“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said “ I know what I want, but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

Waiter:"There's basically everything on our menu"

Customer:"I see. Now, would you please bring me a cleaner one?"

Restaurant menu [NSFW]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Scotsman walks into a cafe and has a look at the menu...

...it’s reads;

Ham Roll £1.00
Cheese Roll £1.50
Handjob £5.00

He then sees a beautiful young women who works there with big tits and a smoking body. He says ‘excuse me, are you the one that gives the handjobs?’
She says ‘yes it is’
The Scotsman says ‘well go and wash your ...

On a first date last night my date asked, ‘So, what do you do?’

Frowning, I held up the menu and said ‘you just choose something from this book of food’

Three vampires walk into a bar, and begin scanning the menu

"Hmm, the glass of blood looks good" says the first.

"A bloody mary" says the second.

"Ill just take a hot water" says the third, to the astonishment of the others.

"Wtf" they say collectively.

Taking out a used tampon, he utters "just making some tea".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This bar has a special menu for it's customers...

A first customer walks in, and ask: Can I have a Rum & Coke, please?

The bartender: You got it! (hands over an apple)

Customer: Errr, I asked you for a Rum & Coke?

Bartender: Just try the apple.

Customer: (Bites on the apple) Oh my god! It tastes like Rum?

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a store that has 3 things on the menu

Cheese Sandwich $2
Ham and Cheese Sandwich $3
Handjob $10

The man studies the menu and then he notices the shop clerk. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He slowly walks up to the counter and asks “Um, are you the one that gives the handjobs?”
“Yes” she replies with a...

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

DNA is like the menu at Taco Bell

Different combinations of the same four ingredients to achieve endless results.

I keep ordering things that aren’t on the menu at this Vietnamese Sandwich Shop...

The lady behind the counter said: “If you keep doing that you’re gonna get in trouble!”

I replied: “Whadya gonna do...Bahn Mi?!”

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:


* Nachos $4


* Hamburger $3


* Hotdog $2


* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3


* Grilled Cheese $2


* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50


* Handjob $10


After he looks over the menu for a mome...

When cannibals don't feel like eating an entire person, which menu do they order from?

The Kids Menu

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

Have you seen United Airline's on-board menu?

I heard their Chinese take-out was especially famous.

I ordered "Texas Fries" off the bar menu...

I thought they would be *kinda* bad, but I didn't expect to receive fries floating in a bucket of water.

Today's special menu

The waiter asked, "Would you like to hear today's special?"

"Yes please," I smiled.

"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.

Why is there no cheese in the menu for the Last Supper?

Because Jesus took the wheel.

Bill Clinton is on Air Force One when the Flight Attendant approaches with the lunch menu...

Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink. He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a quickie right about now."

The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the terror of being about to learn j...

A blue fish looks at an Indian takeaway menu, unsure about what to get.

The assistant points his finger at one of the options and says, "Would you like a Tandoori?"

"No, I'm happy with my skin colour," replies the fish.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu. You get what you deserve

Did you read the menu?

'Cause all I see is me 'n u

Subway released their new kids menu.

They say it's Jared's favorite.

I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway...

It's a this order disorder disorder disorder.

The local Chinese restaurant has creme brulee, but it's not on the menu.

It's Secret Asian Flan

What will be on the Denny's Menu when ISIS takes over?

The Grand I-slam

Waiter: "What'll you have?"

Me: "I'll have the chameleon."

Waiter: "That's not on the menu."

Me: "How can you be sure?"

Gordon Ramsay rejected all the photos taken to showcase his latest menu ...

... they were formatted RAW

A guy walks into a restaurant, sits at the counter.

He starts looking thru the menu, and sees 'chili'. "Oh, I haven't had a decent bowl of chilli in a long time".
Asks the server for the chili, and she says "sorry dear, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl"


He notices the gentleman next to him with a bowl of chili, but he'...

I get really grumpy when the work canteen has Soylent Green on the menu.

I'm really not a people person.

I like my women how I like my coffee....

On a menu board with the prices next to them.

A blind guy walks in a diner...

