I had to buy a new lawnmower today.

My old one wasn’t cutting it.

What did the monkey say after his tail got caught in the lawnmower?

Won't be long now!

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I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist…

That’s the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up on a Saturday morning!

Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her...

I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?"

"He's going through a rough patch" she said...

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Do you own a lawnmower?

Two redneck friends, Jimbo and Billy Bob, wanted to go back to school, so they enrolled at the local community college and met with the dean of admissions. Jimbo is called in first.

Dean: "Well, I got the standard general education courses for you this coming semester, such as science and Eng...

Tesla to launch a new Electric lawnmower

It will be called e-Lawn!

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

A boy was outside trying to sell his lawnmower...

... a preacher rides along in this bike and sees the kid selling the lawnmower. He decides to ask the boys how much he wants for it.

"Well sir, what I really want is a new bike", says the boy.

The preacher thinks on it and asks him if he would be willing to trade the lawnmower for the ...

Something is wrong with my lawnmower— it only runs when it’s fully choked.

It is officially kinkier than I am!

92 year old Jim takes his pet duck to the vet.

Vet says, Hello Jim good to see you again, what's in the box?
Jim says it's my pet duck Bob. I accidentally hit him with the lawnmower.
Vet opens the box only to see the severed head of Jim's wife bearing all of the signs you would expect from a horrible lawnmower death. He closes the box and ...

What did the kinky lawnmower say to get turned on?

Choke me daddy

What's the difference between the Argentina national team and a lawnmower?

You can't run the lawnmower on choke for 95 minutes!

My neighbors all refer to me as “The Lawnmower Whisperer.”

Talking with lawnmowers is quite simple, actually. All you have to do is say, “¿Hola, cómo estás, Juan?

Poor dog

I'm so sad. Stupid me. Yesterday i drained all the old gas out of my lawnmower and left it in a bowl beside the garage. Next thing i know, my dog drank it all then started running high speed laps around yard. He does about five laps, then runs right up to me and looks me dead in the eye, rolls over ...

A priest is buying a used lawnwoer

\*lawnmower

He inspects it and asks owner how does it start. "Very simple, you pull the cord and if it doesn't start right away keep pulling and start swearing." The priest is shocked. "I'm a man of the cloth. I may have sworn when I was younger but by now I've forgotten how." "Oh don't worr...

What do you get when you cross a highway with a lawnmower?

Killed.

Lawnmower for sale

A little boy hears the doorbell and answers the door. The gentleman at the door says, "Hi, I'm here about the lawnmower that's for sale."

The little boy replies, "My parents aren't home right now, but it's in the garage if you want to look at it."

The man starts pulling the rope to mak...

I heard my lawnmower was going on a rampage...

It was going on a *grass*acre

[Grass acre, grass massacre](#spoiler)

What do you do when your lawnmower stops working?

Deport him

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What's the difference between a lawnmower and a hooker?

When I'm choking the lawnmower, I don't stick my dick in it.

Damn that lawnmower....

No matter how much I like a film, I can only give it one thumb up.

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So there are 2 farmers named Bob and Joe..

Bob never went to college, so one day he tells Joe he is going to enroll at the local university to get an education.

The next day Bob meets with the Dean of the university, and the Dean signs bob up for 4 classes.

Science, Math, Literature and Logic.

“Logic? What’s that?” Bob...

Careful who you loan em to...

I never let anyone borrow my car, my lawnmower, or my wife... cause someone’s liable to slip a rod in all three of them

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Logic

Bob and bill are at a bar drinking and talking.

Bob: I have been taking this new class at the local university lately. The class is called logic.

Bill: tell me more

Bob: ok let me give you an example. Do you have a lawnmower?

Bill: yes

Bob: so that means you ha...

A new employee on his first day working at Walmart.

A new employee is being trained on the first day of his job. His supervisor explains to him how to do his job.

“The trick is to lead customers to products based on what they want. Let me demonstrate.”

A customer approaches and explains that he needs something for his garden, and the tr...

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I use to work for a hardware store.

I was being trained by this older gentlemen and he was telling me that the job was all about the up sale. I told me to watch as he went up to someone buying grass seed.

"You should buy this new lawn mower too. You don't want to be cutting your nice new grass with an old lawnmower."

So...

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

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A woman buys a picture frame from the Hardware Store.

The store man says, would you like a screw for that?

She replies, "No, but I'd suck your cock for a Lawnmower!"

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

I bought the wife some new vibrators for christmas.

A washing machine, a dishwasher and a lawnmower.

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I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

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A 16 year old boy gets a new job in a big wholesale store.

On his first day of work the manager takes him to one side and tells him to watch what he does with the next customer who walks in. A man comes over and asks if they sell grass seeds. The manager replies “We do sir yes” and then comes back with the seeds. He then says “And how long would you like yo...

A Mexican with a raging erection walks into a wall. What part hits the wall first?

The lawnmower.

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A mexican with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?

His lawnmower.

A Jew with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?
His nose.

A thai woman runs into a wall, what does he break?
Her boner.

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Logic at the Community College

Looking for a little knowledge, Jimmy walks into his local community college and asks the admissions clerk on duty what classes are being offered. The clerk tells Jimmy there is a logic course starting up soon.
"Logic?" Asks Jimmy, "what's that?"
"Logic is real easy, let me explain it this way...

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So, i used to work in a convenience store...

It's my first shift, and a gentleman comes in asking for nails, I sold some nails to him as my manager was watching

He said to me, mate, that's not how you do sales!! I'll show you how it's done

Before you know it another man comes in asking about some lawn seeds, he proceeds to show h...

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Just heard this joke from my dad: A newly hired salesman in a department store is being taught by his manager how to handle sales...

The manager tells him that he'll help the first customer, and show him how to make the most of a sales opportunity, and then he'll let him try.

A customer walks in, so the manager approaches him and says: "Good evening, sir! How may I help you?"

"I'd like to buy some grass seeds.", say...

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Garage sale

A preacher and his wife go garage sale hunting one Saturday morning.As the wife looks around the preacher notices a nice looking push lawnmower for $20.He asks the man at the garage sale what's wrong with it.$20 is a steal if it works.The man said it works great if you can get it started but you got...

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A salesman is being trained on his first day at Walmart

A salesman is being trained on his first day at Walmart, and his mentor is teaching him how to upsell. A customer walks in and asks where he can find a new blade for his lawnmower. The mentor says, “No one sells that kind of blade anymore so you might as well buy a new lawnmower, but fortunately w...

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Cuttin the grass

A young man is walking past a general store and sees a "help wanted" sign. He goes in and applies for the job. As the shop owner has not had much luck finding a suitable employee he decides to give the young man a shot.

A customer walks in and the shop owner says watch me and do what i do. He...

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Doggone it.

Little Jamie asked her dad, “Daddy? Can I please, please take our doggie for a walk around the block?”

Dad thought for a moment. Their dog was “in heat” and he really didn’t want to let her out of the yard. Any male dog would pick up the scent. But Jamie was being so sweet.

“Um...o...

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An old general store owner needs some help in sales...

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid"
The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?"
again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, ...

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

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Boudreau goes huntin'

There was these two Louisiana Cajuns on the bayou.

One morning Leroy saw Boudreau in his boat floating down the bayou with a lawnmower in it. "Hey Boudreau the hell you gon do with that lawnmower?" "This here's a John Deere and I'm going deer huntin!"

Leroy shakes his head at Boudreau...

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