My wife bought a fruit called a fig, she told me it was in the kitchen.

I remembered I have no wife and it was just a (fig)ment of my imagination.

Why’d the apple go out with the fig?

Because he couldn’t find a date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the first thing Eve said to Adam after eating the forbidden fruit?

Does this fig leaf make my butt look big?

Adam and Eve

Adam bit the apple and feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind a bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.

What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton?

They are both soft and crumble under pressure.

What's the difference between a Fig and a Fig Newton?

A Fig Newton is Force sensitive.

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walks into a neighborhood pub

The place is hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use ...

I could have sworn I saw fig flavored altoids the other day..

must have been a figment of my imagination.

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.

He...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

What scientific principle is demonstrated when cookies fall out of the cupboard?

Fig Newton's law.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

There was a male engineer on a cruise ship...

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew n...

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