Going through the loft and found some Xmas presents from last year

A real shame about that dog for the kids...

Speaking of loft insulation

I had a man ring the bell the other day and ask if I was interested in getting felt up in the attic, so I punched him in the face and slammed the door.

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius co...

My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It’s a little drum attic.

I just went up into the loft to fetch the last of the Christmas presents down and realised I’d left a present I bought for my wife up there from last year, totally forgot about it...

It’s a real shame, she’d have loved that puppy.

Upon seeing a beautiful milkmaid, Thor appears before her in a flash of lightning...

Picking her up, he takes her to the hay loft where he proceeds to make ravenous love to her for thee days.

As the sun rose on the third day, he walked to the door and said "Woman! I must go. I have duties and I am Thor!"

To which she replied... "You're Thour? I'm not going to be able t...

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

Every time I enter my loft, something bad happens.

I call it problemattic.

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I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles

Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

I've just found a Christmas present for my daughter in the loft.

I'll take it up to her later.

Building yachts

I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

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An Ethical Dilemma

You are playing in the club championship knockout final and the match was all square at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple 7 iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it de...

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

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The tale of Paul and Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took p...

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

Timmy's April Fool's joke

The day is April 1st, and Timmy wanted to play an April Fool's joke on his mom.
His mom comes home from work, and Timmy rushes to her.

"Mommy! Mommy!" He says, frantically.

"What is it, Timmy?" She asks.

"Dad hanged himself in the garage!"

The mom screams, then rushes...

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Three tired travelers stumble across a farm as it is beginning to get dark...

Three tired travelers stumble across a farm as it is beginning to get dark. Exhausted, they decide to stop and ask if there is a place to sleep until morning. A friendly farmer answers the door and says they can sleep in the barn under one circumstance: Nobody is allowed to go up in the loft. The...

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A man isn't happy with the size of his... [long]

John has a date planned with a very attractive young lady in a few weeks, and he's a bit nervous.

You see, John is a fairly successful single man. He's got good looks, money, a luxurious loft apartment, and a convertible sports car. You can be sure that all of the ladies want him, but of all...

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