He sits down at a table and the owner comes up to him.
"Hello sir, goodevening would you like to see a menu or do you know what you want?"
To which the man replies," I'm sorry I'm blind but I'll tell you what, bring me a dirty fork from for recommended plate."
Confused, but interested th...

A man goes into a restaurant and orders off the starter menu.

The waitress brings him a bowl of soup but the man notices she has her thumb stuck in it. When the soup is finished the waitress suggests beef stew as a main course. The man agrees but when she brings the stew to the table he notices she has her thumb stuck it that too. Once the stew is finished the...

[Bad] Why was the gourmet upset when he saw the menu?

The prices were gastronomical...

(I'll show myself out...)

Crosspost from /r/WTF, seen on a menu

Please disregard if you saw this in /r/wtf.

http://i.imgur.com/1oqlvz3.jpg

[Original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/1wtukn/this_is_printed_in_an_english_menu_at_a_mexican/)

Transcribed:

Why do Mexican kids walk around school like they own the place? Because t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Communist and a Fascist walk into a bar..

The bartender asks if the men would like menus.

The Communist exclaimes "No, I am full, like the earth is full of bodies of those killed under Fascist rule!"

The Fascist retorts "I'll take a menu, as I am starving, like every man, woman, child and dog who lived under Communist rule."...

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

A man goes into a restaurant.

After looking over the menu for a bit, a beautiful waitress comes over to serve him and asks what he would like.

He says, "I want a quickie."

She slaps him and says, "Just give me your order, mister!"

Another customer leans over and says, "I believe that's pronounced 'quic...

At my school, the cafeteria has "World Cuisine" day once a week, in which one foreign nation's traditional cuisine is on the menu. Last week, the country was Ethiopia...

...they served us nothing.

A man and his wife just bought a new beach house with their lottery winnings.

At the wife's insistence, they start planning a lavish party to get to know their new neighbors, and the husband is put in charge of securing catering. He orders all the other food she wants for the menu, but unfortunately he forgets the escargot, and by the time he realizes it's too late. He figure...

A travelling salesman walks into a bar...

He’s going over the menu when a local guy slides onto the stool next to him, and just says one word: “Waterloo.”

Guessing he’s onto something of a local speciality, he asks for one himself. He takes a deep swig and pulls a face: “This doesn’t taste like anything at all!!!” he exclaims.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The cowboy

So it's the days of the old west. A cattle drive has ended in St. Louis, and a cowboy comes into a fancy restaurant. He's dirty, he's hungry, and he's tired.

The restaurant is crowded; the only seat available is next to a very wealthy, very proper woman with lots of jewelry and her nose in t...

A business is at a hotel in NYC.

Ah the Big Apple! He is excited and goes down to get breakfast at the hotel restaurant before his meeting. He looks over the menu and the waiter comes after an slightly extended wait.
“I’ll have the short stack of pancakes” the business man says with interest.
“Very good” remarked the waiter....

I checked out a brothel and spent time with a bipolar asian girl last night

Dont think I'll be ordering sweet & sour off the menu again any time soon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing!?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear? They opened a pizza place in the Vatican!

It’s called Cheesus Crust.

They only use Swiss cheese Because it’s so holy.

Their most famous topping is pope-peroni.

They’re really famous for their dough.
It takes three days to rise.

They only serve seeded olives.
Because they’re afraid of the pit.

Their...

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

A Blind man in a restaurant

A blind man went to a restaurant. "Menu sir?" asked the owner

"I'm blind just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order." the confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath "Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. "U...

A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
“Wow I’ve never seen a weasel in my bar before!” exclaims the bartender. “What kind of alcohol would you like?”
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, “Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you...

Wendy’s has the Baconator and a smaller Baconator called Son of Baconator

There is also a secret menu item called Stepson of Baconator where Wendy’s finds a burger and ignores it for 10 years while banging its mom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

And look at the menu:

-Local beer: $5

-Imported Beer: $8


-Chicken Wings: $1/Piece

-Chicken Sandwich: $9

-Handjob: $18

The guy asks the barmaid, which is pretty sexy: ''Are you the one that takes care of handjobs?

