A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework

she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

A computer walks into a bar

When the bartender asks how many drinks he wants, the computer holds up three fingers.
“I’ll take 7.”

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

What’s the best pickup line for a computer girl

You turn my software into hardware

What's the difference between an American and a computer?

An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.

Have you heard an ex Vice President is releasing a computer generated reggae album?

It's called Al Gore Rhythms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

what's the difference between my computer and Paul walker.

I care when my computer crashes.

Why did the computer cross the road?

It was programmed by the chicken

My computer told me it needed to free up some memory.

So I told it to forget it said that.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

Why was the computer late?

Because it had a hard drive

I want to tell you a computer joke

But you'll have to wait a bit.

What OS do Jedi run their computers on?

The DagobahSystem.

I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science

Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger.

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

What do Bad computers and Children have in common?

They're worth more if you sell their parts separately

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The computer is connected to watt?

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Noth...

What do a computer and a shark have in common?

They both have megabites

Grandpa asked me how to print on his new computer.

I said: "Just control-p."

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

How does a computer learn karate?

With a punch card

What do air conditions and computers have in common?

They work fine until you open Windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old computers can't compete with new ones when it comes to sex.

New ones have a lot more RAM

I wonder why Microsoft has opened an office inside my computer.

These predatory businesses are getting out of hand.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve

It was an apple with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed

I asked my mom why computers are so smart

Mom: because they listen to their motherboards!

What do you call it when a computer does something daily

A da-ta day routine

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike.

His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute...

Little Johnny wants a computer upgrade

Little Johnny was complaining to his mom that he needs a new computer, because the graphics aren't as clear as his friend's.

His mom looked at the monitor and said, it'll take her 10 minutes to upgrade the computer.

Johnny laughed. Mom could barely change a light bulb, but she was goin...

How do you make a Holy Computer?

You upgrade the hell out of it!

What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

Why can't a computer play tennis?

server unavailable

How big do computers like their snacks?

Byte sized

Lumberjacks are bad at fixing computers

They only know how to log out.

Got a B in my computer programming class

Call that a C++

Why was Stalin's computer so slow?

It was on a five year plan

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

What does an aggressive computer dinosaur do?

An aggressive computer dinosaur goes **.rar** to assert its dominance

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

A physicist asks his friend “want to test out my new quantum computer?”

Friend agrees, sits down and quite impressed says “oh wow, would you look at that”

Physicist: “Great... I guess I need to get a new one”

My brain is like a government computer

It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

I forgot to save my new book, “1000 Ways to Cure an Itch” before my computer died.

Guess I’m starting again from scratch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

how a computer gonna ask me if i’m a robot

muthafucka YOU ARE the robot

Whenever I feel tired, I go over to my computer and press F5.

It's just so refreshing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I showed my grandfather some BDSM porn on his new computer. He said, "I just don't understand you young whippersnappers."

I think he meant: "snapper whippers."

What is the most commonly used computer programming language?

Profanity.

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot couldn't determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to t...

How did the young computer geek refer to his AI-based girlfriend?

His "Databae"

Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes ...

Computer problems

I had a close friend who was tragically killed by an axe murderer. Strangely, I recently received a friend request from him on Facebook... I think he’s been hacked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the bathroom at a computer convention

Someone from Microsoft comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel, wipes his hands, takes another towel, wipes his hands more and repeats it another time, commenting "At Microsoft, we are very thorough".

Someone from Intel comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel and w...

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

What kind of computer virus attacks kids

A PDF file

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer?

Because he spoke python.

Haha
Haha

A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...

Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.

It is not stroganoff.

My grandpa isn't very computer savvy

So my Grandpa (72) got on the internet only recently and is still very unsure about how to use it. A month or so ago I taught him how to use email, to his amazement.
I also showed him how web browsing works and showed him how to put questions into Google search.
Yesterday he was planning t...

A man born without legs just became the first to undergo a 24-hour procedure to transfer his consciousness into a computer

Overnight he went from just somebody to nobody.

What are Russian computers best for?

ComPutin.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

I am rebranding computers' energy saving mode

It's a power nap.

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.

Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

What happens if someone throws a computer at you?

It mega hurts...

I'll leave now sorry

On the train to a computer convention

Three developers from Red Hat and three from Microsoft use the train to get to a convention. The three devs from MS buy a ticket each, the three devs from RH buy only a single ticket together. The devs from MS sit down in the same cabin to see how they get thrown out.

As the conductor comes,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

What do you call a competition for computers?

A ChampionChip

Senior Computer Security?

Senior Computer Security?

My memory is going Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect”.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6 ...

I was drinking beer at the computer and spilled a whole can on my keyboard..

RIP.
We had some good times..

Good thing I had another one in the fridge.

How difficult would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York?

It would be a hard drive.

Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.

What message does a quantum computer have when you view an image?

"Do you want to save changes?"

My computer and air conditioner have something in common.

They both lose efficiency whenever i open the Windows.

Italian Computer Repair shop

Everytime I try to use Microsoft's search engine on my Italian laptop, the computer explodes. I took it to my Italian Computer repair store. The Italian repairman said "What seems to be the problem? Please keep it brief" so I said "Bad-a-Bing, Bad-a-boom!"

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?

A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".

A little computer humor

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

Sharing for my 70 yr old mother. Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards.

In 500 years when computers become sentient ai beings...

Would they be considered nonbinary?

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

Why were older computers heavier?

Because they used a FAT file system!

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

How do you make a computer say ‘5’?

You’ll figure it out. It’s Programming Binary 101.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick,

but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

I lost my computer RAM.

I guess I will have to take a trip down memory lane to buy a new one.

How does a computer learn something new ?

Bit by bit

My ex girlfriend was like a faulty computer

I could turn her off. The hard part was turning her on again

My dad helped me fix my computer today

He told me the error code was “One D Ten T”. I didn’t understand what he meant until he told me to write it out.

Still don’t get it tho.

Why do computers love comedians?

Because they like processing their bits.

When Orion set up his new computer, he had to add a password

He wanted to put "my belt" but it would always show up as ***

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

A theological one for the computer scientists

After the animals exited the ark, the Lord came to the animals and the Lord spoke "Go forth and multiply".

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, we cannot fulfil the commandment, for we are adders"

Thus spoke the Lord "Go and cut down the trees, and out of the trees you shall fashi...

What is the difference between a woman and a computer?

Women don't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

What do they call the line of code in the computer program that tracks global warming trends?

The Al-Gore-ithm

Why can't elephants use computers?

Because they are scared of the mouse

I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game.



I think it is just too weak.

A computer got bitten by a mosquito

Its got mal-waria

(NSFW) A redneck bought a computer and he was trying to browse internet with his friend.

They came across a shopping website which they mistook for a dating website and went to the lingerie section .

After a long selection, his friend said " look this woman wearing red lingerie is really gorgeous and is only $49.99. order her" .

So he went and ordered it .

2 weeks l...

A friend of mine made a funny joke about computers.

but it wasn't funny. Not one bit.

Why does my computer only have a motherboard?

Because my fatherboard left to get milk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

All of the cows on the farm networked all of their computers so they could stream the latest Disney film

They set up a moo LAN.

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