UPJOKE
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Fr Jokes

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

J_fr_y _pst_in

Anyone wanna play hangman

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3 things are fr certain in life

Death

Taxes

Someone giving you shit about misspelling your title on a Reddit post

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept...

Stats show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

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Little Johnny is in grade two class when the teacher says, "Okay boys and girls, today we are going to learn a new word."

She writes the word on the chalkboard and asks, "Who knows how to say our new word?"
Little Johnny, who is sitting in the back, puts his hand up and yells, "Oh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me!"
The teacher knows Little Johnny is a troublemaker, and he will probably say something silly, s...

In first place, this joke needs a cup to work

In second place, France

France just made a 2 letter abbreviation for their country

Oh, fr?

There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

The Tea of the Tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!

You know what a freudian slip is?

It’s when you mean to say one thing, but then you say ~~your mother~~ another.

Steve Irwin would still be alive today if he put on sunscreen

It protects you from harmful rays

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Control Freak.

Control fr--

Now you say control freak who!

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Bizarre Facts no One Knows

1. Most humans were born on their birthday
2. The distance from the Earth to the Sun is the same exact distance from the Sun to the Earth
3. A normal skeleton has enough bones to make an entire skeleton
4. If you took out all your veins and laid them out end to end, you would die.
5. The...

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.


She shouted at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

One day, a French, a German, and an Italian spy were captured.

The kidnappers grab the French spy, drag him into the next room, and bind his hands behind a chair.

They then torture him for two hours until he finally cracks, answers all questions, and uncovers all of his secrets.

The kidnappers then grab the German spy.

In the next room, t...

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gotta love the irish:)

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she...

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The confessional.

There was a parish church in a secluded village. The village feast was coming and usually it gets very busy. The only priest, fr.steve, responsable for the church was getting old and decided he needed help for this one.

So he got a young new priest to help him from the priest college.
...

Li(f)e Clocks

A man died & went to Heaven. As he stood in front of The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.
He asked: "what are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied: "Why, those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has one. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
Th...

Me: “Mom, meet my girlfriend.”

Mom: “Are you sure about this? You deserve better!”

Me: “But Mom, I love her so much…”

Mom: “I was talking to her…”

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

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A chemistry professor is giving his final exam...

... he says on the friday before the final, "If you miss the final you have to have a great excuse for missing the final next monday." Two students decide to study together all weekend so all friday night they study, all saturday morning and night they study, then they study all sunday morning and d...

This is a little self-indulgent, but I'm a high school teacher and I just compiled some one-liners from the past year or so

[They can be found here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XWPHTS7bAcbKV5GsL3Vhx7gUmm0DnFr-aOutUtV8LRM/edit?usp=sharing)

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finall...

Best birthday present ever?

An old lady with 3 very successful children was celebrating her 100th birthday, and all the kids got her incredible gifts.

The first child got her a $200,000 limousine with a driver so she can go around town.

The second child got her a $1,000,000 yacht so she can spend her days on the ...

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Three dogs are chasing after a sexy poodle.

^^inb4 ^^flurries

Three dogs are chasing after a poodle because they desire her. They chase her down a few back alleys, and upon cornering her in a dead end, the poodle proposes something to the three.

"The one who can make me laugh with a joke shall be my lover."

Easy enough, r...

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

Halloween Joke

This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he’s just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.

The host says to him, “Dude, this is a Halloween party! You’re supposed to be wearing a costume?”

The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I’m a snail!”...

A minister and a taxi driver . . .

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this loudly dressed man, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or ...

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

"The child returned to the sun"

Around 1250, a merchant leaves France for a 2 years trip to the middle-east. When he comes back, his unfaithful wife had a son with a handsome young man of the city. Upon coming back home, the merchant sees the baby, who is obviously too young to be his own. He asks his wife: "My dear wife, please t...

How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris?

No one knows, it's never been done before

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