UPJOKE
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I asked a plumber what time it was

He told me it was between 8 AM and 4 PM.

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A plumber is called to a house with nobody home

When he arrived there was a note that read "sorry we can't be home but here's a key to let yourself in. Beware of Spike the dog, and whatever you do, DO NOT talk to the parrot"

The guy walks into the house and sees a big doberman, but it seems calm so he goes about his business.

While ...

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

"Honey, when did the plumber come yesterday?"

"Hmm he arrived at 10:00 so I would say around 10:08?“

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

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What’s the difference between a plumber and the police?

You call one when shit is going down, and you call the other when it isn’t.

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"<...

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

If you wanted to buy a car in Russia, you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it.

In Russia, if you wanted to buy a car you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it. So a fellow goes to order a car, brings his cash, stands in line.
The clerk says, “Very good comrade, you will receive your car on this day, 10 years from now”.
The man asks “In the morning o...

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I think my girlfriend would make a good plumber

She keeps bringing up old shit from weeks ago.

My friend just finished his apprenticeship as a plumber.

I guess that means he's toilet-trained now.

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

A Bishop and his plumber played golf

The plumber kept shooting the ball way out of bounds cursing " Goddamn it, I missed again". The bishop, annoyed, asked the plumber not to speak gods name in vain. As they moved to the next hole the plumber misses again, " Goddamn it, I missed again" The Bishop became furious. The third hole came an...

How many plumbers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one who's willing to take a Crack at it.

A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend...

A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend.

"How did you break your leg?" asked the friend

"It's like this," he replied: "This guy had promised his wife that he would fix the sink plumbing on a particular day. That day, he realized he would need to stay late at w...

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the thi...

2 builders, 4 plumber, and an electrician walk into a bar.

I really shouldn't have moved that hazard sign.

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

My son recently started an apprenticeship with one of the local plumbers

I love the look on his face when I tell friends, family, and anyone who will listen that he’s currently being potty trained.

A plumber went to the doctor

He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"

The doctor replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."

What did the pirate plumber always tell customers?

Fear not if ye see the Kraken

Plumber Miscommunication

One day, a family started hearing loud talking coming from underneath the ground in their backyard. They figured maybe the plumber who did some work yesterday left a radio down there.

They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about climate change and UFO’s.

They...

What's a plumbers least favorite vegetable?

A leek

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

I kept telling them I wasn’t a plumber, but they still offered me the job.

It took a while..to let that sink in.

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Did you hear about the new TV drama about a team of plumbers?

It’s gonna be a shit-show.

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My ex-wife cheated on me with the plumber, the electrician, and carpenter

She was a jack off all trades

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I had a plumber over at my house today...

I had a plumber over at my house today, and he said his girlfriend found a text on his phone. She was pissed, she said "What the hell is this!?"

The text message said. " I need 2" gal nipples and clamps. "

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The parrot and the plumber

A woman who has a pet parrot also has a problem with her plumbing, so she calls a plumber. While she is waiting for him, she decides she needs some items from the store. She thinks she can probably make it to the store and back before the plumber arrives, so off she goes.

Shortly after she ...

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

What is plumber's least favourite vegetable?

Leeks.

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon’s house.

After a two-minute job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, “I don’t even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon.” The plumber replied, “I agree. You are right! I too, didn’t either, when I was a surgeon. That’s why I switched to plumbing.

Why did the plumber cry ?

Cause all his hard work went down the drain.

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What did the plumber say when he cleaned out the sewer line.

"Shit's about to go down."

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

Plumber

There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming.
The plumber still plumbing said IT'S ME!

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A Plumber Walks into a Bar…

Shit goes down.

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
...

Back in the USSR

In the days of state control, a Russian man saved and saved and saved until he finally had enough money to buy a car. 

He took the bus to the state car agency to arrange the purchase. 

After an hour of filling in paperwork, he handed over the money and asked when he could pick it up....

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My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

How many plumbers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A boss to tell the plumber, a plumber to tell the helper, and a helper to get the electrician to do it.

