You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

I went to see my GP because I have a fear of palindromes.

**He prescribed me xanax**

I got a Bonnie Tyler GPS

It's rubbish.
It keeps telling me to turn around.
And every now and then it falls apart.

I recently found out my GPS can point out potential wildlife threats

It always tells me "bear left"

I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.

There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,

"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""

I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

I told my brother, "I went to the GPS repair shop for the first time ever."

How did you find it?" he asked.

I said, "With difficulty."

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

I was showing my friend my new golf ball.

I was showing my friend my new golf ball.
"It's impossible to lose," I said. "If you hit it into the rough it sends out a GPS signal so you can track it down."
"That's great," he replied, "but what happens if you it hit into the water?"
"Simple. The ball floats to the surface and tracks its...

The GP calls Jeffrey into his office.

Jeffrey says: ‘I slept with my girlfriend’s sister and I’m afraid I have an STD.’

‘Don’t worry’ says the doctor ‘we all make mistakes.’

Yeah I know but that’s not the biggest problem, I think I passed on to my girlfriend.’

‘Dammit so now we all have it!!’

What do you call an alligator with a GPS?

What do you call an alligator with a GPS?


A Navi-Gator!

What do you call a mexican gps?

Juan Direction

When using Waze as GPS, if you drive by an accident where someone died, do you mark that down as an 'accident', or as 'roadkill'?

I know, too dark...

What is a Audit?

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

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Where would we be without GPS’s?

No fucking clue.

I just bought a U2 GPS system for my car

But it's useless. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

My wife is horrible with GPS navigation...

I think it's because, she hates being told what to do

My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.

It has a bad latitude.

I love having a GPS...

Because now I have two women telling me how to drive.

-my dad ladies and gentlemen

I got myself a seniors GPS

Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

I asked my American friend what GPS means

He replied "Guns per School

What do you call your GPS if it has the voice of Terry Crews?

Crews Control.

I can't find the army base, so I've typed the address into my GPS.

Apparently I need to go left, left, left, right, left.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him:

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 m...

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My new Fleetwood Mac GPS is shit.

It just keeps telling me to go my own way.

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Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

City Man Visits the Farm

A farmer's sister and her husband come and visit from the city. After unpacking the husband asks the farmer what he is planning to do.

"Wait," the husband says let me guess, "You are going to jump in your tractor, program the GPS, turn on the AC, crank up the radio and cruise around all day....

changed my voice settings to Spanish on my gps

it told me i didn't have enough people in the car

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

Honey you're like my GPS...

I'd be lost without you.

My wife's grandfather told me this one infront of 2 nurses his wife and my now motherinlaw in hospital when we went to visit and announce our engagement.

Gp- "So you know what ro do when she (wife) annoys you right?... bend her over your knee, pull her pants down. And you'll forget why you were annoyed."

A C-130 was being deployed from Peterson AFB, Colorado

An hour into the flight, the plane began losing altitude. Acting quickly, the pilot decided it was necessary to airdrop items to be tracked down later in order to reach the nearest airport.

First to go was the Base Commander's new Humvee. Next was a large crate of MREs. Finally, a crate of t...

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

How is an easily-offended person like a broken GPS?

They always take things the wrong way.

I had to change my GPS's voice from female to male

because the female GPS told me to pull over and ask for directions.

My gps got me lost today so I got angry and told it to go to hell.

I just arrived at my mother in law's house.

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[request] There used to be so many good jokes about men refusing to ask for directions or consult maps when driving. Now GPS is insanely popular. Someone please connect these two things and make it funny.

Personally I hate GPS in the car because it skews your perspective and makes me lose what little innate bearings I have. I'd much rather study a big analog map prior to getting in the car. In the 80's, and probably prior to that, men were commonly the butt of jokes for getting lost for being too pro...

The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it...

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I was siting at the bar trying to forget a bad day...

I was siting at the bar trying to forget a bad day when the barman asked me if I knew the Great Pedro. Well barman, let me tell you about my day first.

I was riding my donkey towards the town, minding my own business, when this huge fella coming in the other direction gestured me to stop.
...

Medical Checkup

GP: You have too much sugar in your diet. I recommend swapping desserts for appetisers. They’re much better for you nutritionally.

Patient: Ugh do I have to?

GP: Doctor’s hors d’oeurves.

Four Friends Are Out Golfing When One Of The Guys Exclaims He Has A Golf Ball That Is Impossible To Lose.

“What if you hit it in the water?” asks the first guy.
“The ball floats”
“What happens when you pound it into the deep woods?” asks player #2.
“It has a GPS and I can track it with my cell phone.”
“What about late evening golf when sunset has past?” ask the third player.
“The ba...

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Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

(based on a thread over in r/TeslaMotors)

Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also p...

There's a saying in Korea that a man should listen to the voices of three women.

Their mother, their wife, and the GPS lady.

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

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Kenny Rodgers has a problem. [OC]

Kenny Rodgers is convinced his wife is having an affair with their GP.
Every time she comes back home, she's much more sprightly, excitable and quivers to the touch.
Being a man that's fairly vanilla in the bedroom, seldom trying to spice things up and the missionary position's best friend, he...

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[nsfw] An old man walks into his doctors...

... and heads to the reception desk, and asks to see his GP.

"Certainly sir, but first tell me the problem so I can add it to the notes"

Loudly, he proclaims "It's my cock!"

"Sir please! There are women and children here! Please avoid using such language! Get out of here, and co...

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This guy walks into a Mercedes agency and asks for the top executive model.

Money is not an issue, but the car has to have everything installed. And he means EVERYTHING he is not joking. The company goes and install usb sockets for each passenger, a blue tooth operated coffee machine (with proper grinder, not that bullshit with capsules), a GPS tracking got each wheel and t...

An elderly lady dials 911.

"Help! Someone's stolen everything in my car," the lady says. "My radio, my windshield, my GPS, even my steering wheel!"

Shortly after, an officer walks up to the car and talks to his radio. "Disregard that last call," the officer said. "She just got in the back seat."

Werner Heisenberg just unveiled a new car...

It comes with a GPS or a speedometer, but not both.

Flying Blind

A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.

The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and te...

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An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.)

I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol' handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he ...

I was asked to play guitar and sing for a homeless man's funeral...

The service was going to be held out in the middle of nowhere, and when I was on the way my gps got me lost. When I finally found the cemetery, it was too late, the cemetery workers were already digging the hole. I decided to sing my heart out to this homeless guy, after all he probably had no famil...

A long day at the hospital

After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:

- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all...

Asked my doctor for a blood test

I went to see my doctor to have some blood tests. I've always been wanting to get this one test done, but it's really uncommon, so I made sure to ask my doctor for it as politely as possible. However, when I asked him to test my Midi-chlorian count, he said: "you're gonna have to force me to". Kinda...

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The cat.

This is the story of a normal married couple with a cat.

The husband was getting sick of having this lazy cat around. All the cat did was scratch up their awesome furniture, cough up hairballs, sit on his face, you know... normal cat shit

So one day the husband says 'screw this im get...

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