UPJOKE
dudbustcollapsefailurefoundercolloquialismfailrightfalldescendbreakdescentfall flatfall throughcave in

What do you call a fat flip-flop?

A Chunkla

LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

My tryout for the Tokyo Olympic diving team was a flop

But I made quite a splash with the judges.

What’s the difference between an abortion and a belly flop off the high dive?

The price

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

My latest moneymaking idea was a rubber beach shoe for one-legged people.

It was a flop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the O say to Q?

"Dude your dick is flopping out"

What do you call a socialist wearing flip-flops?

Bernie Sandals.

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.



Bonus Joke;

### Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

What goes Kaboom followed by a KaFlop?

A suicide bombers body

I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came

What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down?

Earectile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

I’m so poor….

That when people see me walking down the street with only one flip-flop on they say to me “ yo Juan you lost a flip flop” and I say “ no I didn’t, I found one!”

Splat goes the cat

a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat ... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the hou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 584 without sex.

Went jogging in flip flops just to remind me what it sounds like..

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops?

Because they lactose.

Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career.

At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.

Removing a part of my arm in the hope it will stop my hand flopping about uncontrollably...

That's a wrist I'm willing to take

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"

After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"

I said, "In my ear."

Why was the movie about fly fishing a box office flop?

Bad casting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his new guard dog

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a beer and the dog flops down on the floor and immediately starts licking its butt. "This is my new attack dog," the guy tells the bartender. "He's very dangerous." The bartender looks at the dog that is still flopped down, panting, licking. "He does...

While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

Why did the 007 movie about the Federal Reserve being robbed flop in theaters?

Because there's just not much interest left in the Bond.

I was just on my way down to the beach, and my wife asked me if I'd seen her flip-flops.

I hate it when she goes topless.

I'm like a fat lady's flip-flop...

...under a lot of pressure

My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. Sh...

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

Yo mama is so fat

She went out in high heels, and came back in flip flops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My go to joke- Guy sees “piano player wanted” sign window..

So he goes in, says he wants the job. Manager says, “alright, but 1st I gotta see if you’re qualified” So he plays a song and it drops the managers jaw “wow! That was amazing, was that Beethoven??” “No” the man replies “that’s an original. I call it ‘your tits are so big, my eyes are poppin outta my...

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy's wife won't orgasm

Jimmy's wife has never had an orgasm in bed with him.

It begins to annoy him so he goes to the doctor and asks for help. The doctor has an odd suggestion - that sometimes women are too warm and this impedes the process. So all he has to do is buy a fan and put it in the room, and it'll solve ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend gave my cock the nickname 'joke'

It flopped. She left.

What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

Flop-Flops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

Did you hear about the company's idea for a giant sandal?

Turned out to be a massive flop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex in so long...

I ran across the parking lot in flip flops just so I could remember the sound.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police respond to a disturbance call at a house...

The cop hears loud music blaring inside and pounds on the door. A ten year old boy answers the door wearing flip flops, boxer shorts, and a sport coat There's chocolate smeared all over his face, and he's holding a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other.
Cop asks, "Are your parents home, youn...

an overweight man visits the doctor

the receptionist shows him in

the doctor says "fortunately for you, we just got a new experimental pill in. instant weight loss. take it tonight, get a good night's sleep, and when you wake up you'll have shed all of your excess weight."

the man rushes home, takes the pill, and goes ...

Journal: As of February 5th, 2020...

... It’s been 2173 days since I’ve been with a girl... I had to go jogging in flip-flops yesterday to at least remind myself of the sound…

A Conductor composes am orchestra for king Jon un himself.

It takes them weeks, and it is the best orchestra that North Korea has ever seen. But when it came time to show him their original masterpiece, they flop. It’s absolutely horrible. So king Jon un sends the conductor to the electric chair to be executed.

The conductor is asked what he wishes f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest walks into a pub

A priest walks into a pub and orders a pint of Guinness. "There you go," says the barman." but I warn you we don't tolerate any religious conversation in this pub." "Far be it from me," replies the priest. "In fact, I bet you a drink that you mention religion before I do." "You're on," says the barm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 240 without sex:

Jogged around the house wearing my flip flops so that I could at least hear the sound.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before it starts...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time s...

What shoe can’t make up its mind?

Flip flops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Mary and Frank have been having some matrimonial issues...

No matter how hard he tries, Frank just can't bring Mary to orgasm anymore.

They decide to visit the doctor for help, because they love each other, in all the ways, and this lack of intimacy is bringing them both down emotionally.

Thankfully the doctor has the answer. He advises Fran...

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

This one was made by my 8 Year Old brother: How did the fish cross the road?

It wore flip FLOPS!

TIL Dennis Rodman once tried to start a topless women’s basketball league

The league flopped due to too little support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I designed an inflatable dildo.

But it was a flop.

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

An oldie but a goodie. [It's a version of an older joke]

On November 14, 1984, the United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.

In Africa, families were confused about what "food"...

A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.

Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering. The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator. He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator's mouth. Snap! The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are marooned on an island...

