UPJOKE
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Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?

Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Why does Robin wear bright clothing?

Batman doesn't want to get shot.

A large woman walks into a clothing store



wanting to impress her boyfriend, and asks "I want to see the large petite clothes."

Puzzled, the sales assistant responds, "Mam, I don't think we have anything to fit..."

"Found it!" says the woman, and goes to the petite section.

After a few minutes of the woman not fi...

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

Camouflage clothing is so ugly...

It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.

My fitness instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising.

I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.

What brand of sports clothing do personal organizers wear?

Under Armoire

What do you call a wolf in sheep's clothing?

Woolf

The feud between the two clothing stores down the street finally came to an end.



It ended in a tie.

A Spanish speaking man walks into a clothing store looking to buy some socks

He found his way to the menswear department where a sales clerk offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sales clerk.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Wel...

What is a fart fetishist's favorite article of clothing?





Windbreaker

What is Super Mario’s Favorite Type of Clothing?

Denim denim denim

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

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I met two guys wearing matching clothing, so I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me.

The Missouri state legislature is considering a ban on female legislators' clothing that leaves their arms exposed

I never thought I'd see a Republican state trying to overturn the right to bare arms

(Yes, this is actually happening)

What kind of clothing do Karens wear?

A lawsuit.

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but ...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

Have you heard about the store that sells used Indian clothing?

Whose sari now?

A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing

He said he liked shooting fish in apparel

What is a flat earther's favorite clothing brand?

Land's End

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Clothing optional

I went in for my prostate exam last week. The doctor told me to take off my pants. I asked him where I should put them. “Right there next to mine” was not the answer I wanted to hear.

Whats the difference between the Catholic Church and a clothing iron?

The church only wishes they could burn things until they are straight.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

What's a mass murderer's favorite article of clothing?

Casual T's.

I'm going to open an adventure clothing store for old ladies.

It'll be called Nana Republic

Most people don’t believe me, but I can promise you that I made clothing from frozen water.

Ice wear.

What's a pregnant woman's favorite clothing brand?

Fruit of the womb!

A homeless man with poor clothing is walking one day when he sees a church is having a service so he goes inside. When he gets inside a person walks up to him looks at his clothes and tells him to leave.

The man goes and sits outside and has a small cry when a voice behind him says "whats wrong"?. When he explains what has happened the voice replies don't worry my son my name is god and I have been trying to get into that place for years

Did you hear about the explosion at the Scottish clothing company?

Such losses. The police are notifying the next of kilt.

The bra is the most democratic piece of clothing

It elevates the small ones, it supports the big ones and it keeps the masses together.

You know the clothing company Puma? They make Puma shirts, Puma socks...

I wonder why they don't make pants

I bought camoflauge clothing

No one seemed to notice.

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing

Russian Ties

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

Captain Kirk Clothing

The actor who played Captain Kirk tried to launch his own brand of trousers but they didn't sell very well.

For some reason, people just didn't want to buy Shatner Pants.

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.

He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the o...

My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing.

...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.

Psychic buys clothing

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

Psychic: I'm a medium

What’s a bouncer’s favourite clothing?

The jumper.

What is the opposite of Nautica clothing?

Ica clothing

I got some really cool clothing for my tonsils

Now I have post-nasal drip

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

I went to the hunting store to buy some camouflage clothing...

But I didn't see anything that I liked.

Reposting a joke is like buying a piece of clothing

you use other people's material to make yourself look good

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

I found some nice smart clothing in a shop.

I walked up to cashier and put down a few coppers.

The cashier looked at the money and said, "Sir... this isn't enough. I'll need another £1,299.97."

"What do you mean?" I asked angrily. "The assistant said it's a 3p suit."

I just opened an express clothing alteration business.

It's called Tailor Swift.

I entered a competition to see who could put on the most items of clothing in a minute. I was in the lead, but right at the last second, my opponent managed to throw something around his neck and draw level.

It was a tie.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap for clothing.

The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see you're nuts."

One from my nephew: Whats Scooby-Doo's favorite piece of clothing?

A SCARF!

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

A duck walks into a clothing store in 2020 ...

....and waits two minutes for an associate to help her. No one does and the duck gets progressively more upset. And quacks up a storm.

Another shopper passes by, sees the uncovered bill and mumbles “Karen is mighty fowl.”

Did you hear about the psychic that started a clothing line?

Everything she sold was a medium.

Some people love camouflage clothing

But I don’t see the appeal

I just walked by a boy with some poor clothing

I said: "Awe, are you an orphan"?

He said: "Yes, what gave me away?"

To which I replied: "Your parents."

My father revealed to the me that he likes to dress in women’s clothing.

I still don’t understand it, but I appreciate his effort at being transparent.

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

Clothing related typos...

They're the vest

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

A man walks into a hunting store and asks if they have the best camouflage clothing.

The store owner goes looking for it for several minutes but finally comes back to the man and says :
"Sorry, but I just couldn't find them"
The man then leaves the store satisfied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a transvestite only clothing line.

It's called Vera's Wang.

This girl wanted to show me her sans clothing...

I mean, I appreciate a good Undertale cosplay but I feel misled.

What is a magicians favorite clothing item?

A card-again

What's an American's favourite clothing?

A lawsuit

William Shatner has discontinued his line of women's clothing.

Apparently, Shatner panties just didn't sell that well.

I'm thinking about opening a clothing store. Half the store will carry only traditional, colorful women's gowns from India, and the other half will carry everything else.

I'm going to call it Sari/Not-Sari.

At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them

There were just a few Casual Tees.

My friend is really good at making denim clothing

He's a jeanius

Why is leather the best clothing to sneak around in?

Because it's made of hide

Im reading about a horrific clothing fire in the china. They have the fire put out already but firemen are still searching the building.

Thankfully they have not discovered any casual Ts.

What clothing does a reindeer wear?

Nothing. Buck naked.

A rabbit walks into a men's clothing store...

And the clerk says,"May I help you, sir?"
"Yes", says the rabbit. "I'd like a BLT with some coleslaw please."
"I'm sorry sir", says the clerk," but we don't have that here."
"Oh, ok.", says the slightly deflated rabbit. "I guess I'll have a house salad."
"Sir," replies the slightly annoy...

My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

The world's leading expert on wet clothing walks into a record shop.

The expert asks the assistant "Do you have the latest edition of 'Wet Garments' Acoustics'? I'm sure your store just released it yesterday."

"Of course," the assistant replies. "Would you like to listen to it before you buy it?"

"Why, thank you," says the expert, and puts on a pair of...

Roy Moore opened a clothing store in Birmingham, but it was quickly shut down.

Parents were pretty upset when they realized "Teen girls clothes always half off" was the entry policy, not a sale.

What do you say to an overworked clothing maker?

You seamstressed.

At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion.

One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head.

"No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."

As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Raincoats are the least sexy clothing item...

The whole point is to make sure you never get wet.

Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...

There were no casual tees.

The one who invented clothing

.....is also the first to feel shy

Why don't pot smokers run in weighted clothing?

It's bad for your joints.

A man opened fire in a clothing store

there were reports of casual-tees.

Where do the Game of Thrones characters go to get their clothing pressed?

The Iron Islands.
...I'm so sorry, I've been re-watching the entire series in preparation for April and this stupid joke popped into my head after my Mum bought a new iron :3

Why do unicyclists and bicyclists wear different clothing?

They find it easier to balance attire

Did you hear about Gucci's new baby line of clothing?

It's called "Gucci Gucci Goo"

What do call it when you score with a woman disguised in men’s clothing?

Transaction

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