UPJOKE
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Plumber Jokes

I asked a plumber what time it was

He told me it was between 8 AM and 4 PM.

A husband and wife are having breakfast

The wife asks him: ‘Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck’

‘Do I look like a carpenter?’

‘And the toilet is also clogged.. i’d take a look at that as well’

‘Do I look like a plumber?’

‘Oh and theres a tile loose on our kitchen floor’...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

Every morning this week my girlfriend and I have been getting all hot and sweaty in the shower.

Cold handle's broken. Plumber'll be here Tuesday.

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Did you hear about the new TV drama about a team of plumbers?

It’s gonna be a shit-show.

How many plumbers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one who's willing to take a Crack at it.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend...

A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend.

"How did you break your leg?" asked the friend

"It's like this," he replied: "This guy had promised his wife that he would fix the sink plumbing on a particular day. That day, he realized he would need to stay late at w...

What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia

In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and ju...

A dog goes to the Job Centre

A dog goes to the job centre and asked for assistance in finding employment.

The employee at the Job Centre says "Bloody hell! A talking dog! You should get a job at the circus!"

The dog replies "Why's that? Are they after a plumber?"

[NSFW] What do a plumber and a walrus have in common?

They both like a good, tight seal.

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My son went over to check out a construction project at our neighbor's and it reminded me of this classic...

Little Johnny is bored and asks his dad for something to do.

"Go across the street to that construction site and talk to the workers. Maybe you'll learn something," his dad said.

Johnny was gone all day and finally comes home for dinner. During the meal, Johnny's dad asked, "you were a...

A plumber went to the doctor

He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"

The doctor replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."

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Two Jewish newlyweds have just finished having sex.

The wife sashays naked to the bathroom, but the husband soon hears a shout for help. When he comes in he finds his wife has sat in the toilet with the seat up and gotten stuck. Despite his best efforts the husband can't his wife out and goes to ring an emergency plumber.

His wife shouts, "...

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My ex-wife cheated on me with the plumber, the electrician, and carpenter

She was a jack off all trades

A Bishop and his plumber played golf

The plumber kept shooting the ball way out of bounds cursing " Goddamn it, I missed again". The bishop, annoyed, asked the plumber not to speak gods name in vain. As they moved to the next hole the plumber misses again, " Goddamn it, I missed again" The Bishop became furious. The third hole came an...

A man walks into a car dealership

A Russian man walks into a car dealership to buy a new car. The salesman says, "I am sorry sir, due to the war and sanctions, all cars are spoken for. I have a waiting list, but it is so long that it will take 10 years to get your new car."

The man says, "Well, I might as well get on the li...

What is an Italian plumber’s favorite band?

Mario Speedwagon

Three Irish friends are in their local pub

One of them sighs and says, "lads, I think my wife is cheating on me with an electrician". The other two friends are shocked to hear this. "Why? What makes you think that?", asks one of them. "Well", the first man replies, "I found a pair of wire cutters under the bed, and they're not mine".

...

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Home Repairs

A couple woke up one morning and began getting ready for the day. While brushing their teeth the wife noticed the sink was leaking and asked her husband to fix it. He turned to her and said, "Do I look like a fucking plumber?"

A few minutes later his wife noticed the closet light had a short...

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A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half a...

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

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A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

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My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

Escorts

Every escort I met had a different weired fetish, something I found deeply annoying.

Mainly because I trained as plumber and always hated getting the kinks out of the hose.

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon’s house.

After a two-minute job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, “I don’t even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon.” The plumber replied, “I agree. You are right! I too, didn’t either, when I was a surgeon. That’s why I switched to plumbing.

Communism works!

In Soviet Russia, a citizen was standing in line to buy a car. When he finally reached the front of the line he specified the color he wanted and paid the full cost of the car.
The man at the counter took his money and asked him to come back in 5 years to pick up his car.
The citizen asked whe...

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit.

A lawyer, a doctor, a cop, an electrician, a plumber walks into a bar.

**Bartender asks "So what will you have Johnny Sins?"**

There was a tap on the door

That plumber had a sense of humour

I feel bad for plumbers who install those fancy water heaters that hang on the wall.

It’s a tankless job.

What do plumbers, garbagemen, and economists all have in common?

They all deal with gross domestic product.

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new batt...

Four guys were driving in a car, an engineer, electrician, plumber and an IT guy

The car suddenly stops working.

The engineer suggest to check the belts, fluids etc...

The electrician suggest to check the battery and alternator...

The plumber suggest to check the fuel level, pump and filter...

Last, the IT guys says lets get out, lock the doors, unl...

Got some relationship advice from my plumber friend.

He told me to Pfister till she Moens.

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice gentlemen.

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

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What did the plumber say when he cleaned out the sewer line.

"Shit's about to go down."

What is plumber's least favourite vegetable?

Leeks.

How many plumbers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A boss to tell the plumber, a plumber to tell the helper, and a helper to get the electrician to do it.

A doctor's toilet gets clogged up

He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.

Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!

Plum...

A wife is asking her husband for help.

First she asks if he can help fix her car.
“I’m not a mechanic” he replies.

Next she asks if he can fix the faucet in the kitchen.
“I’m not a plumber” he says.

