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I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

What did the city say to the chemist getting evicted?

Cesium and desist

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As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

An old joke from about 100 years ago that's actually somewhat amusing

A Milwaukee man and his wife recently received a call from an old friend whom they had not seen for years. Just before the three sat down to a little supper in the German style, the wife, seizing a favorable opportunity, whispered to her husband:

"We have only three bottles of beer in the hou...

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Johnny's Date

Two friends got lucky after one night at the bar and picked a lady each. When they decided to go down to the nitty gritty they found out they have no money left for the hotel room and knew already the ladies wouldn't do anything on the car so they remembered that his friend Johnny lived alone and th...

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

A cease and desist.

What do you call a lawsuit against a zombie?

Deceased and desist

Happy Retirement

My friends that still work ask me frequently what I do every day, now that I'm retired. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and entered a shop; I wasn't there for even five minutes.

When I exited, a cop was filling out a ticket for double-parking. I quickly approached him and sai...

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The King and his donkey? Father Murphy tried that too...

[BringItOnFellas' previous version here](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2dru6u/a_king_enrolled_his_donkey_in_a_race_and_won/)

Father Murphy's parish was always scratching for the mortgage payment, until one day he came up with a plan: they would buy a racehorse, enter it in a few race...

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