Reported Jokes

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a... read more

That someone passed out and fell on to the luggage carousel at the airport!

Apparently, they are just coming round now..

And had him deported.

It makes scents if you think about it.

... a number of minor injuries.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck!

An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly
said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let
in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in h... read more

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'l... read more

Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,... read more

It was an Optimus crime.

she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."... read more

We are currently looking into it.

The FSB agent says "what are you bothering us for... why don't you report it to the local police?"

The guy says "I just want YOU to know that I don't agree with A WORD of what my parrot has to say about Putin..."

A hospital spokesman replied in court: Mr. Patel was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was corrected his eyesight.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ... read more

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

"We got an old lady who shot her husband for walking on the floor after she just mopped it," he reported.

"Have you arrested her?" the chief asked.

"Nope. The floor's still wet," he replied.

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

In glorious power plant Chernobyl ingenious Russian engineers managed to fulfill 5 year plan of power production in mere 5 milliseconds.

He’s now Kimchi

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe... read more

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ... read more

Police are looking into it .

Other ships in the fleet have been told to keep their distance as it's a carrier.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

Similar events were reported in England, as when the nightclubs reopened, people saw a huge number of prowling cougars.

The other 60% are single.

In other words, he's breathtaking

They hope he resurfaces soon.

... Police looking for a smooth criminal

He was always such a goody 3 shoes.

As if this virus wasn't bad enough, it turns out it is racist too.

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You... read more

It's called Granger Things

The burglars appear to have taken the bumper cars, the Tilt-a-Whirl, the spinning teacups, the Whirligig swing, the carousel and the Ferris wheel. Detectives have been searching the fairgrounds for clues, but report they still haven't found anything to go on.

Needless to say i was kicked out of the gun academy

I guess the real joke is in the comets.

Oh, Crimea river!

86 confirmed dead.

Fans hoping for one more season reportedly deflated by the news.

I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.

He needs to get over it

The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks

Researchers are scratching their heads over that one.

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

Because the parents cannot find their sun.

He told me that during his years as a pilot in WWII, he was involved in what he called "dogfighting". How cruel can you be?!

Single seater airplane crashed, so far 985 bodies recovered, emergency services continue to dig to find casualties.

Spokesman has said unsure why pilot crash landed in a cemetery.

A blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no"
type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a
coin and starts tossing the coin and m... read more

Fake noose.