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Younger Jokes

An old man walks into a jewelry with a much younger gal

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring ov...

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

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I wrote a novel about an old man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?

In the bookstore, under "fiction".

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When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I'm older, I don't like to place those kinds of limitations

Retired General meets a younger woman at a party...

and after getting a little flirty, the woman asks him the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, surprised, said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the ...

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

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The younger son of a Danish farmer,

Couldn't inherit his parents farm, because his older brother got the farm.

So he moved to Texas to start his own farm there.

After working on the farm and expanding it for fifty years, he finally finds the time to visit his family back in Denmark.

And he can't stop bragging a...

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A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."

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When I was a younger lad I was blessed with an 8 1/2" penis

Unfortunately it belonged to father O'Malley

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An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them ...

When I was younger...

I used to be in a bar band called Terabytes.


We had thousands of gigs.

I always wanted children when I was younger.

I could never entice them into the back of my van.

What's the name of Obi Wan Kenobi's younger brother?

Obi Two Kenobi.

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Jamaican guy gets invited to an emotion themed fancy dress party (terrible joke I liked when I was younger)

People start arriving before him, first is Sally who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in blue, with tear drops inked on her face. "Ah Sally nice costume, you are clearly sadness, come on in and get yourself a drink."

Next up is Andy, who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in red, wi...

When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.

Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

When I was younger,I used to love making sandcastles with my grandmother

Until my mom started hiding the urn

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An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman.

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following suggestion: ...

When I was younger I struggled with a serious drug problem

These days I have a much more reliable dealer.

I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”

He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”

Some people had a pet rock when they were younger...

All I got was kidney stones!

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Sex like you are 50 years younger!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a s...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was...

When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

When I was younger I had a job baiting fish hooks down the docks.

I started off as an apprentice but by the time I left I was a Master baiter.

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said,

”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now".

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people ...

Did you know that Albert Einstein had a younger brother...

Yeah yeah he's called Frank and people say he's a real monster! It's really easy to make him laugh though, everyone has him in stitches

A tip for younger married men

If your wife walks into the room and asks what you think of the dress she just bought, DO NOT ask her if it’s for Halloween.

I am in the doghouse…

Why was the violinist’s younger brother envious of him?

Because he was always second fiddle

My cute younger brother's contribution.

Brother: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Don't know, why?
Brother: To go to the ugly guy's house.
Me: Huh??
Brother: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Brother: The chicken.

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

I used to collect stamps when I was younger

But then one day I realized, philately will get you nowhere.

When I was younger,

when I was younger, a lot younger, I used to think that vasectomies and circumcisions were the same thing. Now I know there's a vas deferens

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When I was younger, I used to shave my privates with a cut throat razor.

I don’t have the balls to do it anymore

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

I told the women at work that botox doesn't make anyone look younger.

Nobody looked surprised.

Being seduced by the younger sister

So apparently this guy was engaged to a beautiful woman. He got along well with her family but he could not deny that her younger sister was drop-dead gorgeous and he felt a strong attraction to her. A week before the wedding, he gets a mysterious phone call from the sister asking him to come over...

I knew my grandmother loved animals when she was younger.

She told me the story of how happy she was to have found a vet to date (Before she met my granddad of course. ) and even though he said he was from a foreign country, he looked like he was from here.

Anyway, after a few dates, she discovered, much to her disappointment, that he didn’t know an...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

Two mischievous boys, aged 8 and 10, are known for causing all sorts of trouble in their town. Their mother, hoping to discipline them, asks a preacher to speak to them. The preacher agrees, but he asks to see the boys individually.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sits the younger boy down and asks sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth drops open, he doesn’t respond but sits there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeats the question in an even sterner tone, "Where...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:

"Back in my day, it was Monday".

A sister decided to troll her younger brother by asking him when he's gonna get married

Sister : Do you ever wanna get married ?

Brother : No!

Sister : But why ?

Brother : Cuz you're my sister!

Did you know Bruce Lee had a faster younger brother?

Did you know Bruce Lee had a faster younger brother?

Sudden Lee.

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.


I've heard he's Norm Al.

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

“Hey, remember how we used to finish each other’s sentences when we were younger?”

“Well I’m in prison now and I really need a favour”

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother…

the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

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A man is about to marry a woman with a beautiful younger sister

A week before the wedding the younger sister invites him over, under the guise of discussing something for the wedding.

