A robber pointed his gun at a brunette in a dark alley.

He said, "I will give you until the count of 3 to give me your purse. 1...2...3". "Cops!" she screamed, pointing behind him. He looked behind, no one was there and the brunette ran away.

The robber then pointed his gun at a red head and repeated, "I will give you until the count of 3 to give ...

I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.

It was a shot in the dark, but I took it

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The other day I was walking through town and I took a shortcut down an alley way. I got jumped by 5 guys, and managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time to have a wank though

A tourist wandering through the back alleys of San Francisco’s Chinatown finds his way into an antique store

A bronze statue of a rat catches his eye, and he asks for its price.


“The rat costs twelve dollars,” the shopkeeper says, “and it will be a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”


The tourist, being a shrewd American, pays for the rat, telling the old man he can keep hi...

I told my friend i have got a new job at a bowling alley

She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

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Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley...

And one was a salted.

Last night I did Stand-Up in a Bowling Alley parking lot

Some of my jokes struck out. The audience was split.

Back Alley Memories

I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wi...

Half an year ago, a middle-aged man, walking home after a long and stressful day of work, found an old, crusty lamp in an abandoned alley.

"What harm could it do," he said out loud, and gave it a rub.

A genie emerged, exclaiming, “All behold, I, the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is incomprehensible, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

"I am a simple man with a simpl...

Two teenage boys are walking down an alley

when they see a stray dog licking its crotch.

The one boy says, “Man, I really wish I could do that.”

His friend responds, “I don’t know, you’d better pet him and see if he’s friendly, first.”

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A prostitute slipped on cum while servicing a man in an alley

She fell down and poked her eye on the man’s hard dick.

A witness told a policeman, “She looked a bit cockeyed.”

I saw two blind guys fighting in an alley last night.

You won't believe how fast they ran when I said: "My money is on the one with the knife!"

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I met a prostitute in a alley last night

she really sucked.

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Transvestite Hooker (Very NSFW)

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

A murderer was playing poker in a shady alley.

"I choked someone to death" he said

The person next to him exclaimed "Ahh man! nothing can beat such a strong hand"

A stickman, who robbed a bank, was finally caught after being cornered in an alley. The police told him, “hands in the air!”

The stickman: lol

I got a $10 language lesson from a girl in a dark alley last night

Now I know that blow and suck are synonyms.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

What travels down an alley and has holes in it?

Batman’s parents

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Stay Alert - The Bowling-Alley Killer is still at large ...

Police warn he may strike again.

Tonight, I witnessed two thugs in a dark alley beating up a petite woman. I thought to myself, “I should go help”.

She was no match for the three of us.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

A guy in an alley tried to sell me his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass for me.

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I heard a rumour about this grey butterfly that hangs around street lights in dark alleys.

Turned out it was an urban moth

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

There was a young lady named Sally

Who enjoyed the occasional dally.

She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap

and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!"

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A man had some trouble lasting during sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, ‟What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He con...

Two nuns are walking down an alley at night.

Two guys jump out and start raping them.

The first nun looks to heaven and says, *"Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."*

The second nun looks up and says, *"This one does!"*

Two homeless drunks have an idea NSFW

Two homeless men are talking together in an alley.

 

One man says to the other: Hey, I have an idea let's pool our money and buy a hotdog. Then we will go to every bar in town and order drinks until they ask us to pay. When they do, you drop on your knees, open my fly, start ...

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Jim Bob and the Blow Job Frog

A man is selling frogs in a box for $100 each. A sign says “Blow Job Frogs $100”.

Jim Bob walks up and looks in the box “No way one of those frogs is worth $100.”

Salesman “Take one down the alley and try it; If you don’t like it put it back and leave.”

Jim Bob does and comes b...

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet.

These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

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A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day

and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study wh...

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open...

...we finally got the ball rolling.

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

A guy walks out of a bar

On his way home he heads up an alley way and in that alley way, he sees a dumpster with a lamp in it

The guy picks up the lamp, opens its lid and a genie pops out saying “ I am the genie of the lost lamp and I will grant you 3 wishes but whatever you ask for, you’re ex wife gets double”
...

A man is walking down a dark alley when he's accosted by a robber.

The robber puts a gun to his head and says, "Give me all your money, or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean 'or you're history?'"

"Don't try to change the subject" says the robber.

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One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab...

A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everythi...

I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley

I immediately jumped in to help.

He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

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A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry...

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

Thought I would be fine having another drink. Woke up later in an alley.

