This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said.

Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Teacher: Do you know what estimate means

Student: Not exactly.

Teacher: Yes you are right.

Student: About what:

Teacher: Also correct.

Student: I guess...

Teacher: Indeed.






I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO END IT OFF I'M SORRY

An estimated 70% of women who wear yoga pants don’t do yoga.

An estimated 100% of straight men do not care.

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was ...

Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300.

I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.

Help wanted

If you are seeking S&M counseling is it ok to ask for a rough estimate?

How much does it cost to get good seats at Wrigley Field?

I don’t know, but I can give you a ballpark estimate.

In Colombia, the kids made a snowman.

Police estimated him at $ 25 million.

Cheap pastor

A cheap pastor had a church with significant need of a paint job. The estimate calls for 100 gallons of white latex paint but he decided to buy only one 20 gallon can he knows latex paint can be thinned with water. So he diluted 1:1 and it still coats and looks white. So he dilutes again to stret...

I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.

But unfortunately my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

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In China, archaeologists recently discovered the oldest known statue of a penis...

...carbon dating estimates it came from the Dong Dynasty.

A man walks into a restaurant and is told that there will be an estimated hour of waiting for a table

The man responds to this news by asking "Do you know who I am?"

Not recognizing him, the host immediately gives him the next available table in order to make it seem like he does.

"Does this table meet your expectations?" Says the host.

The man again replies "Do you know who I a...

How many times a day does a dog bark?

About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate.

Does anyone know the cost to maintain Fenway Park from season to season?

I don’t need exact figures, just a ballpark estimate.

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

A little boy to his father: "Daddy, how did I actually come into the world?" Daddy replies: "Alright my son, at some point we have to to this talking, so watch out:

Daddy got to know mommy in a "chat room." Later, daddy and mommy met in a "cyber cafe" and on the toilet, mommy wanted to do a few "downloads" of daddy's "Joy Stick". When daddy was then ready for the "upload", we suddenly realized that we had no "firewall" installed and it was already too late to p...

A man owns a factory with his wife

Everything's running smoothly, production is typical.

And then the factory explodes.

"This is bad," his wife says, "We have to get this factory rebuilt. We have to get production back on schedule. How long is it going take?"

The man pores over the papers for a moment, types som...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

Dr. Amrak, superintendent of the Tidder School District, was nervous about the upcoming budget meeting.

All of the schools in the district needed new benches and tables in their cafeterias. Unfortunately, the Tidder Comets were in a difficult financial situation, and all of the estimates for the cafeteria furniture were way too expensive. One day before the big meeting, Dr. Amrak told his secretary,...

I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

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A guy heads to the doctors office

It’s been a few years since he’s been in, so he decides to get a physical with blood work and labs.

He checks in with the same receptionist that was there years ago, and gets called in to see the doctor, who remembers him.

The doctor asks, “How have you been Pete?”

Pete replie...

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An engineer threw a party for all of his friends.

During the party, someone realized that the big lottery drawing was that night. Since they were low on beer, they decided to all come up with their lottery numbers and buy their tickets during the beer run.

The programmer created an interactive program, complete with simulated announcer readi...

There was a fire at my local dollar store

Damage is estimated to be in the tens of dollars

Bill Gates has a net worth of $86.9 billion

To get an estimate of how big that is, take your net worth and atdd $86.9 billion onto it

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A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering ...

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3 guys apply for a contractor job...

A Mexican, a Chinese guy, and an Italian. The job boss says to the Mexican, what’s your estimate for the job? The Mexican replies $150,000. He then says to the Chinese guy, what’s your price? The Chinese man says “I get good deal Chinese steel, $100,000”. He then asks the Italian who says, with a st...

Wife has hearing problems

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know t...

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The Bro Quiz (NSFW)

The Bro Quiz

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a lovemaking
b screwing
c the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a your views about what you e...

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

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Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

An Famous Statistician

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.

One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. ...

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In order to concentrate superior combat strength in one place,
economy of force must be exercised in other places.
Economy of force requires the acceptance of prudent risks in
selected areas to achieve superiority at the point of decision.
One account has it that Napoleon allowed a subor...

After the worse accident the town has ever seen

A lorry has managed to drive into a school, ran over students during their assembly. The paramedics estimate that the deaths number in more than a hundred person. In order to get to the bottom of the accident, a policeman started to question the driver.

Driver: I was just trying to avoid the ...

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

I'm gonna need some specs or an outline of the scope, before I can get you an estimate.

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

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A German engineer, an Indian engineer, and a Chinese engineer die and go to Heaven

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is there to greet them.

"As part of our skilled migration scheme, you will each have to propose a design for a planned 200 storey mixed-use development here in Heaven. The person with the most attractive proposal will be granted entry into Heaven. You have 4 day...

A penguin is out for a drive

on a beautiful afternoon when he decides to grab an ice cream cone. After enjoying his delicious vanilla cone he decides to be on his way. Just a couple of miles down the road, his car dies abruptly. But what luck!! Just down a slight incline there is an auto shop, so the penguin throws his car in...

Lightbulbs

How many Socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*One, as long as it's someone else's bulb.*

How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*None, the invisible hand of the market will screw it in.*

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lig...

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Chickens are Illuminati

As of 2011 there is an estimated 19 billion chickens in the world or 3 for every person. What has 3 sides? A triangle. Where can you see triangles? The pyramids. Where are the pyramids? Egypt. What did Egyptians worship? Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs are rivals such as chickens and turkeys. When do p...

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Another set of Jewish mom jokes

Seeing how my first post had a ~~huuuuge~~ kinda moderate success, here's another set.

Because it seems americains are not aware of the jewish mom stereotype, here is a rough translation of the French Wiki :

> The typical traits of the jewish mom include :
>
> * An exces...

Two warring nations....(kinda long)

Two warring nations have been fighting over their "holy land" for hundreds upon hundreds of years. One day, they decide to send their best philosopher to a duel of knowledge, to determine who truly deserves the "holy land". The only dilemma is neither nation speaks the same language.

So the t...

Apple Watch now comes with a new app...

It estimates how long you will have to wait in line for the Apple Watch 2.0.

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The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted an...

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A bet in a bar

A man sat down at the bar, ordered a beer and then said to the bartender: “I bet you 250 euros that I can stand on my bar seat and piss straight in that cup you’ve got back there without missing a single drop.”
The bartender estimates the distance at 2 meter, realizes his bar seats are quite wobb...

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Flight New York - London

"Greetings passengers, it's your pilot speaking, the estimated time of the flight is about 8 hours, the sky is clear, and we should have no issues reaching our destination in time." The pilot then proceeded to put down the plane's loudspeaker, but he forgets to turn it off, and says to his co-pilot,...

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A four hour flight...

An airplane took of from Gander, Newfoundland heading for Toronto, a four hour flight. After about twenty minutes in the air there was an announcement on the P.A. system: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. We have just lost power on our number one engine, but there is no reason to be alarme...

Crikey, more sad news from the world of technology: Anti-virus developer John McAfee is appearing in court for manslaughter...

They estimate the trial could last for 30 days.

Days after a massive F5 tornado hits Mississippi..

...financial experts estimate it did over 50 million dollars worth of good.

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