"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: *slaps me right across the face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

What have I named the Pie section of my bakery menu?

Treasure Hunter cus its full of Pie-Rates

The restaurant's menu said "Breakfast Any Time"

So I ordered steak n' eggs from the Renaissance Period.

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

Karma Restaurant doesn't have a menu

everyone gets what they deserve.

I went to the restaurant "Karma" the other day. There's no menu, and no entrees.

You get just desserts.

At my restaurant, I offer an all-you-can-eat menu of roadkill.

It's truly a flat rate.

Date night with my wife and as she's reading the menu she asks, "Is anything popping out at you?"

I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."

Outback Steakhouse just updated their menu ....

You can order all all sorts of new and authentic Australian cuisine... but it’s all well done

A man walks into a bar and orders a series of the most expensive single malt whiskies on the menu.

The bartender lines them up in front of him, and the man drinks them all as fast as possible.

The bartender gives him a surprised look and says, "Wow. I've never seen anyone drink single malt that quickly".

The man replies with, "Well, you would too if you had what I had".

The b...

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu.

I said "No, that's the last thing I want".

A tourist visiting Ireland went out for dinner when it came to deserts he was surprised to see “Brexit” listed on the menu so he asked a waitress what it was

She replied oh that’s an “Eton Mess”

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner.
"I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

Burger

instead of it being called "Kid's Cheeseburger" on a menu it's called "Child's Burger"

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

I thought I was visiting a Zoo in China

Until someone handed me a menu.

Waitress asked man if he had any questions about the menu....

"Yeah, what font is the hamburger special?"

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices:

take it or leave it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said “ I know what I want, but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

A North Korean man is walking home

A North Korean man is walking along the road when he spots a fish caught in the reeds. Excitedly, he scooped it up and ran home.

"Look what I found!" he says, revealing his treasure to his wife, "Quick heat the oil"

"But husband, the police confiscated the oil! They said subversives co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the han...

I keep ordering things that aren’t on the menu at this Vietnamese Sandwich Shop...

The lady behind the counter said: “If you keep doing that you’re gonna get in trouble!”

I replied: “Whadya gonna do...Bahn Mi?!”

Waiter:"There's basically everything on our menu"

Customer:"I see. Now, would you please bring me a cleaner one?"

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

a blind man walks into a restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, ...

A man goes into a diner.

He sits down at the counter and the waitress comes up to hand him a menu and asks if he would like anything to drink. He refuses and goes to look at the menu. At the other end of the counter is a man with a bowl of chili in frint of him, the man is resting his head on his hands and doesnt look too g...

What percentage of Olive Garden’s menu is prepared via microwave?

Olive it

DNA is like the menu at Taco Bell

Different combinations of the same four ingredients to achieve endless results.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy walks into an ice cream shop.

The owner walks up and asks the man what he would like.

“I’ll take a chocolate ice cream in a cone please.”

“Sorry, we’re actually out of chocolate. We only have vanilla and strawberry available,” replies the owner.

“Hmmm, well in that case I’ll take a scoop of chocolate in a cu...

Two guys were born on the same day

...so they made a tradition to eat dinner together every year on their birthday. When they turned 21 one of them said, "Why don't we go to the Sunset Grill? It has strong drinks and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.

When they turned 30, one said, "let's go ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar, and begin scanning the menu

"Hmm, the glass of blood looks good" says the first.

"A bloody mary" says the second.

"Ill just take a hot water" says the third, to the astonishment of the others.

"Wtf" they say collectively.

Taking out a used tampon, he utters "just making some tea".

A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:


* Nachos $4


* Hamburger $3


* Hotdog $2


* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3


* Grilled Cheese $2


* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50


* Handjob $10


After he looks over the menu for a mome...

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

A man walks into a bar

Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:
Hot dog – $2
Cheeseburger – $5
Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “w...

Bartender

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir,"...

No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.

Well, almost everyone.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cannibal is walking around in a forest

He gets hungry so after a while of searching, he finds a restaurant run by a fellow cannibal. He sits down and looks the menu over, “lost hiker 5$” “fried missionary 15$” “fisherman 10$” and “grilled politician 250$” he asks the owner why the democrat was so expensive to which he replied, “Politicia...

Vladimir Putin and Dmitri Medvedev go into a restaurant...

They sit and read the menu, which is meat entres with sides offered, such as seasonal veggies, steamed cauliflower, home fries, etc. A waitress approaches.

"Can I take your order?"

Putin: "I will order the steak."

"And what about the vegetable?"

Putin: "The vegetable will...

2 Chinese in USA

One day 2 Chinese with broken English goes to America. When they arrive they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu they see “hot dog” but since their English is bad, they think its literally a roasted dog and they order it. When it comes they both get suprised and one of them asks...

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

A man goes into the restaurant

He looks at the menu and he says to the waiter"ill have the octopus"

The waiter says"just to warn you, sir, it does take 4 and a half hours to cook"

The man says"4 and a half hours to cook! Why does it take so long?"

The waiter says"well we cook them alive and they keep turnin...

A joke I read in a compilation

Show off

To impress his date, a young man took her to a very fancy Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered.

