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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

What do you call a disappointing bondage session?

BDSMH

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The true meaning of disappointment is

Running into a wall with a boner and breaking you nose first.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

I just learned that "Space Rock" is a genre, and is slightly disappointing,

that no one just called it "Asteroid"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

My friend told me she's majoring in being disappointed and almost getting what she wants

She's the only poly-sigh major I've met so far

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing

I used the finest tuxedo!

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

A bear opens up a grocery store in the woods

A bunny walks in the store and goes to the bear.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

“No I don’t” responded the bear.

A few minutes pass and the bunny asks again.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

The bear confused responds.

“You just...

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

Why did the elderly couple leave their camping trip disappointed?

Because the old man couldn’t pitch a tent.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

What's four inches long, two inches wide and always disappoints women?

An empty toilet roll

It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.

I was also disappointed by BBC news.

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last night a girl asked me for sex and i had to disappoint her

we had sex

Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to London?

She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

Why were the people at the conference so disappointment after seeing the pie they were promised?

It was Ajit Pai

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day in...

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I just took my sausage dog back to the pet shop. Really disappointed with it.

The sausages it made were fucking disgusting.

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If you ask me for sex I’m going to have to disappoint you.

I mean yes we can have sex just it will be disappointing.

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

How do you disappoint a Redditor?

[removed]

It was a sad and disappointing day

When I discovered my universal remote control did not in fact control the universe.

Not Even remotely..

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

A teenage boy passes his driving test ...

.. asked his father when he would discuss using the car.

His father said he was making a deal with his son, "You raise your grade from C to B average, learn your Bible a little, and cut your hair. Then let's talk about the car."Decided and they agreed to it.

About six weeks later, his ...

Why did a customer leave the blockbuster store disappointed?

They were never going to give him Up.

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My first husband was a much better lover, the wife said after a rather disappointing sexual encounter.

Of course he was, the husband replied. He had a much younger wife.

Traveling salesmen and the farmer

A traveling salesmen is driving through the country one evening when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm house and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, he explains his situation and kindly asks to use his phone.

The farmer replies “Well we haven’t got a phone here, but ...

I’m so disappointed.

I found out my pillow case is nothing but a sham.

I am disappointed.

I cracked a chemistry joke but there was no reaction.

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Too big for Pedro

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.

One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."

Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."

So he ca...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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When it comes to sex I've never seen a disappointed look on any woman's face.

That's the advantage of doggie style.

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Me (to a sentient piece of human shit): "Hey, what were you before you were shit?" Shit: "Well, before I was consumed, masticated, and digested, I was a beautiful French baguette." "Does it disappoint you, that you were once so beautiful but are now a piece of shit?

"Are you kidding? I was bread for this."

I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow

But he's outstanding in his field!

A 12 inch.....

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

“WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”...

I tried to throw a big orgy last night, but It was a bit of a disappointment

nobody came

Why was Santa disappointed that he got a sweater for Christmas?

Because he wanted a squirter, or at least screamer.

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Newby Salesperson (Long joke)

NOTE: My husband thinks this joke is sexist, but I think it's hilarious.

A young man desperately needed a good paying job, so he applied as a salesperson for a large, everything-under-one-roof store.

The manager, seeing how young the man was, was doubtful he could sell anything, but th...

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the...

I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears

Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage

A man kisses his wife goodbye and leaves to work early in the morning

His wife calls her 2 lovers to come in just as her husband leaves. None less than 2 hours later the husband arrives.

"Quick hide, it's my husband" she says to the 2 men.

The first guy hides in the attic and the second one hides under the bed.

The man enters the bedroom seemingly...

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In Wild West, a poor miner goes to a brothel

He had worked very hard and saved money but when he asked for a girl, they all turned out to be too expensive for him. Seeing his disappointment, the madam took a pity on him. She handed him a small wooden board with a hole in the middle and said,

"Here, you can look at the girls and fuck thi...

What comes every month, expectantly but often disappointing and makes women wish they were men?

Salary.

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Was very disappointed when I settled down for a good ......

Was very disappointed when I settled down for a good wank, as i discovered that all I could get was a dark video of a fat naked man sitting on his sofa with his cock in his hand.....

...turns out I had forgotten to turn the TV on.

I tried to find an anagram for "napping idiots."

The result was disappointing.

