Why did the frog jump under the lawn mower?

He wanted to Kermit suicide.

What do you call a blue bird who’s got run over by a lawn mower?

Shredded tweet



I’ll show myself out

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pa...

Tesla have just announced their new lawn mower

E Lawn

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Americans named George and Ted were vacationing in London one day. While Ted was using the bathroom at a restaurant, George saw two familiar-looking men enter the restaurant.

"Where have I seen you before?" asked George.

"You may have read our stories," replied one of the two men. "I'm Dr. John Watson, and this is my roommate, Sherlock Holmes, who is absolutely perfect at logic."

"Logic?" asked George. "What's that?"

"Tell me something about yourself...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

Did I tell you I ran over my mother-in-law's foot the other day with the lawn mower?

I told my wife we should have buried her deeper.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Boat for Sale!

Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower." Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher is talking to her kids about covid 19.

She asks them if anyone can explain what germs are? Little Susie speaks up and says they're like little bugs that you can catch from other people that can make you sick.


The teacher says, that's perfect. Now can anyone tell me why we should wash our hands? Little Timmy excitedly raises...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I use to work for a hardware store.

I was being trained by this older gentlemen and he was telling me that the job was all about the up sale. I told me to watch as he went up to someone buying grass seed.

"You should buy this new lawn mower too. You don't want to be cutting your nice new grass with an old lawnmower."

So...

Sales training!

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, “Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?”

The man asks, “Why woul...

I ran over ny neighbors foot with a lawn mower today...

Guess I need to bury him deeper.

Anyone can use my lawn mower at any time

Given that they don't leave my yard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John owned a Pizzeria with his buddy Harry.

But John wasn't satisfied with only making pizza every day. He wanted to study and walk a different path in life. So he decided to get back to school.

He told his buddy Harry that he would go see a consultant to talk about which subjects he should study.

The next day he went to meet wi...

A woman goes into a hardware store and picks up a hinge for a door.

A woman goes into a hardware store and picks up a hinge for a door.

She goes to the register to pay, and the guy behind the counter says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old general store owner needs some help in sales...

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid"
The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?"
again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, ...

A priest buys a lawn mower at a garage sale

Back at home, he pulls on the rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the garage sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started, says the man."

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lad goes for a job in Homebase.

Boss says "let me show you how its done."....... A customer walks in & asks for a packet of grass seed, the boss says "sir, when the grass grows you'll need shears, and after that you'll need a lawn mower." Customer says, "I never thought of that" & leaves having spent £200. "That's how its ...

I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.

“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hillbilly missed the first day of his deductive reasoning class...

...so he goes to the professor to get the gist of what he missed.

Professor: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a lawn mower?"

Hillbilly: "Yea I do."

P: "From that fact, I can guess that you have a lawn in which to use your lawn mower.".

H: "Well I'll be..."
...

New mower!

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cuttin the grass

A young man is walking past a general store and sees a "help wanted" sign. He goes in and applies for the job. As the shop owner has not had much luck finding a suitable employee he decides to give the young man a shot.

A customer walks in and the shop owner says watch me and do what i do. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Story of Jack

Jack was an Irish immigrant who came to America several years ago.

One day Jack goes to mow the lawn only to find the the lawn mower is broken. He tells his wife that he's going to billys house to ask if he can borrow his lawn mower.

"He wont lend ya the mower" says his wife.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, i used to work in a convenience store...

It's my first shift, and a gentleman comes in asking for nails, I sold some nails to him as my manager was watching

He said to me, mate, that's not how you do sales!! I'll show you how it's done

Before you know it another man comes in asking about some lawn seeds, he proceeds to show h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay Joke

John went to the bar, where he got chatting with another customer, his name was Adrian.

Adrian explained to John that he was a professor of Logic. John had never heard of this before so he asked for an explanation.

Well, said Adrian??Let me give you an example. Do you own a lawn mower?...

Band Jokes!

I'm a band geek and love terrible band jokes. Here are some of my favorites!

How do you get two piccolos to play in tune? Shoot one.

What is the best use for a clarinet? Kindling.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? You can tune a lawn mower.

What...

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room...

A man in overalls walks into the emergency room with the tips of his fingers missing.

"What happened to you?" Asked the Doctor as he began stitching him up.

"Well," the man replied, "I had to trim my bushes today, and I thought of a way to speed it up. Instead of using clippers, I he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you own a lawn mover?

Two Newfoundland fishermen, Robert and Peter, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Robert turns to Peter and says,"You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go down to the community college and sign up for some classes." Peter agrees that it's...

If a teacup holds tea and a coffee cup holds coffee then what does a peecup hold?

Three Mexicans, a lawn mower, two leaf blowers and a half dozen rakes will fit in a peecup (pickup with Spanish accent).

How did i get into the hospital:

When our lawn mower broke, my wife still reminded me to repair it. But I was still busy. There was always something else to do. My car, football, internet, fishing, friends, pub... Something more important for me. Finally she came with an idea she believed will work. When I came home yesterday, she ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.