The barmaid replies: ''Of course, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A English man goes for dinner in a Spanish city

As he's sitting browsing the menu, he notices a man across from him recieves his meal, a large seared juicy looking ball of meat. The man asks the Maître d "What is that man eating" the waiter replies "That is the victory special, a rosted and broilled bull testicle from the weekly bull fight, unfor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a hispanic themed restaurant...

He grabs the menu... He couldn't understand the food that was being served there. The waiter comes to his aid and says,

"Señor, what will you have?"

The man replies, "um... I think I'll have this... This here.. number 3"

The waiter responds, "Si Señor, you like the cojones ya?"<...

McCheese with Royale sauce

"And ummmm, some curly fries with that."

"Sir this is McDonald's, our fries are all straight."

"Oh. Well then just a ummmmmm quesadilla then."

"Sir, this is still McDonald's. We don't serve quesadillas."

"Ahhhhh, ummmm, can I get a McCheese with Royale sauce?"

"....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump and Pence go stop at a local diner for breakfast.

The waitress greets the two and says, "What will it be today?"

Pence looks up from the menu and says, "I'll have two eggs, bacon, rye, and a coffee. Thank you."

The waitress scribbles on her notepad and turns to Trump, "and for you, Mr. President?"

Trump smiles at the waitress a...

A man goes to a restaurant...

Where he seats himself at a table and browses the menu.

After settling on what he wants, he places the order with the waitress.

After his food arrives, he grabs his plate and leaves the restaurant, climbs into his car and drives to the airport.

There, he boards a plane to Nepal,...

A French fry walks into a bar

\- Can I see the menu, please?

\- I'm sorry, but we don't serve food.

Wife: I am having an affair

Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well.

An old man goes into a restaurant...

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit walks up to his table and asks if he is ready to order.

"What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu, scans her...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and is given an apple

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke, the barman looks at him and slaps an apple onto the bar. The man is perplexed and asks why there is an apple, the barman tells the man to take a bite out of the apple. The man bites into the apple and is amazed that it tastes just like rum ! The ba...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First Date

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you li...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My vegetarian friend

My vegetarian friend believes that animals don't deserve to just die for our food, and she always lectures everybody about it. One day, I caught her having a Carribean takeaway, which was clearly chicken, so I did what she would've done and started going on about how that chicken didn't deserve to d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at a conference in Las Vegas....

...and decides to procure the services of a call girl. The hooker comes to his hotel room and they proceed to negotiate.

"What's on the menu?" the man asks.

"Well, a hand job is $500," said the hooker.

"Five hundred dollars? For a hand job?" the man exclaimed.

The hooke...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nice one from my dad who is a chef.

A man goes to a fancy restaurant. The head waiter seats him and he receives the menu. The man orders a three course dinner.

The waitor comes out with the precourse which is a soup. The man couldn't help noticing the waitor having his thumb in the soup,but decides to eat the soup any way.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hand Jobs $20 (nsfw)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the han...

A gentleman walks into a very busy Italian Restaurant

The host explains that they are very busy and he will have no choice of seating. The gentleman agrees and is seated at the only remaining table. He views the menu and orders a plate of the city's best spaghetti. The waiter comes to the table and sets the meal before him.

The gentleman puts th...

An old rabbi feels his time on Earth is drawing to a close.

He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he has never done. He thinks for a while and comes to a decision - he has always wanted to know what pork tastes like, and damn it all if he isn't going to try it before he passes on.

He's a cautious man, however, and he's aware of hi...

A man in a pub asks for a beer

A man in a pub asks for a beer. The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar." "One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?" "Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars." "Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns th...

A man walks into a bar...

and on the menu he sees Hamburgers $5, Cheeseburgers $6, Handjobs $10. He walks up to the bar and a beautiful brunette comes to take his order. She seductively leans over the bar and asks the man, “Can I get you something dear?” The man says “Are you the one that makes the burgers and gives the han...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blind man in a Hotel...

