A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States?

Multiple mothers-in-law.

Where is the largest nursing home in the whole United States of America located?

Washington D.C.

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's difference between the United States and unprotected sex?

With the US, it doesn't matter if it pulls out or not. You are screwed anyways.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement

whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become...

There once was an Irishman that wanted to immigrate to America

His name was Tom Dunn. He lived in Ireland his whole life, but wanted to see what better opportunities America had to offer him.

He decided to make the trip, promising his mother he will write to her every day and that she should come visit him when he is all squared away. “I’ll be the Presid...

A Local United Way Office Realized That the Organization Had Never Received a Donation From the Town’s Most Successful Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his shit and is refusing to wear any clothes.

As a family we are united in our decision not to play Mo...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

Donald Trump was the President of United States

It’s not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.

What's the easiest way to find a spy in the United States?

Ask them to sing the Star Spangled Banner.

If the sing more than one verse, you have your spy.

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

PROCRASTINATORS UNITE

... tommorow maybe?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

How can you donate money to Taliban?

Just pay your taxes in United States

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to translate and adapt one of my favorite jokes. Hope it works.

A Mexican gunslinger were hired to kill an old American lady who was deaf in one ear. The man put his two silver revolvers in the holster at his waist, put his bullet belt around his chest, took his lucky sombrero and went to the lady’s house in the United States.



In front of the woma...

Languages, what are they called?

Sorry if you’ve seen this one before, but here it goes:
What do you call someone who speaks three languages-Trilingual
What do you call someone who speaks two languages-Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks one language?

A proud citizen of the United States of America…

The United Kingdom is breaking up!

Soon it will be the Untied Kingdom.

What do the United States and Usain Bolt have in common?

They both focus too much on race.

I wanted to get a job that doesn’t require too much intelligence

So I decided to run for the President of the United States

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China.

Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th

He's having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds?

I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English Football joke.

A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a

breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man

is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'

So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then

pulls out another card which r...

What did the 44th President of the United States say when he felt lonely?

O-ba-maself

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

Ironically the covid-19 virus has managed to unite the people of the world

By making us stay as far away from each other as possible

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

If you dressed up like a rodeo clown, broke into the capitol, and tried to destroy the democracy of the United States

You might be a redneck

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the air...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another Little Johnny joke...

Johnny's teacher is asking trivia questions in class, and letting whoever answers them correctly go home early. One day, she asks, "Who was the first President of the United States?"

Before Johnny can even raise his hand, Billy says, "George Washington!"

"That's correct, Billy," teach...

United Airlines Boeing 777-200 Engine #2

Edit: Well this blew up.

(Thankful for no injuries)

Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom?

Because Rick Astley is British.

United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

What would we call if russia unite with all former Soviet Union nation?

...Soviet 'RE'Union

An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".

The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".

The wife continued, "We didn...

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

hurricane

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of...

If a foreign enemy attacked the United States and killed 180K+ citizens, the whole country, Republicans and Democrats, would most likely join together into defeating it...

Oh wait, never mind.

Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]

At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a Mormon wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

At a United Church wedding, the minister is pregnant.

At a Unitarian wedding, the minister and her wife are both pregnant.

*Adapted poorly from a joke about Jewish denominat...

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "My whole body."

These United Airline jokes really need to stop

They're being dragged out

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,

"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"

"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

[Long] This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Canadian Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

Breeding Seagulls and Eagles has now been outlawed in the United States.

The rationale behind this was that the new creature became incredibly sick upon birth. People have been breeding ill eagle seagulls this entire time.

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.

Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until then, she’d never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
“You must take the loyalty oa...

9 out of 10 doctors recommend United Airlines.

One was removed.

Unites Airlines newest in-flight cuisine

Chinese Takeout

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

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