A sign on an establishment reads "No all-knowing beings permitted."

The second line reads "You know what you did."

Once you've seen one establishment with multiple stores in it

You've seen the mall

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A dog and a rabbit are in a bar having a few drinks when a drunk decides that he doesn't like their kind patronizing his establishment.

He goes over and voices his displeasure with them being in HIS bar.
Now now take it easy slim, says the rabbit ,if you can solve this riddle we will buy you all the drinks you can have for the night. Well he thinks about it for a minute and thinks, why not. Ok then but if you get it wrong my dog...

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A Kotaku throwback

Best Buy Customer Rep: "Good afternoon, welcome to Best Buy. What brings you in to see us today?"

Customer: "I'm pretty interested in one of those new 3D tv's but I thought I'd check it out before I buy. I'm a little concerned over the image quality."

Rep: "I understand your concern si...

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

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A man recieves $500 for his birthday and decides to make a trip to his local brothel.

He walks inside the establishment and informs the madam that is is his birthday, so she offers him the birthday special. He hands over $250 and heads up the stairs entering the first room, to find a very attractive woman laying spread eagle on the bed.

Impressed by what the establishment has...

The bartender says no faster than light particles are allowed in this establishment.

A tachyon walks into a bar.

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the estab...

City counsel decides not to fine restaurant owner for digging a hole in his own establishment with a pickaxe...

They say he was just mining his own business.

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A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

He sits down at the bar and sees a pot of cash filled to the brim with notes. As he orders his drink he ask the bartender "what's with the pot of cash?"

The barman replies "we have a 3 tier game going on, winner takes all. £100 entry."

"Just out of curiosity, whats involved?" Asks the ...

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Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

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A trucker walks into a hotel...

... and says to the receptionist... “ I’ve been on the road for a couple of days. Give me your dirtiest, messiest room, some overcooked spaghetti with burnt sauce and the ugliest hooker in town!”

The receptionist said: “ Well, we have a reputation to uphold at our establishment! We’ll give yo...

So, I went to one of those new axe-throwing bars this weekend.

Expectedly, they make you sign a waiver and listen to an employee give a brief safety demonstration.

She got to the part where she emphasized to not drop the axes, as the establishment is not a fan of people missing toes. I can relate.

I, too, am lack-toes intolerant.

An SEO writer walks into a

{ bar | pub | public house | drinking establishment }

If Jack the Ripper was...

...transported to current times and wanted a fast food meal before carrying on his dasterdly deeds in our time what might an appropriate dining establishment be called?




Chick-fil-A

I was talking to a girl about the establishment of the 4th Reich when a girl told me that I was being politically incorrect

Apparently the proper term is "European Union"

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.

“I d...

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

An Atom walks into a drinking establishment

He sits down and orders a drink and then all of a sudden he starts crying. The bartender walks over and asks : "is everything okay?"
To which the Atom replies: " I lost an electron..". "Are you sure you lost it?" the bartender asks concerned. To which the atom replies:" I am fairly positive "

Why doesn't the GOP establishment want Trump as their nominee?

They hate colored people.

I want to open a drinking establishment without any furniture.

It'll be the best around, Bar None.

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

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Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a mi...

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

What's the difference between an establishment where alcohol is served and an elephant passing gas?

One is a Bar Room, the other is a BAROOOM!

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

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I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

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Chainsaw

A redneck had a field with 500 trees and decides to cut everything to make a golf course.

Then he decides to go to the city and buy a chainsaw. There's one with an ad that says, "cuts down 500 trees in one day."

He bought it, went home and said:

*- I'll start cutting all the tre...

[Pun] Say it in simple English

Chicken: Sir, the chef at this fine establishment is planning to violently seize power and overthrow our government!

Restaurant owner: Can you please say that in simple English?

Chicken: Cookdocoup

The Joke

A friend sent me this one.

There was a comedy club called “The Joke” that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a line ar...

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Johnny was driving along the highway.

Johnny was driving along the highway. Midway through his journey, nature called out to him. Cursing his fate, he looked around for a place to relieve himself. Just then, he spotted a small road side motel. He quickly entered to finish his business. To Johnny's dismay, all the the restrooms in the es...