Manager - Menu Sir ??

Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.

Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...

"Unbelievable" said the manager...

Every week he came & was corre...

A woman and her husband are eating at a Chinese restaurant.

The woman loves how artistic the Chinese language looks written, so she takes home a menu and chooses her favorite symbols and knits a sweater with said symbols on the front.

A few months later her and her husband are invited to his company's party. She decides this is the perfect time to wea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A local restaurant closed down...

It all started going wrong when the owner wanted to teach his son how to have an active but safe sex life, he did it subtly by changing the name of one of the menu items to '70s netflix and chill'

Suddenly people stopped coming and when the son asked his dad what was up he said

"Guess ...

A modernist, materialist, and postmodernist decide to drive to a bar.

The modernist looks over the menu, and decides that he doesn’t want anything on there, instead proceeding to describe his ideal drink to the bartender.

The bartender was clearly annoyed by this, but wrote down the order anyway. After the bartender was done, the materialist asked “how much doe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into an exotic bar looking for something to eat.

He studies the fancy menu for a moment, then decides on the 'Half Roast Donkey'.

Having never tried this before, and being quite a large gentleman, he slams his fist on the bar and shouts, "Full Roast Donkey, NOW!"

"No", says the barman, "I can't serve an ass whole."

A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty blonde waitress as she passes by his table...

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She throws a drink in his face. "The men I please are none of your damn business!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Las Bolas del Toro”, a joke my grandfather loves to tell me.

A young man visits Spain on a trip, he hears a ruckus and goes to inspect.

He finds an arena where the bull fighting had just ended, and sees a lot of people filing into a restaurant across the street.

The young man sits down and begins looking at the menu, when suddenly he hears the...

Holy Water at the Bar

So a villager walks into the alehouse and notices holy water on the menu.

He asks the bartender why there is holy water on the menu.

The bartender replies that the priests in the village have been trying to restrict people's drinking habits.

The villager then asks how holy water...

How did Jared from Subway lose weight?

He was ordering off the kids menu.

My Boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in apron and menu*

My Boss: “You’re a cop where did you get those”

Bill Clinton and Al Gore decide to go eat out at a diner

After giving them some time, the waitress comes and asks if they are ready to order.

Bill goes, "Yes, I'd like to have a quickie please."

"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the menu."

Al Gore leans over...

The Diner's Challenge

A connoisseur is looking for new restaurants to visit and notices one that promises to be able to serve the meat of any animal. He thinks it's a hoax but decides to give it a try anyway.

He enters the restaurant and is seated at a table with fine white tablecloth and expensive-looking silverw...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of my favorite restaurant was arrested for beastiality..

That explains why jerk chicken and pulled pork were the only two menu items.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a fancy restaurant...

...and sits alone at an empty table. After some time exploring the menu he calls for a waiter.
"Are you ready to order sir?"
"Yes, I will have a single shrimp and a glass of milk" says the man. The waiter shocked by the extravagance of the order writes it down and goes rushes into the kitchen....

My date asked if I prefer cats or dogs.

I replied, "I don't even see them on the menu. What page are you on?"

A man walks into a bar and a busty blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

The man looks up at the menu above the bar and sees that it says, "Hot dog $2, Cheese burger $5, Hand job $10".

He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am".

The man says, "Well in that case, wash your hands. I want a che...

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

So I am opening an Italian style restaurant.

Every item on the menu is going to be medication themed.

I am gonna call it.... Big Parma.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar. On the wall he reads the menu: Beer $1; Chicken Sandwiches $2; and Hand Jobs $4. Interested he walks to the bar counter where he finds a voluptuous and sexy woman. He calls her closer with a smile and whispers, "Are you the one giving the hand jobs?". She smiles, pushes her b...

An old man orders a chicken from the diner...

The irascible old gentleman had ordered a chicken from the menu, but when he got it, he wasn’t satisfied.

“Waiter!” he yelled. “Bring a charge of dynamite and a hatchet and a double steam power jackhammer—that’s the only way I can carve this bird!”

The waiter was desolate. “Very sorry,...