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Frequent Jokes

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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

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An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't k...

I named my dog “5 miles.” So that I could frequently say,

.....“I am going to walk 5 miles now”

Why did the frequent flyer get kicked off the hockey team?

He kept getting called for boarding.

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I love clarified butter but it makes me urinate way too frequently

Ghee whizz

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

Frequent browsers of /r/jokes will not get this.

Laid.

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole, but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. Billy Bob explains, "It's those baggy swim shorts that make you look like an old fool. They're years out of style. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them. I'm tellin' 'ya man y...

Why do Pirates love to frequent Reddit?

It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold!

My friend is a frequent sperm donor

Get a load of this guy

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I heard that the participants of the running of the bulls in Pamplona get so scared that they frequently poop their pants and the streets need to be cleaned frequently.

Turns out it was all .

I beat my meat frequently

My arm hertz a lot afterwards

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

People frequently tell me I'm condescending.

(meaning I talk down to people)

What do you call a vegetable that shows up on a frequent basis?

A commentator

If you’re over the age of 40 and prone to frequent trips to the bathroom, I’ve got bad news…

Urine trouble

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Having frequent keeps your memory alive.

So, on that note, I wish you all a happy 2016!

What is , and frequently walked all over?

Asphalt.

I have noticed that the phrase 'due to' is being used more frequently lately...

...possibly due to Covid.

the boss called me to his office to talk about my frequent use of the n word

some people wont take no for an answer

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Coffee drinkers have more frequently than non-coffee drinkers.

But I guess that's bound to be the case when you're awake nineteen hours a day.

What works best against those frequent reposts on /r/jokes?

Alzheimer's!

Obviously, many redditors have chosen it already.

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A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

I say "molto" frequently when speaking with my Italian neighbors.

It means ***a lot*** to them.

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

...but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He...

Have the Alabama jokes become too frequent on this sub?

Nope. They are the pinnacle of humour. Keep making them, I .

Einstein walks into an bar with his brother, Eduard, a frequenter of the bar.

Once in the bar, Eduard sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Einstein does too.
The English bartender sees Einstein and says 'Who're you? I haven't seen you here before."
Eduard, in broken English, responds "This is Albert Einstein. He is brother."
The bartender raises an eyebrow....

A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

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The gibbon is famous for being the most frequently animal in the entire world.

We'll see about that...

Why do spaniards frequently plagiarize essays?

Because nobody inspects the Spanish exposition!

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

I frequently lie awake at night...

...wondering what keeps insomniacs from sleeping.

What do you call someone who frequently engages in arguments about masks?

A public mask debater.

A man parks a beat up, rusty Plymouth right in front of the Capitol. One of the guards walks up to him and says: "Sir, please move this vehicle. This is the Capitol Hill, congressmen, senators and even the President frequent this area."

The Plymouth driver replies "I ain't scared, I got an alarm!"

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently

Snoop Dogg must have the call the exterminator pretty frequently

He's been dealing with a lot of roaches over the years.

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" ! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to...

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

An older lady visits a doctor to seek help with her frequent gas issues.

**Lady:** Doctor, you've got to help me. Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor. As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell.

**Doctor:** I see. I have a couple of ideas. Le...

What do you call frequently angry glass

Tempered glass

I'm so sorry

A man with a family and a 5 year old daughter frequently visited his hot neighbour at her house in morning.

But the neighbour had a son who was about 6 years old. One day, as a way to distract and have some private time with his mother, he said

A: Go to the patio and look at my house to see if anyone's there. If you find anyone inform me.

The son went as usual to check the neogbour's hous...

What did the Frequently Asked Question say when it stubbed it's toe?

"FAQ!"

What do you call something that is often frequently taken but is not wanted most of the time?

Tests

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

Hillary Clinton has been frequenting a new restaurant, reports say.

I guess the main appeal of it is her own private server.

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What do you call a snowman that frequently has ?

A snowplow.

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

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Annoyed by a professor who frequently used “off-color”

examples to augment class lectures, a group of students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme. Just before class the following day the professor bided time, touching on a few...

What do you call a guy who checks his blood sugar frequently?

Sir Lance A. Lot

Carobs grow on carob trees in warm climates. They are frequently transported to other regions by air.

Usually by pilots of the carob bean.

My mother-in-law frequently yells out a, e, i, o u and sometimes y very nastily.

I asked her why and she says she can't help it. She has irritable vowel syndrome.

What do incel and Excel have in common?

Both frequently assume that things are dates, even though they are not.

I worked on a farm for 5 years so I used FarmersOnly.com pretty frequently

You didn't even need a pickup line, just a pickup truck

A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors...

And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but…...

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

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So PornHub recently revealed what people all over the world were searching most frequently; finally answering a question I've always asked...

What is this world coming to!?

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

The Dog-sitter

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning so...

Corny joke

So a local state corn production and manufacturing company had an open house complete with free samples of their in house sweets and confectionery made from their finest corn.

The reception was fantastic and everything was going great, until one of the over zealous freeloaders (you know the ...

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

Two dudes are in a Radio room. Guy 1 says there's this ticking noise.

guy 2 asks what frequency?

Guy 1 Says Frequent

What do a bad computer and a bad racing team have in common?

Drivers that frequently crash

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?

They would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions!

What Do Drunk Drivers And Pokémon Go Have In Common (OC)

Frequent crashes

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...

He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'...

Today I was fired from my job…

I was on a business trip with the young attractive CFO of my company. We checked in at the hotel around the same time and took the elevator up together. After noticing that she was heading to the highest floor, reserved exclusively for their most frequent guests who have stayed with them for over a ...

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Chicken

BORROWED

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields....

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Glory!

In an old part of town there's an establishment often visited by a certain kind of people.

In addition to numerous items on display, the purpose of which is unusual but well known to those who frequent the place, there are a number of small booths arranged in pairs, each pair sharing a commo...

Donald Trump claimed his trips to Mar-a Lago didn’t cost the taxpayers anything.

He paid for them with Frequent Liar miles.

(Thanks, father in law)

My body is a temple.

It requires frequent animal sacrifice.

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Here's a joke told to me by my ancient high school band director in rural Oklahoma many years ago

Mr. Band Director loved to tell the story of how his ancestors came to settle in Oklahoma during the days of pioneers, covered wagons, and frequent, often misunderstandings with the local natives.

One day his great-grandfather was leading the conestogas when off in the distance he hear...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor

and complains about her frequent flatulence. "But it's not a big deal" she assures the doctor "as they neither smell nor are they loud." Doctor examines and gives her some pills. "Take these and see me in two weeks." Two weeks pass and woman returns, furious. "What did you do?" she demands "I'm stil...

What do you call a doctor with two black eyes?

A frequent flyer.

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the .

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

She caused frequent blue-screens and IRQ time-out errors.
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