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Lance Jokes

Lance is not a common name nowadays.

But in medieval times, people called their sons Lance a lot.

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.


So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

Why was Lance Armstrong in so many commercials?

Because he was good at Peddling things.

What happened after Lance Armstrong was caught doping?

He took his ball and went home.

Why did the little knight put his lance in the luggage?

For joust in case.

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Did you hear that Lance Armstrong has an NFT?

A Non-functional Testical

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

I think Lance is a good name for my new child

But people don’t name their kids Lance-alot these days

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

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I named my penis Lance

So my girlfriend can say she likes Lancelot.

The Farmer and his Daughters

Now once there was a farmer, and daughters he had five,
And each of them was waiting for their first date to arrive.
Their boyfriends all would tell him how they would have their fun.
If the farmer didn't like it, he'd shoot them with his gun.

So the first guy knocked on the do...

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Lance Armstrong only has his Right Testicle

Because the other one Left.

Lance Corporals

Two good old boys, Billy Bob and Cletus have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Billy Bob says, "Hey, Cletus, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
"But we be only privates," protests Cletus.
"We're Lance Corporals now,"...

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My girlfriend is a lot like Lance Armstrongs left testicle.

Shriveled up and died after heavy drug usage.

What do I have in common with Lance Armstrong's balls?

Both of us are single.

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What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler?

Lance could finish a race

What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use?

A Uniball

What's the difference between a spear and a Lance?

You can't throw a Lance.

Why such hate on Lance Armstrong?

I think his riding style is pretty dope.

Tiger, Lance and Tom walk into a cold bar...

"Heaters," the bartender cries in frustration, "I told him to send me heaters!"

Since everyone knows he cheated, Lance Armstrong will only drink at home now.

He just can’t handlebars anymore.

[Request]Lance Armstrong Jokes

So I know it's strange, but apparently I've been asked to find some, so I'm turning to the internet's first authority on jokes. Other non-PC jokes are also welcome, but Lance Armstrong jokes are my top priority, if you would all be so kind. Thank you in advance :)

Funny Lance Armstrong Joke

I just heard that Lance Armstrong got his medals taken away from him for using drugs.. This is crazy because, when I do drugs.. I can't even find my bike.

I met Lance Armstrong after a party

Me: So, Lance, how was the party?
Lance (Pensively glancing at the whisky): I had a ball.

Lance Armstrong flew to NY yesterday to fight the allegations of doping.

... would have been more convincing if he'd taken a plane, though.

what do jeb bush and lance arm strong have in common?

everyone was disappointed with their last speeches and no one was disappointed when they dropped out of the race

Have you guys had the new Lance Armstrong Trail Mix?

There's only one nut in the bag.

My buddy was into medieval things, so I asked if he had ever been poked by a lance,

He said "no but I was once lightly caressed by a Stephen"

Did you hear about Lance Armstrong having a threesome?

He was killing two birds with one stone

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I don't understand why everyone is mad at Lance Armstrong...

Like I give him props... Have you ever tried biking before on drugs? It's fucking hard.

A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them.

He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

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A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland

The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

What did the medieval knight say when he got caught doping?

“I was just getting my Lance Armstrong.”

Dad jokes from my coworker that he won’t stop saying all day long...

I really hate when non dads say dad jokes. It’s such a faux-pa

We had a storm the other night and 25% of my roof flew away. Oof.

You know lance just isn’t as common of a name as it used to be. You know when it was? The Middle Ages. Guys were named lance a lot.

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Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life.

I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong ... I think i...

Fun with rhymes.

If plants wore pants would plants try to dance? If plants tried to dance would plants have a chance if plants wore pants and you took a glance? If plants wore pants would they joust with a lance? If plants had a lance would the blow hit or glance? If plants were advanced and wore pants and danced th...

A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...

"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.

"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.

"Great! have fun" says the mom

"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.

"Have a ball!" says the mother
...

What do you call a man with a jousting pole on his head?

Lance

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A father and his three daughters...

are sitting at home on a Saturday evening.
There is a knock at the door. The father answers to a young man.
“Hi, my name is Lance, I’m here for Nance. We’re going to the dance.”
Nance left with Lance.
15 minutes later, another young man knocks at the door.
“Hi, my name Joe and I’m...

What do you call an ambulance with loads of steroids in it?

Ambu-Lance Armstrong

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I was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, and learned they will have to amputate one of my testicles.

Now that's TWO things I share in common with Lance Armstrong.

A farmer is expecting his 3 daughters dates to arrive, so he hears a knock on a door, decides to grab his shotgun for intimidation, and opens it.

The first date arrives and says,
“Hello there! My name is Lance, and I’m here to take Chance out to the dance.”

So, the farmer calls his daughter, Chance, and they go off together. The another knock is heard, so he answers it again, shotgun in hand.

“Hey there, it’s me, Dave, and I’...

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

I was walking down the street yesterday and bumped into the ghost of a soldier.

Me: But Mr. Ghost how did I hit you? Surely you're non-corporeal.

Ghost: That's Lance-corporeal to you private.

Game Show

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.

The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to m...

What do you call a guy who checks his blood sugar frequently?

Sir Lance A. Lot

If you ever feel down in life...

Just remember that you have just as many Tour de France medals as Lance Armstrong, and twice the balls.

I'm an attorney working on my fifth freelance project.

That guy really needs to stop getting arrested.

The simple rules of dating

A farmer, Bill, finds out that his three daughters all have dates on the same night. Being protective, as a father is of his girls, he does the respectable thing, and walks to the door each time with his shotgun. At 7pm, the doorbell rings. Bill answers the door and asks the boy there what he wants....

I bumped into my rival jousting opponent.

We exchanged lances.

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what the doctor says....

Bubba and Jimbob are in the swamp fishing when they scare a snake which bites Bubba on the tip of his penis.

Jimbob quickly calls his dr to see what to do. The dr tells Jimbob to lance the bite and suck out the venom. he goes back to Bubba with a worried look on his face...

Bubba asks ...

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Two knights were jousting for the entertainment of the king and his court...

The Black knight struck the king's favorite, crumpling him against the wall, bending and doubling him over, head-to-toe. With his head down between his legs with armor and body bent and contorted, the favorite reached for his sword.

The crowd cheered!

With an impressive display of p...

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Got an In-built fan in the Clock

Yeah, I died yesterday and went to hell and sure enough, hell was just as I expected. There was fire and brimstone everywhere, pits of lava holding people who were screaming in agony, little red guys with pointy tails chasing people and poking them with flame tipped pitchforks. Everything that is......

[Long] A captain in the air force...

Is boarding a plane home, and as he's loading his luggage in the over head, notices a Marine Lance Corporal snoozing against the window. The Air Force Captain grins a bit, knowing Marines reputation for being jar heads, and decides he's going to have a bit of fun.

Sitting next to the marine, ...

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

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