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Consist Jokes

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Did you know that Flemish people are consistently rated as highly attractive, but have a low average IQ?

Stupid sexy Flanders.

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

Golf

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the...

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

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When it comes to sex I'm very consistent.

Like today, I had no sex for the 532nd day in a row.

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said,

”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now".

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people ...

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

What

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this ...

What do you call a knight with a consistent sleep schedule?

Sir Cadian

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

The gynocologist turned mechanic...

After 20 years in the industry, a gynecologist decides he wants to try something new, so he takes some classes on automotive work. After completing the final, which consisted of a written test and a practical, he asked his instructor how he did.

"Well, you earned 150 points out of 100." The I...

Did you know that the consistency of a woman's menstrual fluid is varies greatly based on her diet?

It's a viscous cycle.

Germany has a vegan party that consist of nearly 1% of its votes.

Its not going to grow much larger though. It's hard for them to get much work done. They never meet.

There's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular

lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor and barely has an a...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.

The Ex-Men.

What does artificial light consist of?

Fauxtons

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

What do call a Hip Hop group that consists of furries?

The Uwu-Tang Clan.

What do you call a protest consisting of the letters A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y?

A vowel movement

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An angel appeared before a conference of philosophers.

Everyone was shocked, especially considering many of them were atheists. At once, a debate raged about what to ask this supernatural entity.

Seeing the commotion, in a booming voice, the angel said, "I will return in one hour, at which time I will answer any one question with 100% certainty....

I'm a very consistent man at work.

I come in late every single day.

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.



Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined li...

I don't know why some Americans have a problem with a family consisting of two dads...

I mean, the country itself has forefathers.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices:

take it or leave it.

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

My girlfriend lacks consistency.

She's always telling me she wants me to be more positive. Now that's the very thing she's mad about after one measly trip to the health clinic.

Accidents keep happening consistently at 12:12 in the afternoon.

Dammit noon noon

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

Why do people consistently make bad chemistry jokes?

Because all the good ones Argon.

My middle name is Consistency

So are my first and last names.

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A man was convicted for murdering and eating his victims, which consisted of homosexuals and disabled people

When asked why he did this, he responded that he just wanted to get his 5 fruit and veg a day

The Windex snapchat isn't consistent with posts.

Guess it's because they don't like streaks.

I've invented a new chemical compound consisting of sixteen Sodium atoms

I've named it "Batman."

I was once a very consistent man.

Once was enough.

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Watched a cooking show the other day and the dessert they served was quite unsettling. It consisted of a female prostitute that had been hung, drawn and quartered...

They called it a Deconstructed Tart.

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

I wrote a few jokes for reddit and there is always one person who consistently likes my jokes - I just wish I could see who that one person is so I could look him in the eye and say:

Thanks for all your support!!!

but unfortunately when I write my terrible dad jokes I can never look myself in the eyes

If Mayweather wins this match he'll be so consistent...

...that they'll have to start calling him "Mayclimate"

What superhero consists of only 16 atoms?

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!

There once was a choir which entirely consisted of people named Dan

Every year on Christmas Eve the choir goes to church where they have the tradition to go outside when it's dark to sing songs under the night sky.

It is such a big event that many people who are also named Dan come to town just to join the choir and they would also bring their families to wat...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

How is it so consistently warm and toasty in Hell?

Good insoulation.

I can never be consistent when I play sniper.

It's always a hit or miss.

What do you call a child's Pokemon team consisting of 6 EV trained Dittos?

A Youngster's Roster of Fostered Imposters

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I hired a porno the other day but instead of seeing hot young ladies pleasuring each other, the movie consisted entirely of some fat old man sitting on his couch holding his dick.

Then I realised I hadn't turned the TV on.

Which actress stays consistent, especially in the winter time?

Eva Green

Doctor said a healthy diet consisted of a lot of colors...

So I ate skittles

In 1973, the Six Million Dollar Man consisted of a bionic man with super powers...

In 2016, the Six Million Dollar Man consists of two hip replacements.

Pizza Hut is very consistent...

The pizza tastes exactly like the box it comes in.

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What genre consists of erotic novels?

Cliterature

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

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Yankel the Jew is walking in town one day. He is walking by the stores, admiring all the storefronts and the products they offer.

Suddenly, he notices a peculiar sign on the window of a pet store: "Talking Parrot! Can have real conversations!"
He went inside and inquired about the parrot. As he was shown the parrot, the parrot squawks, "Hello, how are you! I'm rudolph!" In near perfect english and the parrot holds out his w...

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The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

What does a cannibal life coach value in their clients?

*Consistency.*

One night four college students were out partying late

One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. Then they went to the teacher and said they had gone out to a weddi...

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

A young lad sees the Director of the company he works at park up in a brand new Aston Martin.

'Nice car' says the lad.

The Director looks at him coolly on the eye and says 'See this lad, if you work hard, do loads of unpaid hours and consistently exceed your punishing sales targets, well lad, this time next year ...... I can buy another one.'

3 blondes were standing around some tracks.

The first blonde said "look at these tracks! Do you think they're deer tracks?"

