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Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

The other day I tried to be inspirational by saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

And now I'm banned from AA for life

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I met a Harry Potter fanfic writer. But their writting was very boring, they were just retelling the original plot in other words. I recommended them to take a break, read something different for new perspective/inspiration, and then try again.

They took my advice and then month later they sent me draft of the first chapter of their new fanfic.

"-You know Harry, Ron said. I'm not really Irish. I'm actually Jewish.

-Then I have something to tell you too, Harry said, smiling. This train isn't really going to Hogwarts."

...

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops.

Its WWIII, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.” The g...

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I guess I’ll take inspiration from the Iraqi joke and try to translate this Armenian joke. A kid is in PE class...

The teacher yells “Lift up the right leg.”
The children lift up their right legs.
The teacher yells “Now lift the left leg.”
The kid shouts “What the hell? Do you expect us to stand on our dicks?”

I could never be Prime Minister. Imagine the thousands of people below you, looking to you for inspiration.





It's like being a great grandfather in a Muslim family

The jester and the king

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jeste...

Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,

She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

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hard inspiration

life is a dick sometimes, but when it's got you on the floor locked up giving it to you hard you just gotta grab life by the balls and say "I'm gonna ride this out till the end"

Italian Anniversary

At the church's husbands' marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th
wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to
stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried ...

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2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

"Master Ludwig," said Beethoven's manservant one day, "where do you get your inspiration from?"

"Why, from you of course, dear Heinrich!" Beethoven answered.

Heinrich slapped his thigh in delight. "Oh, what a joker you are, master! A genius like you inspired by a dullard like me! That's a good one. Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah*! Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah!*"

Reddit is an inspiration on how to be eco friendly

Considering that 90% of content is recycled

I hope Terry Fox's cross country treks in the Marathon of Hope was an inspiration to all

not to skip-leg day.

Variation inspiration

Saw a joke the other day:
" A logician's wife is pregnant and giving birth. The doctor delivers and hands the baby to the logician. His wife, beaming with pride, asked: 'Is it a boy or girl?' The logician replied, 'Yes.' "
That immediately made me think of this variation:
" A Statistician's...

What did the incel say, when he had a sudden bout of inspiration to change his outlook on life and start approaching attractive women, in a confident manner?

Begone,thought!

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

I've always wondered about the inspiration for the band name Jefferson Airplane

but I think we all know it's a historical reference by now.

Timbuktu

This one I got from Playboys joke page in the late 80s.


Two guys with identical education and experience were applying for the same marking position in a company. The hiring manager could not decide which one to give the job offer to, so he calls them both in for a final interview at th...

How is a joke like a frog?

If you have to dissect it, it's probably already dead.

See, because a common practice in laboratories, whether inhabited by students or professionals, is to dissect an animal, usually a frog, to understand the internal workings of it's body. Of course, this animal would be in a lot of pain if...

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

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I found the real life inspiration for the island from Fortnite!

The Virgin Islands

Inspirational quotes to live by until I got divorced

# Here's the original 7 quotes to live by:

1. Make peace with your past, so it won't disturb your future.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business.
3. The only person in charge of your happiness is you.
4. Don't compare your life to others. Comparison is the thief o...

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

A reminder that there are worse things in life than dying alone.

Im an inspiration

I rebuilt chernobyl with my own 3 hands

Amy Winehouse has become a real inspiration for me

She's going on 6 years sober now.

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A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children...

You might be a necropheliac if...

Shout out to Jeff Foxworthy for the inspiration. Here we go.

You might be a necropheliac if...

Your version of tinder is the local obituaries.

You have detailed knowledge of the security setup of every funeral home and cemetery in your city.

The contents of your trunk i...

Apparently many people get all of their artistic inspiration from pot.

I wouldn’t follow in their footsteps. They seem highly sketchy.

My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

Donald Trump is an inspiration to all new College graduates.

He is in the final interview rounds of a job he has zero experience for.

How does Lil Wayne get inspiration for his new music?

He listens to his old music.

Of all the people in my life that have inspired me to achieve greatness...

I would say the most inspirational was an obese man I saw cliff jump into the sea.

He had a massive impact.

Inspirational quote of the day:

You can't spell "success" without "succ".

My grandmother is an inspiration! At 84 years old she went to medical school.

She's a cadaver.

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I find it inspirational to watch videos of people who are good at their jobs but it makes my wife furious.

I guess she doesn't want me to be as rich and successful as porn star.

I was watching the paraolympics and it was so inspirational

My little boy turns around to me and says "daddy, when i grow up, i want to be disabled!"

That priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was actually a really inspirational guy.

He touched so many hearts.

Tall people don't need to be inspirational

Everyone already looks up to them.

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Anyone can grow up to become President

I used to think this was just some bullshit my father told me for inspiration. Now I realize it was more of a warning.

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The year is 480BC, and the Persians are invading Sparta.

The Persian army is marching through the hills of Sparta when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Spartan can beat ten Persians!"

The Persian officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of sc...

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i watch inspiration

Lester is struggling through a bus station with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks "Have you got the time?"

Lester sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty ...

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George wanted to last longer during sex

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that ...

Stephen Hawking is an inspiration

He's earned millions in the past 10 years without lifting a finger.

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

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A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they bothcollapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl no...

Another blonde joke

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions. 

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. Sh...

A man is looking for inspiration,...

...and decides to open up his Bible to a random passage. He found the passage in which Judas hung himself. "Well, that's no good," the man said to himself, "I'll try again." He then turned to a passage that read, "Go and do likewise."

Do you know what I hate? Inspirational quotes

Because no matter what you read, only you can be the driving force behind your success.

My dad died recently.

He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type.

I’ll never forget his inspirational last words,

“Be positive”.

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