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A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

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After God created the world and Adam & Eve

[NSFW]

He still had 2 gifts left. God said: "The first is to stand up and pee..."
"uh, pick me, pick me, I want that" Adam interrupted.
"You don't want to hear what the other one is?" God replied, but Adam was already on his way to test out this new gift.
"Very well, eve!" God said...

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A husband and wife are looking to spice up their sex life

The husband comes home one day with a shopping bag from a costume shop. "I've got a surprise for you. I thought we could try a little role-playing tonight. I'll call you into the bedroom after I've changed."

The wife becomes excited as she waits to be summoned to an erotic night of love-makin...

I was disappointed when it didn’t snow on my wedding day...

But I did get 8 inches on my honeymoon.

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

A man goes to see a seer

He knocks his door, from the inside the seer shouts "who is it?"

Disappointed, the man walks away.

I have this habit of disappointing my parents

I have this habit of always disappointing my parents, last week I told them I was doing the bar exam, I was actually doing a pub quiz but it’s the same difference.

After viewing the disappointing post-debate polls, Trump asked Kushner how to do better in the following debate.

Jared said,"be positive, spread your positivity, and after all is said and done, try to come across as a patient person"

You’ll be disappointed.

Wanna hear a bad time travel joke?

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Now we know where little Johnny got it from

When little Johnny was 8 years old, he asked his father if he could have a bb gun. His father looked him in the eyes, and asked him; "I don't know son, does your dick reach your asshole?"
Little Johnny ran to the bathroom to check, only to come back disappointed.

"No sir"

"Well, th...

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

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Damn Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class on a Thursday and the teacher made an announcement. She said that she was going to start asking one question every Thursday and if anyone got the correct answer school on Friday would be dismissed. So the first question was...How much does the earth weigh? Little v...

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

Halloween is about to be so disappointing.

Might end up just dressing as a handyman and getting some stuff done around the house.

A comedian didn't want to disappoint his fans

A comedian didn't want to disappoint his fans, so when a couple asked if he wanted to smoke a joint with them after the show, he said sure.On the drive home, he noticed flashing lights behind him and pulled over.The officer came to the window and asked if he'd been drinking. The comedian said he had...

I planned to go to a class on how to deal with disappointments.

But it was cancelled.

Disappointed that the purchased LSD has no effect,

Ivan sat on his dragon and flew away.

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What do you get if you cross a bunch porn addicts and living disappointments?

The reddit community.

I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.

The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.

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Therapist: And what do we say when life disappoints us?

Me: Called it!

Therapist: Umm... No.

As a lad I never understood threesome.

Why would I want to disappoint 2 ladies at the same time.

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I met a girl in a club last night and after a few drinks, she asked if I would like to go back to her place for sex. I didn't want to disappoint her, so...

...I said "No."

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A man tries to initiate sex with his wife.

She tells him, "I'm sorry, honey. I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, so I want to be fresh". Disappointed, the man walks away.

Moments later, the man walks back to his wife and asks, "...You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?".

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

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Why was the porn star’s funeral so disappointing?

Nobody came

A man goed bear hunting for the first time in a long while...

Hiding in the woods he spots a bear through the scope of his hunting rifle. He aims... shoots... and hits the bear!

Excited to hit the bear in one shot he grabs his gear and runs over to where te bear was hit. But to his disappointed, the bear is not there and not a single trace of blood can ...

A politician finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says “I shall grant you any wish you ask, on the condition that when I ask, you set me free and when I ask you acknowledge my part in your wish.”

The politician agrees and after much consideration, he wishes that his lies and exaggerations would come true.

He holds a press c...

My first orgy was an experience to remember. I expected to it to be full of awkwardness and disappointment.

But thankfully all my cousins were really supportive.

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I was disappointed when they asked me if I knew how to fly a drone..

They wanted contraband, I thought they wanted nudes.

I ordered an extension course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.

Yesterday, I got the first lesson by post.

It was an empty envelope.

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A little boy wanders into a construction site next to his house.

A few hours later, he comes home and quickly finds his dad.

"Dad guess what. The guys at the construction site showed me how to build a house."

The dad excited, asked his son to show him what he learned. The son gets a roll of string, hands one end to his dad, runs to the other sid...

What did the disappointed mozart-fan infant say when he opened his gift?

