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Dr Jokes

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip

After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks "Watson, what do you see?" Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: "I see millions and millions of stars."
"Correct, Watson, and what do...

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!


I’ll see myself out






Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...

Thanks for the gold and silvers!

Happy New Years y’all!

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife died.

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"
...

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old man goes to the Dr....

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as cl...

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

Dr. Frankenstein enters in a bodybuilding competition

Dr. Frankenstein enters in a bodybuilding competition and finds out he has seriously misunderstood the objective

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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

Dr Strange: Knock knock.

**Dormammu:** Who's there?

**Dr Strange:** Door mom.

**Dormammu:** Door mom who?

**Dr Strange:** I've come to bargain.

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house.

"It’s Dr. Gold," says his wife, passing him the phone, "I do hope it’s not another emergency."

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, "Hi, what’s up?"

"Don’t worry, everything’s OK," replies Dr. Gold. "It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game...

My dr told me I have the peekaboo virus

He sent me to the eye see you!

What kind of doctor was Dr. Huxtable on the Cosby Show?

Anesthesiologist

Dr. Visit

A girl goes in for a check-up, at a local Doctor's office. During the course of the exam he gets out his stethoscope and says "Big Breaths now". She replies "Yeth, I'm only thixteen!"

How does Dr. Frankenstein keep track of his body parts?

He uses an organ-izer.

Dr. Anthony Fauci Proves his Manhood

It's 2020, the pandemic is raging, and the White House is not happy with what Dr. Fauci has been saying on certain news stations. The argument has devolved from being fact-based to Trump calling Fauci's manhood into question. After getting wind of what the Oval Office has been calling him, Fauci r...

I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon….

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

A Dr. Of marine biology was inspired to create a new beverage.

Dr. Marcus Opor, renowned marine biologist and ocean sustainability expert, experimented with a brewed beverage with skipjack tuna as its primary ingredient. He spent years alternating its composition, striving for a balance of savory and rich ocean flavors. At last, he perfected his "tea", and was ...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up and asks “tell me, Watson, what do you observe?”

Watson replies “it is a clear, cloudless sky. To the east I see the constellation of Orion whereby I can trail the handle of the plough pointing to Polaris, the North Star. As my eyes adjust to ...

What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?

Human Resources

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Dr.Watson has constipation

*watson returns home after a visit to th doctor*


Sherlock: " So was I right about your stomach issues."


Watson: " Yeah no shit Sherlock!"

Today I learned that Dr. Seuss’ mom was a pioneer in physiotherapy.

Ma Seuss.

Patient...Dr can you please help me I keep waking up thinking I'm Tom Jones. Is this normal ???

Dr ... It's not unusual

Why did the police search Dr. Huxtable’s vehicle?

They had probable Cosby.

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"...

Dr. In Heaven (Long)

A world famous heart surgeon had a massive heart attack and suddenly found himself in heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter and was warmly welcomed.
After touring heaven he noticed that for every thing in heaven, there was a long line of people waiting to get in. Movies-line, bathro...

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected...

I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today

Luckily I’m not hurt, it was a soft drink

Guy Goes To The Dr. Complaining Of Headaches

The doc tells him, "When I get headaches I go home and just grab my wife and we make mad passionate love."

Guy comes back the next week and the doc asks how it worked out. The guy says, "Great! Best advice I ever had.", then adds, " By the way doc, you got a nice house."

Retiring Dr.

A doctor who delivered thousands of babies over his career is finally retiring. He had an odd habit but whenever he circumcised a baby boy he would throw the foreskin in a large gallon jar of formaldehyde. As he is cleaning out his office there sits this large Jar and he begins to think "What can I...

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I...

Cute repartee from "Dr. Katz"

The good doctor is between clients, and Laura, the administrative assistant, walks into his office. Dr. Katz is lying on his patients' couch and this surprises her.

"I've just never seen you on the couch before," she says.

"Well," Dr. Katz says, "I was just in a reflective mood, and ...

What do you call the Dr. Scholls conveyor belt used for cutting materials to various foot sizes?

*insert punchline*

Why does Dr. Dre make headphones?

Beats me.

I took me forever to learn what Tl;dr meant.

All the explanations were too long; so I didn't read them.

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

Where will you always find a Dr. inside a Maid

Madrid

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

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So this guy goes to the Dr.

And the Dr says "You have to stop masturbating."

the guy says "Why?"

And the Dr says "Because I'm trying to examine you."

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

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Man walks into Dr.’s office

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He is completely nude and wrapped in cellophane. He says “Doctor, doctor, Please help me! There’s something wrong with me….”

The doctor stops, looks him up and down, and responds “ah yes, I can clearly see your nuts”.

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.

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Dr. Exam

Mrs. Murphy went to the doctor. When her husband came home, instead of being in the kitchen cooking his dinner, he found her naked in their bedroom admiring herself in a mirror.

