I threw a fig newton at my buddy's straw cat he made for art class

It was a cat o' straw-fig failure

Why’d the apple go out with the fig?

Because he couldn’t find a date.

You ever been tricked into eating a fig against your will?

That’s a date rape.

Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

A nun in a pub

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room w...

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.


What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton?

They are both soft and crumble under pressure.

What's the difference between a Fig and a Fig Newton?

A Fig Newton is Force sensitive.

I could have sworn I saw fig flavored altoids the other day..

must have been a figment of my imagination.

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

A guy goes into a costume shop.

A guy goes into a costume shop.
He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

The Nun and The Hooters

A Nun was lost one day and had to use the restroom

The Only place she could find was a hooters, and the place was rowdy but the second she walked in everyone got quiet.

Suddenly the lights go off and everyone cheers ,they come back on and everyone goes back to they were .

The Nu...

There was a male engineer on a cruise ship...

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew n...

what kind of cookies do atoms eat?

Fig neutrons