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Healer Jokes

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I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,

even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!

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The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The h...

The TV Healer

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set...

The Spiritual Healer

One day a traveling religious healer came to a small town. He promised that through the power of the Lord he could cure any ailment no matter how severe.

That night the town gathered in the town square to see a huge stage with a long white curtain and a large golden cross. The healer aske...

A blind man, paraplegic, and deaf man visit a healer on a mountain.

The blind man goes up the trail using his white cane. Arriving at the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his cane off the mountain and comes back down.

The paraplegic goes up the mountain with great difficult and asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his wheelchair off the m...

The Miracle Healer

A miracle healer is demonstrating his gift. A woman with a broken arm in a sling comes up to him. The healer says “I lay my hand on your arm. You are healed! Go forth!”

The woman takes her arm from her sling and finds it works perfectly fine!

Next a man with a broken neck in a brace co...

The Ancients spoke of a wise healer who hated to be hugged. He lived by one rule.

Don't squeeze the shaman.

So a couple go to a spiritual healer...

...and they ask him to cure their illnesses. The healer says he will, but they must put their hand on the part of their body they want healed.

The wife proceeds to put her hand on her throat, as she has had a sore throat which won't go away. Looking at his wife, the husband then proceeds to ...

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A distressed woman visits a healer...

"Please, you have to help me. Every day when my husband comes home from work, he beats the shit out of me. I don't know what to do anymore."

The healer says: "You see, in every man's soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger....

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A spiritual healer named Lee...

...ducked into an alley to pee.
He pissed in the eye,
Of some blind homeless guy,
Who cried, "holy shit! I can see!"

A man visits a show of Amanda, the famous psychic and healer.

During the show Amanda walks to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and exclaims:

"You WILL walk!"

He says softly "But I'm fine, my legs already work."

She gestures dramatically and exclaims once more:

"YOU! WILL! WALK!"

The man decides to just play along, gets u...

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Faith healer visits a small town

And sets up a prayer meeting. All the faithful are there and are ready for a miracle.

One man hobbles up and says "I've been lame since I was a boy. Can I be healed?"

The preacher says "All who believe will be healed. Now go behind the curtain"

Another man walks up and says...

I went to see a faith healer last night

I wasn’t expecting much as I don’t believe in that sort of thing. I was right though, he was awful. It was so bad, even the bloke at the front in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

In Greek mythology, Chiron is half horse, half man, as well as an accomplished healer....

This makes him the Centaur for Disease Control.

What do you call it when your party healer accidentally heals the wrong person?

A clerical error.

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

Erectile Dysfunction

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an traditional healer, who was well known to have a very good naturopathic cure for erectile dysfunction!

As he despised western medicine, believing the conspiracy theo...

Wizard

A man comes into a bar and orders a beer.
He lets out a deep sigh, which prompts the bartender to ask if he’s okay. The man says to the bartender: «I’m afraid I’m turning into some kind of wizard.»

«How would you know?» asks the bartender.

«Well, I’ve worked in a bakery making san...

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So old man Charles is lying on his deathbed.

His great nephew Peter comes to see him, and Charles gets to talking about his life and rambling on, like old men do.

He points out the window and says "Pete, you see that road out there? I built that road myself before there was a town here. I cleared the forest, I leveled the land, I laid t...

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

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The Hermit

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a hermit who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been know...

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

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