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I poured a can of root beer into a square shaped whiskey glass.

I now have a glass of beer.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
<...

Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?

Whichever one the player’s standing on.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you u...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

Why is white's light squared bishop fastest of all?

Because its on F1.

What’s the square root of Minecraft?

There’s three, actually. The potatoes, the carrots, and the beetroots.

2 squares and 2 circles

2 squares were in an argument and 2 circles were in an argument.

The squares were arguing over who was hotter, even though they were both 90 degrees.

The 2 circles argue all the time so the argument was pretty pointless.

(Thought of this in the shower. It’s a little cheesy)

Why do restaurants put pizza in square boxes?

Because they don't cut corners.

Why did the communist kill all of the civilians in the town square, regardless of their social class?

Because he was an expert Marxman.

What did the professor say when his student asked if pyramids were essentially squares?

Yes, but only up to a point.

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A nun...

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,”Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation,”Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says,”Why no, my son, wh...

Why are Hong Kong police always the first ones in the public square?

They get there early to beat the crowds.

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

I told my daughter an interesting cat fact. If you drop any cat it will fall at 32-feet per second squared.

She immediately replied, "That's a rumor started by dogs."

What's the square root of 69????

8 something.





Havent seen this one and I've been scrolling for hours.

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TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker look...

Relationships are like squared numbers

If their under 13, do them in your head.

If the square root of - 1 = i What would the square root of negative Uno be?

i i i (ay ay ay!)

A blind man with a guide dog comes to the town square

And he takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around.

"What on earth are you doing?!“ asks a passer-by.

The blind man replies "Nothing, just looking around a bit.“

What is Albert Einstein's rapper name?

MC Squared!

What do you call a written copy of Chinese history from Tiananmen Square?

[REDACTED]

A circle is talking to a square.

The circle says: “I only have one side.”

The square then responds with: “What’s your point?”

Why didn't King Arthur use the square table?

Because that table wasn't a-round.

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How to fire an Employee...

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors s...

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

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Little Tommy lived on a farm,

He woke up one morning and went downstairs for breakfast. Little Tommy's mom said "no, you have to do your chores to get breakfast!"

Little Tommy stormed out of the house an went to feed the chickens and kicked one on the way out. He tromped over to the pigs and kicked one of them as he fill...

My teacher is like 5 but square rooted.

So irrational.

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

Archimedes, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

It's Arcimedes' turn to seek and so he starts counting down.

Pascal quickly runs off to some bushes nearby.

Newton starts walking, stops thinks for a while and them draws a large rectangle around himself in the dirt.

The time is up and Archimedes turns around: "Found you, Newton...

Two square roots of nine go into a bedroom...

Together, they have six.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek.

It’s Einstein’s turn to be it.
Pascal is nowhere to be found, but Newton draws a 1m X 1m square right in front of Einstein and stands in its centre.
Einstein says, “Newton, you’re terrible! I found you right away!”
Newton replies, “No, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve ...

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Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is alwa...

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the *job.*" the interviewer sighed.

In reminiscence of the Tiananmen Square protests, China is introducing a new memorial day:

Happy Tanksgiving!

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If someone ever asks about your sex life, tell them it's like Tiananmen square.

There's protests and it's hidden from the public.

Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whe...

I love when they drop the ball in Time Square..

It’s a nice reminder of what I did all last year.

If you have semi good knowledge of science this might be funny to you.

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal were playing hide and seek. Albert was seeking, Newton and Pascal were hiding. When Albert goes out to seek he finds Isaac outside where he has drawn a square around himself. Albert asks Newton "What kind of hiding place is that Newton?" and Newton rep...

Once a mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, sealed a few screws and everything worked perfectly.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is a third of my monthly salary!", he yelled.

Well, all the sam...

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What do you yell when a sex worker falls at a square dance?

"It's a hoe-down!"

Why are square roots never sad?

Because they're always positive.

Why didn't 4 cross the road?

