Unless Jokes - 70 Hilarious Unless Jokes

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the st...

If you get lost in the Canadian wilderness, don’t panic unless you see at least one grizzly stalking you.

That’s the bear minimum.

My girlfriend threatened to leave unless I stopped being delusional and admitted that I am not a Transformer

But I told her “Babe, I can change!”

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them

Will anyone get this?

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless...

you’re prepared to face the reaper cushions.

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Same shit different day. Unless you're a Plumber.

Then it's different shit same day.

Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers.

Then it becomes suspicious.

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

It’s not a communist joke unless...

Everybody gets it.

My girlfriend said she'd leave me unless I promised to stop quoting oasis all of the time

I said maybe

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Unless you're Tutankhamun

Being a full time mummy is not a fucking job.

No means no! Unless she's dyslexic...

...Then it's on.

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is...

What do you have if you have more than one violin?

Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.

It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.

My son won’t eat rice unless it is white.

I told him that is ricest.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder unless?

it's Kanye West.

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

Socialist jokes won't work unless

Everyone helps write it.

I once met someone who refused to talk to people unless the conversation was about fashion.

He was very clothes minded.

Unexpectedly meeting a celebrity is cool, unless....

It's Chris Hansen.

My wife said to not call her fat unless I call her pretty...

... so I said “You’re pretty fat.”

Keep your clairvoyant chipper [OC unless I accidentally stole this]

When I was a single man, I dated a series of psychics. For the first date, I brought a dozen long stem roses, and she said it was too much, and was angry. So for the second psychic, I brought nothing, and she too was offended. For the third psychic, I settled for a single rose, and I finally found a...

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Nobody should be ashamed of what their sexual kink is, unless your kink is being humiliated.

Then you should be very ashamed you nasty little pervert.

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I refuse to have sex unless my girlfriend tries to suffocate me with a pillow.

I'm a smotherfucker.

I’m about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

There's always multiple sides to a story, unless you're at a library...

...then there's multiple stories to a side.

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."

"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of most expensive wine on the menu

She sends me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So i wrote back," Return me the wine; As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."

TIL that in the 1820 Missouri Compromise, Missouri wasn't able to become a state unless Maine was also granted statehood.

As it turns out, Missouri loves company.

My wife told me that she is going to leave me unless I stop treating everything like it's a joke...

With a sombre look on my face, I nodded my head and told her to take a seat so we could have a serious conversation about it as adults.

That's when I pulled her chair.

"I'm sorry" & "I apologize" mean the same thing unless...

you're at a funeral.

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

I will NEVER EVER set a foot in this office again unless boss takes his words back, I swear!

This morning he said, "You are fired."

People treat me like a god

They ignore my existence unless they need something

When under stress, you have to choose between the fight or the flight response. Unless...

you're a fighter pilot...then you can do both.

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

I’ve been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

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St. Peter is at the pearly gates and decides no one is getting in unless he hears how they died...

So the first guy steps up and St. peter asks "Alright, how did you die?"

The guy says "Well, I've had a hunch for a while now that my wife has been cheating on me. So I decide I'm going to come home from work early and catch her in the act. I get to our apartment building and I'm so fired up ...

Make her laugh and you’ll have her heart.

Unless she’s laughing at your bank account……

r/jjokes

I guess aliens don't exist, I'm pretty sure Trump would've spilled the beans, unless he's keeping them secret until next election...

... so he can run on the campaign of "building a roof to keep America safe from aliens."

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its a...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

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Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

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Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

Edit: Wow. So to all you humorless twats getting offended over a joke, I heard this while visiting my grandmother in the hospital. The Jewish woman (who was probably a little senile) that shared a room with her told me th...

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[NSFW] A man is on a date with an attractive woman. She tells him "I won't sleep with you unless you have a 12 inch dick."

The man responds "I don't fold my dick in half for anyone."

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

'I'm sorry' and 'My bad' means the same thing.

Unless you're at a funeral.

Did you hear about the judge who gave the jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...

Cocaine is never a solution...

Unless it's dissolved in water.

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

But is it murder?

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?" "Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

today you are one day closer to eating your next servings of nacho. unless you die tomorrow and never get to eat any nacho

then tomorrow is nacho lucky day

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

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Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

A man goes into a bar with his dog.

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink a...

I’m unhappy with prime day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st

A wife accompanies her poorly husband to see the doctor. After the check up the doctor asks to have a quiet word with the wife. He tells her that her husband is in a really poor way and unless she does the following her husband will surely die. ...

“Firstly, you must make him a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner daily. Try to be pleasant and make sure he stays in a good mood. Don’t ask him to do chores around the house. Allow him to relax in front of the TV with a glass of his favourite brew each day. Make love to him daily and satisfy his...

My family treats me like a God

They forget that I exist unless they want something

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There's nothing like waking up to sex in the morning...

Unless you're in prison!

O’Malley is leaving his favourite bar when he is run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test.

O’Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.

St Peter decides to go easy on him. “What has five fingers and is made of black leather?” he asks.
O’Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up.
“It’s a glove,” says St Peter. “

Let’s try again...

Don't criticize Ron DeSantis.

Unless you have walked a mile in his shoes.

A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

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