Baby got Bach

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

Finding out the girl you took home from the bar is actually a guy is like heating your food in the microwave and it still being cold in the middle...

... It's disappointing, but you're gonna eat it anyway.

Is my girlfriend disappointed in my body?

A tiny part of me says 'yes'.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I was smoking some new weed with my buddies and they were all disappointed with how stoned they got.

I guess that's what happens when you have high expectations.

Walk like an Egyptian

I have to admit. I'm pretty disappointed. I met a guy from Egypt today He walked just like us.

This sub is really disappointing me lately.

I'm going to try the meatballs next time.

I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.

It just changes the color of the baby. :(

How do you disappoint a redditor?

Come back when this post is 10 hours old for the results!

The crab

A female crab saw a male crab walking straight, not sideways, like other crabs did.

‘This guy is really really special’, she thought, and asked him out. Soon they were married.

A few days later she saw him walking sideways just like the other crabs, and was disappointed and angry....

A very drunk guy starts beating up a nun on the street

He throws kicks, uppercuts, regular punches, even some drunk karate moves.



Once he is exhausted he steps back and says "You disappoint me, Batman"

The first time Snoop Dogg bought a pot pie he was probably very disappointed.

I’m sorry but I thought of this and nearly peed myself

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

Native American name - a true story

25 years ago, I worked with a guy named Kee Smith (last name changed here... this is really a real story). Kee was sort of a crunchy granola type of European ancestry. Eventually, he told the story about his unusual name.

He said he was born on a reservation, and he was placed in a bassinet...

You’ve probably heard this one before...

You’re such a disappointment

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My primary physician came in with a clipboard, shaking his head...

... "you're going to have to stop masturbating."


I couldn't believe it, "I mean I know I do it a lot, but why?"


The doctor looked up at me with disappointment, "Because I am about to give you an exam."

What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem?

Disappointment

I Lost My Hat

One Sunday before a church service, a priest notices a man sitting in a pew who he has not seen in years.

The priest approaches and says, "Wow! I can't remember the last time I saw you here! What brings you here today?"

The man replies, "Good morning, father! Well you see, ten years ag...

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

What is both a relief and a disappointment?

When you are done and she says: "Don't expect anything more"

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

Nintendo didn’t want a repeat of the disappointing sales from their Wii U.

It was clear that they needed to make a switch.

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I'm so disappointed in baby boomers...

My cum sock developed a better culture than them.

A pregnant woman is at the hospital with her husband, when they are asked if they'd like to try an experimental device.

The device transfers some of the pain of labour and contractions to the father, as a gesture of love and bonding between the couple. The two agree.


They hook up the man and the woman to the device, turn it on while the woman is having contractions, but nothing happens. Confused, they ti...

I wish my cereal didn't get soggy so fast.

But Life is often disappointing.

What do you call a mild disappointment?

This joke.

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Father, that is what you taught me

A world renown prostitute decided to make a "tournament". She was very experienced and very confident in her abilities. Anyone to just make her make as much as a sound during intercourse wins one million dollars. Men from all around the area lined up for a chance to win, no one succeeded.

Wo...

An old Lithuanian joke (roughly translated)

Two men of which one had a really bad stutter decided to climb mount everest. They set up at the bottom, waved to everyone who came to wish them luck and started climbing... Around 8 hours of exhausting climbing later the one with the stutter goes "I-I-I f-f-f-f" the other one cuts him off and goes ...

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

My dad use to call me a disappointment.

Now I just wish he’d call.

A group of pirates walked out of a strip club with disappointed looks on their faces.

They were hoping to find some booty, but all they got were sunken chests.

After a disappointing summer...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

My wife says she wanted a BBC for our anniversary....

But she looked so disappointed when I handed her a Big Box of Cookies

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I read that 30% of the internet is pornography and that really makes me disappointed in humanity...

...70% of the internet is being completely wasted.

Guy who invented TV spent years working on prototypes, testing, refining, finally got it to work, only to power it up and be disappointed.

There was nothing on.

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No one told me what to wear to my first premature ejaculation support group meeting.

So I just came in my pants and my wife was disappointed again.

You can’t spell disappointment without...

...dis pp

Robin: "Holy disappointment Batman, the TV remote doesn't work!"

Batman: "Have you checked the batteries?"

Robin: "What are teries?"

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