“We’ll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci,” he said.

“Sorry, sir,” said the waiter. “That’s the owner!!”.

Have you seen United Airline's on-board menu?

I heard their Chinese take-out was especially famous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on a business trip in Spain decides to go to a bull fight.

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gusto. W...

When cannibals don't feel like eating an entire person, which menu do they order from?

The Kids Menu

So I said, "As a matter of fact I do. Why does...

Donald Duck walk around all day with no pants on, but after he takes a shower he puts a towel around his waist?" And the waiter said, "No I meant do you have any questions about our menu."

Bill Clinton is on Air Force One when the Flight Attendant approaches with the lunch menu...

Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink. He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a quickie right about now."

The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the terror of being about to learn j...

My wife and I went to a restaurant last night...

My wife wanted to know if they had a vegan friendly menu. So I flagged down the waitress and said "I have a question about the menu, please". To which the waitress responded "The men I please is none of your business"

Today's special menu

The waiter asked, "Would you like to hear today's special?"

"Yes please," I smiled.

"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.

On first date :

She: What do you prefer cats or dogs?


Me: I don't see them anywhere in menu, which page are you on?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

How do you pronounce that word?

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.


A particularly beautiful waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,


"What would you like, sir?


"He looks at...

I ordered "Texas Fries" off the bar menu...

I thought they would be *kinda* bad, but I didn't expect to receive fries floating in a bucket of water.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

Subway released their new kids menu.

They say it's Jared's favorite.

Why is there no cheese in the menu for the Last Supper?

Because Jesus took the wheel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

Do you wanna go to a restaurant?

You cant spell menu without me n u




I'm gonna lose all my karma.

Did you read the menu?

'Cause all I see is me 'n u

I get really grumpy when the work canteen has Soylent Green on the menu.

I'm really not a people person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.

After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.

Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all t...

What will be on the Denny's Menu when ISIS takes over?

The Grand I-slam

The local Chinese restaurant has creme brulee, but it's not on the menu.

It's Secret Asian Flan

I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway...

It's a this order disorder disorder disorder.

On a first date last night my date asked, ‘So, what do you do?’

Frowning, I held up the menu and said ‘you just choose something from this book of food’

Trump goes to a cafe...

...and reads the menu. An attractive waitress comes over and Trump says “Can I have a quickie?”

The waitress looks at him in horror, so he points at what he wants on the menu. The waitress looks at the menu and says “actually sir, it’s pronounced ‘quiche’”.

At my school, the cafeteria has "World Cuisine" day once a week, in which one foreign nation's traditional cuisine is on the menu. Last week, the country was Ethiopia...

...they served us nothing.

Waiter: "What'll you have?"

Me: "I'll have the chameleon."

Waiter: "That's not on the menu."

Me: "How can you be sure?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
<...

Wife: I am having an affair

Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well.

A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are at a restaurant in London

The waiter comes up and says,”Excuse me but, we do not have any steak on the menu due to a shortage.” The Russian asks,”What’s steak?” The Texan asks,”What’s a ‘shortage’?” The New Yorker asks,”What’s ‘Excuse Me’?”

A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.

-Sister, look what that man is selling.

-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.

-Is it real...

[Bad] Why was the gourmet upset when he saw the menu?

The prices were gastronomical...

(I'll show myself out...)

Crosspost from /r/WTF, seen on a menu

Please disregard if you saw this in /r/wtf.

http://i.imgur.com/1oqlvz3.jpg

[Original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/1wtukn/this_is_printed_in_an_english_menu_at_a_mexican/)

Transcribed:

Why do Mexican kids walk around school like they own the place? Because t...

Donner party of 5, your table is ready

Or rather, party of 3 now. Would you like to see a dessert menu?

A guy walks into a restaurant, sits at the counter.

He starts looking thru the menu, and sees 'chili'. "Oh, I haven't had a decent bowl of chilli in a long time".
Asks the server for the chili, and she says "sorry dear, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl"


He notices the gentleman next to him with a bowl of chili, but he'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An upcoming director (Tim) is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant,,

The director sees in the distance, Frank Sinatra walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him. As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says "Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impress. Coul...

A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
“Wow I’ve never seen a weasel in my bar before!” exclaims the bartender. “What kind of alcohol would you like?”
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, “Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you...

A blind guy walks in a diner...

He sits down at a table and the owner comes up to him.
"Hello sir, goodevening would you like to see a menu or do you know what you want?"
To which the man replies," I'm sorry I'm blind but I'll tell you what, bring me a dirty fork from for recommended plate."
Confused, but interested th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife just bought a new beach house with their lottery winnings.

At the wife's insistence, they start planning a lavish party to get to know their new neighbors, and the husband is put in charge of securing catering. He orders all the other food she wants for the menu, but unfortunately he forgets the escargot, and by the time he realizes it's too late. He figure...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a Mexican resturant after winning big in Vegas.

He decides he is going to order the most expensive item on the menu. When the plate is brought to him he asks what it is. The waiter responds with "Its the bull balls from the bullfight thats held every week. Whenever the bull loses we chop his balls off and serve them as a delicacy." The man is ske...

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