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Those little lies you tell at the bowling alley

Bowlshit

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley...

And one was a salted.

Two teenage boys are walking down an alley

when they see a stray dog licking its crotch.

The one boy says, “Man, I really wish I could do that.”

His friend responds, “I don’t know, you’d better pet him and see if he’s friendly, first.”

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A prostitute slipped on cum while servicing a man in an alley

She fell down and poked her eye on the man’s hard dick.

A witness told a policeman, “She looked a bit cockeyed.”

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I met a prostitute in a alley last night

she really sucked.

A murderer was playing poker in a shady alley.

"I choked someone to death" he said

The person next to him exclaimed "Ahh man! nothing can beat such a strong hand"

A nun was walking down a dark alley to save some time one evening dressed in her black habit.

A drunk guy stumbled out of one of the doors in the alley and yelled "Hey, where do you think you're going?!"

He grabbed her and punched her in the face, and pushed her down to the ground.

She screamed for help and a couple of bystanders came running to her aid from a vicious attack th...

I got a $10 language lesson from a girl in a dark alley last night

Now I know that blow and suck are synonyms.

I saw two blind guys fighting in an alley last night.

You won't believe how fast they ran when I said: "My money is on the one with the knife!"

A stickman, who robbed a bank, was finally caught after being cornered in an alley. The police told him, “hands in the air!”

The stickman: lol

Stay Alert - The Bowling-Alley Killer is still at large ...

Police warn he may strike again.

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

A mugger stopped me in the alley outside my building

He pointed a gun at me and said “Your money or your life?”

I shook my head and said “let me think”

–An old joke by the legend Jack Benny

A guy in an alley tried to sell me his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass for me.

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I heard a rumour about this grey butterfly that hangs around street lights in dark alleys.

Turned out it was an urban moth

Tonight, I witnessed two thugs in a dark alley beating up a petite woman. I thought to myself, “I should go help”.

She was no match for the three of us.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

A little boy was walking down a road.

A policeman comes up to him and asks him whether he has seen a thief running away.
The little boy says, "Go along this road, and you will come upon and intersection of four roads.
Go along the fourth road, and you will find four wide alleys.
Go in the fourth alley and you will come acros...

A piece of string walks up to the entrance of a night club.

As he approaches the front of the line, the bouncer crosses his path and says to him “sorry mate, are you a piece of string?”

The piece of string says “yes, is that a problem?”

The bouncer replies “yeah, sorry but I can’t let pieces of string in, it’s policy.”

The string walks ...

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said...

An optimist tries to cheer up his friend (long)

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri...

A man is walking home one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries al...

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A boy and his dog

A young man walks into a bar, followed closely by a large ball of black hair. The bartender looks at him and says "We dont allow dogs in here!"

The young man responds, "That's not a dog, it's a wooleybugger."

"What's a woolybugger?" quips the bartender.

"Come outside and I'll s...

Two nuns are walking down an alley at night.

Two guys jump out and start raping them.

The first nun looks to heaven and says, *"Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."*

The second nun looks up and says, *"This one does!"*

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My dog named sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he...

What goes down an alley and has holes in it?

Batman’s parents

A drawing is walking in an alley, and seems unsettled.

The drawing thinks to itself, “Man, this place seems a little sketchy.”

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Emotions

So.. 3 french guys were walking around Brooklyn when they spot a party, they go knock on the door but the person answering says they can't get in without a costume. They walk away dejected. One of them spots a green paint can in an alley and pours it all over himself goes to the door and says I am g...

After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open...

...we finally got the ball rolling.

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

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With a pair of bowling balls in each hand, I walked down the street.

A man that I passed stopped me and asked, "Where are you carrying those bowling balls? The bowling alley is in the other direction."

"Oh, I'm not going bowling. I'm going to the club to pick up girls." I replied.

"The club?! Won't it be hard to pick up girls without a free hand?" th...

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A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day

and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study wh...

A man is walking down a dark alley when he's accosted by a robber.

The robber puts a gun to his head and says, "Give me all your money, or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean 'or you're history?'"

"Don't try to change the subject" says the robber.

A man takes his wife to the stock show.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.” They proceed to the...

Can you teach me how the scoring works in bowling?

Of course! It’s something right up my alley!

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Johnny’s trip to school

Little Johnny and his friend were on their way to school one morning, late as usual they decided to take a shortcut and hop the fence of a back alley, Jonny went up and over the fence and then it was his friends turn. His friend slipped and landed with a fence post up his ass, Johnny tried to help h...

I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley

I immediately jumped in to help.