Once he arrives, she proposes that they should have sex as he’s still a free man and she knows he finds her more attractive than her sister that he is to wed.

The man...

Barely anyone knows about Napoleon's younger brother

They were Bonaparte

When I was younger I asked my mom if I was adopted

She said "not yet"

What did the Older Telephone said to the Younger Telephone?

You're too young to be engaged

Mrs. Johnson was having her second set of twins: a boy and a girl.

Once again, she fell into a coma before delivery, so it fell to her younger brother to name the newborns. Traditionally, that job would fall to the eldest, but he had lost that privilege after naming her first set of twins Denise and Denephew. When she finally came to, she saw her brother standing b...

My blind date showed up late, and then said 'I thought you'd be younger.'

I said 'I was.'

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Two nuns are driving through Transylvania one night...

...when suddenly a vampire jumps onto the front of the car and starts screeching at them.

The head nun swerves back and forth, trying to shake off the vampire, but he is too strong.

Looking at the crucifix around her partner's neck, the head nun has an idea. She says to the other nun, ...

An old woman asks her younger neighbor :

"Could you go sunbathing to the garden without your bra again please?"

The neighbor asks :

"And why should I do that?"

Old woman answers :

"Oh, nothing great, I just need my husband to mow the lawn."

When I was younger I couldn’t afford a house.

But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can’t. But my boss has five.

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An older man with a younger wife, visits his therapist.

"Doc," he says, "It seems that no matter what I do, I can't seem to give my wife real satisfaction when we make love."


"Well," the therapist says, "She is entitled to satisfaction just as you are. So try this: Hire a strapping young man and the next time you and your wife make love, hav...

When I was younger I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma!

Unfortunately, no one at the funeral was impressed

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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

When I was younger I hated going to weddings

it seemed that all my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in he ribs and say, "You're next". They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

When my sister was younger

She had a tooth come out, I managed to get to the tooth before our mom or dad got to it, and along with a quarter I left a note that said,


"Dear *****, I left a quarter for your tooth this time, but next time I'm bringing the pliers. HAHAHAHAHA!!!".


The screams I heard the ne...

My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger.

Some say he’s the most evil scientist who ever lived.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

[NSFW] A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.

She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front o...

I wondered what my parents did to pass time when they were younger.

I asked my 19 brothers and sisters but they didn't know either.

George Bush the Younger noticed a man in a long flowing white robe in an airport lobby

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George bush the Younger approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored him and stared at the ceiling. Bush the younger positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Mos...

If a cougar is a woman who likes younger boys... then a man who likes younger boys must be a

Nittany lion!

I used to race snails when I was younger...

... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish.

My parents refuse to let my younger siblings to get shots

What's so wrong with underage drinking anyways

I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come..

I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

I Introduced my 20 years younger gf to my family and everyone hated her...

Maybe my wifes birthdayparty was not the right time afterall

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved in drugs.

......an Audi Q7 & his own house by the age of 20.

When I was younger, I thought rich people bought Bose products and the rest of has had to buy Sony.

Turns out that was just a stereotype.

When I was younger, my mother always used to tuck me in.

I think she secretly wanted a girl

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My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

Classic Winston Churchill wit....

These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."


Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clem...

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

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What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt?

Her belly button.

When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity.

I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat

Ever hear of Van Morrison's less talented younger brother?

Mini-Van Morrison

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

A man goes to his younger brother’s wedding.

While at the wedding, he feels a little sad because he hasn’t had his own wedding yet, but his younger brother is already getting married.

At the wedding, he meets an old man who has a reputation of being pretty mean. When the old man sees the guy, he smirks and says,”When’s your turn?” The o...

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Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

A bird broke his younger brother’s wing

He was grounded

A new officer is being shown around his office when a younger soldier comes in.

Wanting to show off he picks up the phone and says”of course sir I will take it to the president at once”

The soldier is seemingly impressed so the officer continues.

“ wait the president wants to congratulate me, it is true I did save those soldiers back in war”

He continues th...

When I Was Younger...

I was made to walk the plank




My family couldn't afford a dog.

What spice should you always keep at the liquor store to make older women feel younger?

Cardamom

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

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I was at my GF's house hanging with her and her smoking hot younger sister

My girlfriend leaves the room leaving me alone with her sister. She's been gone for a while when her sister climbs up on top of me and says "we should have sex right this second, any way you want it, before my sister gets back". I immediately throw her off and start walking out. My girlfriend is ...