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So this guy walks into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender. As he is ordering his drink, he sees a jar full of money in the counter.



He then asks the bartender what tha jar is all about, to which he replies with, "Oh, the jar is part of a challenge I decided to set up for the patrons of the bar. Winner takes a...

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A man walks into a clock shop...

where a smoking hot girl is working behind the counter. He walks straight up to the counter, looks her in the eye, and lobs is cock out onto the counter.

The girl, very shocked, says "excuse me sir, I think you've the wrong kind of establishment, this is a clock shop!"

The man says "I ...

How did the new trucking and RV car dealership advertise its coming soon business?

It put out an extra long trailer in front of the establishment on tv

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

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Leroy walks into a bar...

...sits down, and orders a shot. He drains the glass, swishes it around in his mouth, spits it on the floor, and says, "sumbitch shore can drive!"

The bartender says, "Hey! I run a clean establishment here."

Leroy apologizes and orders another shot. He drains the glass, swishes it ar...

A schizophrenic walks into a bar.

A schizophrenic walks into a bar.

A sign above the bar reads "Absolutely No Schizophrenics Served At This Establishment!"

Bartender says "Hello. What can I get you?"

The schizophrenic says "a shot of whiskey, and make it a double!"

The schizophrenic says "a shot of whisk...

A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to go to the toilet

The cowboy gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, he smashes the floor with his foot three times. Everybody stops making noise and look at him attentively.

"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right o...

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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

The Opium Wars

During the opium wars in China the nobility wanted to escape to a more stable country, one couple, Mr. And Mrs. Long, decided to move to Texas to escape the conflict.

Once settled in Texas they decided to have kids, they could afford to due to their work as farm hands.

When the...

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In the seedy corners of the pokeverse,

In the seedy corners of the pokeverse, dirty establishments hide more 'greasy' businesses. a customer walks into one such place and resquests their finest lady.

A large breasts woman with a beautiful face takes them into a private room, and after they are done 'copulating' he lays back, a sat...

Racism Today

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days... ever wonder why? A customer walks into an establishment and asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"


The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. B...

A union man is looking for a brothel.

He goes to the first one he sees and asks if it is a union establishment. “No” says the madam. “ Well, how much does the house get and how much does the worker get?”. The madam answers 90/10 and that doesn’t sit well with him.

The man continues down the road all with the same answer.

T...

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Four men walk into . . .

Four men walk into a **<social establishment>**. Inside the **<social establishment>**, they have a conversation about **<topic>**. Eventually one of them leaves the group and goes to the bathroom. After he left, the conversation shifts from **<topic>** to the well-being of t...

What’s the difference between true communism and unhindered capitalism.

One spies on the people, removes privacy for the sake of the masses, and props up an establishment that serves only the lucky few.

And the other fortunately never caught on in America.

German authorities

German authorities have raided establishments where citizens have been playing dice games. They are doing all they can to stop the reformation of the Yahtzee Party.

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There was a gentleman waiting to use the restroom...

...in a classy establishment, but the occupant was taking his time.



A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the...

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Opening a bank account

A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said, "I want to open a fucking bank account."
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situ...

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

It was the night before Christmas

Three colleagues were stumbling their way home after having several drinks after work, at the local pub. Unfortunately on their way home, they were struck by a car and all died instantly.

Moments later, they all found themselves in front of the pearly gates of heaven, Saint Nicolas was waiti...

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Job Application

Apparently this is an actual job application submitted by a 17 year old boy at a McDonald's establishment in Florida...

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's avai...

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Paddy and Seamus want to go for a pint of Guinness but...

They're skint.
They empty their pockets and pool what money they have between them, a total of £5.

"Ahh, feck... not even enough for one." laments Paddy.
Suddenly Seamus, looking across the road at the butcher's shop, gets an idea.
"Tell ya what Paddy.... give me the money and I'll ...

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Have I ever told you of Seamus? Oh no...

One evening while I was vacationing in Scotland, I had decided to visit a pub near the piers. It was an older establishment, and all the more cozy for it.
As I sat there enjoying my drink at the bar, I noticed that a drunken fellow a few stools away from me would occasionally glance at me and gr...

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Singing blowjob (NSFW)

One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.

They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires o...

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