Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

Katie Price and Peter Andre are in a custody battle for Harvey

Eventually one of them will lose, and have to keep him

I want to make a joke about hurricane Harvey

But I am scared my inbox will be flooded

Old man Harvey was a drinker

He would drink everyday, stumble home each night and vomit in the sink. Mrs. Harvey was tired of finding and cleaning puke in the sink every morning and was telling her neighbor about it.

Her neighbor told her to catch one of the stray cats from around the house and kill it, then put the gut...

Hurricane Harvey is no joke.

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Harvey Weinstein is so fat...

He's the only person in Hollywood that hasn't seen his dick.

He got #meethree'd

What’s the difference between Thor and Lee Harvey Oswald?

Oswald actually went for the head

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

Did you hear that Steve Harvey and his wife got into a fight?

It was a family feud

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Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

How many Harvey Weinsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?

That light bulb will change itself right in front of him if she knows what's good for her.

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

The first thing he does is ask God, "Who really killed JFK?"

To which God replies, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald. He acted alone."

The conspiracy theorists thinks to him self for a moment then says, "This cover up of the truth goes even further than I thought!"

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

Every Half Dollar is Lee Harvey Oswald

Cus each one has a headshot of Kennedy

Everybody is saying Harvey Weinstein is the worst person in history, but I think they're forgetting that Hitler is the worst person in history

I mean if he finished what he started, we wouldn't have to deal with Weinstein

A tree fell on our car during the recent Hurricane, and my dad won't get it repaired. He even named the damage.

Harvey Dent

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Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein sat just watching T.V

Harvey asks "hey Kev, you wanna rent a DVD tonight?"

Kevin thinks for a minute "Yeah" he says "let's get aladdin!"

"calm down Kev ain't you in a enough shit already?" replies Harvey.

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton

any second now

What's the difference between "To Catch a Predator" and Harvey Weinstein?

One stars molesters, while the other molests stars.

What do Hurricane Harvey and Harvey Weinstein have in common?

They are both massive bodies that devastated countless victims.

What is the difference between Hurricane Harvey and Harvey Weinstein?

Hurricane Harvey actually made its victims wet.

What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious Basterds.

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

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Harvey Weinstein, Brett Ratner and Kevin Spacey walk into a bar...

Except the bar is actually Peyton Manning on all fours spreading his asshole wide open. Harvey and Brett don't appreciate the "prank" as much as Kevin does so they call their buddy Jeremy Piven to pick them up. The three head to an open-bathrobe party at Ben Affleck's house

Meanwhile, Kevin i...

I hear Harvey Weinstein's call sheet has been blowing up lately.

Apparently the Republican Party wants him to run for President.

Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.

Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.

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Why did the big ball of hydrogen and helium give Harvey Weinstein a blowjob?

Because he said he would make her a star!

Growing up in the film industry, Harvey Weinstein was a huge influence for me.

He really touched me.

Is it too soon to say a Hurricane Harvey joke

Or should I just wait for everything to blow over?

What's the difference between Harvey Weinstein and EA?

EA only sticks their hands in your pants if you have money in your pockets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really liked Harvey Weinstein’s speech about sexual misconduct

It was very touching

Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner and Harvey Weinstein walk into a bar

Harvey says, "Hey Bill, buy me a drink!"
Bill shouts back, "I don't know what role you're trying to offer me, but let's not involve Weiner..."

What are the best and worst things about sleeping with Harvey Weinstein?

The roles, and the rolls.

Harvey Weinstein was a driving instructor before becoming a film producer

He was teaching one of his first students, an attractive young girl, how to drive. He said,

‘lift your left leg off the clutch to start moving.’

A few minutes later, he said,

‘lift your right leg off the accelerator to let the car slow down.’

The girl asked him,
...

What does Hurricane Harvey and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They will both blow the entire coast just to get on TV.

What do Harvey Weinstein and Macy’s have in common?

Little boys pants, half off

Harvey Weinsteins weapon of choice?

The Rapier.

Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, and Ajit Pai walks into a bar ...

Later, a man walks up to the bottomless sinkhole, looks down, and asks “Why’s the bar so low?”

My kid sister wanted to play with Hurricane Harvey. She's been . . .

[removed]

No way Jose! Another? I can Harvey believe it. Irma find somewhere safer to live.

The local chicken shack changed its name in honor of the occasion. They're now Raisin HurriCanes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Hurricane Harvey say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

What would Steve Harvey change his name to if he suddenly became bulimic?

Heave Starvey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a Redditor, Marilyn Monroe, Melania Trump, and Lee Harvey Oswald?

One's a jerk who jacks off, one jerked off Jack, one jacks off a jerk, and one's a jerk who offed Jack .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harvey Weinstein ejaculated in his potted plant so many times . . .

. . . It almost got cast as Will Hunting.

What's Harvey Price's favourite gas?

Carbon Mongoxide

A man dies and meets God

God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything."

The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?"

God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle"

The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.

He proceeds through the Pearly Gates, and is confronted by God, in all his glory.

God - “With my everlasting knowledge, you may ask me any question, and I shall fulfill you with the answer.”

Conspiracy Theorist - “God, I have to know, who really assassinated JFK?

God - “well, t...

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

-- Lee Harvey Oswald

Actress: I want to be in the Aladdin remake.

Harvey Weinstein: All you have to do is rub my lamp.

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A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"

God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor ...

What's the most inappropriate Halloween costume this year?

Hurricane Harvey Weinstein

Who hits Houston harder?

Bobby Brown or Hurricane Harvey.

~Probably too soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a man spills Merlot on a woman's breasts?

A Harvey Wine Stain.

And best picture goes to...

La La Land - Steve Harvey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Texas and an aspiring Hollywood actress have in common?

They both get fucked by Harvey.

Some Chuck Norris Jokes

- Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

- Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.

- When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

- Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush...

Why was Batman in Texas trying to stop the Hurricane?

Because it kept leaving Harvey Dents everywhere

So I was at a film awards event the other night... [nsfw]

I was at a film awards event the other night. I went to the toilet and an actress came out a cubicle with a white mark on her dress. I said to her "Oh did you spill some mayo?" and she replied "No its a Harvey Weinstain"😉

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sexually predatious bee?

Harvey Weinsting

A girl goes to Ben Affleck...

A girl goes to Ben Affleck and says, "Ben, yesterday Harvey Weinstein started kissing me and feeling me up!"


Ben starts kissing her and feeling her up. "Like that?" He says.


"Yes" she answers.


"What else did he do?"


"He ripped off all my clothes!" she ...

Family Feud must be a really hard show to work on

Steve Harvey is always asking for cervezas.

If the voting recount flips the outcome of the election, I have the perfect guy to call Trump and tell him that he's no longer going to be President...

Steve Harvey.

"I have to apologize.....the 1st runner-up, is Trump. The next President of the United States is...Hillary Clinton!"

*DEEP INHALE*

"***WRONG***"

And your 2015 Miss Universe is Columbia!

-Steve Harvey

A crying man walks slowly along the frontier.

He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.

"What's the matter friend?"

The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find a...

And the winner of the 2016 presidential election is Hillary!

- Steve Harvey

Conspirators are relentless...

A man lives his whole life believing that JFK's assassination was an inside job done by the CIA. He goes his whole life believing this. One day he passes on and goes up to meet God. God says "Welcome to heaven, do you have any questions?" The man replies, "Yes, who shot JFK?" God then replies "Well ...

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