UPJOKE
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Flop Jokes

I decided to put together a support group for erectile dysfunction

It was a big flop and nobody came.

My flip-flops keep disappearing all the time

That's why I call one of them Houdini and the other one dad

Why did the enterprise version of Norton Security Firewall flop?

Because it was .

My wife walks into the kitchen and sees me on the floor, gasping for air and flopping around. She turns around in disgust and walks back out.

Its my own fault.
She hates it when I act koi.

Yo mama's so fat

she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

there are ten kinds of people

Those who understand binary jokes, and those who don't.

My tryout for the Tokyo Olympic diving team was a flop

But I made quite a splash with the judges.

LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.

What do you call a socialist wearing flip-flops?

Bernie Sandals.

My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.

It was a flop.

What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

Flop-Flops

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down?

Earectile dysfunction

What do you call a fat flip-flop?

A Chunkla

Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops?

Because they lactose.

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

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317 days without ...

went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career.

At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.

Why was the movie about fly fishing a box office flop?

Bad casting.

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. Sh...

Removing a part of my arm in the hope it will stop my hand flopping about uncontrollably...

That's a wrist I'm willing to take

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

My friend and I tried to start an erectile dysfunction club...

...but it flopped and nobody came.

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Before it starts...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time s...

Have you seen the movie about the fish that works at the cardboard company?

Unfortunately, it flopped at the box office.

While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

I was just on my way down to the beach, and my wife asked me if I'd seen her flip-flops.

I hate it when she goes .

My latest moneymaking idea was a rubber beach shoe for one-legged people.

It was a flop.

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A little boy goes to the circus for the first time with his mom and dad...

His dad gets up and goes for a piss. While he's gone, one of the elephants rises up and rests his feet on a giant red ball. The little boy sees the elephant's flop down and is shocked.

"Mommy! What's that thing under the elephant, that long hanging thing?"

Embarrassed, the mot...

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A man and his new guard dog

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a beer and the dog flops down on the floor and immediately starts licking its . "This is my new attack dog," the guy tells the bartender. "He's very dangerous." The bartender looks at the dog that is still flopped down, panting, licking. "He does...

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

A duck walks into a PC repair store...(long)

Just an ordinary day in life, without any sense for anything being unusual about its presence there, the duck waddles up to the counter, looks at the clerk and asks:
(duck) do you have breead?
(clerk) uh... No. This is a PC repair shop. We don't sell bread.
Dejected, the duck waddles back...

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I designed an inflatable .

But it was a flop.

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What did the O say to Q?

"Dude your is flopping out"

Did you hear about the company's idea for a giant sandal?

Turned out to be a massive flop.

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My girlfriend gave my the nickname 'joke'

It flopped. She left.

What kind of sandals does a person with 2 left feet wear?

Flop flops

What shoe can’t make up its mind?

Flip flops

TIL Dennis Rodman once tried to start a women’s basketball league

The league flopped due to too little support.

A homeless man...

A homeless man was walking down the street. His shoes were so worn out that the soles would flop around when he walked. One day, he was walking down the street when a man in a brand new Maserati and an expensive Italian suit pulled over by him. The man asked for the homeless man to come to him. He p...

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I haven't had in so long...

I ran across the parking lot in flip flops just so I could remember the sound.

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Day 240 without :

Jogged around the house wearing my flip flops so that I could at least hear the sound.

The Priest & the Drunkard

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and ...

Journal: As of February 5th, 2020...

... It’s been 2173 days since I’ve been with a girl... I had to go jogging in flip-flops yesterday to at least remind myself of the sound…

Do you know what would happen if you'd freeze someone to -273.15 degrees Clesius?

That person would be 0K

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Police respond to a disturbance call at a house...

The cop hears loud music blaring inside and pounds on the door. A ten year old boy answers the door wearing flip flops, boxer shorts, and a sport coat There's chocolate smeared all over his face, and he's holding a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other.
Cop asks, "Are your parents home, youn...

Splat goes the cat

a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat ... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the hou...

Ace King for a friend

Is it a good hand for a pre-flop raise?

I threw my sandal at the light switch to turn it off, but I missed..

It was a complete flip - flop

Hillary Clinton has become so famous that they started naming footwear after her

They call it the flip flop

Did you hear about the new nightclub that opened called "Erectile Dysfunction"?

No? I'm not surprised; it was a complete flop. Nobody came.
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