Never going to fulfill my aspiration to become a plumber

Guess it was only a pipe dream

Plumber and a lawyer

A pipe bursts in a lawyer’s house, so he calls a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and hands the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaims, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”

The plumber replies symp...

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Two plumbers were working on a toilet

Plumber 1: This toilet is empty

Plumber 2: No shit

What do plumbers and economists have in common?

They both deal with gross domestic product.

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.

“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.

“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”

The plumber said,” Y...

A lawyer, a doctor, a cop, an electrician, a plumber walks into a bar.

**Bartender asks "So what will you have Johnny Sins?"**

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Same shit different day. Unless you're a Plumber.

Then it's different shit same day.

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After a heated argument she told me i should just be a plumber

Because i like to bring up old shit.

Four guys were driving in a car, an engineer, electrician, plumber and an IT guy

The car suddenly stops working.

The engineer suggest to check the belts, fluids etc...

The electrician suggest to check the battery and alternator...

The plumber suggest to check the fuel level, pump and filter...

Last, the IT guys says lets get out, lock the doors, unl...

How did the plumber die?

He committed sewercide

What’s a plumbers favorite holiday?

Sinko De Mayo

Why did the walrus become a plumber?

Cause he loves a tight seal.

Soviet Plumber

"Good news, comrade, your application for a car has been approved! Your brand new Zhighuli will be delivered 10 years, 8 months, and 26 days from today!", says the party officer to the citizen.

"Is this going to be in the morning, or in the afternoon?", replies the citizen.

"What diffe...

Why did the plumber get arrested?

Plumbers crack.

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice gentlemen.

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

A plumber wakes up and goes to the bathroom

After doing his business he stands up, turns around, and says "See ya at work!"

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”



He replied, “It’s the plumber.”



He thought it was the lady who’d...

I feel bad for plumbers who install those fancy water heaters that hang on the wall.

It’s a tankless job.

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A good friend of mine asked a plumber the best way to avoid clogging the toilet. The plumber told him he should only pee and never poop.

My friend was like, "Really? No shit?"

I call my GF a plumber.

Because she cleans my pipe.

Why do Scotsmen never call a plumber?

Because they are pipers themselves.

Some plumbers wanted to have a sleepover

They held a slumber potty

The Math Professor and the Plumber [GEEKY]

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocke...

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The plumbers lament

My Grandpa told me this one & is by far a favorite:
There once was a man named Harry Dick,
Who was cursed at birth with a corkscrewed prick,
He searched his life in a futile hunt,
To find a girl with a corkscrewed cunt, The day he found he drop stone cold dead,
God damn thing ...

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Wanna become plumber

Son : Dad I want to become a pizza delivery boy or plumber when I grow up

Dad : stop watching porn

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Why did the plumber wear glasses?

He couldn't see shit without them

My son wants to be a plumber when he grows up.

I told him that's a pipe dream.

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Two professions that will always be around are lawyers and plumbers

cause they never run out of shit to do.

Did you catch the name of that Korean plumber?

I think it was Yuli Kang...

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My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

How does a plumber get in to his computer?

He remembers his password and taps it in

What Vegetable Do Plumbers Hate?

Leeks.
Add a few peas and you have a real mess.

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Why do women make such great plumbers?

They like to bring up shit from the past.

The plumber found a blunt in my faucet today.

No wonder my water bills are so high.

Why did Mario get fired from being a plumber?

He never put his caulk away.

NY Plumber

A lady in NY had a parrot and all it could say was “Who is it?” On day her house plumbing started to leak so she called a plumber and scheduled a service call. At the scheduled time for the plumber she got called away for an emergency. When the plumber arrived, he was an older man, he knocked on t...

I used to be a plumber, but now I’m a missionary.

...I bless the drains down in Africa...

Why are dyslexic zombies such good plumbers?

Because they're always looking for drains.

There must be a missionary somewhere who’s also a decent plumber.

And he’s the one who blesses the drains down in Africa.

I asked the plumber to install a garbage disposal on the bathtub drain...

He looked at me like - I - was the psycho.

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