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Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

Why did Aristotle believe men could mold themselves through their actions like clay?

His teacher was Plato.

I made a custom mold by pouring silicone over a crucifix. 24 hours and one epoxy pour later...

and Christ is resin.

I have a fridge that beeps when it detects mold

Spoiler alert

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

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If you have protected sex for 365 days straight, then melt the condoms down and mold a tire from them, what would you call it?

A Fucking GoodYear.

What did Mike Tyson say when he saw mold?

That's growth.

The other day my daughter said, "Mold is so gross."

I told her to "respect its culture."

You know at first, I didn't like the mold I found on my skin.

But then it started to grow on me.

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Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

Have you heard about the Beauty and the Beast sequel where they fix up the Beast's house?

It's a tale as old as time, a song of mold and grime.

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

One day Jim exists his house and

He sees John with a huge rock in the yard. "Where did you get the rock?" Asks Jim. John answers that there is a goldfish in the pond nearby, and if he manages to catch him, it will grant him a wish. The only problem is that the goldfish has hearing problems, so he will need to speak clearly and loud...

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Piss Pop Piss Pop

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactured various latex products, and had a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory made baby bottle nipples. The...

One day a man decided that he was going to take up shooting...

So he signed up for a concealed carry license class and got his own weapon. When he was done with the classroom portion, they took the class out to the shooting range to shoot some targets. The instructor told them only to shoot the 3 targets across the range. The man hit all 3 directly in the middl...

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An Asylum Tour

A benefactor by the name of John is touring an asylum to see how it is being ran. Occasionally, he sees an unusual patient and stops to talk.

The first man he comes across is grabbing the sides of his head and making a marked twisting motion. Concerned, John asks him what he's doing. Well, si...

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2 Guys At A Urinal NSFW

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being ...

What did the prospector say the the zombie rappers?

"There's mold in them there grills"

Where do spores stay while on vacation?

A mold-tel.

What do you call a retired comedian?

Comedy mold.

Three friends went on a vacation together

They had borrowed a cottage on a mountain for a skiingweekend. When the 3 friends got there, 2 of the rooms had huge amounts of mold, so they had to sleep in the same bed.

The next day one of the guys said ''I dreamt that I got laid tonight, it was the best dream I've ever had''. Then the ot...