Three men are marooned on an island desperately seeking a way to get off.
A cannibal approaches them and flops his penis out. 'If the length of your three penises together is as big as mine, then I'll show you how to get off the island. Otherwise you'll be killed and eaten.' The native's nob was...

A duck walks into a PC repair store...(long)

Just an ordinary day in life, without any sense for anything being unusual about its presence there, the duck waddles up to the counter, looks at the clerk and asks:
(duck) do you have breead?
(clerk) uh... No. This is a PC repair shop. We don't sell bread.
Dejected, the duck waddles back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prisoners escape, end up at old ladies house... With a twist.

These 3 prisoners escape from jail and ran to the nearest house. They knock on a door and a sweet old lady walks out.

Lady: Hello

Prisoner 1: Lady please let us inside. PLEASE.

Prisoner 2: There are cops are outside searching for us.

Lady: Well ok, only on one condition.<...

My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be...

a flop.

The Priest & the Drunkard

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and ...

Fishes just finished it's box office run

It flopped.

A guy comes home from work,

He flops down in his favorite chair and yells, "Honey! Bring me a beer before it starts!" His wife br8ngs him a beer and he chugs it down. A few minutes later, "Honey, bring me another beer before it starts!" She reluctantly brings him a second beer and he chugs it down. Soon, he yells once more, "H...

No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.

Well, almost everyone.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are getting married

Coming from very conservative families, they had been completely chaste, never having even seen each other naked.

The day before their wedding, the woman comes up to her fiancé and says "Honey, I've got something to tell you. I've been stuffing my bra, I'm actually very flat chested" and the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy goes to the circus for the first time with his mom and dad...

His dad gets up and goes for a piss. While he's gone, one of the elephants rises up and rests his feet on a giant red ball. The little boy sees the elephant's genitals flop down and is shocked.

"Mommy! What's that thing under the elephant, that long hanging thing?"

Embarrassed, the mot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are discussing their recent wedding anniversaries

What did you get your wife? Says the first man.

"I bought my wife a 5 carat diamond ring and a new Mercedes Benz. So if she doesn't like the cut of the diamond, she can drive back to the store to exchange it. What did you get yours?"

"I got her a pair of flip flops and a new dildo. S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a bar walks up to the bartender...

...and says, pointing to an empty glass at the other end of the bar, "you see that glass over there? I bet you $500 that I stand right here and piss in that glass without spilling a single drop".

The bartender looks at the glass, which is about 5 meters away, turns to the guy and says "you ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.

So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.

The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so b...

What do you call a summer program that aims to assist the Jewish community by helping their children overcome the difficulties of ADHD?

Seriously, because my first idea was a huge flop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Friend, Ving.

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.

Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.

"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"

"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"

So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pai...

Do you know what would happen if you'd freeze someone to -273.15 degrees Clesius?

That person would be 0K

A priest, a bishop, and the Pope are enjoying a leisurely day of fishing...

...when the bishop stands up, rocking their dinghy a little as he stretches. "Well, I'm parched!" he announces. "Back in a verse," he adds before stepping out of the boat, casually walking across the lake to the cooler. *Amazing, he is truly blessed by the Lord to walk across water,* thinks the Pope...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man and a poor man both happen to be looking at birthday cards for their wives...

The rich man and poor man find out their wives share the same birthday.

The rich man proudly boasts what he got his wife for the special occasion.

"I got her a brand new Porsche **and** a diamond necklace. You see, if she doesn't like the car, I'll just give her the necklace! What di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses his penis in an industrial accident.

He wakes up in the hospital the next day. Upon hearing the news that the organ was unsalvagable the man was devastated.

"Doc, is there nothing you can do?"

The doctor explains that conventional medicine can do nothing for him. However, he adds, there is an experimental treatment. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fancy dress party

A factory hired two new <insert ethnic minority here> employees.
At lunchtime the HR dept officer tells them about the factory annual fancy-dress party that just happens to be on Saturday night.
"now guys, this'll be a great way to bond with your new co-workers, we are having a costume...

A homeless man...

A homeless man was walking down the street. His shoes were so worn out that the soles would flop around when he walked. One day, he was walking down the street when a man in a brand new Maserati and an expensive Italian suit pulled over by him. The man asked for the homeless man to come to him. He p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite Australian Aborigine joke

One day an Aborigine named Nigel was on vacation in the US enjoying a beer in a pub when a local man sat down beside him "You're one of them blacks from Australia, aren't ya?" Nigel nodded and had another sip of his beer.

The American man continued "i hear you guys are pretty good hunters"...

Dont say Jesus take the wheel if you don't have a car.

Say Jesus take my pumps or flip flops

An original.

The casting of the movie Grease was a slow process. They'd soon found their Sandy in Olivia Newton-John, but they just couldn't find someone to play Danny.

After weeks of Olivia reading lines with various actors and failing to have any chemistry with them the movie looked like it could be a f...

Trump, Putin and Kim Jong Un were all fishing on a lake one beautiful summer day.

Putin got hungry so he got out of the boat and walked on water to the shore and bought some sandwiches and walked on water right back and got in the boat.

Trump was amazed at what he saw and for once he was speechless.

Later Kim Jong Un was thirsty so he got out of the boat and walked ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.