Then, the bowling ball hit me.

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

What do you call an artist in a dark alley?

Sketchy

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A priest and a rabbi are strolling down the city together one evening when they spot a little boy wandering down an alley...

The priest says “Let’s fuck him!” The rabbi says, “Out of what?”

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A Dublin thug corners an Irishman in a dark alley... [Religion] [Irish]

The thug raises a club and says "Got ya! I'm gonna split yer skull, ya Protty bastard!"

"No, wait!" says the man "You've got it wrong. I'm not a Protestant."

"Ah-ha!" Shouts the thug, "I tricked ya! I knew ya were a damn Croppy all along! Now die, ya papist!"

"No, you don't unde...

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A man is walking down a dark alley in Belfast...

...When suddenly, he hears the unmistakeable sound of an automatic pistol chambering a round, and someone puts a gun to his head.

The assailant says "Catholic or Protestant?"

Thinking quickly, the man says "I'm a Jew!"

And the voice behind him says "Faith and begorrah, aren't I ...

“Take this number four out of my hand and I’ll give you one million dollars. However, a complete stranger to you will die,” said the man in a back alley.

“No!” the other man responded, “I would never four give myself”

A biker stopped by the

local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn’t do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn’t live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and p...

A vampire was about to attack a woman in a dark alley. She screamed and said "please don't, you wouldn't want me, I have AIDS"

"Don't worry, I have a condom" the vampire replied.

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A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes...

A man is hanging out in an alley, waiting to scare someone

A man is hanging out in an alley, waiting to scare someone. After waiting a while, another guy starts walking down the alley. The first guy jumps out at him, screaming "BAAH!" The second man, startled, says, "Why did you do that?"
"I just want to scare people," the first man responds.
"Well,"...

The Story of a Man and his Chicken

Back in the before-times, people were allowed to go to these things called "movies". This one guy wanted to bring his pet chicken to one of these movies, but unbeknownst to him, chickens weren't allowed in the theater. So, distraught, the man headed home with his chicken.

But on the way, he w...

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Old Jewish man

An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.


He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"


"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.


He turns around, runs ar...

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A priest is preparing to close up the church and head home

A priest is preparing to close up the church and head home, when a man enters the church, looking for him. Failing to recognize the man, the priest says,


"You're not from around here. Do I know you?"


The man replies, "Yes father! Years ago, I was a wayward teenager and you caug...

Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

What did the cop say to the man peeing in an alley?

“Urine trouble!”

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said...

A pregnant mother of three is walking down a alley...

The Mother gets shot 3 times and each bullet gets lodged in each of the babies with no serious damage done to the mother or the babies. Months later the babys are born, two beautiful girls and a boy. One day the one of the little girls goes to the bathroom and comes out and says to the mother "mommy...

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My Halloween joke

A young man in the hospital is smitten with his night nurse, She feels good about him too.
The pain meds he’s on have constipated him and neither want to discuss it. She decides to slip him a laxative to “help” .Just before she’s going to arrive for a visit, he has an accident in the bed, there’...

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My girlfriend loves cats and wanted to go to a bowling alley today. So I took her out to Racks and Balls Bowling Alley & Strip Club

There might not be cats... but there will be pussy.

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is stopped in his tracks at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"My child, you are not yet permitted to enter Heaven," St Peter says.

"May I know why not?" the man asks.

"Well, you see, our database has not been updated yet and the current indication here is that you have not done ...

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Damn he can drive!

Damn he can drive!
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him there is a guy spitting and cussing.

Sure enough when the cop come up to the guy he spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

The cop tells him to ...

Riddle me this, Batman. What do you find in an alley that has holes in it?

"M-my parents?"

"No! A bowling ball! I'm so sorry..."

Two friends are walking down an alley when a mugger ask for their money.

The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says "here's that money I owe you."

I passed a homeless man in an alley last week and it made me cry.

I still can't sit down.

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

A blonde was walking down a shady alley, when all of a sudden a mugger jumps out from behind cover and says "I have a knife, give me all your money!"

She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"

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My dog named sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he...

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The police arrested two insane vagrants in an alley yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts?

He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.

A piece of string walks up to the entrance of a night club.

As he approaches the front of the line, the bouncer crosses his path and says to him “sorry mate, are you a piece of string?”

The piece of string says “yes, is that a problem?”

The bouncer replies “yeah, sorry but I can’t let pieces of string in, it’s policy.”

The string walks ...