Lastly she asks if he can help fix the broken cupboard door.
“I’m not a carpenter” he says.


The foll...

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A plumber is called to a house with nobody home

When he arrived there was a note that read "sorry we can't be home but here's a key to let yourself in. Beware of Spike the dog, and whatever you do, DO NOT talk to the parrot"

The guy walks into the house and sees a big doberman, but it seems calm so he goes about his business.

While ...

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What’s the difference between a plumber and the police?

You call one when shit is going down, and you call the other when it isn’t.

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.

“How to spot a millionaire, am I right? ” he winks and smiles at the bartender

“No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire”

“Okay - so he must be extremely charming?”

“Larry is actually a ma...

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”

A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start...

Joke told in the Soviet Union

(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)

A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says “Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up.” The man replies ...

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 year...

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A wife calls her husband.

"The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink."

"Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?"

"What happened last time?"

"He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him"

What's a plumbers least favorite vegetable?

A leek

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Bit of a dad joke but I find it funny

What do plumbers and teachers have in common?


They both gotta deal with little shits all day

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

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A guy needs to get some plumbing work done

He searches for plumbers, finds the team that seems to be fit for the job and calls them. Two men arrive at his house and take a good look around. Finally one of them says: "Okay, we got it, come back in 3 days, we should be done".
3 days later the guy comes back and sees that they seem to have...

My best friend has a hot and cold relationship

She’s dating a plumber

Plumber Miscommunication

One day, a family started hearing loud talking coming from underneath the ground in their backyard. They figured maybe the plumber who did some work yesterday left a radio down there.

They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about climate change and UFO’s.

They...

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

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NSFW. How do tell the difference between a porn star and a statistician?

Get them to pronounce "analyzed".

OC. This is my take on the joke about how the chemist and the plumber pronounce "unionized"

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

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The parrot and the plumber

A woman who has a pet parrot also has a problem with her plumbing, so she calls a plumber. While she is waiting for him, she decides she needs some items from the store. She thinks she can probably make it to the store and back before the plumber arrives, so off she goes.

Shortly after she ...

I used to perform in a backup group.

We were called "The Plumbers". Most of our gigs were in kitchens and bathrooms.

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I just got accepted to make a porno.

I play the role of the husband going off to work whilst my wife waits for the plumber to come and fix the washing machine.

How cool is that!

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Three babies

So there's three babies in the womb. At some point Baby 1 asks a question


Baby 1: So what are you guys going to do when you get out of here? I'm going to be a plumber to fix the plumbing of this place because there's water everywhere!


Baby 2: Well I will become an electrici...

People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house?

My wife.

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You decide to get some new water storage tanks for your house out in the countryside.

The plumber doing the installation, some guy called Terry, arrives hours late, completes the job way over schedule and overcharges you, so you give him the finger and pay him in one-cent coins (which you've saved for occasions like this). Terry says nothing and leaves, but unbeknownst to you, he fir...

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs.

But I didn’t bend down to get it, because I didn’t want plumber’s crack.

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.

“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.

“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”

The plumber said,” Y...

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A Plumber Walks into a Bar…

Shit goes down.

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I used her as bait to lure an Italian plumber into my castle

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

A member of the Soviet Union wants to buy a car

The man goes to the official agency, puts down his money and is told that he can take delivery of his automobile in exactly 10 years.

“Morning or afternoon?'' the purchaser asks.

“Ten years from now, what difference does it make?'' replies the clerk.

''Well,'' says the car-buyer...

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New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea...

Of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

Never buy your hard drugs from the Roto-Rooter guy...

Plumber's crack is nasty

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" I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me

I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

Never going to fulfill my aspiration to become a plumber

Guess it was only a pipe dream

Why did the plumber cry ?

Cause all his hard work went down the drain.

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

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My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

An old granny and her grand daughter are chatting about granpa

-Did you love him, granma?
-Oh yes, i loved him so much. He was all my life, even tough he was so lazy.
-How come?
-You see, everytime there was something not working, he would never do anything about It. "Al, the sink Is broken." "Do i look like a plumber?" He would reply. "Hon, a brick fe...

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So we were watching porn and my girlfriend said it's so unrealistic.

"So you think no frustrated wife ever made an advance at her plumber?" I asked.

"Not that." She replied "The ones who repair ours have tiny cocks".

"Wait...what ?"

I cured a terrible case of nail biting.

I told him to become a plumber, he did and now he never bits his fingernails.

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A convict was sent to work at a church, you won't believe what happened next...

A guy got sentenced to do some community service at the local church after robbing it. The first day, the priest decided to put him to work at the confessional booth and accompanied him through the first confessions to show him how it works.

First woman entered the booth and said: "Bless me F...

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I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

There once was a plumber from Lea

Who was plumbing a girl by the sea

She said "Stop with your plumbing, I think someone's coming!"

Said the plumber, still plumbing "It's me."

How is a van der graaf generator similar to a plumber?

They both charge a lot.

What’s the difference between a plumber and a pusher?

One reveals his crack while fixing your pipe. The other deals the crack you smoke in your pipe.

What do tradies smoke?

Plumber’s crack

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

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