What’s the difference between an American and a computer?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

Don't worry guys, i think she's jokinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Sharing for my 70 yr old mother. Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards.

Recently my friend passed away, and we saved his brain onto a massive computer

Rest in PC

Why were older computers heavier?

Because they used a FAT file system!

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?

A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".

How does a computer learn something new ?

Bit by bit

My ex girlfriend was like a faulty computer

I could turn her off. The hard part was turning her on again

What are Russian computers best for?

ComPutin.

The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve

It was an apple with very limited memory. Just one byte and everything crashed.

Italian Computer Repair shop

Everytime I try to use Microsoft's search engine on my Italian laptop, the computer explodes. I took it to my Italian Computer repair store. The Italian repairman said "What seems to be the problem? Please keep it brief" so I said "Bad-a-Bing, Bad-a-boom!"

How do you call a Chinese cow thats connected to a computer network?

Moolan.

All of the cows on the farm networked all of their computers so they could stream the latest Disney film

They set up a moo LAN.

What is an Astronaut's favourite part of a computer

The space bar

What message does a quantum computer have when you view an image?

"Do you want to save changes?"

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

Why does my computer only have a motherboard?

Because my fatherboard left to get milk.

I tried to my make my work computer password “beefstew”.

But the IT guy said it wasn’t stroganoff.

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

What do you call a creepy Computer Science teacher?

A PDF file

Why can't elephants use computers?

Because they are scared of the mouse

Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

I lost my computer RAM.

I guess I will have to take a trip down memory lane to buy a new one.

What do you call a computer weapon?

A battering *RAM*

My dad helped me fix my computer today

He told me the error code was “One D Ten T”. I didn’t understand what he meant until he told me to write it out.

Still don’t get it tho.

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

What is the difference between a woman and a computer?

Women don't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

A friend of mine made a funny joke about computers.

but it wasn't funny. Not one bit.

Why do computers make such good parents?

They all have motherboards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

(NSFW) A redneck bought a computer and he was trying to browse internet with his friend.

They came across a shopping website which they mistook for a dating website and went to the lingerie section .

After a long selection, his friend said " look this woman wearing red lingerie is really gorgeous and is only $49.99. order her" .

So he went and ordered it .

2 weeks l...

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer doesn't work?

The task manager.

Which brand of computer will win the Grammy's?

A dell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick,

but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

How much storage does an aquatic computer have?

A trilobite

What is a computer’s favorite snack?

MICROCHIPS

What do you get when a climate change activist creates computer code?

An Al Gore Rythym

What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek?

One that turns his software into hardware.

I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game.



I think it is just too weak.

It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died..

Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.

What does a computer and a bikini have in common

They both save men from a lot guessing work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'. He hasn't been 'getting any' so he decides that this is his chance. He turns on the computer and starts scrolling through PornHub.

He starts to masturbate and before long he's about to climax. All of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the best blowjob of his life. Then, without a word, she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there stunned and amazed a...

How much memory did ancient computers have?

8 Trilobytes

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1.

It didn’t fly.

Computer: Choose a password

Me: hi-hat


Computer: Password cannot contain symbols

What is a stoners favorite computer software?

Adoobe

What’s a computers favourite type of wine

Port

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

The best computers are made in America

They have virtually no troubleshooting.

How do you desolder all the components in a Dell computer?

You turn it on, and wait 30 minutes.

My doctor told me I injured my eye by staring at my computer screen for too long.

I guess I have a terminal disease.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

My office computer is so old...

When it started running slow, instead of more RAM, the IT guy installed more beads.

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispering, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked," Is your daddy home?"

"Yes." whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult...

Why are people who use the metric system so good at computer science?

Because they are pro-grammers.

Did you know that the original computer also had a fatherboard?

But one day he said he was going out for a extra stick of ram and never came back.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

My computer was arguing with me

Luckily, my next move shut it down.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

How do you reboot a Computer?

By calling a Cobbler.



\*I tried posting in r/DadJokes but didn't have the Karma req..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

I hate when I turn on my computer at work

And it says loading your personal settings.

I'm like "Woah, this is strictly a professional relationship".

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you start opening windows.

An computer inventor starts talking to his friend.

“I’ve almost made a human-like robot!” He says.
“You mean it can think?” His friend replies.
“No, but when it fails, it puts the blame on the back of another computer.”

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

What kind of music do Computer Scientst listen to ?

Algorhythm

I recently entered a computer coding competition.

I took home the gold with 0th place!

On New Year's Eve back in 1999, a friend bet me a couple grand that computers were going to stop working

"Why $2k?" I asked.

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

What happens if you drop a computer on your feet?

It hertz

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

Why do computer scientists make bad patients?

Because they're always coding!

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.

The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00

Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.

The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.

The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that ...

How can u tell a computer scientist is an introvert or an extrovert?

The extrovert looks at your shoes while having conversation while the introvert looks at his own shoe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Hitler wrote a computer manual what would he name it?

Mien Kampfputer

(OC)

A computer walks into a bar

All of his friends goes: “Where have you been, we have waited half an hour”
The computer replies: “Sorry it was a hard drive”

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

My new computer won't stop singing.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten Adelle.

My computer said hello when I turned it on.

I figured it must be a Dell

What did the computer student say to the language student after he made a mistake?

You made a programmar error

Have you heard about this new computer attack on people who just bought cars?

It's all over the news - the New Car Owner Virus.

I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn’t work

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