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Laid Jokes

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on

I was touched

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

One night Chun Li gets drunk and decides she wants to get laid. So, she asks her friend Cammy if she knows which of the male Street fighters can help her get off...

Cammy said, "Sure. Ryu can."

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What's the similarity between "getting laid" and "getting laid off" ?

Either way you are fucked.

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

A hen laid eyes on some pieces of lettuce.

The chicken caesar salad.

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she whispered in my ear "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on!"

I said "Na, you're just pullin' my leg!"

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If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid...

I'd be a prostitute.

Why don't mitochondria ever get laid?

Cause they're incels

I just got laid for the first time today.

They told me they'd never had anyone whose performance was so bad despite every position we tried. This was the last thing I could think of to try to earn a living and now I don't know what to do.

Teenage boy can't figure out how his friend gets laid all the time -- but he doesn't

He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees.

"All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time."

The teenage boy does as...

How to get laid??

1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense.

Why do women close their eyes when they're getting laid?

Because they can't stand to see a guy having a good time...

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I can only get laid by prostitutes.

I’m a buysexual

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

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I got laid Yesterday.

His name was life and BOI did he Fuck me Hard.

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight.

I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?

What do you call an Apple employee who got laid off?

Steve Jobless!

How did the mime keep getting laid?

He could do unspeakable things in the bedroom.

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My wife laid in bed. I walked in the bedroom handing her a glass of water and an aspirin...

"Thanks, but I don't have a headache," she said.


"Well," I said, "let's have sex, then."

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Parrot's bitchin to his owner about how he never gets laid

So the owner picks up the phone and calls a friend with a female parrot, asks how much the mating fee would be? Friend says fifty bucks and the owner says fine. So the owner brings the parrot to the friend's house and puts him in a dark room with the female parrot, goes to have a drink with his frie...

What do you call a song that get you laid?

A banger.

I'll see my self out

I've not been laid all year!

With all the lock downs and social distancing this has nothing to do with it being Jan 1st..

What do you call a furry that got laid off and laid at the same time.

A furloughed fur load.

How can you tell a hobo just got laid?

He's got 2 clean fingers.

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Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?

Well yes Bob, I do.

Great, can you please get laid more often?

They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid.

Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

What gets laid 3 times a day?

The dinner table.

Imagine if roosters laid eggs.

So many dad yolks at our disposal.

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A man walks into a church

and goes in the confessional. The priest follows him.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery.” he says.

“Dear heavens my child. I must ask, what happened? ” the priest answers.

“You see father, last week my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s house fo...

How to get laid in five easy steps!

1 - Denial

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Why did Popeye never get laid?

Because Olive Oil was extra virgin.

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An eagle who had just been divorced went out looking for new love one day...

He was flying around, and on the ground he spotted a dove. He flew down,
had a bit of ding dong with the dove,
then flew away. The little dove laid there and said...

"I am a little dove, I've had a bit of love, but I liked it."

The eagle was still flying around, and on the ground...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

Best Laid Plans

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child....

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I get laid almost every day of the week.

Almost got laid on Monday, almost got laid on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, and almost on Sunday.

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The only way you're gonna get laid.

Is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait!!

In which nation do you get laid very easily?

Imagination.

I can get laid any time I want.

Of course, that's one of the perks of being a coroner.

What kind of fruit doesn’t get laid?

A can’t elope

You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.

If that fly laid eggs in Pence’s hair

...He damn well better carry them to full term!

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

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If 8 got laid...

she would be fucking without any limits.

How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid?

He has one clean finger

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My dick is so big that if I laid it out on a keyboard, it would go from A to Z.

Wait, shit.

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You're 18, it's time to get laid

A a boys 18th birthday his father gives him a $100 bill and tells him to go get a hooker. So young man leaves to go look for a hooker. After a few hours of driving around and finding nothing he likes he decides to visit his grandmother.
She asks what he is up too and he tells her. She says "I...

Where is the best place to get laid during Covid?

Super spreader events.

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A guy wants to get laid

A guy is super horny and wants to get laid however he doesn't want to put much effort into it so he goes down to china town and looks for a hooker. He ends up finding this beautiful girl she said she would do anything oral, anal anything he wanted for just 5 Dollars. He takes her back to the hotel a...

Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid

She might have crabs.

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while?

He's wearing a wedding ring.

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A man has not gotten laid in a while.

A man has not gotten laid in a while. So his friends suggests a prostitute. He is not sure about it at first, but he goes.

That night, the man finds her and drives her to a hotel. On the drive, the man decides to try and to brighten the mood. He looks at her and says "Hey, they call me woody ...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

Saw a guy getting laid in a cemetary last weekend.

Figured i had nothing to lose so i yelled out "hey, mind if i have a turn?"
" go dig up your own!" He replied.

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If a chicken and a duck laid an egg that hatched

Would the offspring be called a Cuck or a Dick

How do you get laid in Alabama?

Tell them you’re their long-lost brother.

Guys-- I finally got laid- !

... Off from work.

My last day is Friday.

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What's forty years old and never been laid?

A really fucked up egg

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

I’ll never get laid with this username because..

I’ll always scare the chicks away....

Paddy and Mick got laid off...

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
 
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
 
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and f...

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I sexually identify as a brick.

I’m always hard and I’ve only ever been laid once.

An attorney asks an engineer to gather some evidence at a newly laid construction site.

He examines everything he can - looking for any evidence in the steel beams, the pipes, the equipment around, even the rebar where the foundation will be set in hopes to find anything to use in the case.

With his findings in hand, he returns to the attorney’s office. “Well, I’ve got some good...

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A farmer and his best friend go to the city to get laid.

They walk into a club, the farmer finds a cute girl, and he starts sweet talking her.

Unimpressed, the girl says "I'll only go out with you if you have a 2000 acre farm, 10000 cows, and a 7 inch dick.

The farmer dies inside, and walks back to his friend. The friend asks "What happened?...

I’ve just got home to find that the turf I laid last week has been stolen. .

My girlfriend is outside now, looking forlorn

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the s...

I was surprised when Buzzfeed laid of their journalists

I didn't even know they had journalists!

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

My girlfriend left me because I'm too laid back.

Well, I think she left me. Haven't seen her in like a month.

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An old lady needs help getting laid...

An old lady hadn't had sex with her husband in years. While he's working one day, she went to the nearby sex shop and asks for a recommendation.

The clerk picked out a pair of crotchless panties assuring the old woman that they will surely put her husband in the mood. The old woman eagerly b...

Who is the most laid back Norse God?

Loki

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I'm not saying it's too long since I got laid,

but this morning there was a bottle of extra virgin olive oil in the food cupboard, and now there's just a bottle of olive oil.

probably won't get him laid

A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him.

"Yes, I guess I did." came his reply.

"Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love ...

Did you know, if you laid out all of your veins end to end across a football field...

You would likely die.

On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.

"How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

Ads can get you laid

Cuz when I turned on Ad blocker, all the women in my area who were interested in me suddenly disappeared.

I was laid off due to COVID, so I took a job at an origami factory

Unfortunately it folded.

A guy walked into a bar and told the bartender, "Man I need to get laid in the worst way!"

The bartender replied, "Well the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

How to get laid for free without the trouble of dating...

..







Start working at the mortuary like me.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep...

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and...

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

When was the last time the Twitch Streamer got laid?

About a Fortnite ago.

I'm getting laid tonight

I wish I could have posted this somewhere else...

I just got laid at a party.

I love family reunions.

As a landlord, the most laid-back renters I ever had were a Chinese restaurant.

They were lo mein tenants.

What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid?

Incello.

Why didn't people get laid during Communism?

The State seized the means of **re**production

The world's largest egg is laid by the Ostrich...

And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.

Did you know that if you took all the fish caught in Canada in one year and laid them end-to-end …

…the smell would be absolutely atrocious.

I bought some french hens recently, but it’s very frustrating that so far they’ve only laid a single egg

Un oeuf is enough.

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Graveyards are great places to get laid

Especially if you have a shovel and a “can do” attitude!

Guess who just got laid!

Not me. Probably someone, but not me.

News reporters visit a hen about a shockingly huge egg she laid recently.

“This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of! 

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster, “what are your goals for the...

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