UPJOKE
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swimmimg regularly is great for exercise

The trick is to swim like a dolphin - playfully but with a sense of porpoise.

I'm regularly asked to be a photomodel for sports magazines, man's health, dietary topics etc.

I'm the guy in the "before" pictures.

I feel sorry for the guys who regularly go to strip clubs...

Every time I go I think, "Man, I see some of these losers here every week."

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

Weekly cult meetings

A cult holds weekly meetings and all members are expected to attend regularly. This week only two cultists show up. After waiting awkwardly for awhile making small talk, they realize no one else is coming.

Both of them are getting nervous and they admit to each other they missed last weeks c...

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A Newly wed young man gets enrolled in the army

Upon arrival at the border, he goes silent and depressed as he hasn't even gone through his honeymoon phase. He doesn't participate in any group conversations nor he has any friends there. Things get too gloomy for him.
Upon noticing this, his fellow soldiers in attempt to cheer him up ask him t...

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

Does anyone know where I could find people with similar interests to regularly hang out with?

Asking for a friend.

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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

Did you know Boy George loves to regularly post jokes on Reddit?

He is a real Karma Comedian!

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I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...


Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both need to be changed regularly.

And for the same reason.

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A man goes to the doctor for a routine exam.

Peering into the patient's ear with a scope, the doctor asks the man if he masturbates regularly. Embarrassed, the man concedes that he does.

"I must recommend you stop" advises the doctor sternly.


"But why?" the patient asks, now concerned.


"Because you're disrup...

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"

The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

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A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

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My wife and I have sex very regularly

It's once a year, but always on the same day, like clockwork.

Marine biologists have discovered a group of killer whales that regularly meets and plays music together.

They call it an orca-stra.

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A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I believe your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"Of course not! He would hav...

My dentist asked me if I brush regularly.

"Yes," I replied. "And if you don't believe me, ask our pet horse. We share a toothbrush."

A girl dances with you regularly but isn't into you. What does she see you as?

A step-brother

...sorry

I once tried going to the local nunnery regularly...

But I just couldn’t get into the habit.

I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.

It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner ...

A man and his wife play petty games with each other regularly in order to one-up the other.

One morning his wife wakes him up hollering "I'm so much better than you that I even beat you at getting up in the morning".

This continued for some time, as his wife woke him up early and continuously drove home how better than him she was.

One day when he left for work his friend, wh...

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

I don't regularly roll a joint, but when I do...

it's usually my ankle.

University students regularly complain about the increasing cost of their tuition and standard of living but never mention the costs that are actually decreasing

Like the cost of employing University graduates

What do you call a dwarf who regularly rides the Paris Metro?

A Metrognome.

Russians are very flexible, and are world-class ballerinas, figure skaters, and gymnasts

They use their flexibility in other ways, too! It's the only country where there are regularly suicides with bullets to the *back* of the head.

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People say I'm crazy, but I regularly see my therapist...

It's a shame that she died years ago.

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I hate that I regularly snort cocaine...

I'm not even addicted, it just smells so fucking good.

What's high maintenance and regularly goes down on everyone?

Servers. Everyone would include me.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

There was once a doctor renowned for her temper

She was becoming so angry at work that she decided to retrain as a lawyer, to be able to release some of her stress by shouting in a courtroom. Out of a sense of loyalty she would regularly represent some of the people she used to treat when they had cases brought against them. Word got out about he...

A guy suffering with haemorrhoids regularly visits his physician for his ointment application.

This time the physician was on leave for the weekend, so he goes home and asks his wife’s help to apply his ointment instead. So he gets ready by going down on all fours, and the wife begins to apply the ointment. After a while he realises that his wife is resting only one hand on his shoulder and i...

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