Because it was 2 squared.

A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Lego Land

The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man sa...

Did you hear about what happened at tianmen square?

Yeah me neither

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.

Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per...

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A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.

"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late."

Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this proble...

Which state has the most streets per square mile?

It's Rhode Island.

What do you get when you cross two squares with an ogre?

...a Shrektangle.

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My flaccid penis is square shaped...

When I get hard it becomes an erectangle.

Understanding Women

A FATHER SAYS TO HIS SON :
"MY BOY, WHEN YOU ACCUMULATE THE UNDERSTANDING OF WHY A PIZZA IS BAKED ROUND,
PUT IN A SQUARE BOX , EATEN IN TRIANGLES, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN. "
Author Unknown

Hawaii is hosting a party for all the states. Hawaii says, “be there or be square!”

Unfortunately, Colorado and Wyoming didn’t attend.

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A building supplies company placed an ad for an experienced warehouse person for their warehouse operation...

Bright (not that he could see it) and early the next morning in walks a guy wearing dark glasses and using a white cane.

"I've come about the timber sorting position", he tells the lady at reception.

A bit taken aback, she goes to get her husband, the boss.

He takes one look at...

What do you get when you multiply a clock by another clock?

Times square

Why are squares so hot?

Because its corners are 90 degrees

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One day a woman is jogging in the park (NSFW)

As she runs past the pond she sees a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a wheelchair on the pier crying. Worried, she walks up to him and asks him what's wrong.

The man looks up at her sadly and says "It's because I've never been hugged." So the woman bends down, and gives him a giganti...

Did you hear about the anemic guy that cut all the grass on earth in a square pattern?

He mow globe in cells

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Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.

Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

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Hitler's Game

During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she fa...

Which font do the protesters use to paint BLACK LIVES MATTER onto the streets of New York City?

Times Square New Roman.

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A patient goes to an psychologist.

"Let's see" says the doctor, "what comes to your mind when you see this?" and shows the patient a paper with a square drawn on it.
"Sex", replies the patient.
"And this?" the doctor shows the patient a circle.
"Sex!", replies the patient.
"What would you say if I showed you this?...

Did you hear about the earthquake that destroyed 4046.856 square metres of land during church?

Some people call it a massacre

Every New Year's Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time's Square

...and year after year, they drop the ball

My friend said “you can’t take the square-root of a negative.”

She said I couldn’t..... but i can

It's 1976 and a man walks onto the Red Square and screams "Brezhnev is a idiot!" He is immediately arrested and given 15 years in prison

5 for sedition

10 for revealing a state secret

Pinata joke, not mine but thought it was funny. Sorry if you have heard before

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord,...

What did the 3^2 say to the 2^3 in a dark room?

“I’m squared”


I’m so sorry

A comment following the video of two different camera views of the guy falling off that drone motorcycle thing reminded me of this oldie but goodie: a guy walks into a bar....

....sits down, orders a beer, and is watching the 5 o’clock news: footage of a guy about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bartender says “I bet you $100 he does it.” Guy takes the bet, and not long after has to pay up...

A few minutes later, bartender comes back. “I’m sorry man, I can’t t...

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old homophobic joke

Two men are camping when one of them goes into the bushes to take a dump and gets bitten on his penis by a snake. He runs to his buddy for help. His buddy consults their first aid book to see what he can do to help his friend, and the book says to cut a small x-shaped incision where the snakebite ...

Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

A square and a rectangle walk into a bar.

They both sit down, order a beer, and wait for the bartender to prepare their drinks.


They each take a sip; it's nice and cold. There's an abundance of bubbles in and on the beverage; perfect.


The square looks over next to him; the rectangle is looking down at his nearly empty ...

How is the Tiananmen square massacre similar to the Mueller report?

[REDACTED]

Why did the farmer lose the race with his cow through the town square?

Because you can't beat your meat in public.

So I took ma epileptic buddy to Times Square.

He loved it so much, he started dancing on the ground.

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