He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

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A priest and a rabbi are strolling down the city together one evening when they spot a little boy wandering down an alley...

The priest says “Let’s fuck him!” The rabbi says, “Out of what?”

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A teacher is talking to her kids about covid 19.

She asks them if anyone can explain what germs are? Little Susie speaks up and says they're like little bugs that you can catch from other people that can make you sick.


The teacher says, that's perfect. Now can anyone tell me why we should wash our hands? Little Timmy excitedly raises...

Thought I would be fine having another drink. Woke up later in an alley.

Then, the bowling ball hit me.

Always think before you answer!

A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.
He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint. He makes them go into a dark blind alley, tells them to get up against the wall, and makes them...

“Take this number four out of my hand and I’ll give you one million dollars. However, a complete stranger to you will die,” said the man in a back alley.

“No!” the other man responded, “I would never four give myself”

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

Two nuns were riding their bikes back to the church.

The first nun suggests they take a detour down a back alley. A few minutes later the second nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The first nun says, “It’s the cobblestones.”

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

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A man is walking down a dark alley in Belfast...

...When suddenly, he hears the unmistakeable sound of an automatic pistol chambering a round, and someone puts a gun to his head.

The assailant says "Catholic or Protestant?"

Thinking quickly, the man says "I'm a Jew!"

And the voice behind him says "Faith and begorrah, aren't I ...

2 women are going for a bike ride.

They turn down an old alley way. one woman says to the other

"I've never come this way before."

the other woman says

"yeah, i think it's the cobble stones."

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

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A Dublin thug corners an Irishman in a dark alley... [Religion] [Irish]

The thug raises a club and says "Got ya! I'm gonna split yer skull, ya Protty bastard!"

"No, wait!" says the man "You've got it wrong. I'm not a Protestant."

"Ah-ha!" Shouts the thug, "I tricked ya! I knew ya were a damn Croppy all along! Now die, ya papist!"

"No, you don't unde...

A vampire was about to attack a woman in a dark alley. She screamed and said "please don't, you wouldn't want me, I have AIDS"

"Don't worry, I have a condom" the vampire replied.

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A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry...

Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix

There once was a girl named Sally

Who enjoyed the occasional dally

She sat on the lap

Of a well-endowed chap

And cried "Sir! You're right up my alley."

A man is hanging out in an alley, waiting to scare someone

A man is hanging out in an alley, waiting to scare someone. After waiting a while, another guy starts walking down the alley. The first guy jumps out at him, screaming "BAAH!" The second man, startled, says, "Why did you do that?"
"I just want to scare people," the first man responds.
"Well,"...

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hol...

A string walks into a bar

The string sits down at the bar and starts to order a drink.

The bartender interrupts him and says “Sorry, sir, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string gets upset and goes out into the back alley, where he ties himself in a knot and cuts himself up over the situation.

Aft...

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A drunk walks into a packed bar, holds his wallet in the air, and says, "A round of your finest for everyone in the house! And pour one for yourself, bartender!"

So the bartender pours a drink for everyone in the place, and downs a shot for himself. Then he says to the guy, "That'll be $250, buddy."

The guy says, "I don't have any fuckin' money."

The bartender leaps over the bar, beats the man half to death, and throws him out in the alley out ...

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

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An American spy goes to Russia

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

What do you call an artist in a dark alley?

Sketchy

What did the cop say to the man peeing in an alley?

“Urine trouble!”

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My girlfriend loves cats and wanted to go to a bowling alley today. So I took her out to Racks and Balls Bowling Alley & Strip Club

There might not be cats... but there will be pussy.

I passed a homeless man in an alley last week and it made me cry.

I still can't sit down.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

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There are these three ropes, and they are the best of friends

Every Friday, they go to the bowling alley to hang out and play a few games. However, when they got there on Friday, there was a sign that said, "No ropes allowed". They decided it must be a mistake, so one of the ropes goes in to ask about it, but gets kicked out. The second one goes in to try his ...

A pregnant mother of three is walking down a alley...

The Mother gets shot 3 times and each bullet gets lodged in each of the babies with no serious damage done to the mother or the babies. Months later the babys are born, two beautiful girls and a boy. One day the one of the little girls goes to the bathroom and comes out and says to the mother "mommy...

Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts?

He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.

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The police arrested two insane vagrants in an alley yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

Riddle me this, Batman. What do you find in an alley that has holes in it?

"M-my parents?"

"No! A bowling ball! I'm so sorry..."

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

A blonde was walking down a shady alley, when all of a sudden a mugger jumps out from behind cover and says "I have a knife, give me all your money!"

She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

Two friends are walking down an alley when a mugger ask for their money.

