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Friends Jokes

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

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Tripped over my friends bra...

..she is always setting booby traps!

My wife told me she wanted to have a threesome with me and one of her female friends.

I told her that if I really wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd call my parents.

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

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Friends are like boobs

some are real some are fake

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

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Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night.

Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist docto...

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Friends are like snowflakes

They disappear when you pee on them

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view...

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

Two friends lived in a Communist country.

The first friend asked, "Comrade, if you had two houses, would you give one of them to me?"

The second friend replied, "Of course, Comrade!"

The first friend was happy with this answer. He then asked, "If you had two cars, would you give one of them to me?"

"Of course!" replied ...

I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?

In an explosion.

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know y.

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A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.



"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.



"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."



"How does it work?"



The guys picks up a hammer, gives the ...

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

I started a band with friends called 999 Megabytes

Still haven't gotten a Gig though

My girlfriend asked me which one of her friends I'd want to have a threesome with...

Apparently the right answer wasn't "Wait, you have friends?"

Two friends are having a chat in a bar.

Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

Did you hear about the crow that was organising a party for all his crow friends?

He was arrested for attempted murder

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose...

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

(Edited from Tennis to Golf.)

Three friends celebrate with a night on the town...

Three friends celebrate with a night on the town. The day after, hung over, the three friends meet.

The first friend says, "I can't believe how much we drank last night! I was so drunk, I blew chunks!"

The second friend shakes his head and says, "You think that's bad? I got so drunk...

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Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

A rich old man goes golfing with his friends

And he brings along a gorgeous young lady.

"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.

After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his frie...

What do you call friends you like to eat with?

Tastebuds

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

Today a friend said to me: "Marco, aren't you sad to see your friends getting married and you being single at 43?"

I replied:

"Yes, I am, but I don't know how to help them."

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...

Two old men had been best friends for years...

...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in he...

Two drunk friends were talking in a bar.

Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.

Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?

Man 1: Since yesterday.

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

My friends favourite NSFW joke

A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks him: "Why are you home so early?"  He replies, "I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they chased me away"  The wife asks confused: "And the potato peeler?"
"She also got fired"

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

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My friends were very supportive when I told them about my addiction to masturbation.

They said I would beat it.

A 60 year millionaires is getting married. His friends are jealous and one of them ask how he landed such a hot 23 year old blonde beauty...

"Simple", grins the millionaire.

" I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...

he replies: " I said i was 87"

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

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I put cement in my friends food

He shit a brick when he found out

My friends won't let me babysit their kids because I'm a professional comedian, but why?

I've always done a stand-up job.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

The holy month of Ramadan starts today. For all my Muslim friends who are observing Ramadan…

..Lunch is on me.

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day...

The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal".

The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six".

Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs".

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him...

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it...

Anyone here want to be friends with me?

Asking for a friend.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

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A married couple invites some friends over for dinner...

...while the wife is preparing food and talking with the other women the husband chats with the male guests. During conversation, the husband asks his wife: "Honey, do you remember the name of that place we went last summer?" The wife promptly answers. Few minutes later' the husband calls his wife a...

Friends are like a trampoline

I always wanted a trampoline

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

Why do Electricians never get to hang out with their friends?

Because they're always grounded!

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A wife promised her husband she'd be home by midnight when she went out drinking with her friends...

"I'll be home by midnight, I promise." She said.

The hours passed as the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, she headed home. Just as she walked into the door the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' 3 times. Quickly realizing that her hus...

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My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.

I was the control group.

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