UPJOKE
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TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I didn't report it to the police because he was spending way less than her.

So I increased the credit limit.

My doctor warned me one of the side effects of my new medication was an increased urge to gamble

I told her I’d bet $50 that wouldn’t happen to me.

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

Due to increased fuel costs and because electric cars are so expensive, legislators voted today to reintroduce horse and buggy

The vote failed: one yea, 35 neigh

The shop I normally go to to blow up my balloons has increased their price by 50%

That's inflation for you.

Why did the guy who can't spell very well get excited when he read about the new law that was passed allowing increased grain exports from women-owned companies?

Because they were barley legal.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

What happens if we increased earth’s gravity?

Sadly, everyone will be so down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

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Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

“You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’...

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier

But with more body

My boss said I was going to see a big increase on my Payslip this month...

... He increased the font size.

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

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Easily accessible porn is causing increased cases of erectile dysfunction in younger populations...

Its a growing problem.

The popularity of origami has increased

ten fold.

Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology

Especially the RAM part.

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The sex position 69 will now be called 96

This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.

Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%!

It’s Dublin

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Two economists are walking in a forest when they come across a pile of shit.

The first economist says to the other “I’ll pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit.” The second economist takes the $100 and eats the pile of shit.

They continue walking until they come across a second pile of shit. The second economist turns to the first and says “I’ll pay you $100 to eat tha...

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?



one to issue the requisition form LB24, one to sign the work order DF69, three to consult with management and reject both forms as not applicable to maintenance as per regulations. Seventeen to form a fact finding committee to discuss the overuse of LB24,after ten months of debate, there wi...

Ever since learning the meaning of the word exponentially my use of the word exponentially has increased

loads

School shootings in the U.S. have only increased in frequency in the past few years

Between the increased interest in photography class and the heroin epidemic, I've lost enough friends

Me: I can’t believe it increased by 1500%.

Professor: I’m sick of hearing about BITCOIN! Nothing can increase by that much and still be a good investment.

Me: I was talking about the price of college tuition since 1980...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced....

That's why people with no sense of humour, have an increased sense of importance.

In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.

I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

A man in his mid forties brought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW", he thought to himself and increased the speed even further.

The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally the reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from ...

Handgun owners have a 2% increased rate of suicide.

If we could get that up to 10%, Democrats stand a chance in 2020.

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

Realizing that the AT-AT doesn't have enough armor around the back, the Empire released a new batch with increased armor...

and called them the PHAT-ATs

Side effects may include increased or decreased intelligence, headaches, red eyes, loss of sleep, drowsiness, suicidal thoughts, narcolepsy, unsuppressed crying, and death.

Ask your doctor if you should take school today.

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