UPJOKE
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I could never be Prime Minister. Imagine the thousands of people below you, looking to you for inspiration.





It's like being a great grandfather in a Muslim family

I find mute vocalists to be the most inspirational people

They truly are unsung heroes

Religious

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him...

My friend has a really inspirational story.

He used to be a cop, but after a while the job really got to him. He was an alcoholic for a long time, and a particular thing for strong, dark beers.

Eventually though, my friend decided to make a change. He went to therapy, quit drinking, and he even quit his job to pursue his real passion....

Whenever I wake with a terrible hangover, I proudly invoke the inspirational last words of the philosopher Socrates who died saying:

"What the hell did I drink?"

Teachers can be inspirational...

My teacher told me that I marched to the tune of a different drummer..

...

Then he kicked me out of Band.

A doctor found a cure for muteness

Dr. Smith, a medical professional studying human vocals, found a cure to muteness.

He found out after dealing with a patient and an unlikely scenario happened.

He receives an award for medicine, and is invited to give a speech. He speaks about his life, inspiration, and discovery. He b...

An old joke I was told by my mother as a kid

In a small town in Italy, there was a church with a priest that was known over the entire country for his strong beliefs in Jesus.

One day a huge flood came into the village. all the people climbed onto the roofs of their houses and waited for boats.

The Priest hid on the roof of the c...

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I got an inspirational quote tattooed on my dick...

But women were like, TL;DR!

Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,

She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week’s sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially “thou shalt not steal”


Then he got to “thou shalt not commit adultery” and remembered where he left his bike.

Trump is such an inspiration to so many people.

He proves that you can become president even if you have an IQ of 70 or less.

Reddit is an inspiration on how to be eco friendly

Considering that 90% of content is recycled

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hard inspiration

life is a dick sometimes, but when it's got you on the floor locked up giving it to you hard you just gotta grab life by the balls and say "I'm gonna ride this out till the end"

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Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

"Master Ludwig," said Beethoven's manservant one day, "where do you get your inspiration from?"

"Why, from you of course, dear Heinrich!" Beethoven answered.

Heinrich slapped his thigh in delight. "Oh, what a joker you are, master! A genius like you inspired by a dullard like me! That's a good one. Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah*! Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah!*"

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

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I found the real life inspiration for the island from Fortnite!

The Virgin Islands

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops.

Its WWIII, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.” The g...

I hope Terry Fox's cross country treks in the Marathon of Hope was an inspiration to all

not to skip-leg day.

What did the incel say, when he had a sudden bout of inspiration to change his outlook on life and start approaching attractive women, in a confident manner?

Begone,thought!

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

A reminder that there are worse things in life than dying alone.

The other day I tried to be inspirational by saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

And now I'm banned from AA for life

I've always wondered about the inspiration for the band name Jefferson Airplane

but I think we all know it's a historical reference by now.

Amy Winehouse has become a real inspiration for me

She's going on 6 years sober now.

Im an inspiration

I rebuilt chernobyl with my own 3 hands

Apparently many people get all of their artistic inspiration from pot.

I wouldn’t follow in their footsteps. They seem highly sketchy.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

How does Lil Wayne get inspiration for his new music?

He listens to his old music.

Donald Trump is an inspiration to all new College graduates.

He is in the final interview rounds of a job he has zero experience for.

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

My grandmother is an inspiration! At 84 years old she went to medical school.

She's a cadaver.

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

It was time for the Sunday morning service to begin but there was no trace of the main preacher.

A young priest was asked to take his place. Worried out of his mind, he went to the bishop's room. "What shall I do, bishop? They're asking me to give a sermon and I don't have anything prepared!"

"Trust the Lord, good man, trust the Lord." said the Bishop. Having found no solution, the pries...

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

Inspirational quotes to live by until I got divorced

# Here's the original 7 quotes to live by:

1. Make peace with your past, so it won't disturb your future.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business.
3. The only person in charge of your happiness is you.
4. Don't compare your life to others. Comparison is the thief o...

Tall people don't need to be inspirational

Everyone already looks up to them.

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i watch inspiration

Lester is struggling through a bus station with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks "Have you got the time?"

Lester sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty ...

My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

That priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was actually a really inspirational guy.

He touched so many hearts.

A man is looking for inspiration,...

...and decides to open up his Bible to a random passage. He found the passage in which Judas hung himself. "Well, that's no good," the man said to himself, "I'll try again." He then turned to a passage that read, "Go and do likewise."

Of all the people in my life that have inspired me to achieve greatness...

I would say the most inspirational was an obese man I saw cliff jump into the sea.

He had a massive impact.

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I find it inspirational to watch videos of people who are good at their jobs but it makes my wife furious.

I guess she doesn't want me to be as rich and successful as porn star.

I was watching the paraolympics and it was so inspirational

My little boy turns around to me and says "daddy, when i grow up, i want to be disabled!"

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2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

Do you know what I hate? Inspirational quotes

Because no matter what you read, only you can be the driving force behind your success.

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