Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them

Will anyone get this?

I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.

It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.

I once met someone who refused to talk to people unless the conversation was about fashion.

He was very clothes minded.

A wife accompanies her poorly husband to see the doctor. After the check up the doctor asks to have a quiet word with the wife. He tells her that her husband is in a really poor way and unless she does the following her husband will surely die. ...

“Firstly, you must make him a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner daily. Try to be pleasant and make sure he stays in a good mood. Don’t ask him to do chores around the house. Allow him to relax in front of the TV with a glass of his favourite brew each day. Make love to him daily and satisfy his...

Things that are difficult

Sometimes its hard to swallow your pride.

Unless you are a cannibal lion.

Can you explain the difference between a noun and a verb?

"Hump" is a noun meaning "something on the back of a camel"... unless that thing is another camel, in which case, it's a verb.

You're welcome.

When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans.

Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid.

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

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Atti-la-lot

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!

Unless it’s a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...

A woman walked into Dr Smith’s office and introduced herself.

“Hi, I’m Dr Yvette Tan, I’ve just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice”.

Despite some misgivings, D...

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They say masturbation is sex with someone you love.

Unless you're me then it's a hate fuck.

Estate planning

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Spent all morning with my estate planning lawyer working on my will," he tells the bartender. "Turns out I can't leave all my money to an imaginary friend. Unless they have a church."

My son won’t eat rice unless it is white.

I told him that is ricest.

Silence is golden...

Unless you have children...

If that is the case, silence is suspicious.

It’s always good to be positive

Unless it’s a covid-19 swab test

Don’t challenge death to a pillow fight unless...

you can handle the reaper cushions.

One man cannot change the world ...

Unless obviously he eats an uncooked bat soup, then by all means!

TIL that in the 1820 Missouri Compromise, Missouri wasn't able to become a state unless Maine was also granted statehood.

As it turns out, Missouri loves company.

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out,...

How many Lithuanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, unless their arms got ripped off in some sort of horrifying accident, in which case it still only takes one, just a different one.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

My wife told me that she is going to leave me unless I stop treating everything like it's a joke...

With a sombre look on my face, I nodded my head and told her to take a seat so we could have a serious conversation about it as adults.

That's when I pulled her chair.

What has a bunch of KKK’s and has been hated on for a long time, and will probably be hated until they’re all gone, unless they keep reproducing?

Kim. Khloe. Kourtney. Kris. Kanye. Kendall. Kylie.

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.
But then you would or wouldn't get it, unless you make a measurement.

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Nobody should be ashamed of what their sexual kink is, unless your kink is being humiliated.

Then you should be very ashamed you nasty little pervert.

Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is...

What do you have if you have more than one violin?

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Fat shaming is unacceptable...

...unless you disagree with me politically you fat fuck

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3 men get drunk at a bar...

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"

Third guy goes: "I've never told...

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

Communism sounds good on paper...

..unless you’re reading a history book.

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

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I refuse to have sex unless my girlfriend tries to suffocate me with a pillow.

I'm a smotherfucker.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened

Unless it didn’t happen then keep on crying

I’m about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

My wife has been treating me like a god lately...

Ignoring my existence, unless she needs something from me

My wife said to not call her fat unless I call her pretty...

... so I said “You’re pretty fat.”

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A male praying mantis sees a hot praying mantis at the bar

"Hey girl... you want go back to my place?"

"fuck off!"

"OK, woman, no need for you to bite my head off...unless you want to."

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Same shit different day. Unless you're a Plumber.

Then it's different shit same day.

I will NEVER EVER set a foot in this office again unless boss takes his words back, I swear!

This morning he said, "You are fired."

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Unless you're Tutankhamun

Being a full time mummy is not a fucking job.

“My bad” and “I’m sorry” mean the exact same thing!

Unless you’re at a funeral.

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There's nothing better than suprise wake-up sex...

Unless you're in prison.

Everyone goes through life looking out for #1...

Unless they are walking through a cow pasture. Then they look out for #2.

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asks.

"I'm smoking." replied a middle-aged woman.

"Sorry, ma'am but you shouldn't be calling 911. Please contact an expert if you need help." The operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

"911, what's your emergency?" t...

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

No means no! Unless she's dyslexic...

...Then it's on.

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Gingerbread house (long)

Me and my good friend John went camping one time, but after we left our campsite for a walk we got lost. After two weeks of walking around the forest, trying to find our way out, or at least something to eat, we stumble onto a little meadow with a gingerbread house in the middle.

