UPJOKE
subwaymetroresistancesecretundercoversurreptitioustubecloak-and-daggerhugger-muggerhush-hushhole-and-cornertunnelcavecovertbeneath

What do you call a secret underground Soy Sauce smuggling ring??

A ponzu scheme!

Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in

Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma

Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?

3 Moles are traveling underground.

Daddy mole leading the way, followed by Momma and Baby mole.

Suddenly, Daddy mole stops, sniffs, and says, "MMM, I smell clover."

A few yards further Momma mole stops, sniffs, and says, "Ahhh, I smell honey."

After a few more minutes Baby mole has had enough. He yells towards t...

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

Two knights, Harold and George, had captured by trolls and taken to their underground liar.

The trolls leader told Harold and George that if the two fought each other without killing one another, they would both be let go, however, this would come at a price:

If Harold lost, he would have his hands cut off, while if George lost, he would have his feet cut off. And the winner would h...

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

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My grandfather told me how, during WW2 when my nation was under Nazi occupation, he was part of the underground resistance, managing to bring down several German aircraft, and killing many of the pilots.

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

What do you call bukkake in an underground bunker?

What do you call bukkake in an underground bunker?

...

...

...

Prepper spray

“Just hit my hand as hard as you can”

Two workers were digging underground at a construction site . It was really a tiring job.

Worker A: “Why the hell we need to do all the hard job here for only a meager pay, while that arrogant foreman just sits there sipping the tea so comfy, and pockets much more than us?”

Worker B, ...

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The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers...

#

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# POST REMOVED

# Rule 9 - Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

As I was driving underground with strangers, my wrist began to hurt

It must be carpool tunnel syndrome

A tourist on the London Underground asked me how to get to Heathrow via Barking.

So I pointed at a map and woofed...

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A story is told of a Londoner, a Jewish man who was riding on the London Underground reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same underground car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moishe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what di...

Did you hear about the blacksmith who ran an underground casino?

He who smelt it dealt it.

I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads.

I call it "Uneasy Rider".

Old Finnish WW2 joke

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.

British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.

"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.

"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.

Eh...

What would dwarves name a movie about an underground drinking tournament.

Need for Mead.

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When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

[An Old Joke from my Grandpa] An Indian Archeologist goes China to meet his Archeologist friend.

Chinese man takes him to his working site, After digging for a while they found some electrical wires buried underground.

Chinese Guy: (to the Indian guy) Look, these wires look ancient, Unlike you Indians, we Chinese were so advanced back then that we used electrical technologies.

Ind...

I started getting cramps and pains in my hands ever since I started taking a new road that goes underground on my way to work with a few co-workers.

It must be the carpool tunnel.

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

I recently started a recruitment agency that only deals with the underground mining industry.

It's called, Staff It Where The Sun Don't Shine.

The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave.

It's full of convex.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trapped underground in a collapsed mine.

After some exploring of the area, they come across three rations of canned food that they all agree will allow them to survive for a few more days. Naturally, they all decide that each of them should have one of the three cans of food; unfortunately, none of them possess anything with which to open...

I took the HOV lane underground, when suddenly my hands started cramping on the steering wheel.

Must be my carpool tunnel syndrome.

Someone asked me if I had ever noticed that I had a keen sense for being able to tell where water was underground...

I replied, "I'm well aware."

I’m deathly afraid of sharing a car with someone while driving through underground passages.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

They say Harriet Tubman escorted 300 slaves to freedom via the Underground Railroad...

If you do the math, that's only 180 people.

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Who's your favorite underground rapper?

Mine personally is XXXTENTACION

What’s green, comes from Mexico and goes underground?

A guaca mole

I'd been refusing to go exploring underground for months,

Eventually I caved.

I like music by underground artists

Like Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson, John Lennon, Bob Marley and Prince.

I discovered an underground fight club earlier.

Bloody troglodytes.

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My wife kept insisting that we try having sex underground

Eventually I caved.

A lot of people are afraid of getting buried underground...

...but that's really only a miner problem.

I’m thinking about starting an underground business selling human organs...

It’s gonna take a lot of guts.

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My friend works as a scientist where they have a giant underground ring which smashes cocktails together at very high speeds...

...it's called the Pina Collider.

A gambler walks into an underground casino with $100 in cash.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

I found out about this cool underground band called The Beatles.

Well actually only about half of them are underground at the moment.

My great-grandfather started up an underground distillery during Prohibition

It was a whiskey business

A dog got on the underground with me today.

Guess he's a subwoofer.

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

I WOULD tell you about the secret underground library...

But its very hush hush

A rabbi worked the criminal underground had to go on the run after a circumcision..

He would've been caught if he hadn't gotten that tip off.

What's The Incredible Hulk's favourite London Underground station?

Turnham Green!

I was talking to a hipster when he asked me my favorite underground artist.

I replied Whitney Houston

What do you call the underground slave trade?

The black market.

You don't joke about the London Underground at 8 am.

Full stop.

How was the guy in the underground water reservoir doing?

Well.

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad...

She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.

Did you hear about the little guy compelled to clap in time whenever he was on the Paris underground?

He was a Métro gnome.

My friend just told me he's opening up an underground water storage facility.

Oh, three of them, actually.
Well, well, well...

What do you call a Wookie war-cry on the London Underground?

Tube-haka

I used to have a life before I started serving drinks at underground clubs.

Now I'm behind bars.

Why do underground hackers report their income to the IRS?

They know how the system will react to sin tax errors

My doctor said to be careful when i drive underground with other people in the car

Otherwise i might get carpool tunnel syndrome

If you made a wall hanging out of cheap necklaces bought from the merch tables at small, underground rock concerts...

Would you have a Decoration of Indie Pendants?

An epileptic cop brakes up a drug ring in an underground night club.

It was a search and seizure.

Captain America loses his voice...

Captain America loses his voice due to a scheme concocted by Doctor Doom.

He tries everything. Dr Strange can't help because he doesn't detect any magic causing the problem. Reed Richards can't help, because the problem isn't explainable with science. After a barrage of failed attempts, even ...

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Hitler eventually proved his art school Teachers wrong , and DID become one of the greatest painters of all time...

It's just the he painted an underground bunker with his brains.

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An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

"My girlfriend? You wouldn't know her. She's a bit underground."

...said the hipster necrophiliac.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate potatoes before they were cool.

Why was he eating potatoes?

Because they’re so underground.

Murphy in London

Murphy found himself in the London underground subway station, at four o’clock in the morning. He walked along to the escalator, on the escalator it is written, “Dogs must be carried on the escalator.” he thought, “God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?”

What do Trump and Osama Bin Laden have in common?

They both hide underground from the American people. #bunkerboy

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I heard there's this amazing place underground...

...where you can have sex with miners.

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

My friends are like hidden treasure

3 feet deep underground

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