A little boy was walking down a road.

A policeman comes up to him and asks him whether he has seen a thief running away.
The little boy says, "Go along this road, and you will come upon and intersection of four roads.
Go along the fourth road, and you will find four wide alleys.
Go in the fourth alley and you will come acros...

A man saw a small boy crying in an alley

"What is wrong?" he said

"My parents died" the boy responded.

The man pulled down his pants and said "Welp, this isn't your lucky day."

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A boy and his dog

A young man walks into a bar, followed closely by a large ball of black hair. The bartender looks at him and says "We dont allow dogs in here!"

The young man responds, "That's not a dog, it's a wooleybugger."

"What's a woolybugger?" quips the bartender.

"Come outside and I'll s...

A man is walking home one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries al...

Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...

When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".

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A young man goes on a date with a very short girl.

Despite her stature she is pretty sweet and beautiful. The date is going well and after a long walk he decided to walk her home.

As they are walking they start holding hands, kissing and finally they start making out against a wall in a dark alley. The man is getting horny so he sees a hook u...

In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up

Half to life.

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

An optimist tries to cheer up his friend (long)

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri...

Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them...

"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the thug says.

Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"

A little boy asks a dealer in an alley dressed like Santa Claus,

"Santa, how do your reindeer fly?"

He replies, "With magic, of course!-

You want some magic?"

I saw a stranger in an alley

I saw a stranger in an alley, and decided to give him $2000.

You should have seen the smile on my face when he put his gun away.

The bowling alley down the street just had its 300th strike.

They must have terrible working conditions.

Can you teach me how the scoring works in bowling?

Of course! It’s something right up my alley!

A man takes his wife to the stock show.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.” They proceed to the...

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Emotions

So.. 3 french guys were walking around Brooklyn when they spot a party, they go knock on the door but the person answering says they can't get in without a costume. They walk away dejected. One of them spots a green paint can in an alley and pours it all over himself goes to the door and says I am g...

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

Two nuns were riding their bikes back to the church.

The first nun suggests they take a detour down a back alley. A few minutes later the second nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The first nun says, “It’s the cobblestones.”

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

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What's the one thing you don't want to hear while giving Willie Nelson a blowjob in an alley?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a bowling alley?

Elaine

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A drunk walks into a packed bar, holds his wallet in the air, and says, "A round of your finest for everyone in the house! And pour one for yourself, bartender!"

So the bartender pours a drink for everyone in the place, and downs a shot for himself. Then he says to the guy, "That'll be $250, buddy."

The guy says, "I don't have any fuckin' money."

The bartender leaps over the bar, beats the man half to death, and throws him out in the alley out ...

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Johnny’s trip to school

Little Johnny and his friend were on their way to school one morning, late as usual they decided to take a shortcut and hop the fence of a back alley, Jonny went up and over the fence and then it was his friends turn. His friend slipped and landed with a fence post up his ass, Johnny tried to help h...

Always think before you answer!

A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.
He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint. He makes them go into a dark blind alley, tells them to get up against the wall, and makes them...

2 women are going for a bike ride.

They turn down an old alley way. one woman says to the other

"I've never come this way before."

the other woman says

"yeah, i think it's the cobble stones."

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A teacher is talking to her kids about covid 19.

She asks them if anyone can explain what germs are? Little Susie speaks up and says they're like little bugs that you can catch from other people that can make you sick.


The teacher says, that's perfect. Now can anyone tell me why we should wash our hands? Little Timmy excitedly raises...

My parents were shot and killed in an alley

feelsbatman

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hol...

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alley way

So a white man, a black man, and a mexican are walking down an alleyway and one of them accidentally knock over a trashcan and a genie comes out. The genie announces himself as the ratchet genie and grants each man 1 wish.

The mexican says "i wish that i and my fellow hispanics can all live p...

A drunk wandering around the alley at night...

(...) when in front of him appeared a nun, all dressed in nun clothes. The drunk then starts raging on the nun, kicking and punching her all over. When he finished her and knocked her out with a round house kick he looked down and screamed:

C'mon BATMAN! C'MON! REACT! LET's FIGHT!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walked down an alley in Belfast...

A thug jumped from the shadows and pointed a gun at him.

"Millie up, ya Croppy shite!" Said the thug. "I'll blast yer papist skull!"

"Bite the back o' me bullocks with that Blarney." Replied the Irishman. "I'm no Catholic, ya fookin eejit."

"Ha!" Said the thug. "Good craic! I tr...

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