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My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over

So I packed her shit and left.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I really excel at dressing up in armour

It's my strongest suit

My girlfriend was mad at me for not having a sense of direction and cross dressing.

So I packed her clothes and right.

I can see straight through my father’s cross dressing.

He’s transparent.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to...

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What do you call a hidden camera in a lingerie store dressing room?

A booby trap!

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

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For Halloween I’m dressing up as a slutty thought bubble

A Thot

What do you call a cross-dressing car mechanic?

A gender-bender fender-mender.

Dressing like a nun seems like something I'd like to do, but I've heard it's addictive

and I don't want to get into the habit.

What kind of dressing did the mechanic use on his salad?

Wrench dressing.

I was going to make a game where you play a death-defying, cross-dressing little person.

But I see you guys hate micro trans action.

I tried dressing up as the plane that crash into the twin towers for the office costume party

It didn't land too well

My dad is pretty open about his cross dressing habits, and willing to share with anyone that asks.

He's well known for his transparency.

I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.

I won’t be leaving the house.


(Heard this on the podcast “Fake the Nation” and thought you all would like it.)

Why should you always knock before opening the Fridge?

Incase there is a salad dressing.

I cornered my dad “You like dressing like woman, admit it!” He was ashamed and asked how I knew?

He’s too transparent

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

I'm dressing up as Commitment this halloween

Well everyone's afraid of it.

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I have a friend who is a cross dressing dwarf. Does that mean he's gay?

I means he's a little gay.

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

A deranged fan sneaked into Taylor Swift's dressing room.

She didn't hear him coming.

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As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked.....

"Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because
I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you
ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

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What do you call a cross-dressing whale?

Maybe Dick

For Halloween, our daughter is dressing up as joke telling jack-o'-lantern.

She's our little pun-kin.

My Parents and I Haven't Really Seen Each Other Since My Dad Started Dressing Like A Woman and My Mom Started Dressing Like A Man...

I just think they're a little too transparent about it.

How do you call a cross-dressing father of two?

Transparent

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My girlfriend thinks dressing up as a clown during sex would be weird ...

I think it would be fucking ridiculous.

What would a cross-dressing psychologist wear?

A Freudian slip

An angry teenager from a Catholic home began dressing as a monk to mock his parents' faith.

When asked by a friend how her son had been, the boy's mother replied, "Well, he's been-a-dick-teen lately."

I like my hoes like I like my salad dressing...

On the side

What salad dressing does Macaulay Culkin prefer?

Neverland Ranch.

I'm dressing up as a (dead) hooker for Halloween...what are some lines you NEVER want to hear a hooker say?

For example, "I just need to put some ointment on my herpes, and then we are good to go."

I know, I'm terrible at this! Please help!

I found some dressing in my fridge that expires on 12-21-2012....

It's called Mayanaisse....

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

​

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

What did the Italian dressing say to the French dressing?

Nothing. Dressings don't have arms

I'm going back to my surgeon to get my dressing changed tomorrow. Or, to put it another way...

I'm seeking redress from the man who cut me.

What do you call ranch dressing that has gone bad?

Raunch

Why did the tomato go red?

Because it saw salad dressing.

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's girlfriend broke up with him

Arnold Schwarzenegger's girlfriend broke up with him in hopes that it would be enough to stop him from dressing up as classical composers for halloween.


But deep down, she still knew that he'd be bach.

They said we need to take part in World Book Day at school

So I’m dressing up as the Invisible Boy

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

I got home last night and opened the fridge....

And I caught the salad dressing

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

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My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

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The perils of planning a Christmas party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 4

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar...

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Two friends go hunting...

…..after a long day of hunting, they killed a few deer. One friend begins to field dress the deer, the other is having some stomach issues, so he goes to sit on a log and let nature run its’ course. In doing so, the man falls asleep on the log.

The friend that was field dressing the deer real...

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The post man's last day....

A beloved postman announces his retirement. As he is walking his rounds in a picturesque, tree-lined neighborhood, he is greeted at one of the doors by a young, pretty woman. She is wearing a fairly short, sexy robe and invites him in.

​

Once inside she leads him to the kit...

Dave is walking down the road with a woman on his back

Dave's friend approaches and asks where he is going. Dave replies "I'm going to a fancy dress party".

Dave's friend then asks what he is dressing up as and dave replies, "A tortoise"

Dave's friend then asks who the girl on Dave's back is and Dave replies, "Oh that's Michelle"

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Basic Training in the Marines

On the first day of basic training in the marines, a drill instructor has new recruits lined up and is dressing them down.

He tells them “You aren’t men, you’re maggots!... you’re not even maggots! You’re a mite sucking a maggots dick! But in 6 weeks those of you who don’t quit are going...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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A man wanders about a casino and sees a gorgeous woman who is clearly bored

"Hello, I see you're sad, what happened?", he asks.

"Well, I'm not sad really, just a little bored", she answers, "you see, I'm a little kinky and most men around my social status don't really seem to like it".

"Oh really? Well I enjoy being kinky too, so it seems that we have the same...

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A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

In order to shake off the heat, the couple rushed into a Victoria's secret to blend in with the crowd and hide.

By the time two officers had shown up, the weird looks and perfume that everyone was berating them with were inc...

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Hope it's not a repost!!

A spine and bone specialist doctor was on duty. First patient came with a back pain.

Doctor:- What happened?

Patient:- I was on a business trip which got cancelled, so I returned 2 days earlier. When I reached home I heard sex noise from my flat. Till I opened the door and reached my ...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

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My absent minded friend

A friend of mine was asked by his wife to tidy up the bathroom. She headed out on her Saturday afternoon shopping trip while he set to work.

One of his tasks was to lacquer the toilet seat.
He finished this and the other work and went out to watch the football in the pub.

When he ...

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

Customer: Can I try on that dress in the window?

Saleslady: We really prefer you do so in the dressing room

What is the bolt's favorite sauce?

Wrench dressing

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thoughts​, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip o...

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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs do...

A man goes into his son's room

to wish him Goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later...

Arnold Schwarzenegger woke up this morning with a sore head and a bad back...

... he put on his dressing gown and slippers, opened the door to his en suite shower and let out a sigh.

“Why is my shoauwer still broken?” He exclaimed. “The plumber was supposed to hef come last week.”

He made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Opening the fridge, a put...

Recipe for honeymoon salad

Lettuce alone without dressing

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My ex girlfriend had this weird fetish

She used to love dressing up as herself and acting like a raging bitch all the time

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

Bikers tales

A gang og bikers road down a highway, they came to a bridge where a large commotion was forming. A girl stood on the ledge threatning to jump.

The leader of the bikers stood down, walked past everyone including the police...

He says to the girl “What are you doing?”

“ I’m jumpin...