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Compute Jokes

A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.
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My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
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The oldest computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.
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A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...
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What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
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My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a problem with my computer yesterday...

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

(A new addition) What's the difference between an American and a computer?

A computer has troubleshooting.

Also,

it can abort.
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The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital

So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."
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I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*
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Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...
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My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
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A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...
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How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.
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A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn't working.

Quantum IT support: "Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?"
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Why do Americans have good computers?

Because they have no troubleshooting.
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Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
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Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...
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Difference between computers and woman

Unlike computers a woman will reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
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Where do pirates store their computer data?

In an ARRay.
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What do women and modern computers have in common?

Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy
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What's a computers worst memory??

Terrorbytes!
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Why can't you use beef stew as a password on your computer?

It's not stroganoff
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My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”
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Why is Voldemort so good with computers?

He's fluent in Python
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My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
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What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.
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How do computers get drunk??

You know... they just take SCREENSHOTS
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A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's ...
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How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?

By checking how they pronounce the word “bios”
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My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

A computer science student...

...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. “You can’t see that, it’s private!”
The second student protested, “But we’re in the same class”
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Why did the computer take up gardening?

Because it wanted to improve its root system!
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I told my computer I needed a break

and now it won't stop sending me vacation ads.
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The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ...
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What does the baby computer call it’s father?

Data.
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A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...

It says, "I'll be your server today."
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How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer?

Dos
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I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.
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What do you call a vampire with a bachelors in Computer Science

cout << "Dracula";
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Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.
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A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...
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My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

Don't worry guys, i think she's jokinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u
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Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....
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Breaking news: Yevgeny Prigozhin of the Wagner Group has installed Linux on his computer.

He's trying to stay away from Windows.
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Computer

They say that the new super computer knows everything.

A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with Your father is fishing in Michigan.

The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I k...
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Having touble getting into my computer...

Enter Password: "FootLoose"
...

Wrong, Try again: "DangerZone"
...

Wrong, you are locked out! You are only allowed 2 incorrect Loggins.
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How did the computer hacker escape the police?

He just ransomeware....
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- Hi, my name is computer.

- Hi, Im virus! Where are you from?

- Im from USA. And you?

- Im from USB!
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Why was the computer cold?

Because it left its Windows open!
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A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."
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computers vs humans?

The best joke on mankind is that computers ask humans to prove they are not robots...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill complained to his friend that his elbow hurt, so his friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.

He said ''Just insert a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he inserted the sam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of women are computer programmers attracted to?

BASIC bitches, obviously..

Swedish Computer Terms



|Term|Definition|
|:-|:-|
|Log On:|Makin' da vood stove hotter!!|
|Log Off:|Don't add no more vood!!|
|Monitor:|Keepin' an eye on da vood!!|
|Download:|Gettin' da vood off da truck!!|
|Mega Hertz:|Ven yer not careful gettin' da firevood!!|
|Floppy Disc:|Vat yew get from ...
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What do computers like to eat?

Microchips
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Two computers walk into a bar. The first computer says “1110001010011011.” The second computer replies “2”.

The first computer says, “Oh, so you’re non-binary?”
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What's a computer's favorite pop star?

A Dell
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best Computer Science Joke!

A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman's breasts.
"Hey!" she says. "Those are private!"
The man says, "But we're in the same class!"

Why is it safest to hire female sheep as computer programmers?

They always have multiple baaa-cups.



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My computer becoming literally an ecosystem

Mouse,virus,bugs, python are living here.
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I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster
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A husband and a wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband said, "Put MYPENIS."

The wife fell on the ground laughing because on screen was an error message...

"Error. Not long enough."

I was hungry so I went to the computer store

I heard you could get a megabyte
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How did computers run before Microsoft?

Well.
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I feel so cold using the computer.

Because I opened too many windows.
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Why do computers hate going to their file storage?

Because it's a hard drive.
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A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets ...
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What are Russian computers best for?

ComPutin.
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Yesterday my computer beat me in a chess game.

It’s still no match for me at kickboxing though.
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How does a computer respond to a good joke?

101
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Which part of a computer was overworked and tired?

The keyboard. Because it has two shifts.
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What did the duck say when he broke the quantum computer?

Quark
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is your ass a computer?

Because I want to back it up to a 3 inch floppy.

How did the analog computer come out to their parents?

"Mom, Dad, I'm non-binary."
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What is Forest Gump's password for his computer?

1Forest1
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Why did the computer go to a cyber cafe?

Because it needed a byte to eat.
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What do computers and pooping have in common?

They both end when you logout.

There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science

0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors
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Where did the computer mouse go to get a drink?

The spacebar

And you know I’ve been to a couple spacebars before, they’re all exactly the same. Great food, no atmosphere.
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My computer program won’t run

Did I need to install legs or something?
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So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.
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How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.
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What is OJ Simpson's computer password?

Slash Slash back-Slash escape.
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“I've created a new computer that is almost human."

"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"

"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."
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A computer scientist was once offered the opportunity to feed a shark.

He turned it down, because he did not want to RISC losing his ARM.
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My computer crashed at work

Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
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Ever since I downloaded AdBlock on my computer...

All the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.
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What did the computer say to the group of numbers?

I'll Calc You Later
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My computer keeps screaming at me that it's run out of memory

But it's all bark and no byte
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

Putin declares all Russian government computers must be Macs

Rumor has it that he's scared to go near Windows.
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Trying to change my password to “MyPulloutGame” but the computer says its too weak.

All 7 of my children: “why are you crying dad?”
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My wife and I found some S&M videos on my son's computer...

"What should we do?"

"Well, we can't spank him."
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What do a bad computer and a bad racing team have in common?

Drivers that frequently crash
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what blood type are computers?

Typo
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My computer just said hello to me.

I think it's A Dell.
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Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
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Why did Spider-Man buy a computer?

So he can create his own websites
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My computer password in Incorrect

That way, if I type in a different password, it reminds me ‘Your password is incorrect’

And then I remember
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What computer monitor sings the best?

A Dell.
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Abraham asked Issac to upgrade his home computer

Issac reviewed the system and stated "Forgive me, Father but the system just doesn't seem to have enough memory."

and Abraham said "My son, God will provide the RAM."
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Why can't computers drive cars?

Because they keep crashing
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I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer

I saw it through my telescope last night.
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I've just bought one of those new singing computers.

It's a Dell.
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What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server
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I was speaking to a computer technician.

"How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him.

He said, "Tell her about my job."
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What do you call a computer error that's madly in love?

A 502 Down Bad Gateway
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My computer gave birth today

Now I need to buy a baby monitor
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