The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says "here's that money I owe you."

A man saw a small boy crying in an alley

"What is wrong?" he said

"My parents died" the boy responded.

The man pulled down his pants and said "Welp, this isn't your lucky day."

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in france a dinner jacket is le smoking

a track suit is le jogging. a camp site is le camping. a bowling alley is le bowling. that they call their swimming pools la pissing is why i've never been able to trust them

Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...

When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".

In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.

Is 4 followers a lot?

Depends on context.

On Instagram, no.

In a dark alley, yes, that's a lot.

Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them...

"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the thug says.

Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"

A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,

"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"

He replies, "With magic, of course!-

You want some magic?"

A man and his wife are on a business trip

A man and his wife where on a business trip. It was supposed to only take 1 day, and they expected to be home that night, but it took longer than expected and tired of a long day having a meeting, they decide to stay in a hotel and return the next day.

They slept well and the next morning, th...

The bowling alley down the street just had its 300th strike.

They must have terrible working conditions.

I saw a stranger in an alley

I saw a stranger in an alley, and decided to give him $2000.

You should have seen the smile on my face when he put his gun away.

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A special talking koala was making his way from Australia to New York.

He wandered down a back alley one day and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.

She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"

After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up her skirt and performed cunni...

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One time I was in Amsterdam and I decided to go to the Red Light District

As I was walking by the sex shops and back alleys I ran into a man in a suit who said
_"Hey! You lookin' for a good time?"_
So we got to talking and he eventually cut to the chase and said
_"Look you have two choices, our cheapest prostitutes can be had for a cent but our finest will run ...

To everyone buying up tons of toilet paper:

You should get a bidet. It'd be right up your alley.

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Pregnant lady of 3 gets shot 3 times...

(not sure if it's been told I am new here)

A pregnant woman was walking down an alley way and was shot 3 times. The doctor told her that she will be fine.

14 years later one of her daughters says" mommy, mommy I peed out a bullet!" So her mom tells her what happened all those years ago...

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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces ...

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A little boy was playing in the alley behind his house

As he was going through some of the neighbors trash he found a welder's mask. He put it on and was pretending to weld as an old rickety van pulled down the alley. The man driving stopped next to the boy and rolled down his window.

"Hey Boy. I need some help with something and you look like ju...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead just robbed a bank.

They see the police cars are approaching so they escape to the back alleyway. There they discovered 3 big sacks. One sack full of kittens, one full of puppies, and the last one full of potatoes. They each get into a sack, hoping the cops won't notice them. A police officer checks the alley and sees ...

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A lawyer was walking down the street...

When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them.
“No way!” She exclaimed
“What about for $1000?” He persisted
“No certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?”
“You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked.
The...

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

Two men are walking down a dark alley

Suddenly, a mugger approaches them with a gun and demands them to give him all of their money.

The two guys look at each other, and begrudgingly take out their wallets. The first guy turns to the second and says "oh yeah, here's the $10 I owe you."

What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a bowling alley?

Elaine

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

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What's the one thing you don't want to hear while giving Willie Nelson a blowjob in an alley?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

My parents were shot and killed in an alley

feelsbatman

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass.

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with...

Magician: I can turn this handkerchief into a flower.

Little Johnny: That’s nothing. I can walk down the street and turn into an alley.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley

She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

- Tim Vine, King of the one liners.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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An Irishman walked down an alley in Belfast...

A thug jumped from the shadows and pointed a gun at him.

"Millie up, ya Croppy shite!" Said the thug. "I'll blast yer papist skull!"

"Bite the back o' me bullocks with that Blarney." Replied the Irishman. "I'm no Catholic, ya fookin eejit."

"Ha!" Said the thug. "Good craic! I tr...

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alley way

So a white man, a black man, and a mexican are walking down an alleyway and one of them accidentally knock over a trashcan and a genie comes out. The genie announces himself as the ratchet genie and grants each man 1 wish.

The mexican says "i wish that i and my fellow hispanics can all live p...

A drunk wandering around the alley at night...

(...) when in front of him appeared a nun, all dressed in nun clothes. The drunk then starts raging on the nun, kicking and punching her all over. When he finished her and knocked her out with a round house kick he looked down and screamed:

C'mon BATMAN! C'MON! REACT! LET's FIGHT!!

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

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“Playing Truck Driver”

One day this man had gotten home from work and saw this boy in his neighborhood sitting outside on the sidewalk with a bag of M&Ms and an Alley Cat.

The little boy ate a couple M&Ms, bit the cat, moved 3 feet, ate some more M&Ms then bit the cat again.

The man confused as h...

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