What did the Zen cake say to it's party guests?

Peace be with you

How do bees let guests into their apartment building?

They *buzz* them in

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened

Noble gases should have no reaction

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A farmer hears a knock on his door one night...

and he is surprised to see a Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness together on his doorstep. The farmer greets them and is wondering why such an unlikely trio of people are walking together at this time of night.

"Our cars got caught in the snow in the highway, and we can't get a signal out ...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

A guy and his wife go to a party, one of the guests asks why his wife is so hairy?

The guy responds “that’s just hirsute.”

What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party?

Pot Roast. Ba dum dum

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Two overweight women are sitting at a bar. After a few drinks they get loud and start to irritate the guests around them.

A man sitting close to them attempts to engage them in a conversation, hoping that a more conversational tone will get them to calm down.

“Excuse me”, says the man “I couldn’t help but notice your accents....are you ladies from Scotland”?

Without skipping a beat one of the ladies rudel...

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Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

Running out of Gas

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him t...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

What did the emperor's dog say to guests who had just arrived?

bow.

I was invited to a get together

And my friend on the 15th floor of his apartment building asked me to bring 8 cans of Sprite for him, myself, and the 6 other guests. He was a bit upset when I arrived, only bringing 7-Up

There's an interesting joke about guests waiting for refreshments

That's the punch line

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A saloon was having a shooting competition

and a cowboy asked the bartender if he could convince people he had a dog that could shoot would the bartender give him free drinks for the rest of the night, as compensation for bringing in more guests.

The bartender agreed but asked how he'd convince everyone of that. The cowboy said he kn...

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On thanksgiving day, a boy overheard his parents callling each other names.

He heard his dad called him mum a bitch and his mum called his dad a bastard. The boy asked his parents what the two words meant, and they said bitch means girl and bastard means boy.

Later that day, his dad is shaving in the bathroom; he then accidentally cuts himself and says shit. The boy ...

A philosopher and a driver

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture....

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...

Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child.

In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)

I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

Mr. Green is reading a newspaper by the pool.

A lifeguard walks up and quietly says "Mr. Green there have been some complaints by the other guests."

Mr. Green puts down his paper. "Well I'm sure there isn't much of an issue."

The lifeguard continues, "it appears someone has been peeing in the pool."

"Everyone pees in the po...

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The talking clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night,
the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"
...

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All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.



Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parkin...

Guests are coming tonight

Husband: Guests are coming tonight. What's for dinner?

Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say ...

A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.

So, at the funeral reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.

A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "O...

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A wedding in Galway was rudely interrupted by the drunk uncle Patrick as he went up the stage and announced...

"The wedding is off. We're out of food. We're out of booze. And somebody fucked the bride."

The guests were in shock.

About 5 mins later, uncle Patrick got back on the stage and announced, "Sorry about that. The wedding is back on. Laura made us some sandwiches. Connor brought some wh...

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: “Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin?” – “We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: “We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist...” The guest looks a bit confused: “Why a dentist?” - Putin claps Trump on the back ...

My American Clock

A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks...

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A woman arrived at a party & while scanning the guests she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen." "What's y...

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.”

Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, “She’s probably right.”

Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years!"

Billionaire's Party

A billionaire built a large pool for his man eating shark. At parties he would tell guests, “If anyone can swim the length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”

No one ever took the billionaire up on the...

What do Great Britain and bad house-guests have in common?

They take forever to leave...

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A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out

a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The...

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An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hi...

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When guests leave your event, it’s polite to say, “Thanks for coming”

But when I say it after sex, she just says “I didn’t”

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

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The talking parrot

Professor John's wife bought a talking parrot one day.

The shopkeeper asked her to buy another pet, because the parrot had spent years at a stripclub and might say weird things all day. She said it was okay and that the parrot would forget all about the strip club and learn new things.
...

A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him “what have you come as, and why is your wife on your back?”

He replies “I’m a tortoise and that’s Michelle”

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

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Juliana throws a theme party with guests told to come dressed as a feeling or emotion ...

Vinny shows up with his face covered with question marks the size of zits.

“And yous supposed to be what?” Juliana asks.

“Imma riddled with doubt,” Vinny grins, and he’s welcomed in.

Two hours later, the last guests, Tony and Joe, turn up completely naked except for a pear and a...

A long time ago, there was a hermit preist who accepted guests for only one day, every ten years...

The hermit was the holiest of men and it was a great honor to be invited to his home, so the town would select their best citizen to go. The citizen could also bring a guest.

The good citizen, who was selected, knew the town Drunk. He wanted to save the man or at least teach him humility. So ...

My guests were complaining about the small amount of tea I served them...

I just told them "quali-tea over quanti-tea"

Our family recently began leaving our door unlocked for guests so the dog wouldn't bark as much.

It might seem strange, but don't knock it 'til you try it.

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Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.

The husband has a plan.

He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."

About one fourth of the guests stands up.

He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."

Another one fourt...

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

There was a man staying the night in a hotel.

He called the front desk and said, "Excuse me, sir, I've got a leak in my sink."

The man at the front desk replied, "Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the toilet."

I always hated weddings because.....

the older guests would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained....

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A man goes to buy a parrot

He puts it in his car and soon learns that parrot had been rescued from questionable places, as he drives back home with it.

Everyday, he hears it curse and shout profanities to any guest who visits the man. Most guests had left the man's place angry or crying as trash talked them.

The...

My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.

So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

What do you call a party featuring John Adams, Alexander Hamilton and co as guests?

A feds era list party.

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

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Having guests for dinner (somewhat vulgar)

A man and his wife had three children, one young boy and a teenage boy and girl. The family was having guests over for dinner one night. Before the guests arrive, the younger boy checks to see what everyone is doing. His mom was cutting carrots in the kitchen, and right as the boy walks in, cuts her...

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