A woman and her daughter are hosting a dinner party.

When all the guests arrive, the woman asks the little girl to say grace. She says, "But Mommy, I don't know what to say?" The mother says, "You've heard me pray. Just say you've heard me say." So the girl says, "Jesus, what was I thinking inviting all these people over to my house?"

An elderly man was at a dinner party

An elderly man at a dinner party was telling a small group about the wonderful restaurant he and his wife went to a couple of days before. The food was fantastic and the service impeccable. When someone asked him the name of it, he couldn't remember.

"I can't remember. Help me here..." He a...

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

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I was at a dinner party last night and was seated next to a girl in a wheelchair..

She wasn't the most gorgeous, but the more the wine flowed, the more attractive I found her.
"So tell me" I whispered flirtily in her ear, "have you ever been fingered under a table?"

"No." she replied. "But I once got fucked under a bus."

I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad

Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire

Judy walks into a dinner party with a much older man.

At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, "My, that's a beautiful diamond you're wearing. In fact, I think it's the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!"

"Thank you," replies Judy. "This is the Plotnick Diamond."

"The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to...

A husband and wife are headed to a dinner party.

As they're driving, the husband accidentally runs over a skunk. The wife, all concerned, makes him stop to see if the skunk is okay.

"Honey, it's still alive! We can't just leave it here," the wife says.

"Dear, it's only a skunk. Let's go."

"No. We have to take it to the vet."<...

Recently I got invited to a nudist dinner party but I had to skip it

I had nothing to wear

How do you find a vegan at a dinner party?

Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.

What do cannibals serve at the beginning of a dinner party?

Handshakes.

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During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

What's the difference between a fancy dinner party and cannibalism?

Swapping an "I" for and "O".

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained....

A group of elderly couples are at a dinner party,

and after the meal the men and women move into different rooms. In the men’s group, Steve is talking about a fantastic Italian restaurant he and his wife like to go to. Intrigued, John asks for the name of the place.

“My memory is not as good as it used to be.”, Steve replies. “What is the n...

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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm

The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"

The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

Hannibal Lector crashed my dinner party and rudely demanded that I feed him!

I gave him a piece of my mind.

What did the family of cannibals give the person who showed up late for their dinner party?

A cold shoulder

Why did the lovestruck king skip the dinner party?

Because his heart had been stolen and so he had no suit.

After a dinner party

...while taking plates to the kitchen my guest asked if the dishwasher was dirty.

I said no, I believe she showered before dinner.

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"...

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The Transreligious Dinner Party

Six people are planning a dinner party: a Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Pagan, a Hindu, and an Atheist. The Atheist suggests pork chops as the main course. The Jew says, “No, we can’t have pork, YHWH strictly forbids the consumption of pork.”

The Christian says in response, “No He doesn’t! Je...

In a hurry to get to a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrives and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth.

He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him.
The man said, "No problem," reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. "Try these,"he said.
"Too loose," the speaker said.
The man pulled out another pair.
"Too tight," the speaker told him.
"I have one mo...

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy

Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

What do you call a cannibalistic dinner party?

The Donner Party

How do you embarrass Eva Braun at a dinner party?

Panzer...

I was disappointed that my friend chose to bring hot dogs to my fancy pot-luck dinner party.

But, I suppose he could have bratwurst.

A man is sent by his wife to buy some snails for their fancy French dinner party

While at the grocery, he meets a beautiful woman and they start chatting. One thing leads to another and he ends up at her house.

The following morning he wakes with a start and rushes home. In his haste he drops the bucket of snails against his front door.

Hearing the commotion, his ...

My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear and she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”

In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed!"

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A man and his wife decide to host a dinner party at their oceanfront home...

…the wife needs some hors d'oeuvres to serve to their guests, so asks the man to go down to the beach to collect some snails. The man grabs a bucket and goes down to fill his bucket with snails.

He has had a very long day, and is actually quite tired, so (against his better judgment) decides...

I went to a dinner party for anorexics.

There was an all-you-can't-eat buffet.

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her...

When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.

She then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

She ...

i talked to your wife...

a guy goes to his rabbi, and says, "I think my wife is trying to poison me. What do I do?"

The rabbi says, "Let me talk to her. Don't worry."

A week later, the rabbi contacts the man. "I spoke to your wife for more than 3 hours...take the poison."

[credit to dinner party down...

The difference between 'Dinner Party' and 'Donner Party?

The meaning of 'Who is being served now?'

Mitt Romney and the King of Saudi-Arabia are having a dinner party...

...the mood of the night is very good and after they spent a while talking about what new amazing things they have bought for themselves and the amount of money they managed to acquire in the past year, as well as all sorts of political matters they come to some lighter topics.
So the King says t...

