke to a British person.

They were a little tea'd off.

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When I was a younger lad I was blessed with an 8 1/2" penis

Unfortunately it belonged to father O'Malley

A Soviet era joke about the value of hard work - Drink vodka, play cards

*This joke was told to me by a former colleague who was Russian, and had lived and worked under the Soviet system. He was a nuclear engineer there... and the only member of his team not sent to Chernobyl to help in the clean up. Anyway, like our hero of this story, I was fresh faced and a little hig...

Last night I went to bed wishing I looked younger, well this morning I woke up with my wish granted.

I had a couple of zits on my forehead!

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3 generations of prostitutes

3 generations of prostitutes are standing on a corner talking. The younger one says “You know guys out here are only paying $20 for blow jobs?”

The middle age one says “$20? Let me tell you when I started doing this guys only paid $5”

The prostitute in her 80’s perks up and says “You t...

When I was younger I couldn’t afford a house.

But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can’t. But my boss has five.

When I was younger, I had a horrible condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.

I'm lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

I got yelled at this morning by my mother for tickling my younger brother's foot...

Something about at least waiting till he's born.

When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.

Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

[NSFW] A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.

She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front o...

When I was younger I asked my mom if I was adopted

She said "not yet"

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Late one night, a cop shines his spotlight on a car parked in a church parking lot. He sees an older man in the backseat with a younger woman.

"Okay," the cop says to the man. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Get out of the car. Now!"

The older man protests, telling the cop, "But officer! I'm Pastor Fluff!"

"I don't give a shit if you're already up her ass, get the fuck out of the car."

When I was younger I hated going to weddings

it seemed that all my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in he ribs and say, "You're next". They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

Two Brothers and the Priest

Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.


They called on the priest. He was known to have success in dealing with problematic behavior. ...

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

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Mild (NSFW) When I was younger I had a fairy godmother who granted me one wish.

She said I can either have a long penis or a long memory...


I forget my respnse

My blind date showed up late, and then said 'I thought you'd be younger.'

I said 'I was.'

I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:

"Back in my day, it was Monday".

Retired General meets a younger woman at a party...

and after getting a little flirty, the woman asks him the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, surprised, said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the ...

Little conversation between me and my younger brother.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Him: I don't know

Me: To get to the idiot's house.

Me: Knock knock.

Him: Who's there?

Me: The chicken. \*runs away\*

Him: \*silence\*

Him: Oh, he must be here for my brother. Let me go fetch him.

When I was younger my dad taught me the easiest way to catch a bear.

First you need to dig a hole about 6 feet wide and 12 feet deep. Then you put a thin layer of ash from a campfire just enough to cover the bottom of the hole. The next step is to place a ring of peas all around the edge of the hole. Then when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hol...

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

Barely anyone knows about Napoleon's younger brother

They were Bonaparte

When I was younger, I felt like I was trapped in a women's body...

Then I was born.

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

I used to dress up as a nun when I was younger, but gave it up.

It was a hard habit to break.

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My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

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When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I'm older, I don't like to place those kinds of limitations

When I was younger I found out my mom was into S&M...

When I got into trouble I had to spank her.

An old woman asks her younger neighbor :

"Could you go sunbathing to the garden without your bra again please?"

The neighbor asks :

"And why should I do that?"

Old woman answers :

"Oh, nothing great, I just need my husband to mow the lawn."

I did the classic "I have a body in my freezer" joke to my younger brother.

I don't know what he thought of it, but he did seem rather cold.

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Will you ever love another girl?

A girl asks her boyfriend, "do you promise to always love me and never another girl?"

The guy responds, "sorry, but I can't do that."

Girl: "W-what? So you're thinking about someone else! Who this fuck is this other woman?!"

Guy: "She looks exactly like you, but younger"

...

When I was younger, I used to hate eating mushrooms, but now I think they’re growing on me...

...and I can’t get them off

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An old guy is not able to get his younger wife to cum

- removed -

You know, I thought about joining the Navy SEALs when I was younger.

Then I heard people were clubbing new ones and I wimped out.

When I was younger, I used to want to play the piano so badly

Turns out I’m a natural

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

Why do the older ants go up the side of the mountain and the younger ants go down the side of the mountain?

Because they're descendants!

