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Cue Jokes

*cue Yakov Smirnoff voice*

In 1990s, you search internet. In 2020s, internet search you.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to sleep with me.

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What did the porn director say when his male actor missed his cue to cum?

Hey Jack! You late!

cue cantina music

A Jedi walks in to a bar. Having just returned from a great struggle, he and his companions are thirsty for strong refreshments. The Jedi leans over toward the bartender and says, "I want you to pour out a drink from every bottle except those three."

As he begins pouring a vast array of sho...

What does a terrorist and a cue ball have in common?

The harder you hit it the more English you get.

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(Long) A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks...

In the original Star Wars Peter Mayhew once had to redo a scene because he missed his cue.

It was a Wookiee mistake

RIP Peter.

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

What kind of a cue would Barbie use if she played pool?

A barbeque.

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The monkey and the cue ball

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. Bartender looks over saying,
"What'll it be?"

"Whiskey, and whatever my friend here will have." The monkey ignored them and went over to a pool table and swallowed a cue ball.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" The bartender screams.

"Yeah... He does that...

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A man walks into a bar with his monkey....

"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.

"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.

"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.

"Just a beer would be great, thanks"

As the barman is pouri...

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Ordered a pool cue over the phone and you'll never guess what had happened.

I got home from work and there was a line of people in fucking swimwear

Monkey in a bar

A man goes into a bar with a pet monkey. He sits at the bar and has a drink, but the monkey runs all over the place, jumping on tables and knocking over drinks. Finally, the monkey jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it. The bartender shouts, "Hey, you, get that monkey out o...

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An old man who's wife has this, told me this joke today. Cue awkward laugh.

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hour...

A friend of mine used to have the job of holding cue cards for TV presenters, he was fired for dropping them. I tried talking to him about it but...

...he couldn't hold a conversation.

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...

The monkey immediately runs up to a pool table and eats one of the cue balls. The man profusely apologizes to the bartender but the bartender said it was no big deal.

The following week, the man returns with his monkey but this time, the monkey's up on the counter taking peanuts from the bowl...

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"Oh my!" she exclaims. "It's coming down in ...

My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire...

**An old couple gets pulled over and...**

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I ...

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

Why can’t snooker players become actors?

They’ll miss their cue.

Me: “Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?”

Them: “Why?”

Me: “To hide in the strawberry patch”

Them: “……..”

Me: “have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?”

Them: “no?”

Me: “then I guess it works”

Cue applause.

What do you say to let lose a line of lonely letters?

"Cue the queue of Qs!"

From my 7 y/o

What do you call a bunch of hairdressers having a party?


A Barber-cue

Jack Smith's pawn shop was doing so well he hired Patty Black to work the front desk...

while he worked in the back room. Well, he didn't really work, he played cards all days with his retired buddies.

One day a dog came in with a lead crystal elephant, about the size of a cue ball. Dog wanted to borrow $6 for some kibble. Sally was shocked of course, unaccustomed to dogs see...

More Ice Fishing, and long

When I was very young I traveled to Siberia in the winter. My friend Pavel wanted to take me ice fishing.

So we got some gear, warm clothes and lots of hot coffee. We cut our hole in the ice and waited. Nothing. We tried different bait and still got nothing.

While we were getti...

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A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar...

...They sit down at the bar and the man orders a beer. The monkey promptly starts running around the bar, eating everything in sight. He eats some napkins, peanuts off of the bar, all the marichino cherries, everything he can pick up. Then the monkey hops over to the pool table, jumps on top of it, ...

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A man walks into the bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is pouring his beer the monkey jumps off his shoulder and proceeds to eat everything in sight.

He eats all the bowls of mixed nuts, eats all the popcorn, jumps over the bar and eats all the marschianno cherries and all the green olives. ...

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The Monkey

This guy comes into a bar with a monkey. While the guy is having a drink at the bar, the monkey climbs onto a pool table, picks up the cue ball, and eats it. Seeing this, the bartender approaches the man and asks "What's up with the monkey? He ate my damn cue ball!!"

The man apologizes and sa...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

What are German counterfeit Adidas shoes called?

They’re of course derdiedas. >!Cue in Americans not getting the joke!<

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Sex is like playing billiards.

You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in.

Ringwraiths

My daughter watching Lord of the rings:

D: “So the hobbits call the nazgul the black riders right?”

Me: “yeah”

D: “the nazgul are like: ‘yo, that’s wraithist’”

Cue facepalm.

What do you call someone who develops cutlery

A cutting edge technologist *cue groans*

My Stepfather Used to Tell This Joke to Everyone

*What did the farmer say to the cows at night? "It's past your bedtime."*

He told this joke to anyone he talked to, from family to people at the doctor's office. I felt the joke was old the second time I heard it. So, I started working on a response.

Christmas djnner rolls around. We ...

Downsizing

I was moving books off of a shelf with my wife. In an effort to help our downsizing and cleaning efforts, I asked her if she had read the book Fahrenheit 451. Apparently not hearing me, she muttered “damn I better get rid of these books.” Understanding her carefully worded cue that she had read it, ...

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An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer.....

The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.


"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"


The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first...

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Was very nearly on a gameshow.

It was called Number Quest and involved answering math based question while standing in large numbered circles.

Anyway, just before I went on, I really needed to pee, but the producer was shouty and intimidating, so I was too afraid to ask. Plus it was live, so I didn’t think I had time.
...

I'm thinking of starting a group for barbecue chicken enthusiasts.

Hmu if you'd like to join the 'Cue Clucks Clan.

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Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

As soon as he steps in, the monkey jumps off his shoulder and begins exploring the bar.

The monkey grabs a handful of beer nuts and scarfs them down. Then he grabs a fish from the large fish tank and eats it. Lastly, he grabs the cue ball from the pool table and swallows it whole.

Me...

What do chefs use to play pool?

Cue-cumbers

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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

Used one of the kids dolls to play snooker

It's now a Barbie-cue

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