The second blonde shook her head "no, there are no hoof prints. If anything these are dog tracks".

The third blonde chuckled, "come on you two. Look at the even spacing, the consistent depth, the distance b...

Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.

He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.

This diet also gave him very bad breath.

This made him...


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This pandemic has given a whole generation the time to work on their hobbies, and become very skillful at them...

... to bad these hobbies consist mostly of drinking.

german, the language of poets and thinkers

german, the language of poets and thinkers.
also german:

A: we need some new words for all this stuff.

B: okay, what's the first one doing?

A: it's a vehicle that flies.

B: okay. flyingstuff.

A: wow, awesome! okay, the next one is a vehicle that drives.

B...

Giant: "I'll grind this orphan's bones to make my cake!"

Also Giant: "I find self-raising flour makes for a lighter and more consistent texture."

Have you ever heard of Clinton Soup?

It consists of a weenie in hot water

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false...

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to inve...

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

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One day, a father and his daughter are together.

The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The da...

Can we come up with a brand new, never ending joke.

So let’s say one person initiates the joke by coming up with a line, the next person either continues the set up or has a punchline but the punchline must also be able to set up the next persons line, etc etc etc, can it be done? Will it be consistently funny? I think I’ve made sense but I’m not gre...

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

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Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

An Asian woman has twins, a boy and a girl.

They came out within two seconds of each other, and the doctors forgot to record which one actually came out first. This was problematic for her as it had been a tradition in her family going back almost a thousand years to name the first born of each generation "Lin". After some discussion from her...

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Another blonde joke

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions. 

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. Sh...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

Two things I hate the most

1. Consistency
2. Inconsistency

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

Being the king of an extremely rich nation can get to you sometimes...

Don't get me wrong, I love the pampering, the amazing food and the world class treatment I get wherever I happen to be. However, it does get a little too much when you constantly see people wait on you hand and foot. I get assistance in almost all the activities I perform. I am a grown adult for cry...

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Never panic, there's always a solution

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter...

Most people don’t realize how similar the jobs of dentists and correction officers really are.

They both mainly consist of cavity searches.

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

Two boxers go head to head for the biggest match of the season!

In one corner we have Timmy “The Lemon” Dorah!

And in the other corner we have Tommy “The Lime” Jokata!

Both men are known for their vastly different capabilities, Timmy having an extremely weak body, but insanely strong arms, and Tommy being known for his insanely strong body and extr...

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A blind man walks into a bar ...

A blind man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Give me a shot of your finest 30 year old single malt !”

The bartender says, “You know, that will cost you 100 bucks – it’s pretty expensive”. The blind man says “Not a problem, I have the money and I know what I like !”. So the bartende...

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

Eddie Vedder's LED lamp bulb stops working...

He goes out to buy some replacements, and sees that the colour options available consist of blue and yellow.

After testing both colours of bulb on his lamp, he decides that he likes the yellow LED better.

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.
They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.
The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer short...

I just made a playlist for hiking

It consists of Peanuts, Eminem, California Raisins and The Cranberries. I call it my Trail Mix.

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Nice dog...

A man was walking down the street when he observed a funeral passing by. The strange procession consisted of two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind him were about 20 men of all descriptions, marching along in step. The guy watching all of this was so puzzled by the odd parade that h...

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There were a punker and an old man in the bus.

An the old man is consistently staring at a punker. After some time, punker gets annoyed
-"What's the matter old man? Never seen a punker before? Weren't you crazy when you were my age?"
-Old man replies "Yes I was. I once fucked a parrot. I was asking myself if you were my son."

The principle difference's between Murphy's law and Cole's law

Murphy's law postulates that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Cole's law primarily consists of thinly shredded cabbage, carrot and mayonnaise.

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

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A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by

A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longe...

A time traveler arrives in the year 2069 and decides to check in with Reddit to see if it's still around.

To his surprise it is. So he heads to /r/jokes to see what has developed in the world of humor.

To his surprise, each post consisted of just a number. Scrolling through, he saw that each vote had a hundreds of upvotes while 3527 had thousands and several awards to boot.

Puzzled, he ...

The farmer's nagging wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out p...

I have amnesia

It’s the only reason I find this sub consistently funny

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The Brit, the Frenchman, the Gangster and the Tribals

One day, a trio of adventurers are making their way through the Amazon. The group consists of a die-hard Brit, a die-hard Frenchman and a recent addition to the team, a gangster from downtown Chicago. Eventually, the party is caught by a group of tribals and put in a cage. The chief of the tribals a...

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My Grandpa's favorite "dumb blonde" joke.

A blonde is on an airplane to Chicago and gets up from her seat in coach and goes into the first class cabin and sits down.

The flight attendant goes up to the blonde and politely tells her that she does not have a first class ticket and must go back to coach. The blonde refuses and says , "...

How did the Mexican chef become the best cop on the force?

Consistency. He always finished a case a dia.

Murphy’s Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole’s Law?

It’s a salad consisting primarily of finely shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise

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My mate had builders in doing an extension...

and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.

At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of $2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money ...

Punishing kids now days...

Punishing kids now days consists of taking away all of their technology and making them experience life the way you grew up.

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