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Gained Jokes

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

What do you call a "Gulf and Western" singer who's gained way too much weight?

Jimmy Hit the Buffett



What do you call a band that agrees with anything?



Yes.



What do you call a band that you don't know any of the members?



The Who?



What do you call a band that likes to play childish games?



...

When do you know when your girlfriend has gained weight?

When she fits into your wife’s clothes.

When my father got remarried to that Mongolian woman, I gained a new sibling

A steppe brother

Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately.

Goodbye, normal jeans.

I hear a lot of dads gained weight during lockdown

Dads are always good at putting on spare tires!

Christian Bale gained 40lbs for a role.

Big deal, I gained over 50lbs from multiple rolls.

An old millionaire is asked how he gained his wealth...

He says: "When I was a young man in the middle of the Great Depression, all I had was five cents. With that five cents, I bought an apple, shined and scrubbed it all day, and at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents. With the ten cents, I bought two apples, scrubbed and shined them all day, an...

Found out my wife gained weight...

When she sat on my face I couldn't hear the stereo anymore...

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

Someone asked me what I gained by going on Reddit everyday.

I replied, "Weight."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently gained the power to make others crap themselves.

Ever since then, everybody has been losing their shit.

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

I gained about 400 pounds in one night

And all I had to do was rob some British guy

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

baby gained twenty pounds in a week

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

The Genesis members have gained weight lately.

They're Gettin Fatter By The Pound.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

One of Roald Dahl's characters gained weight and started writing rap music.

Notorious BFG.

They used to call me fat, but then I gained another 66% with soft drinks.

Now they call me fanta.

We lost a planet but gained a zodiac sign.

I guess that's a good constellation prize.

Women gained the right to vote 100 years ago to the day...

yet they still can't cast a vote on what they want for dinner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lost 130lbs & gained a new life. Soon I'll be rolling in pussy!

Girlfriend is gone now, but she left her pregnant cat behind on the bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife recently pointed out to me all the weight I’ve gained. She like “you can’t even see your penis anymore”

I’m like “thats not true, I caught a glans the other day.”

I decided to bake every letter of the alphabet, when my first pastry gained sentience. It was very excited to be able to think and reason.

I guess it's a happy caked A for me!

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

A man learned that every time he reposted a joke on Reddit, he gained a year to live.

He was already immortal.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

Wife told husband that she has gained a lot of weight lately and wants to lose weight

Husband: There's a very effective weight loss patch. You'll lose 10 pounds in one week. The most important thing is that it's really cheap.

Wife: Oh wow! I need to have one. Where do you apply the patch?

Husband: On your mouth.

The strange case of albinism

An American anthropologist has been studying a tribe in Africa by living with them for a year.

One day, the chief called him into the chief's hut.

The chief sighed. "Well, my friend, it seems that we must ask you to leave." The anthropologist was surprised by this; he thought he had ...

I've started a diet where I only eat my toddlers' leftover food.

I've gained 10 pounds

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

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