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

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Once when I was younger, my sister walked in on me while I was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

A couple of days later, I walked in on her while she was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

I wish I had prepared for Alzheimer's when I was a younger man.

If I only know now what I knew then...

My parents raised me as an only child,

Which really annoyed my younger brother!

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When I was younger I didn’t like my penis

But then it grew on me

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

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Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

When I was younger, I had a tough time concentrating in school

My parents told me that if I didn't improve, they would have to send me to Concentration Camp

Ever hear of Van Morrison's less talented younger brother?

Mini-Van Morrison

When I was younger I’d always get upset when my dad told me to eat veggies, but now I miss veggies

He’s was the nicest dog ever.

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

His friends advised him : Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger p...

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

When I was younger, my mother always used to tuck me in.

I think she secretly wanted a girl

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A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."

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An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them ...

True story, my younger son called my older son "stupid"...

wife: "We don't call people the 's-word' in this house!"

me: "Yes. Don't call people 'stupid'. That's r€tarded."

wife: \*stink eye\*

son: \*helpless giggles despite determination not to laugh at anything Dad says\*

A man goes to his younger brother’s wedding.

While at the wedding, he feels a little sad because he hasn’t had his own wedding yet, but his younger brother is already getting married.

At the wedding, he meets an old man who has a reputation of being pretty mean. When the old man sees the guy, he smirks and says,”When’s your turn?” The o...

Two Piglets

In a small village, two children are given two piglets by their parents.

The younger brother asks the other, "How will we tell them apart?"

"Well how about we cut the tail off my piglet, that way the one with the tail is yours and the one without a tail is mine." answered the older bro...

When I was younger everyone called me weird because I didn't have a gag reflex.

Now they just call me

What do you get when you cross a gladiatorial-style tournament with children?

The Younger Games

If sperm is good for your skin and makes you look younger?

Then how come my hands both look the same age

An old man marries a younger woman and they decide to have a child.

After months of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, the man goes to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor hands him a sample cup and tells him, “Take this home, fill it up, and bring it back in tomorrow.”

The next day, the man walks in with the sample cup still empty and hands it ...

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Old guy at a bar

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leav...

A new officer is being shown around his office when a younger soldier comes in.

Wanting to show off he picks up the phone and says”of course sir I will take it to the president at once”

The soldier is seemingly impressed so the officer continues.

“ wait the president wants to congratulate me, it is true I did save those soldiers back in war”

He continues th...

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Sex like you are 50 years younger!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a s...

Being seduced by the younger sister

So apparently this guy was engaged to a beautiful woman. He got along well with her family but he could not deny that her younger sister was drop-dead gorgeous and he felt a strong attraction to her. A week before the wedding, he gets a mysterious phone call from the sister asking him to come over...

When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity.

I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.

......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

When I was younger I thought wearing glasses meant you were smarter than everyone else...

...now I realize those are the people who would get killed in the wild.

When I was younger I wanted to be a film developer

But then I realized I didn't want to sit in a dark room alone with a bunch of negative people

Old men on porch

Two old men are setting on a porch, shooting the breeze. In the corner, there is a n old mangy dog licking himself. The younger of the two looks at his friend, “Man, I wish I could do that!” His friend looks at him, shaking his head, “ That dog will bite yoouuu!!!”

When I was younger, I was obsessed with the difference between a sine and a cosine.

As I got older, I realized it was just a phase.

A wealthy elderly man is on his honeymoon with his much younger bride

As they're about to consummate the marriage, he starts putting on a condom.

"Oh don't be silly" she remarks, "We shouldn't need to use one of those at your age."



"Oh no, it's not for protection" he says, "I just like the smell of burning rubber."

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When I was younger I really enjoyed looking at women’s rears

Not much has changed except now I’m a grown ass-man

A bird broke his younger brother’s wing

He was grounded

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

I just told my younger brother a bad joke about gravity.

He is still falling for it.

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger...

It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

When I was younger I wanted to become a pirate!

Now I am a photographer, because every pirate has to own a Canon.

My girlfriend in not talking to me anymore as she believes that I slept with her younger sister

But I swear I never slept that night

My friend was bragging in a bar about having an orgy at school when he was younger.

It would have been pretty cool, but we knew he was homeschooled.

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