The 72+ Best Square Jokes

Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whe...

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

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Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is alwa...

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I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I have beer.

My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

What is the square root of 69?

8 something

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the *job.*" the interviewer sighed.

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it’s raining," says the man.

"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definite...

People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

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So you are telling me that you only had sex with squares?

\- Yes, why? Am I missing out?
\- Well, fuck around and find out

Women Are Like Square Roots

If they're under 25, just do them in your head.

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

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What do you call a horny square?

Erect-angle

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...

What did the tilted square say when it sneezed?

Askew

*Joke courtesy my 10YO child*

What happened when the square had an accident?

It became a wrecked angle.

There was a circle/sphere turning into a square....

It was going through Cuberty.

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Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.

Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...

I was having a quiet drink in a local bar and this guy squared up to me and said ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’

I replied: ‘Is that a fret?

What's the difference between a Coral Reef and Tienenman Square?

One's full of crustaceans and one's full of crushed Asians.

Are we really expected to eat three square meals a day?

I'm sure triangles and circles provide equal nutritional value.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

I saw Vanilla Ice at Madison Square Garden.

He sold me a hot dog.

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

What did the circle say when the square kept asking him a question?

Wait a secant

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

Local news reports a large dreidel display is being installed in the town square

Until further notice, this is their top story.

What do the square-root of 2 and flat-earthers have in common ?

They're both completely irrational.

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In the Red Square

A man stands in the Red Square in Moscow during Soviet times and yells "Damn fucked up State!"

A KGB officer comes along and grabs him, the man complains he never said what state he meant, so the KGB officer lets him go.

Next day, same scene. The man stands in the Red Sqare and yells ...

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What happened to the horny square?

He had an E- rectangle.

What do you call a bunch of dead bodies in the streets of Tiananmen Square?

Your imagination

At my school there’s a rapper named MC Squared

The science teacher just calls him E

What is it called when a square is treated respectfully?

Equal rights.

What does Spongebob keep in his square pants?

A thick mane of cubic hair

A man is protesting in the Red Square in Moscow

He holds up a sign that says "The President is an idiot".

Within 10 minutes the secret police comes to arrest him.

"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."

"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is....

Why do people walk in circles and not in squares?

Because they are cutting corners.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

What’s the square root of Minecraft?

There’s three, actually. The potatoes, the carrots, and the beetroots.

A man hands out printouts on Red Square. He's then arrested.

Once at the police station, the officers realize that his leaflets were empty. He says, "Everyone knows what the problem is, so why bother writing it down?"

I just joined a gang called square root 2

Because I'm irrational

An alien vessel landed on St Peter's square

An alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome.

A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared.

They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.

After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question m...

What sound does a square chicken make?

"Block, block."

What do you get when you square root a Muslim?

Radical Islam.

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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

Where did the square go after killing the triangle?

To prism.

US politics is a lot like square dancing.

Move to the right, take one step back, move to the left, take one step forward. Repeat.

A man parks his car in the Red Square in Soviet Russia

A policeman rushes over and yells: "Why are you parking here? Do you know where this is? This is the government's place!"

The man replies: "I know, don't worry, the lock on my car is really good"

When does a square become a cube?

When it hits cuberty.

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

Why shouldn't potato be a part of a square meal?

Because It's a root vegetable

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Man goes on holiday to Italy

A guy walks into a barbershop and sits in the chair.

The barber asks, “Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?”

Guy replies, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

Barber says, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

Guy says, “Well, the weather is supposed t...

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”

Driver: “What’s that?”

Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands i...

New jokes on this sub are often rated at the square root of -100

They would be a 10, but new jokes here are imaginary.

Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?

Whichever one the player’s standing on.

Did you hear about the square that got into an accident?

Now it’s a wrecked-angle

Four Priests and a Woman Sit Down For Lunch around St. Peter's Square...

The first priest says: "My son's a priest, whenever he walks in a room people say 'Hello Father!'"
The second priest says: "My son's a bishop, whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace!"
The third priest says: "Well my son's a cardinal, whenever he walks into a room people say "You...

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

2 squares and 2 circles

2 squares were in an argument and 2 circles were in an argument.

The squares were arguing over who was hotter, even though they were both 90 degrees.

The 2 circles argue all the time so the argument was pretty pointless.

(Thought of this in the shower. It’s a little cheesy)

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My flaccid penis is square shaped...

When I get hard it becomes an erectangle.

Why are square roots never sad?

Because they're always positive.

Why did the square fall in love with the triangle?

Because she had acute angle.

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Why did the blonde have square boobs?

Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Do you know what square roots of negative numebrs and your girlfriend have in common?

They're both imaginary.

The new job

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer:
\- "What's 2+2"?

Blonde:
\- "Ummmmm... 4!"

Officer:
\- "What's the square root of 100?"

Blonde:...

If the square root of - 1 = i What would the square root of negative Uno be?

i i i (ay ay ay!)

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

A small town in Ireland solicits bids to build a fountain in the town square. Three builders respond.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk's office. There's a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. "How ...

A tourist sees a man holding a blank piece of paper in Red Square, Moscow

Confused, he asks the man what he's doing.

The man says "I'm protesting"

"How is anyone supposed to know what you're protesting with that blank sign?" Asks the tourist.

The man scoffs "Ignorant tourists! Why would I need to put that? Everyone already knows what's wrong!"
...

A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the bloody madman"

Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.

"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the bloody madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.

"Shut up, you. We all know who th...

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