"What did the doctor say?"

"He told me I have amazing breasts."

"And what did he say about your big...

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What was Dr. Frankenstein's dog's name?

Scraps

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”

Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a ...

My Dr said the prostate exam can cause erections in some men

Turns out he wasn't talking about the patient.

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Dr. Visit

An old man goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the old man is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "I need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor an...

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

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Dr. Watson approached the infamous detective and informed him about his uncomfortable state of prolonged constipation.

"No shit, Sherlock.'

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

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My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

What do Dr. Phil and your bedroom have in common?

It's a safe place to talk about hard things.

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Mom takes her 3 sons to the dr.

Dr gives them the yearly physical. Results come in, low iron. Dr prescribes iron tablets.

A week later the youngest son comes up to his mom with a problem. She asks what it is. The son says he's peeing bb's. Mom says thats fine, I put more iron in your diet.

Two weeks later the middle ...

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

What was Dr. Frankenstein’s favourite hobby?

Bodybuilding...

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

Told the Dr I just can’t grow any taller

She says I will have to be a little patient.

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

The Mandalorian visited the Dr

The Mandalorian visited the Dr and they got into an argument because Mando wouldn't take his armor off when he got on the scale. He pointed to the scale and said, "this is the weight." The know it all doctor pointed to the armor and said, "no this is the weight." The nurse was called to show Mando t...

Dr: “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”

Dr: “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”
Pt: “Give me the worse news first”
Dr: “You have cancer”
Pt: “Oh no! What’s the bad news?”
Dr: “You also have Alzheimer’s”
Pt: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer”

What do you get when you mix Dr. Seuss with George Michael?

Green Eggs and Wham!

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

Why did the birthday cake go to see the Dr?

It felt crumby!

(PS I like this joke because it taught me how to spell crumby)

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I got a talking Dr. Oz doll!

You press the button and it goes *Quack Quack Quack.*

Did you know dr pepper was based off a real doctor?

He was a fizzican

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Dr visits an Indian Tribe

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go...

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Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having sex with a young girl...

Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having sex with a young girl and says:
Sherlock, what are you doing? This girl looks like she's in middle school.
Sherlock: Elementary, dear Watson.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Dr. Feelgood

I was using this new telemed procedure with my General Practitioner this morning and he wanted to give me a routine physical. Everything was going just fine and dandy until he showed me how to test my reflexes by tapping on his knee with a little hammer.

Unfortunately, I only had a 15-pound s...

Dr. Punster, M.D.

Me: This is cerebrospinal fluid leaking out of my nose, isn't it?

Doctor: No, it's not!

Looking for a good eye Dr.

I can’t see mine any more

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

Dr joke I just made up

A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the youn...

Dr. Dre was arrested at a grocery store today.

He dropped too many beets.

My eye Dr. is an Eskimo

I guess you could say I'm seeing an optical Aleutian

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

How does one defeat Dr. Manhattan?

...with an apple of course!

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

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Dr. Appointment

I had a physical a couple of weeks ago, and the doctor asked pretty basic questions.
Do you smoke?
Only in Colorado.
Do you drink?
Only on nickel shot night.
How much per week do you work out
I asked her if sex counts
She looked up from his clipboard, sighed, flashed back t...

I hope Dr. Dre is doing okay.

I would hate it if he thought that we forgot about him.

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Dr Visit

My Doctor told me that I had to stop masturbating. I asked her "Why". She said "Because I'm trying to do an exam here!"

(Now I need to find a new dentist)

I don't really get this whole TL;DR thing.

I don't really get this whole TL;DR thing.



TL;DR: I don't really get this whole TL;DR thing.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decide to go camping.

They pack their camping gear into the car and drive into the countryside. After a long drive and a light dinner they pitch their tent, climb inside, and are soon fast asleep in their sleeping bags.

In the middle of the night Sherlock shakes Watson awake. He points to the full moon and says, "...

What would you call Dr Frankenstein if he were made of fruit

A peach cobbler!

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Man walks into a Dr.’s office with a duck on his head. Dr. says, “May I help you?”

Duck says, “Yeah – get this guy off my butt!”

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

Finally started watching "Dr Who"

it's about time

People say Elon Musk is a mad scientist. Do you think he relates to Dr. Jekyll?

Because I've always heard he benefited from having a part Hyde.

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

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Dr. Visit for a colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. ...

Dr Livingston I presume

Livingston was tramping through the African jungle when he came upon a woman from an local tribe.  Livingston said to her; Ubangi?  She said; Ubetcha.

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A man with an asshole this ( ) big goes into a Dr....

The Dr, puzzled asks how the man ended with an asshole that (..................) big. The man calmly replies that he fucked with an elephant.

The Dr. doesn't believe him and asks again but the man replies the same thing.

"Come on sir", says the Dr. "as a student of medicine I'm intere...

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