I just told my boss I'm fed up of working in a shit hole: the toilets are never cleaned, there's mould in the fridge, there's never any hot water and the place hasn't been hoovered once
Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business
and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing. The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.
I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again.
I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."
I just used a Saddam Hussein jelly mould....
I think I've set a dangerous president.
What do you get when you cross a dairy farmer with someone who moulds and fires clay?
A dairy potter.
Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a hooker, “the worlds oldest profession” says one. The Doctor among them said “No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam’s rib. That’s the work of a surgeon” “Ahhhh” says the second friend, “but ...
The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu
Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...
Larry, the Chemical Engineer
Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.
However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...
Once there was a great tribal king. Fearlessly, he led his troops into battle. He settled disputes fairly, and ruled with grace and compassion. And he lived a humble life. No palaces for this king; he lived in a straw hut just like the rest of his subjects, and shared out the tribes resources so tha...
A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.
The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Mould them into a tire, and call it a GoodYear
A Nihilist tries to sharpen a pencil
No punchline because we all die eventually, and in 100 years 99% of us will be forgotten. There is no point to life. Comedy is just a distraction from our eventual deaths in which we turn into a shriveled decomposing lifeless corpse, left to accumulate mould and simply vanish. If there is anything f...
Some people were taking a tour of a rubber factory
On the tour they stop by where the factory made baby bottles caps. Everyone could hear the machine working: "Shh, pop, shh, pop, shh, pop". One of the tourists asked the guide what the noises were. "well you see, the shhing sound is the rubber filling the moulds and the popping is the machine p...