This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdfw7.

I was going to tell a joke about computers

But it wasn't very PC.

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

What do you call a singing desktop computer?

A Dell.

Two computers walk into a bar. The first computer says “1110001010011011.” The second computer replies “2”.

The first computer says, “Oh, so you’re non-binary?”

What kind of computer is the best singer?

A dell

What's the difference between Americans and a computer?

The computer has troubleshooting at school

Our computers went down at work today ...

... so we had to do everything manually.

It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

I think my computer has become woke

It’s just come out as non binary

What’s the difference between Americans and computers?

Americans don’t have trouble shooting

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data!!! Daataa!!!

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a computer's favorite sex position?

1000101

Where is the computer worm?

Idk, it ran-som-ware

What would Forrest Gump's computer password would be?

1Forrest1

My computer gave birth today

Now I need to buy a baby monitor

How did the computer hacker escape the police?

He just ransomeware....

What ever you do, don't use 'beef stew' as your computer password.

Apparently its not stroganoff...

What happens if you don't turn on your computer for a year

It loses it's drive

what do you call a really small computer file full of pastry recipes?

Little bytes

My computer always wins when we play chess

But it's no match for me in kick-boxing.

How many Indians does it take to fix a computer?

Two.

One to call tech support.

One to answer.

Why did the astronaut take his computer's keyboard apart?

He was looking for the Space Bar.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Do not install adblock on your computer or phone

Now all the hot single moms don’t want me anymore

What does a woman and a computer have in common?

Neither would take a 3.5 inch floppy.

Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?

It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!

If we're really not in a computer simulation..

Does that mean that we're all non-binary?

I'm not happy with my new Quantum Computer

Every time I try to solve a problem it collapses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

What do computers identify as?

Binary

My computer died after getting a virus.

It was a terminal illness.

Just seen a French footballing legend playing a computer game

It was Thierry on Wii

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

SyntaxError: unexpected EOF while parsing

I got a computer to analyse every episode of Married With Children and it developed sentience based on what it learned.

It's an AI Bundy.

Excorcising an evil computer be like...

The power of Christ compiles you!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPILES YOU!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confessions

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down....

My computer kept crashing

It turns out I had a bad driver.

I just came up with this tonight but I can totally see the joke having been come up with before, so if it has please let me know.

How do you catch a fish with a computer?

Use click bait.

What's the similarity between my brain and my computer hard drive?

Both are actively deleting memory and I have no idea why.

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the chronic masturbator's computer crash?

There was too much load on the CPU.

Things you can say about your computer but not your partner

I'll start,
It takes me three tries to plug in my stick

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

Two computer nerds start arguing about if they have to pronounce it gif or jif.

The argument gets extremely heated and it goes on for hours.

In the end they just decide to have the sandwich with just the jelly.

We're in Trouble

### We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work

...

A rodent just crawled out of my computer.

It's a genuine case of degus ex machina.

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:


"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".


"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.


The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."


The custome...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

What did the Computer Science major say to the English major?

Yeah I'll take a #3 with a small fry and a Dr. Pepper, and a #7, just the sandwich. Do you guys still have that smoky barbeque sauce or has it been discontinued?

Why don't spiders need phones or computers?

They're on the web anyways.

Barbie

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie f...

I have to buy curtains for my computer

It's got windows

Computers are not funny

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

How do you program a computer to make beef stew?

You use bullion logic.

Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer?

They keep summoning the Task Manager

(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)

What does a karen do when they get mad at a computer?

They demand to see the task-manager!

Inflation at the veterinarians office

A duck got trampled.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has pa...

What is different between an American and Computer?

Americans dont have -trouble shooting-

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

My wife asked if I wanted to use her computer

or if she should leave me to my own devices.

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

I had to call tech support for my computer the other day.

Tech Support: “It seems as though your operating system was installed backwards.”

Me: “So?”

A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers.

He was fired for trying to take a byte.

I’m getting really good at beating computers

Captcha thinks I’m not even human

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library, asks the librarian, "Do you have the new book on living life with a small penis?" She searches her computer and says,

"I Don't See Anything, I Don't Think Its In Yet."

The man says, "Yes, that's the one!"

I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health

I should sit on a chair.

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

Why are computer screen co-ordinate systems always in a good mood?

Because they are down-right positive!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man, The Myth, the Legend: Frank Feldman!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you nee...

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A state of the art fighter jet with a sentient navigation computer malfunctioned and went into a tailspin

The human pilot realized it was unrecoverable and shouted, "Computer, initiate automated ejection sequence."

After a long silence, the computer responded, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

Smirking, the crafty, old-school pilot muttered, "I knew the...

what's the difference between my computer and Paul walker.

I care when my computer crashes.

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

A computer walks into a bar

When the bartender asks how many drinks he wants, the computer holds up three fingers.
“I’ll take 7.”

Why did the computer have a blue screen

The mouse ended up in a trap

what does a computer eat?

chips

I used to have a hard time understanding which GPU to buy for my computer.

But since the prices are now in the names, it's much more simple!

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

How do you recognize a blond secretary's computer?

All the white-out on the screen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Why did the computer cross the road?

It was programmed by the chicken

A man went down from Chicago to the Key West for a holiday.

His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address.

Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the gri...

What do Bad computers and Children have in common?

They're worth more if you sell their parts separately

Have you heard an ex Vice President is releasing a computer generated reggae album?

It's called Al Gore Rhythms

Did y’all hear of the computer virus coded by the librarian?

It was Dewey Decimalware

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

Windows & winter !!!!

During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that “the Windows frozen”. Husband replied to pour some warm water on them. After a while husband received a message again “No way, the computer is completely spoilt now” !

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

Grandpa asked me how to print on his new computer.

I said: "Just control-p."

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

How does a computer learn karate?

With a punch card

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

What do air conditions and computers have in common?

They work fine until you open Windows.

I want to tell you a computer joke

But you'll have to wait a bit.

What OS do Jedi run their computers on?

The DagobahSystem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A interaction between me and my GF

GF: What are those lights lights called? not the LGBTQ lights but....

Me: You... mean RGB lights?

Gf: Yes!! yes, those ones.

Both: \*laughter\*

GF: Don't call them that hahahah

Me: Nonono they're LGBTQ lights from now on.

Me: Oh yeah my computer has LGBTQ li...

I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science

Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

I forgot to save my new book, “1000 Ways to Cure an Itch” before my computer died.

Guess I’m starting again from scratch.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.