UPJOKE
computer sciencecalculatecomputeralgorithmmathematicsmultiplyinformationcomputer programwork outdatasoftwareprocessmiscalculatesource codeapproximate

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

My colleagues call me “The Computer”.

Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...

It says, "I'll be your server today."

What did the computer want to name its baby?

If it's a boy, Dell. If it's a girl, Adele.

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A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband said, "Put MYPENIS."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...

"Error. Not long enough."

Why was the sheep farmer confused when IT came to fix his computer?

He kept telling him he had bad RAM.

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

What do you call a man whos attracted to young computers?

A PDFile

what blood type are computers?

Typo

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital

So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."

On a train to a large computer convention, there were 3 software engineers and 3 managers...

Each of the managers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The managers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said, “Here comes the conductor,” all of the en...

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What’s the similarity between boobs and Raspberry Pi computers?

Both were intended for kids but it’s the adults that end up playing with them more

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

Why don't elephants use computers?

Because they are terrified of mice!

Trying to change my password to “MyPulloutGame” but the computer says its too weak.

All 7 of my children: “why are you crying dad?”

A computer programmer is back from paternity leave after his wife has a baby. When he shows up, a coworker says to him "Welcome back! Was it a boy or a girl?"

To which he replies, "yes".

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

My mom won’t let me use the computer

Every time she catches me on it she slams my face against the keyboard!!!

It’s okay though she’s not home rig.. ’(3rdsktrsfye:20rfees,.wee$tberg,

What's the difference between learning vowels and learning computer science?

When learning vowels, it's only sometimes "why?"

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn .

What did the drunk computer say to the network?

I pee a dress.

What do Hutts use to program computers?

Jabbascript

What is OJ Simpson's computer password?

Slash Slash back-Slash escape.

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

Jesus and Satan on computer

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours,...

My dad’s palaeontology files are filling up the family computer

They’re hundreds of trilobites

What do you call it when Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon band together to fix a computer?

The Greek Squad

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

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Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

What's the difference between women and computers?

Women don't accept 3 and a half inch floppies

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

How do you make a computer keyboard sad?

You make the key "D" pressed

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise! Surprise!
It was an apple.
But with extremely limited memory.
Just 1 byte.
Then everything crashed.

Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope?

Video killed the radio star.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, that's a hardware issue.

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

What do computer programmers do after work?

They go out and grab a byte.

My computer password in Incorrect

That way, if I type in a different password, it reminds me ‘Your password is incorrect’

And then I remember

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What keyboard shortcut turns your computer into a piece of shit?

*Alt + Right*

What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?

The space bar.

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What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?

Shift + T



^(\[OC?\])

Why is the computer keyboard working so hard?

Because it has two shifts!

With all the increases in computer processing and storage...

You would think Microsoft would have released ExExcel by now.

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

My Computer Beat Me At Chess Today

It was no match for me at kickboxing though.

I'm a renowned computer science professor, but that doesn't carry much weight with my mother.

After I got my PhD, she introduced me to friends by saying, *“This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”*

What do you get when you cross a pit-bull with a computer?

Not sure.....but, when it megabytes, it megahertz.

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My girlfriend has a lot of dick pics on her old computer

She has a hard disk drive

The New Secretary

The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he though...

How can you tell if a computer scientist is an extrovert?

They stare at your shoes instead of staring at their own

Our computers went down at work today ...

... so we had to do everything manually.

It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

I was going to tell a joke about computers

But it wasn't very PC.

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

What did the tech geek say when he tripped over his computer wire?

Ow that megahertz!

Two computers walk into a bar. The first computer says “1110001010011011.” The second computer replies “2”.

The first computer says, “Oh, so you’re non-binary?”

How did the computer hacker escape the police?

He just ransomeware....

What brand of RAM do you buy if you want your computer to go faster?

Dodge.

What you call when you delete Microsoft Edge browser from your computer?

Cutting Edge technology!

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What is a computer's favorite sex position?

1000101

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

What would Forrest Gump's computer password would be?

1Forrest1

A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.

He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.

"This is an outrage!"

The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.

"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 thi...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any test...

I think my computer has become woke

It’s just come out as non binary

What’s the difference between Americans and computers?

Americans don’t have trouble shooting

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

Where is the computer worm?

Idk, it ran-som-ware

What’s the best brand of computer for playing pop music?

A Dell

My computer gave birth today

Now I need to buy a baby monitor

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

How many Indians does it take to fix a computer?

Two.

One to call tech support.

One to answer.

What ever you do, don't use 'beef stew' as your computer password.

Apparently its not stroganoff...

What do computers identify as?

Binary

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

What does a woman and a computer have in common?

Neither would take a 3.5 inch floppy.

I'm not happy with my new Quantum Computer

Every time I try to solve a problem it collapses

Do not install adblock on your computer or phone

Now all the hot single moms don’t want me anymore

My computer died after getting a virus.

It was a terminal illness.

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

What happens if you don't turn on your computer for a year

It loses it's drive

Widow at the funeral

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam's wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right" replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper...

Why did the astronaut take his computer's keyboard apart?

He was looking for the Space Bar.

what do you call a really small computer file full of pastry recipes?

Little bytes

My computer always wins when we play chess

But it's no match for me in kick-boxing.

If we're really not in a computer simulation..

Does that mean that we're all non-binary?

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got...

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

Excorcising an evil computer be like...

The power of Christ compiles you!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPILES YOU!

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If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

[OC] What do you call a lizard supervising computer screens of other lizards who are attempting an online exam

Monitor monitor monitor monitor monitor monitor

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

SyntaxError: unexpected EOF while parsing

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

Things you can say about your computer but not your partner

I'll start,
It takes me three tries to plug in my stick

My computer kept crashing

It turns out I had a bad driver.

I just came up with this tonight but I can totally see the joke having been come up with before, so if it has please let me know.

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

I got a computer to analyse every episode of Married With Children and it developed sentience based on what it learned.

It's an AI Bundy.

How do you catch a fish with a computer?

Use click bait.

Two computer nerds start arguing about if they have to pronounce it gif or jif.

The argument gets extremely heated and it goes on for hours.

In the end they just decide to have the sandwich with just the jelly.

What's the similarity between my brain and my computer hard drive?

Both are actively deleting memory and I have no idea why.

What does a karen do when they get mad at a computer?

They demand to see the task-manager!

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

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Why did the chronic masturbator's computer crash?

There was too much load on the CPU.

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