There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.

One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count ...

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

I can count on my fingers how many times I went to Chernobyl.

It was 14.

What are 10 things you can always count on?

Your fingers! Bu dum tssss

Why can’t you count on the horse senators support?

He always votes neigh

After watching the first episodes of HBO's Chernobyl, as a resident of Pripyat, I can count on one hand all of the inconsistencies I have noticed.

So far, there are 27.

If there's one thing i can count on...

It's my inability to count.

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

I got a new tattoo because I wanted my friends to be able to count on me. It read:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

My friend thought I was lazy because I could count on one hand how much I moved today...

They didn't know I was wearing a FitBit

We can always count on /r/jokes on April 1st...

for not making jokes like the rest of the subreddits.

Throughout my entire life, there have always been two things I can count on

My hands

A Day Off

An man goes to see his boss..

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.”

“COVID has us short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can't afford to give anyone...

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

Why is the calculator a man's best friend?

Because you can always count on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends decide to go on their honeymoon together...

One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge,

Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night.

Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast!

Rob: you know how...

What's the difference between a lawyer and an abacus?

You can count on an abacus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Alabama wants a vasectomy, so he goes to his doctor.

"I need me one o' them vay-sectomies" the man told the doc.

The doctor tells him it's a simple procedure, all he needs to do is light an m-80 and count to 10.

That didn't make a lot of sense to the man, so he went to Emery to see another doctor

"I need me a vay-sectomy" said the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

I'd like to thank my legs

For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them

Last year I blew all my fingers off on the 4th of July

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

Do you know the difference between my old friends and a calculator?

For the calculator at least I can still count on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I can’t count on anybody.

I might buy you an exploding calculator...

But don't count on it.

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times...

So few that I can count on my fingers

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