UPJOKE
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My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

[NSFW] What do a plumber and a walrus have in common?

They both like a good, tight seal.

How many plumbers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one who's willing to take a Crack at it.

A plumber went to the doctor

He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"

The doctor replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."

A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend...

A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend.

"How did you break your leg?" asked the friend

"It's like this," he replied: "This guy had promised his wife that he would fix the sink plumbing on a particular day. That day, he realized he would need to stay late at w...

A Bishop and his plumber played golf

The plumber kept shooting the ball way out of bounds cursing " Goddamn it, I missed again". The bishop, annoyed, asked the plumber not to speak gods name in vain. As they moved to the next hole the plumber misses again, " Goddamn it, I missed again" The Bishop became furious. The third hole came an...

What is an Italian plumber’s favorite band?

Mario Speedwagon

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My ex-wife cheated on me with the plumber, the electrician, and carpenter

She was a jack off all trades

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon’s house.

After a two-minute job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, “I don’t even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon.” The plumber replied, “I agree. You are right! I too, didn’t either, when I was a surgeon. That’s why I switched to plumbing.

A lawyer, a doctor, a cop, an electrician, a plumber walks into a bar.

**Bartender asks "So what will you have Johnny Sins?"**

A dog goes to the Job Centre

A dog goes to the job centre and asked for assistance in finding employment.

The employee at the Job Centre says "Bloody hell! A talking dog! You should get a job at the circus!"

The dog replies "Why's that? Are they after a plumber?"

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit.

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What’s the difference between a plumber and the police?

You call one when shit is going down, and you call the other when it isn’t.

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A plumber is called to a house with nobody home

When he arrived there was a note that read "sorry we can't be home but here's a key to let yourself in. Beware of Spike the dog, and whatever you do, DO NOT talk to the parrot"

The guy walks into the house and sees a big doberman, but it seems calm so he goes about his business.

While ...

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A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

What do plumbers, garbagemen, and economists all have in common?

They all deal with gross domestic product.

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My son went over to check out a construction project at our neighbor's and it reminded me of this classic...

Little Johnny is bored and asks his dad for something to do.

"Go across the street to that construction site and talk to the workers. Maybe you'll learn something," his dad said.

Johnny was gone all day and finally comes home for dinner. During the meal, Johnny's dad asked, "you were a...

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the thi...

Four guys were driving in a car, an engineer, electrician, plumber and an IT guy

The car suddenly stops working.

The engineer suggest to check the belts, fluids etc...

The electrician suggest to check the battery and alternator...

The plumber suggest to check the fuel level, pump and filter...

Last, the IT guys says lets get out, lock the doors, unl...

A Russian couple finally gets to the front of the line to buy a car. "Your car is approved, it will here on October 5th, 2027." "Morning or afternoon?" asked the couple. "What difference does that make, it is five years from now."

"The plumber is coming in the morning."

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice gentlemen.

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

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After a heated argument she told me i should just be a plumber

Because i like to bring up old shit.

I feel bad for plumbers who install those fancy water heaters that hang on the wall.

It’s a tankless job.

How many plumbers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A boss to tell the plumber, a plumber to tell the helper, and a helper to get the electrician to do it.

What is plumber's least favourite vegetable?

Leeks.

Plumber Miscommunication

One day, a family started hearing loud talking coming from underneath the ground in their backyard. They figured maybe the plumber who did some work yesterday left a radio down there.

They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about climate change and UFO’s.

They...

What's a plumbers least favorite vegetable?

A leek

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs.

But I didn’t bend down to get it, because I didn’t want plumber’s crack.

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The parrot and the plumber

A woman who has a pet parrot also has a problem with her plumbing, so she calls a plumber. While she is waiting for him, she decides she needs some items from the store. She thinks she can probably make it to the store and back before the plumber arrives, so off she goes.

Shortly after she ...

People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house?

My wife.

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

Never going to fulfill my aspiration to become a plumber

Guess it was only a pipe dream

Why did the plumber cry ?

Cause all his hard work went down the drain.

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.

“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.

“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”

The plumber said,” Y...

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A Plumber Walks into a Bar…

Shit goes down.

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A plumber apprentice, carrying a large, heavy tool box and a master plumber go out for a job.

