What did Harvey Dent do after he got out of prison?

He became a dentist...

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

Did you hear that Steve Harvey and his wife got into a fight?

It was a family feud

Katie Price and Peter Andre are in a custody battle for Harvey

Eventually one of them will lose, and have to keep him

I want to make a joke about hurricane Harvey

But I am scared my inbox will be flooded

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

What’s the difference between Thor and Lee Harvey Oswald?

Oswald actually went for the head

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everybody is saying Harvey Weinstein is the worst person in history, but I think they're forgetting that Hitler is the worst person in history

I mean if he finished what he started, we wouldn't have to deal with Weinstein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harvey Weinstein is so fat...

He's the only person in Hollywood that hasn't seen his dick.

He got #meethree'd

Hurricane Harvey is no joke.

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Every Half Dollar is Lee Harvey Oswald

Cus each one has a headshot of Kennedy

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton

any second now

What's the difference between "To Catch a Predator" and Harvey Weinstein?

One stars molesters, while the other molests stars.

I hear Harvey Weinstein's call sheet has been blowing up lately.

Apparently the Republican Party wants him to run for President.

What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious Basterds.

What do Hurricane Harvey and Harvey Weinstein have in common?

They are both massive bodies that devastated countless victims.

What is the difference between Hurricane Harvey and Harvey Weinstein?

Hurricane Harvey actually made its victims wet.

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"

God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor ...

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

How many Harvey Weinsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?

That light bulb will change itself right in front of him if she knows what's good for her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the big ball of hydrogen and helium give Harvey Weinstein a blowjob?

Because he said he would make her a star!

Is it too soon to say a Hurricane Harvey joke

Or should I just wait for everything to blow over?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

A man dies and meets God

God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything."

The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?"

God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle"

The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thoug...

Growing up in the film industry, Harvey Weinstein was a huge influence for me.

He really touched me.

Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.

Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.

What's the difference between Harvey Weinstein and EA?

EA only sticks their hands in your pants if you have money in your pockets.

Harvey Weinstein was a driving instructor before becoming a film producer

He was teaching one of his first students, an attractive young girl, how to drive. He said,

‘lift your left leg off the clutch to start moving.’

A few minutes later, he said,

‘lift your right leg off the accelerator to let the car slow down.’

The girl asked him,
...

What does Hurricane Harvey and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They will both blow the entire coast just to get on TV.

What do Harvey Weinstein and Macy’s have in common?

Little boys pants, half off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really liked Harvey Weinstein’s speech about sexual misconduct

It was very touching

Harvey Weinsteins weapon of choice?

The Rapier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst thing you could possibly hear after giving Harvey Weinstein a blow job?

"I'm not Harvey Weinstein"

Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar

Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"
Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."

What's the difference between a catfish and Harvey Weinstein?

One's a scum-sucking bottom-dweller. The other's a fish.

No way Jose! Another? I can Harvey believe it. Irma find somewhere safer to live.

The local chicken shack changed its name in honor of the occasion. They're now Raisin HurriCanes.

Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, and Ajit Pai walks into a bar ...

Later, a man walks up to the bottomless sinkhole, looks down, and asks “Why’s the bar so low?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harvey Weinstein ejaculated in his potted plant so many times . . .

. . . It almost got cast as Will Hunting.

My kid sister wanted to play with Hurricane Harvey. She's been . . .

[removed]

I guess you could say Harvey...

Left a Dent

2017 will be known for 2 Harveys

One blew forcefully, other got blown forcefully

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.

He proceeds through the Pearly Gates, and is confronted by God, in all his glory.

God - “With my everlasting knowledge, you may ask me any question, and I shall fulfill you with the answer.”

Conspiracy Theorist - “God, I have to know, who really assassinated JFK?

God - “well, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a Redditor, Marilyn Monroe, Melania Trump, and Lee Harvey Oswald?

One's a jerk who jacks off, one jerked off Jack, one jacks off a jerk, and one's a jerk who offed Jack .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Hurricane Harvey say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

What would Steve Harvey change his name to if he suddenly became bulimic?

Heave Starvey

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

-- Lee Harvey Oswald

Christmas is always awkward in Steve Harvey's house

None of the presents have the correct names.

Actress: I want to be in the Aladdin remake.

Harvey Weinstein: All you have to do is rub my lamp.

A tree fell on our car during the recent Hurricane, and my dad won't get it repaired. He even named the damage.

Harvey Dent

What's the most inappropriate Halloween costume this year?

Hurricane Harvey Weinstein

What's Harvey Price's favourite gas?

Carbon Mongoxide

Who hits Houston harder?

Bobby Brown or Hurricane Harvey.

~Probably too soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a man spills Merlot on a woman's breasts?

A Harvey Wine Stain.

The Universal Miss award goes to

Steve Harvey.

And best picture goes to...

La La Land - Steve Harvey

Some Chuck Norris Jokes

- Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

- Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.

- When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

- Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Texas and an aspiring Hollywood actress have in common?

They both get fucked by Harvey.

Why was Batman in Texas trying to stop the Hurricane?

Because it kept leaving Harvey Dents everywhere

So I was at a film awards event the other night... [nsfw]

I was at a film awards event the other night. I went to the toilet and an actress came out a cubicle with a white mark on her dress. I said to her "Oh did you spill some mayo?" and she replied "No its a Harvey Weinstain"😉

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sexually predatious bee?

Harvey Weinsting

A girl goes to Ben Affleck...

A girl goes to Ben Affleck and says, "Ben, yesterday Harvey Weinstein started kissing me and feeling me up!"


Ben starts kissing her and feeling her up. "Like that?" He says.


"Yes" she answers.


"What else did he do?"


"He ripped off all my clothes!" she ...

Why did the Mayweather cross the McGregor?

To get to the other Harvey!

Family Feud must be a really hard show to work on

Steve Harvey is always asking for cervezas.

If the voting recount flips the outcome of the election, I have the perfect guy to call Trump and tell him that he's no longer going to be President...

Steve Harvey.

"I have to apologize.....the 1st runner-up, is Trump. The next President of the United States is...Hillary Clinton!"

*DEEP INHALE*

"***WRONG***"

And your 2015 Miss Universe is Columbia!

-Steve Harvey

A crying man walks slowly along the frontier.

He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.

"What's the matter friend?"

The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find a...

And the winner of the 2016 presidential election is Hillary!

- Steve Harvey

Conspirators are relentless...

A man lives his whole life believing that JFK's assassination was an inside job done by the CIA. He goes his whole life believing this. One day he passes on and goes up to meet God. God says "Welcome to heaven, do you have any questions?" The man replies, "Yes, who shot JFK?" God then replies "Well ...

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