A woman was seated next to President Coolidge (aka “silent Cal”) at a dinner party.

“I bet my friend that I would be able to get more than two words out of you tonight,” she said.

“You lose,” he replied.

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Johnny is a sponge

One night a mother and father get into a heated argument.

"You bitch!" Screams the dad.
"You're a selfish prick" the mom replies.

Their little boy Johnny pipes up with "what do those words mean mommy and daddy?" Thinking quickly the dad says "I was just calling your mother a lady, ...

How do you make a Dinner party awkward?

Change the “i” into an “o.”

At the dinner party...

the suave man asks his wife "Pass the sugar, sugar!"

Not to be outdone, his buddy says to his own wife "Pass the honey, honey!"

Their biker pal turns to his old lady and yells "Pass the pork, pig!"

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

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Prime Minister's Wife Makes a Faux Pas

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and ...

Lost in translation

This joke is for anyone who has ever spent any time in Nigeria...

The lady of the house is having a dinner party and tells the steward (kitchen helper) “I’m going out shopping. Please chop all these vegetables for me by the time I get back.”

She gets back later that afternoon to find t...

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The Party

When I was 8, my parents were throwing their annual formal dinner party. After much pleading, I was finally able to convinced them to let me greet and welcome everyone to the party.

One day, my parents got into an argument about the seating arrangements. The argument ended when dad called mo...

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Old Buddy Hackett Joke

In a terrible accident a wealthy businessman had his penis torn off. Because of his immense wealth when it came time to repair the area he had the surgeon attach an elephant trunk in place of his penis. He was quite pleased with this and soon his life got back to normal.

The gentleman was at...

A elderly woman receives her invitation for the local doctor's next dinner party in the mail

...but unfortunately she can't make out all of the doctor's terrible handwriting, and therefore doesn't know what time to show up at. Not wishing to be rude by phoning the doctor, she reasons that the local pharmacist would be familiar with the doctor's handwriting and might be able to decipher the ...

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

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Angela Merkel invites to dinnerparty after G20 summit.

So, true story that has been leaked here in Germany, after the last G20 summit in Hamburg, Merkel invited all the leaders to a dinner party:

Sitting at the table Trump and Putin took a seat next to her, left and right. She notices the federal republic did not spare expenses and served dishes ...

Which Larry is it?

Dave: I invited Larry to our dinner party tonight.

Sally: Wait! You mean the Larry who can’t spell, or the Larry who is a cannibal?

*phone chimes*

Text from Larry: I can’t wait to meat Sally tonight...

Dave: yeah... I’m not sure.

What's the difference between an orange and an erection?

... I don't have an orange.


My boyfriend's cousin introduced himself to me with this joke. Works best when whispered quietly into someone's ear at a noisy dinner party, FYI.

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Awkward Dinner Party

A young child was enjoying a cool drink in his room when he heard noises coming from his parents room. He proceeded to the room, wherein he found his parents arguing. His father called his mother a bitch and his mother called his father a bastard. Later on that day he asked his mother, "mummy what d...

Escargot

A woman sends her husband out to buy escargot for dinner party that night.
Instead of going straight to the store, he stops off at the pub.
Six beers later, he remembers: "The dinner party!"
He staggers to the store, buys all the escargot they have and staggers back home, where he promptly ...

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A man and his snails

One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot. He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute. ...

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A vicar and his wife are walking

A posh old vicar and his wife are walking through the village one Sunday afternoon when they see some graffiti with the letters F, U, C, K.
"oh Terence what does that mean? " asks the vicars wife.
Embarrassed and not wanting to talk about such things with his wife, the vicar tells her that i...

Lovingly slow-cooked over an open flame...

...I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.

Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise.

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Foul-mouthed Timmy

Timmy, a 6 year old, was walking home one day, when he heard his neighbors screaming, "Put your penis in my vagina!" Timmy goes home to his mother, who is cooking dinner for a dinner party with their neighbors. Timmy asks his mother, "What does penis and vagina mean?" His mother says that a penis is...

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Cheesy Jokes

What sort of cheese would you use to entice a bear from a cave?

Camembert



What sort of cheese can hide a small horse?

Mascarpone



Why did the cheese get beat up by the stone?

Because the Roquefort back



Why did the one legge...

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A man walks into a bar and hears the most beautiful music in the world (NSFW)

A business man walks into a bar. As he is sat down drinking his beer he notices a man playing the piano. After a few minutes he goes over .
“That tune was beautiful. I’ve never heard it before. What is it called?”
“You like to take it up the arse you filthy bitch” replied the pianist
I beg ...

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