Why’d the apple go out with the fig?

Because he couldn’t find a date.

I used to think there were fig-flavoured mentos

but they were fig mints of my imagination.

Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

A nun in a pub

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room w...

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.

He...

What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton?

They are both soft and crumble under pressure.

What's the difference between a Fig and a Fig Newton?

A Fig Newton is Force sensitive.

What scientific principle is demonstrated when cookies fall out of the cupboard?

Fig Newton's law.

I could have sworn I saw fig flavored altoids the other day..

must have been a figment of my imagination.

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

Who’s Isaac Newton’s brother?

Fig Newton and he’s a hell of a lot stupider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

what kind of cookies do atoms eat?

Fig neutrons

There was a male engineer on a cruise ship...

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew n...

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