As you can i...

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News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

(NSFW) How is Santa Claus similar to Bill Cosby?

They won't come unless you're asleep.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder unless?

it's Kanye West.

They say “cellar door” is the prettiest combination of words in the English language,

Unless you live in Boston.

Joke

So a man walked into a bar and said “I’ll take a coffee.” The woman serving asked him to pay and he did. He drank the cup of coffee and thanked the waitress. Then he asked for another. He looked through his pockets and there was no money. She saw it and said, “Money or no coffee.” Which he replied w...

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Heard in court.

An elderly lady was on trial for murder and the judge asked the woman to reitrate what had happend.

“Well, I had been on a date with this man, yes even at my age, and I asked him in for a cup of coffee. As we sat on the couch he put his arm around me.” The lady answered.

“That seems al...

O’Malley is leaving his favourite bar when he is run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test.

O’Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.

St Peter decides to go easy on him. “What has five fingers and is made of black leather?” he asks.
O’Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up.
“It’s a glove,” says St Peter. “

Let’s try again...

How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire?

Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

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For the democrats: Abortion: Yes, and guns: No

For the republicans: No abortion, but we like guns. All life is sacred


Unless it enters my fucking property
*loads shotgun*

How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world?

8 bucks. Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.

There's always multiple sides to a story, unless you're at a library...

...then there's multiple stories to a side.

Keep your clairvoyant chipper [OC unless I accidentally stole this]

When I was a single man, I dated a series of psychics. For the first date, I brought a dozen long stem roses, and she said it was too much, and was angry. So for the second psychic, I brought nothing, and she too was offended. For the third psychic, I settled for a single rose, and I finally found a...

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[NSFW] A man is on a date with an attractive woman. She tells him "I won't sleep with you unless you have a 12 inch dick."

The man responds "I don't fold my dick in half for anyone."

Clap on and off lights are okay,

unless they’re in a bedroom.

When under stress, you have to choose between the fight or the flight response. Unless...

you're a fighter pilot...then you can do both.

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

The missus has threatened to leave me unless I stop drinking.

Which is ironic, given she is the reason I drink.

Reddit is kinda like Instagram, I hate to say

Nobody cares unless you show your cake

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

Unexpectedly meeting a celebrity is cool, unless....

It's Chris Hansen.

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St. Peter is at the pearly gates and decides no one is getting in unless he hears how they died...

So the first guy steps up and St. peter asks "Alright, how did you die?"

The guy says "Well, I've had a hunch for a while now that my wife has been cheating on me. So I decide I'm going to come home from work early and catch her in the act. I get to our apartment building and I'm so fired up ...

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3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

today you are one day closer to eating your next servings of nacho. unless you die tomorrow and never get to eat any nacho

then tomorrow is nacho lucky day

Asking for charity

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman well-known for her charity.

“Please, mam,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family at the other end of the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into...

My family treats me like a God

They forget that I exist unless they want something

Your dinner won't be long.

Unless it's spaghetti.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

Unless you want to go skydiving twice.

"Nothing is certain but death and taxes"

Unless you're Trump apparently

I’ve been bored lately so I decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they’ll call the police unless I put it back.

Cardi B was hosting a private pool party...

With music bumping, and social media blowing up with post about where it was, tons of fans were trying to get in, but bouncers turned them all away unless Cardi B gave approval herself.

As the party reached its peak, screams started coming from the pool and everyone rushed out getting water ...

Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

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The adventures of Bob and Frank... (real horrible OC)

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing o...

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Sex before marriage is a sin

Unless you do a doggy style

Because all dogs go to heaven

My Girlfriend couldn’t remember the name of a certain 90s sitcom.

I told her, Blossom (that’a my nickname for her), let’s take this Step by Step. We are far from Perfect Strangers, so I will Coach you through this. As Time Goes By you will see that I’m a Smart Guy, but If I can’t help you, we will start calling our Friends for help. Except for your brother Frasier...

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

A man points a gun at a brunette.

He's going to count to 3 and shoot her unless she gives him her purse. He starts counting, "1...2...3". Then she suddenly yells, "Cops!!!". The man looks the other way and she runs away. The man then points the gun at a redhead and says the same thing. He starts counting, "1...2...3". Then she sudde...

Hearing that Jesus loves you is a very comforting thing

Unless you’re in a Mexican prison

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Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?

Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

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Dreams are like pictures...

Unless I’m in it or somebody is having sex, I don’t give a shit about yours.

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