Painfully bad joke my younger brother told me.

What do you call an expert on marine life? An aFISHionado.

There is a scar on my dad's foot from when he was younger and stood on a hoe

And then she stabbed him in the foot.

A joke my son told me when he was younger...

Son: knock knock

Dad: Who's there?

Son: Ah

Dad: Ah who?

Son: Bless You!

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When I was younger...

I was with this girl, I think she was nine... But we went up into my tree house to play. One thing led to another and out of curiosity, we showed each other our private parts. But yeah, that was probably the best 21st birthday a man could ever ask for.

When I was younger I was molested by a mime...

He did unspeakable things to me.

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

Remember when you were younger and you'd blow Bubbles?

I talked to him at the circus and he said to call him.

When I was younger I tried breeding rabbits...

it was a hare-raising experience.

An old man marries a younger woman and they decide to have a child.

After months of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, the man goes to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor hands him a sample cup and tells him, “Take this home, fill it up, and bring it back in tomorrow.”

The next day, the man walks in with the sample cup still empty and hands it ...

When I was younger, I had a tough time concentrating in school

My parents told me that if I didn't improve, they would have to send me to Concentration Camp

When I was younger I wanted to become a pirate!

Now I am a photographer, because every pirate has to own a Canon.

Collection of joke that were retold countless times when I was younger.

A plane carrying bricks was flying northeast over a jungle when a brick fell out. Which direction did the brick fell in?

- Down.

&nbsp;

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

- Open the fridge.

- Put elephant in.

- Close the fridge.

&nbsp;...

I remember my mum tucking me in when I was younger

in hindsight she made it pretty obvious she wanted a girl.

If sperm is good for your skin and makes you look younger?

Then how come my hands both look the same age

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I bought a trampoline for my younger brother

All the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry

When I was younger I wanted to be a film developer

But then I realized I didn't want to sit in a dark room alone with a bunch of negative people

Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"

The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."

The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"

The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."

In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in.

Nowadays, Depend's

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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

When I was younger I found out my mom was into S&M...

When I got into trouble I had to spank her.

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I once came home to find 4 masked men beating up my younger brother. Obviously I rushed over to help out.

...the little shit didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

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A 9 year old girl is playing with her younger sister...

... In the backyard of the house, when the older girl tap on her sister shoulder and point at the neighbor house saying:

_"Oh my god, look the neighbor's wife is giving a blowjob to the mailman under the veranda!

And her innocent sister ask with a cute little voice:

_"What's a v...

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When I was younger I really enjoyed looking at women’s rears

Not much has changed except now I’m a grown ass-man

I used to collect clocks when I was younger

I had too much time on my hands.

I am not smart enough to make a topical joke about how Jada Smith likes younger men, but I have to imagine that...

...if there is a Will, there is a way.

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Mild (NSFW) When I was younger I had a fairy godmother who granted me one wish.

She said I can either have a long penis or a long memory...


I forget my respnse

You know, I thought about joining the Navy SEALs when I was younger.

Then I heard people were clubbing new ones and I wimped out.

When I was younger, I was given a choice: a good memory or a long dong.

I can't remember which I chose.

Some say you look better when you're younger

But I have to disagree with the Catholic Church.

A joke about Wehrner Von Braun I heard years ago

Apparently Wehrner Von Braun used to play truant from school a lot when he was younger to work on experiments with rockets. His mother once said to him "Wehrner, you keep missing school!" Wehrner said "Yes, but only by a few miles!"

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Who are the younger brothers of Mt. Everest?

Mt. Ever and Mt. Everer.

Little joke my younger brother once pulled/said to me.

He comes home from school all excited and says

"Hey Ace, have you ever seen the clown that hides from stupid people?"

Me just kind of ignoring him but catching on to what he says to late I reply "nope"

He says "yeah I didn't think you would see him."

Damn Little kids man.

I wish I had prepared for Alzheimer's when I was a younger man.

If I only know now what I knew then...

When I was younger, I had a horrible condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.

I'm lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

I was quite flexible when I was younger

The kids used to call me Spiderman because my uncle was murdered.

When I was younger my dad taught me the easiest way to catch a bear.

First you need to dig a hole about 6 feet wide and 12 feet deep. Then you put a thin layer of ash from a campfire just enough to cover the bottom of the hole. The next step is to place a ring of peas all around the edge of the hole. Then when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hol...

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

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