If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

What comes after the United States of America?

USB

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

What do you call it when a person outside the United States of America takes on weight?

Cultural Appropriation

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

The United Kingdom is breaking up!

Soon it will be the Untied Kingdom.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

Donald Trump was the President of United States

It’s not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.

What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?

Okay, Biden.

What do the United States and Usain Bolt have in common?

They both focus too much on race.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds?

I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

Most people associate Frankie Valli with the Four Seasons, but how many of you are familiar with the song he wrote about the native corn of the Southeast United States?

It was called "Maize of Georgia," and it's a hit.

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

PROCRASTINATORS UNITE

... tommorow maybe?

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China.

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th

He's having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!

United Airlines Boeing 777-200 Engine #2

Edit: Well this blew up.

(Thankful for no injuries)

If you dressed up like a rodeo clown, broke into the capitol, and tried to destroy the democracy of the United States

You might be a redneck

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

The United States Congress has a new sign hanging in the hallway

It reads "Not responsible for lost or stolen Articles"

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

n Indian is calmly having breakfast... An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him.

The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indian...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide.

On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.

"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

Ironically the covid-19 virus has managed to unite the people of the world

By making us stay as far away from each other as possible

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "My whole body."

If a foreign enemy attacked the United States and killed 180K+ citizens, the whole country, Republicans and Democrats, would most likely join together into defeating it...

Oh wait, never mind.

The longest drum solo.

Was 5 hours and 23 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on United Flight LY51 From Newark to Los Angeles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the bar at the airport before his plane departs when a beautiful young woman sits at the bar beside him..

She is wearing a uniform and he reckons she's obviously an air steward.. He nods at her and says the Qantas slogan "you're the reason we fly" and winks at her.. She ignores him ... "hmm, not Qantas" he thinks, so he tries "Fly the friendly skies"? .. no reaction "OK, it's not United Airlines either"...

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom?

Because Rick Astley is British.

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

Every other country simply does not understand why the United States keeps making such a big deal about 9/11...

"Never forget", "Fallen Heroes", "forever in our hearts",

Big woop, it means nothing to us.

the 9th of November is just as boring as any other day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the opposite for Manchester United?

Women's breasts are divided.

Breeding Seagulls and Eagles has now been outlawed in the United States.

The rationale behind this was that the new creature became incredibly sick upon birth. People have been breeding ill eagle seagulls this entire time.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend United Airlines.

One was removed.

What would we call if russia unite with all former Soviet Union nation?

...Soviet 'RE'Union

Women of the world unite! It's time to roll over....

And let the man sleep in the wet spot tonight!

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

Why is the United States of America losing the fight against Covid-19?

Because they can't shoot it like the rest of their problems.

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

The President of the United States Donald Trump and First Lady Melania have tested positive for the coronavirus

This is also probably the first and only time ever that Melania has been or will ever be positive around Trump

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,

"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"

"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never understood how Ty Lee joined the Kyoshi warriors at the end of Avatar.

That's like if the United States hired Nazi rocket scientists to work on our space program after WW2 ended.

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who gets letters to god?

A little girl wanted a bike real bad. She begged her parents every day to get her a bike but they couldn't afford the one she wanted. It cost $100.00. One day her mom just had enough and told her to pray for a bike. Weeks went by until the little girl was tired of praying and thought god might see a...

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

These United Airline jokes really need to stop

They're being dragged out

What do Coronavirus panic in England and divorce in the United States have in common?

They’re both commonly caused by BBC.

A reporter is interviewing the President of the United States…

WALLACE (Interviewer) But I've got to tell you, if I may, sir, respectfully, in the Fox poll, they asked people, who is more competent? Who's got -- whose mind is sounder? Biden beats you in that.
TRUMP: Well, I'll tell you what, let's take a test. Let's take a test right now. Let's go down, Jo...

I was talking about the presidents of the United States today...

Then it hit me -


Orange is the new Black.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

What’d do you say to a depressed girl from United Kingdom

UK

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