They get to an overflowing sewer with poop floating on top. The master puffs his cigarette a few times and put it to rest on a rock. Takes his hat off, hold his breath and dips his head into the water to take a look. After a second or so, gets his head out:

"Give me the 9/16 wrench!"
...

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
...

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I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

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My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

What does a former Twitch streamer turned plumber say every time he earns money?

Cloggers.

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An English Carpenter, an Irish Plumber, and a Chinese Laborer are hired to work a construction site...

The night before they start, the foreman explains “ok, the Englishman is going to build the frame, the Irishman will be running the pipes, and the Chinese guy is responsible for bringing the supplies, got it?”

The three nod, and agree to start setting up the next morning at 8am.

The fo...

There once was a plumber from Lea

Who was plumbing a girl by the sea

She said "Stop with your plumbing, I think someone's coming!"

Said the plumber, still plumbing "It's me."

My son wants to be a plumber when he grows up.

I told him that's a pipe dream.

A plumber wakes up and goes to the bathroom

After doing his business he stands up, turns around, and says "See ya at work!"

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Two plumbers were working on a toilet

Plumber 1: This toilet is empty

Plumber 2: No shit

Did you catch the name of that Korean plumber?

I think it was Yuli Kang...

2 builders, 4 plumber, and an electrician walk into a bar.

I really shouldn't have moved that hazard sign.

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Same shit different day. Unless you're a Plumber.

Then it's different shit same day.

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Being a plumber must suck

Your putting up with shit everyday.

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What did they call the man who gave a handjob to an electrician, a plumber, a welder, and a construction worker?

A Jack Off All Trades

I used to be a plumber, but now I’m a missionary.

...I bless the drains down in Africa...

There must be a missionary somewhere who’s also a decent plumber.

And he’s the one who blesses the drains down in Africa.

My neighbor asked me (IT Support) how to fix his leaky faucet. Not being a plumber I offered the only advise I have:

"Have you tried turning it on and back off again?"

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Two professions that will always be around are lawyers and plumbers

cause they never run out of shit to do.

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A good friend of mine asked a plumber the best way to avoid clogging the toilet. The plumber told him he should only pee and never poop.

My friend was like, "Really? No shit?"

I call my GF a plumber.

Because she cleans my pipe.

I asked the plumber to install a garbage disposal on the bathtub drain...

He looked at me like - I - was the psycho.

Why did the plumber get arrested?

Plumbers crack.

Why do Scotsmen never call a plumber?

Because they are pipers themselves.

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Dave : "My heart sank a bit as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive."

Friend : "ohhh hmmmm, and did you see anything disturbing?

Dave : "Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak."

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Two Jewish newlyweds have just finished having sex.

The wife sashays naked to the bathroom, but the husband soon hears a shout for help. When he comes in he finds his wife has sat in the toilet with the seat up and gotten stuck. Despite his best efforts the husband can't his wife out and goes to ring an emergency plumber.

His wife shouts, "...

Some plumbers wanted to have a sleepover

They held a slumber potty

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

A plumber told me an interesting thing, the best call he ever went to was when some kid had dropped a pear down the toilet.

He said it was the easiest call he'd ever been to, all he had to do was flush the toilet, and it cleared the block.

Because a flush beats a pear every time.

Plumber and a lawyer

A pipe bursts in a lawyer’s house, so he calls a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and hands the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaims, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”

The plumber replies symp...

How did the plumber die?

He committed sewercide

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

How does a plumber get in to his computer?

He remembers his password and taps it in

Do you know what the plumber said to the lady when he was standing in front of her sink?

I am at your disposal

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Plumber’s Proverb

Man who dismantles toilet has hard time dealing with shit.

I walked out of the restroom and the plumber asked me

"How bad is the leak?"

"I mean it did burn a little. I think I'll have to get it checked out"

What’s a plumbers favorite holiday?

Sinko De Mayo

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”



He replied, “It’s the plumber.”



He thought it was the lady who’d...

The plumber found a blunt in my faucet today.

No wonder my water bills are so high.

NY Plumber

A lady in NY had a parrot and all it could say was “Who is it?” On day her house plumbing started to leak so she called a plumber and scheduled a service call. At the scheduled time for the plumber she got called away for an emergency. When the plumber arrived, he was an older man, he knocked on t...

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